General

Right now i feel like i can do anything! right now i don’t give a crap about what people think of me, i don’t care if they think I’m lame becuz I’m  “emo” i could really care less..

im in such a good mood, i haven’t been like this for ages. i know it won’t last long but I’m gonna enjoy it 🙂

i wish i felt this good all the time.. i wish there was no such thing as depression. and everyone could be happy. but in re1ality thats highly unlikely.

-RAWIMATURTLE!

I am 15 and three of my grandparents have died. I am so scared; I dont want anyone else to die especially my parents. I hate everyday it is so unbearable and it kills me to live everdy
I wish I had never woken up at all, I dont want to live with the pain! why is everyone I love dying?! I am a good person and I love and respect my family. I feel like a shadow of my former self, I cant spemd time with friends because I am jealous of them and I cant enjoy the things I used to with my […]

I’m not serious about doing anything right now, even though with every day that passes, I swear I get closer and more and more desperate and despondent. I feel like a poser, posting this right now because of that, but every time I write this in my own personal journal, I feel like I’m shouting into a void. I just need someone to hear this right now.

Anyone who knows anything will tell you that I have had a good life. Objectively, I have never wanted for money, for shelter, for food, for love, for intelligence, for beauty, for anything. […]

to all those people who don’t understand what depression is like.

have you ever hated someone so much that every time you looked at them you’d get so pissed you want to just go punch them in the face?  or that when you look at there pictures on Facebook or something and you get so jealous becuz they also seem so happy and they have it all?

well i use to be friends with this one girl. as soon as we drifted apart she seemed so happy.  and now she has everything she could ever have, she’s pretty than me, id have to say she kinda seems like a slut (pardon my language) but i guess thats […]

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don’t belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don’t know what it’s like
When nothing feels all right
You don’t know what it’s like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down

mabey i should do my step 2 again, but fuck- 5 months in drug rehabilitation has broken me. Dont get me wrong, I happy to be in recovery and have my sobriety. But my social life is stuffed, my life is fucked and have no friends,  aquaintences but no friends, no family life – afraid of being disowned my the one family member i have left. I’m borderline suicidal – already on anti-depressants and mood sableizers. I would rather die than relapse on drugs or drink – ive come to far for that and know very well where that takes me. I dont know what to […]

I often don’t understand why I am depressed, nothing bad has really happened to me. I lived normal childhood, parents got divorced while I was young, but that is not really special at this day and age. Somewhere in 14’s I just started to feel hatred towards myself, I started alienate my friends, stopped drawing which was important to me. I just spent pretty much all my time in front of gaming consoles to escape my life. I wasted so many years doing nothing.

Eventually at 18 I tried to kill myself at the first time, didn’t work out. I am nearly 23 now. My life […]

I only want one thing in this life of mine. To be 100% happy. I’m close, I know it. But I’m not there yet, and I’m afraid I’ll just fall back down, and this time, I won’t be able to get back up. I’m only a teenager, so people say it’s a phase. It’s not a phase. Teenagers can be sad too. They can hate life and have depression too. I haven’t been diagnosed, and my parents don’t even know what I go through every single day, and I hope they never have to know how sad their daughter is, because it would kill them. […]

It’s been a while since I last wrote here. I didn’t think I’d be back. Not that it’s shameful, I just thought that maybe I’d dig myself out of my hole.

Since last being here I have noticed that I am very selfish. I am so selfish that I can’t stand looking at myself surrounded by self pity.

Before Christmas my sister was diagnosed with Anorexia, soon enough she was in hospital and at risk of her heart failing. The whole time she was in hospital I was a complete *****. I wouldn’t go because it was boring. Selfish, right? I mean, like she had a choice […]

How do you write last min words when there are so many people to say goodbye too?

I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday and my only ride to Anchorage was with my junkie friends. I stopped doing drugs almost three months ago, and it’s been fine, until yesterday. I got out of the doctor’s office and my friends went to go pick up some nifftys ( Heroin). It didn’t bother me until they were ready to smoke it. They couldn’t find any tin foil, so I helped them find it in the back seat of the car. I handed it to them and soon they were taking the black tar out and placing it on the foil. They got a hollowed out […]

I want to tell them it’s over. That they pushed me over the edge. They made me cutt so hard that i hit a vein and i bleed so much. I hate she thinks she gets no attention when he pays her money just to do good. How she has that guy who loves her the most, yet she hates him. They will see what they do to me. I broke because of them. I’m over the edge. Watching and waiting for that sweet , sweet death. I have never bleed so much. I thought it would hurt, but really i feel nothing. Emotionless and […]

I’ve been doing pretty good lately, actually haven’t been on this website in like 2 weeks or so, not that there is anything wrong but just means i haven’t been having bad thoughts.

But I find myself in a pickle right now.

I fucked up, big time. Well big time in my eyes.

1. I’m in school and I might get kicked out of my classes. I hope I don’t cause that’s just would have been a fucking waste of my time and energy and I will fucking drop out of school.

2. In the past 3 weeks I have had unprotected sex with three guys. And I’m afraid […]

The darkness of loneliness is an all consuming void that has taken over my very existence. The humiliation I am forced to endure is like a river and I am the rock, seemingly strong against it but am being eroded by its relentless onslaught. A simple slice and I could let the pain of life seep from my body and lull me to the deep dreamless sleep of peace. What do you do when oblivion seems warm and inviting like the embrace of a lover? You go to it, you embrace it, you let its sweet arms wrap around you and […]