So lately I’ve been going through a lot my depression is really killing me and my family isn’t helping I’m 20 years old and I’m honestly trying to get out on my own but every time I have money I’ve got to give it up because my dad is in need of ciggeretts or we need food or for bills which im okay for the bills and food since I live here but for ciggeretts and other stupid stuff they honestly don’t need they are always up and leaving never saying where they are going so im at home withtheir 2 kids who are really direspectful to me which I can handle don’t get me wrong its how they treat me is so disrespectful I had health issuee a while back and I had to be let go from the job and he got so pissed off because I left my job but my health issues were more important then a job at the time latey my dad’s girlfriend has been really rude with me and it doesnt matter what I say and do I just get yelled at for it all or get named called and thats something I dont go for like today my sister told me her mom called me lazy because I didnt do dishes last night because of being tired. I honestly don’t know what to anymore I don’t want to live anymore.
So it’s been a while since I last posted on here I’ve had so much going on lately its unreal I’ve been dealing a lot with depression and it hasn’t been easy all I’ve been thinking a lot about self harm lately and it’s been effecting me so much with my work and life my family doesn’t understand anything I’m going through and to top it off they make things worse at times saying it’s my fault for so much and it sucks because I try so hard to this person they want me to be instead of the person I really am I just need help I almost cut the other day because I just cant take this shit anymore and it’s just really hard like I’m trying to save my money so I can get a place and every time I have enough they need it for something then I have nothing but its hard to say no since I’m living here still but its to stressful for me I don’t know what to do anymore
Theirs this girl who feels like she’s dead inside and can’t do anything about it and it’s killing her slowly everyday she wants to seek help but she can’t and the pain she feels she don’t show it cuz she knows no one will be there to help her through it all because they don’t understand her at all even though they say they do they don’t and this fucking feeling of dying inside everyday is horrible and she feels like death is the damn answer she cries tonight cuz she’s to the breaking point in life cutting seems like a perfect thing to do no one cares about her and never will and that girl your wondering is me
ugh life lately for me has been so rough. I’m 19 years old and my family thinks they can control what I do and it makes me so mad. Like I’m doing a babysitting job right now and the guy had left his job so I got laid off for a bit which is okay for me but apparently to my dad I need to find another job because its wrong even though once he gets another job he’s going to hire me back which is what I told my dad and he just doesn’t understand he thinks that I will quit on the family is like no dad I didn’t quit my job just laid off for a while till he finds work well my dad has been on my case for the past week saying I need to find another job and hes pushing me to work with his girlfriend and I really don’t want to and I’ve been telling him that and he just doesn’t understand my point of view its stressful for me because I thought your dad is to be there for you not push you to do something you don’t want to do you know its wrong in my opinion I also feel like he only wants me to get another job so I can start giving money to him for cigs or for part of the vehicles we have or just for what ever they need and it sucks because I try and say no but I’m bad guy if I don’t it makes me want to self harm again because being pressured in the first place and with my depression is what started my self harm and its like with my dad if i want to hang with friends or go somewhere over over night I cant because of my sisters or my dads girlfriend working at nights its like its not my kids I didn’t have them they did and its always me I’m saving everything I got so I can get the hell out of here because if I stay I will end up snapping again or doing self harm again ugh why cant I live my own life my way.
little update on myself life has been a bit easier for me but not always ive started to write a book about my whole life experience and everything ive been through to see if i feel better about myself sometimes i feel empty and dont know why but there this missing part in my life which effects me so much to the point i break down and cry because i dont know what to do anymore see i feel used i feel lost i feel nothing.
Last we talked you all found out I lost my baby and life was really hard for me. Well I found out that i may never be able to have kids and if I do i’d be at high risk not what i wanted to hear but hey who knows maybe something great will happen. Anyway I told my dad about my depression and how there were times i wanted to die or start self harming and he understood a little and is trying to understand my situation better he said he’d get me help if i needed it my family is actually being their for me instead of against me so i’m grateful to have confidence in myself again and to know that everything is getting better in my life so I want to say THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYONE for your support I really appreciate it.
