General

I been thinking…. Everything that has gone through this week. Thinking… what has gone through my head. My surroundings… poor as usual. I been thinking… maybe i should just leave this website. Maybe just go far away from it. Delete from my history. From my mind. From my everything. I just… i really dont know anymore. All i could do is write. Write and never hear a word from it. Sometime soon… i dont know when… im just going to crack. Breakdown. and tear everything around me. Cut till my bone shows. Stop eating till my skin sticks to my bones. Maybe dying a slow […]

i just need to get this out you can say… its an rant
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If i am able to hide myself
if i am able to hide my scars
if i am able to cry alone at night
then what does that make me
what am i?
Has everything i have become
all fake.
Fake smiles
Fakes laughs
Fake happiness.
Has the things i become
a totally lose.
I just want to leave everything
give up on everything
all i want is to leave.
Im always scare with nothing for a reason.
Everything i did most of it i regret
the people i meet
those […]

for the first 16 years of my life i was normal so i thought but for some reason sickness always found me and would keep me down the one person in the world who you would think would help me didnt. My own mother my creator who brought me into this world never thought for one second that maybe theres something wrong that theres a reaon why im not like everyone else instead she blamed it on me being lazy, too lazy to eat, too lazy to go to school, even thought that i was making myself throw up on purpose. it wasnt until […]

I can’t seem to get away from the headaches. I’ve got a new one now; I need a job. How can I get a job when I hate working with people (i.e: retail)… What is a good job for someone who doesn’t have work experience outside of sheltered freelancing?
I feel like this stuff is coming at me too suddenly and I really just want an out.

As opposed to some of the stories I read…people want to die because they are miserable, but with me its different. I want to kill myself to take revenge on my family. Its the best way to punish them for all the heart ache they caused me. With me missing in their life they will realise that they lost what they had. Whatever i do its never good enough……… everything has to be perfect…..well it cant I am human………and talking never helps. I feel if I die i will be sooo happy. I only wish there is a 100% guarantee that after i die I […]

My soul is an empty shell of a darkish gray hue. A mirror that refuses to show any reflection of me. Untouched by the light and consumed by the darkest night. A paranoia unheard of in lamented skies up above the heavens. Misguided by screams of apparitions telling me to bleed. A lonely curse set upon me by the winds of time. If I could be as happy as a beautiful swan flying over seas too far for me to reach. If only the light of the sun could touch me, or the moons shadow could swallow me in unending bliss. Then I could fly, […]

Life seems so pointless.  Every day is so boring and mundane.  Nothing really brings me joy.  Don’t really care to get out and do anything.  I would think about suicide except for the fact that it requires effort, and these days I have no energy to go do anything, even end everything, which is kind of ironic.  So here I am, dragging my foot day in and day out, half-living, half-dead…

Hollow, empty, broken, bruised and confused /Listen for the sound, of my heart breaking / This would all make sense, if you spent a mile in these shoes / Strapped to my feet, like ‘anchors aweigh’ /I can tell you don’t care by the look on your face / Walking away,  like I’m the disgrace /You know it’s hard to swallow, when I’m choking on lies / Keep on feeding me, you know I won’t fight / My back still hurts, from holding this knife / Keep piling it on until my chest explodes / My mind goes blank and my breath is cold / […]

I think I might actually need help when I accidentally step in front of a car and think to myself, “you know, if this car hits you, you won’t have to go to school today.”
LOL.
this happened to me about a year ago.
I assume I am a bit deranged to have thought that when walking to the bus stop.

Well I guess the suicidal thoughts stayed away for as long as they’re going to stay away. I suppressed them by laughing the pain away, but screw it. Damn it all. I’m tired of wearing a smiling mask in the sunlight but crying once the darkness settles. Damn the pain, damn the hurt, damn the change… I’m sick of it all.  I just want to sleep… Why won’t people let me sleep the darkness away?

Here One Day
Gone One Night

Gone Too Soon

RIP my love,  i will never forget the things you did. How you light up my days, and now thoes days are gone… i don’t wanna forget how you made me warm. Because my life is cold without you.

there’s a hierarchy in the business of social security and medication, doctors,psych wards, therapists,ER doctors,etc. i was treated poorly upon admission to the ER last week and quickly escorted off to new orleans,LA to a very pimped out facility..but i have some grieveances and i feel violated..i was CEC’d and in restraints for 7 hrs. being shot up with haldol, ativan, benadryl, and god knows what else…i was screaming at the top of my lungs to get me the fuck out of their ***** ass restraints but thay’d come silence my pleads with more injections until i finally wake to an unruly police officer telling […]

why does it feel like i did something wrong. Why wont this feeling go away. Im breaking down inside. I feel like a mess. I dont know what to do with myself anymore. I just want to cry. Or at least drown myself as i planned. Why does God hate me? God what did i do wrong. Everything seems fine but i know its really not v- v. What can i say i dont even know anymore. I dont even know who i am anymore. I just want to leave forever. Im sorry if i have to hurt people for it. I just need […]

How would a “normal” person get rid of this emptiness? You know, a logical person who chooses “healthy” coping mechanisms. Things that aren’t burning or oxycodone or starving. How to they combat loneliness?

 

Life has been good to me in many ways and for the most part, I have really enjoyed my life and I am thankful for it. I rejoiced and thanked God when I could participate in physical activity: I enjoyed riding my bicycle, hiking and I was a good, I mean really good martial artist. In almost 35 years of working (post college) I have only had one week without income and my income has been by and large at least 2-3 times the average wage.  I have healthy children and 3/4 dozen grand kids. I have had the enjoyment or leaning many things, giving […]

This mask used to hide me,
Save me from any hurt.
Just smile and laugh,
They’ll all go away.
But slowly I died,
Stopped trying at all,
And now ,
This mask hides nothing.

.

mother just signed me up for modeling auditions. that ***** is mocking me. shes only doing it to fuck with my mind. i know im ugly as shit mom. no need for professionals to tell me. todays song of the day- ” i feel like im drowning in ice water
my lips have turned a shade of blue
im frozen with this fear
that you may disappear
before iv given you the truth…
i bleed my heart out on this paper for you
so you can see what i cant sayy
im dying here…im dying here
cause i cant say what i want to
i […]

I been seeing things
but they are not connected to strings.
Every corner i turn
it seems to burn.
All the faces i see
i feel like an escapee.
There thoughts
i can hear them loudly.
Its hard to run away
even when i pray.
Their eyes
they show a shadow if their past.
Haunted memories
flooded the place.
I cover my ears
so i cannot hear their painful moaning.
Im shaking in fear
as their words pierce me.
These are the things
i can not be free from.
I know i am not in much of help
but hearing your cries
makes me cry.