General

I’ve been through lots of ups and downs in my lifetime, guess I’m here because I don’t know who to talk to or where to go but here’s my story…. I married my wife right after i got out of the hospital I was in a coma for about a week and after only knowing me for about 4 months she stuck with me while I was in the hospital even more than my parents. I fell in love even more after that. I really couldn’t see myself spending my life with anybody else then her. Let’s just say she was once one of those […]

Not to toot my own horn, but I’m a relatively smart person. I’m likeable and decent looking. I’m very good at quite a lot of things. With a little hard work, I could have a “perfect” “successful” life. I have no logical reason to be so suicidal. I know that life can be hard, but I have good support. I have trust issues, but I’ve never been hurt too bad. I’ve had my heart broken, but I got over it. I have anxiety issues but the therapy and meds have it under control. I have a good life. But I just want to die. I […]

Oh this restlessness
And the anxious wait
the nervous anticipation
for something
something big
or anything at all
anything but this emptiness
this soul crushing nothingness
I could just implode
from the hollowness
this soul crushing nothingness

Am fed up. 

Life has absolutely no joy for me at the moment.

I’m a worry and a burden for my parents.

I just don’t want to be here.

Ashes in my soul

Demons all around

How can I find me now?

My self has gone to ground

I don’t want what they offer

But it would ease my pain

Why do I seek ending

Over and over again?

So, choices to be pondered

And decisions to be made

And loves and lives to reckon

Before I pull a fade

I promised to reach out

I promised not to go

But it’s a promise I can’t keep

For there are ashes in my soul

Just wanted to say.
I am alive but numb, not sure I know how to be human anymore.
Was promised a man, he came, he faked and he dumped me in the worst possible situation you could ever dump a woman.
It’s not that I want to die, it’s just I don’t want to live.
I want to go back to where I came from which isn’t planet earth.
Without a man there is very little I can do.
Don’t ask for much but all I get is requests for more of what I simply do not have.
The bottles empty lie with it.
I […]

Watching my life, like a slow motion disaster

This merry go round starts spinning faster and faster

And I can’t help but feel, like the walls are closing in

And my bright side has now gone dim

I’ve felt this way for so long,  but everyone says, I’ve got it wrong

Well, this disaster is epic in scale

And now I’ve set myself up to fail

Two steps forward, one hundred back

No strength in me left to attack

I swallow my pride and this mouthful of lies

I’d tell you the truth, […]

I tried to vent to my boss/friend,she just chewed me out too. Apparently everything I do is wrong and I’m such an awful human being. I’m so close to the end, I just have to get to the end of my mothers visit. But I’m at the point where every single moment is physically painful,ten times more when on around another person who obviously hates me. How do I survive until I die?

Different topic,but I’m typing on a Droid,so…. what does everyone think is on the other side? And if it is hell,then do you think its really any […]

I want to pray to god, to give me guidance and strength to continue on, and hope you would join me in my prayer.

I have written both the English and Finish guides because people have ASKED me to! Not because i ever wanted to. It has taken a mentall toll on me difficult to imagine.

Pray that i would somehow recovery from all this mental stress all of this HARD WORK has given me!

Still…thank you god for giving me this great knowledge, wich in the past was only reserved for the chosen and the wise.

But i payed a have price for writing those guides. Lord, give […]

My first post yahuuu!!

For quite some time now I’ve been thinking to die

I just don’t feel anything about anything, I just don’t feel human, no matter what I do, no matter whom I with, my life is like sleepwalking

nothing surprises me, I’ve got full control of my emotions, I can’t even raging about how I bored of life, actually I might’ve done killing spree if I hadn’t had control of my emotions

My friends and families expect a lot of me, and they said I have the abilities to carve a bright future

but even so I don’t feel like doing anything, frankly said, death piques my […]

Hello guys :]

so another shift is done. Well, strange one, no suiciders, no depressed people.. Just similar calls with MI, traumas and so on.. Even psychiatric was chilling. But we were speaking about last week. .

It was romantic suiciders, as i say. There lived two girls, lesbians we guess. So one got depression and suicied. After two days, IT team went to call and saw that other alive jumped from 4th floor. She didnt want to live without her. So decided to die. And like nearly always, our team brought her to life. So her punishment, or how to call it, is to lay in […]

I cant get into everything now,but had ugly confrontation with my mother and boyfriend “confronting” me on how awful I am-basically he’s trying to weasel away from me and they both say I dont deserve love,marriage,or children..mother even said I dont deserve my dog b/c she isn’t fixed or groomed…dont have endless pots of $$$,esp. after she(mother) comes to visit and Im spending $$$ driving her all over the area and buying food,etc. Yet it baffles them why I am suicidal………..

Anyway,I know I keep meaning to post my whole story,more for me than anyone,but cant tonight…now hav to work a ten hr day in 8 […]

Today at four in the morning, I had a tiff with my spouse. The subject of divorce had come up, although now after everything has blown over, he takes it back. I thought I was going to jump off the overpass, but I called my counselor and someone who was on-call answered me. It was suggested that I check myself into a hospital. I wasn’t committed even though I had said I was feeling suicidal. Our plan now is that I go back to my counselor’s office and continue counseling, as I had quit going. And I’ll be seeing my doctor about some prescription to […]

I don’t know how much longer I can get up in the morning and hide the fact that I just want to get it over with. I know my past decisions have made my life what it is today, and nothing I do can change what I should have done differently in the past. Regret hurts, it’s like having a hole in my chest and sometimes I can’t breathe. It’s getting harder to pretend that tomorrow will be better when I know it wont, I know there is nothing I can do to make up for the regret.

I regret not doing better in school or continuing my education, […]

Its that time. I’ve realized that there really is nothing left. The only reason I’m alive, is because I can’t afford an effective way to kill myself. But, do not worry, a couple more government checks and everything will be made right. I’ve decided to use Helium. It seems to be the most effective and considerate way. There is no danger to emergency responders or others who may come across my body. That is important to me. I don’t want to hurt anyone else with this. People with charmed lives will tell me that I will […]

I’ve had enough. Twelve years is good enough for me. I have my note written, place picked out, time, day, and knife. Maybe when I’m gone, that’s when they’ll start caring.

(The series of posts I write on here I will call Bittersweet, since everyone on here is lovely enough to leave comments I’ll use them to sort of answer their questions more. So here’s the next part.)

I’ve been told MANY times that I treat myself harshly, in truth that is a habit I’ve been doing since I was very young (I’m talking about 4 or 5 years old).

Even then I showed a desire to give myself self-punishment. What am I punishing myself for is something I’ve been trying to figure out for several years now. Is it because something in me told me I wasn’t […]

Yesterday I did cut my legs. Real bad.. I told my mom and my dad, they took me to the doctor. The doctor said it was ok, and that I just had to live my life like nothing happen. Well all I can think of is that I want to do it again. They dont take me seriosly and that really annoy me. I want to try to commit suicide and then they’ll see that I really mean it! Not only cause of that, but I want to do it all the time, and to think ” I want to die” all the time is […]