life has been so hard for me lately with losing my baby and dealing with work and home life is just stressful i try and stay positive for my sisters to show them i’m okay but deep down i just want to take a knife and end my misery but ive raised my two sisters since i was 10 ive watched them grow up i held them when they were sick or cried over a scraped knee i always bath them make sure they eat always having them dressed warm so they dont get cold i do everything a mother is to do for her children but yet i didn’t have them and yet im mothering them im 19 years old and i feel trapped because all my life i was told oh you can’t do this you can’t do that or do it again or your worthless and i believe every word and at this moment i’m done because i have a life and i cant live it an it’s upsetting i haven’t posted in while because i thought i was fine and i thought i could handle it when in reality i cry every night asking what i did to deserve this pain this abuse my dad and his girlfriend put me through every damn day they always ask whats going on and i’m like it’s nothing because i know it wont do no good they have always used me for money like ligit they owe me over $500 and before you judge me for doing that the thing is if i wouldn’t have done that my family and i would be on the streets and freezing so i do try my best to provide for my family and might as well say my children y 4 year old always calls me mom and it’s like baby-girl im not mom but what am i to tell her her mom isn’t good and wont really raise you or let it go im just done and really want to end my life because my depression is so bad i just cant do this anymore
Its been a rough few couple of days finding out the guy who is your best friend is also your crush I told him how I felt and now I regret it every single damn day because he doesn’t like me more then a friend instead he’s in love with his best friend she’s his lock screen and everything im not trying to sound jealous but im hurt because he knew I liked him and he never once told me about her so im really hurt and broken but what’s it matter right my life is shit everyday so fuck everyone im done 🙁 im don trying and im done confessing my feelings
Last you all heard my family had no house and was living out of vehicles. Well good news on that we found a trailer before the cold weather kicked in we are very grateful for everything money is kind of tight for this place but we really don’t care because we can finally be stress free well if I’m being honest I’m the one who got this place I paid $500 out of my savings so that my two young sisters and my dad and his girlfriend could have a place but yet I still get treated like the bad guy so I’m like be grateful I even did that since that money was to be for me when I moved out and all had over 1,000 and now I don’t have much in it because I wanted to support my family and to also make sure they had shelter over their heads because that’s the kind of person I am. You also knew I was dating a guy well that guy left me November 26 and it was almost 2 years for him and I he said I never made him happy throughout the whole relationship only sometimes I was hurt really bad and I wanted to start self harm again but guess what I was stronger than what everyone thought I was going to be its been almost a month since he left me I do miss him yes but that’s never going to change will I let someone into my heart again and be able to trust that they are happy with me who knows all I know is that I need to be strong and move on like he I’m better than that I may not show it but I am the first few days he left was rough I started drinking constantly then going into work feeling sad and then I realized why waste my tie when he probably only wanted me for sex or what not who knows all well I’m stronger now. Work is going okay I want to get a second to help out my case more but other than that its going okay. I’m actually going to let you guys in on a little secret I’m pregnant found out two weeks that I’m already 7 weeks I was like oh shit I’m Prego and I have no father figure for my child no I haven’t told the father yet and don’t know if I should after everything he put me through so I’m asking you what should I do?
Its been a while since ive been on I was trying to get my life together most of you who heard my story know it was very rough for my family n I well here’s an update my family and I got a house to rent thanks to me. We are all moved in and thought life would be a little easier but no it’s not you all remember my suicide note I wrote if not check it out it was hard on me still is but now I feel like im getting used you know ugh it’s so hard advice anyone.
Goodbye im so fucken done why should i have to be in this much fucken stress to wanna kill myself hell i’ve been planning it for weeks how imma do this by knife or by overdoes hanging myself or a gun to my fucken brain im trying to think about my bf and my job and my future but im a 19 year old who feels like she has no fucken life i know is to be so fucken hard and never easy but holy shit its something after another we lose our house last december living here and there and got kicked out cuz that person couldn’t handle my sisters so we get kicked out in the rain then im busting my damn ass to get a damn place for my family and now we are staying else wear were im always having to buy food for 6 fucken people when that money was for work for my lunch or things i needed but no im always buying food or cigs for my dad or stupid shit for this damn family i love them don’t get me wrong but now they wanna make me to my breaking point.
So i did something stupid two nights ago i was really depressed and started scrating up my arm so it looks like shit my dads not happy about it but i didnt tell him what exactly happemed i cant tell him his kid is suicidal how do you do that my dad would be so ashamed of me im ashamed of myself wishing id never heard of suicide but i have and it sucks i have a job a boyfriend who loves me and yet these thoughts come to me everyday i just wish things could change any advice on what to do
I wrote my suicide not last night because everything is fallen apart so here’s what I say
Dear Family, Friends, and my Boyfriend,
So sorry to do this but if your reading this by now I must be dead there’s so many reason why I’ve decided to end my life here they are
- Ever since I was born I was placed in so many fosters homes with so many schools and all the bullies I had dealt with
- Dad it was just the two of us before she came in the picture you let her control you and me and I hated it I learned to love her but she still thinks she can ruin my life and her kids
- All this bullshit you two put me through dad and HIS GIRLFRIEND never letting me go to friends house because of the kids always crying that I wasn’t home that’s not my responsibility its yours you had the kids not me so why put the pressure on me.
- when I found out you got her pregnant back in 2011 I knew life would change I was hoping for the better but it didn’t I became the mother of them you guys never took charge I was always feeding changing bathing everything a mother should do and I was only 10 only 10 I had my whole life ahead and all you could was nothing while I played mommy then you did it to me again 2014 I was almost 14 I believe here I was playing mommy to yet another child who wasn’t mine.
- My dear bother who wants nothing to do with me wont talk or nothing can’t tell me what I did wrong all I wanted was for my brother to see me graduate and he missed it on June 4th I was heart-broken.
- Feeling like a failure all the damn time like wtf is there an answer or no idk anymore so what ever.
- my mom who left me age nine I just hope the asshole doesn’t end up killing you like he killed me inside.
- babe I love you so much your my everything you did nothing so don’t think this is because of you it’s not if you read backwards it tells you who all did it and made my life hell.
- if I was still here today do you all think you’d changed the way you treated me I don’t know but it’s for the better that im dead now because I don’t have to feel this pain anymore
YOUR DAUGHTER, FRIEND, GIRLFRIEND
I just need some help please life sucks for my family and I got kicked out and have no where to go life just sucks work is painful all I do is cry I just need help someone to help me through this im begging someone before I lose my mind
what the hell is the point anymore everyone hates me I hate me to I get jealous of course my boyfriend hangs with his ex cuz they are good friends and yet it makes me the bad fucken person for getting mad jealous about it well im sorry I have trust issues I’ve been in 18 relationships total since I was 12 no I aint no slut like you all think my life sucked back then and still does ever since 3 months old I’ve been in foster homes with strangers who I don’t even know the I was placed at 2 than 5 then 7 again at 12 that was the last time I was placed with a stranger and I was taken out of foster care they thought my parents changed and all I’ve had 4 counselor tell me I’m going to be okay and life gets better really does it I don’t fucken think so it fucken sucks knowing I’m a horrible person 12-22-16 changed my life I’ve been with him ever since he’s been my rock but yet he hates my family and hates me being here with them I don’t know what to do anymore as a young child I always cut my self and tried to over dose but it didn’t I took 15 pills but yet im still here in the what ever place you call it I call it nothing cuz what’s the point of even being here if everything you do is wrong I’m done I should just end my life tonight
life is getting to be so hard lately just lost my family member this is the 4th person I’ve lost within 2 months we still have no house and still sleeping in cars and its so hard and everything just sucks. I just need someone to tell me its going to be okay.
what if I end my life right here right now would anyone care I don’t think so. what the hell am I to do anymore my depression is kicking in so much that I’m about ready to end it all. this world has done nothing good for me the way I’ve been acting with my depression I feel like I’ve lost everyone I love like my family my boyfriend just everything in general. my family and I have no where to go starting tomorrow we don’t have a house and we cant sleep in cars I have two little sisters one is 4 and one is 6 and id be damned if Id let them sleep in a car you all may think this is fun and games and that its the new way to live in a car but its not the way to live my family and I don’t have funds to live anywhere we were screwed over fro our old place everyone just suck and all people can say is oh its going to be okay like you don’t know that my family is going is going through a lot and I know other families do to but its like come on my bosses are like girl you need to do what’s best for you but its like how can I leave my two sisters behind when I’ve raised them since I was 10 they might as well be my kids they are my world my family and I have been looking for places everyday since we had leave our old home but thy are al out of our price rang ugh fml I should just end my life and it less of a pain for the rest of my family maybe my boyfriend would be better off since all we seem to do anymore is fight I’ve had enough so what if I just end my life GOODBYE WORLD WILL MISS YOU DEARLY NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wake up every morning to see what today will bring all it brings is sadness everyone treats me like shit and I cant defend myself people say its going to be okay but are you the ones who are kicked out and might have to start sleeping in cars I don’t think so I say fuck it all everyone lies to me all the damn time why should I even continue to be on this damn planet someone answer that to me.