General

the definition of a friend. its been a short time since iv met you guys but you guys mean the world to me. wanna cry? take my shoulder. feeling lonely? heres my hand. times are tough. but itll get better now that we have eachother. and brondon i love your voice. liz i hope to one day hear yours. …heres something i wrote…you’re all shocked what a surprise.
what could have led to this her mother cries.
she was always so happy…well thats where your wrong.
she never had a friend
just stitches to mend
from her cuts that were so deep
the company of […]

why I want to die. I have a nice home, a loving family, go to a good school, and have good friends. what is wrong with me if I can’t appreciate these things? There are people who are much worse off than I and yet still don’t wish to kill themselves. I’m so selfish and take everything for granted. I deserve to die and definitely don’t deserve anybody’s love. I wish my family didn’t love me so I could just exit this stupid life. I’m so mad at myself for procrastinating doing my biomedical class homework. I just want to tell my group members they […]

I refused to let go
I refused to break down
not once i ask
will i be okay
Is everything going to be fine
or maybe you should smile today.
I couldnt even look at myself
and see a pretty decent girl
All i see
is an overweight girl with no future.
Everyday…
Im breaking down inside
Saddness crumbing in fear
my self-confidence
Shaking and crying
not even to stand up and be strong.
Strong suicide thoughts
each and every day.
All i want is to escape
leave everything behind
and never look back.

I’m so confused. So much contrast, one minute, I’m suicidal. I have that mind numbing panicky feeling, that terrifying, horrifying feeling. The next, I think I’m happy. But I still have that feeling in my stomach, that, clenched, tight, emotion.

I don’t know, maybe I’m too usd to the suffering. Or maybe my mind is trying to lull me into false hope.

Could my mind really be lying to me? Why would I lie to myself?

My arm hurts so badly. I usually burn myself on my legs using a cigarette lighter, but I was just making pancakes and I decided to burn my arm…holy shit, it hurts. And it’s a large surface area, too. It’s only first degree, which is usually fine when it’s on my legs, but because it takes up so much of my arm it hurts worse than it should…
Man, I just wanna die.

I give blood to prove to myself
That I can matter to somebody else.

Is what makes a man the dirt on his hands?
If so, don’t put you’re faith in the dessert sand,
because the wind is always blowing
There are gallows deep inside my lungs, that’s where I hung ambition

Is it luck that’s knocking right on my back door?
Because I’ve been breaking mirrors since 1986

I walk under ladders, I spill salt on sores
and I open my umbrella even when I am indoors

So give me seven more

I give blood not for the cause but to slowly give up the person I was

Holding my […]

This is my last post today. It really suck that i never know the right thing to say to anyone. Im fucking terrible at communicatition. I can never think what too say on the phone. Terrible at talking with friends. And what makes it worse is i have a fucking stupid voice, i want another.

A question of uttermost importance i ask to those who happen to stumble upon this post. How are we here, why this reality, is there another life after “death”. How do we feel love, why do we have emotions, why does betrayal hurt so much.

I have absolutely nothing to offer this life. I have nothing to offer my family freinds or the future I so sparsely want. If I commit suicide I will die a traitor, a selfish, pathetic loser. But, and that is a big ‘but’, I have my body, and there are children out there that have had no chance in life whatsoever, unlike myslef who did get a chance but blew it. They have something to offer life, they deserve it. I do not. There are kids waiting for lungs, hearts kidneys, you name it. If I die intentionally close to a hospital and let them […]

i’m tired of people walking the fuck all over me. if you didn’t want to do anything, you should’ve just told me. that way we both could’ve been happy!!!

i don’t deserve your smile. i don’t deserve your laughter. i don’t deserve your caring charm. i dont deserve your attention. i don’t deserve your love. i don’t deserve having you around. i don’t deserve being given second chances to. i don’t deserve your shoulder to cry on. and i don’t deserve to cry, no matter how much of all of this eats me up beneath the calm surface too mangled too tired to be faking so i end up with a dishonest smile spelled almost cynically for anyone who reads the words i slur.

I have been planning suicide for around 20-years now. My first though was drowning, but it was very difficult do to me living mostly in urban enviorments. It never really worked out. Today it is still a possibility in a river in a close by town. Still very difficult to do and not have someone “rescue” me.

The second suicicde project i had was electrifying myself. This is theoreticly possible. I have some basic knowledge in doing electric works. I know how to lead the current of around 230-volts from heart to heart. I know how to do it, but the chance of it succeeding is […]

Another suckass day more than likely. I had a dream whre i could have died but my dumbass self escaped it, how ironic. Oh well, I dnt even care anymore, i wish i dint have have these cursed emotions. I guesse im made to suffer forever. Fuck Life. I hate the way i look, i hate the way my voice sounds, i hate judge mental people. Im going to start cutting again, the sight of my blood will cure me

Suicide is man’s way of telling God, “You can’t fire me- i quit -Bill Maher
What does this quote mean to you?

For me: Well god does want us to die old age. But unlike me and everyone else we all want to die now. So like he said you cant fire me- i quit O: i dont need life holding me back.

So I cut again, now it’s getting out of control to the point werebi just want to keep going, and just jabbing at my skin till I can see the inside of my wrists, it sounds terrible I know and I want to help my self I need to help my self for not just myself my friends the one I love he stops me as much as he can but he can’t always be there for me at every momment. It’s come to I want to kill myself I feel like I hve so much a head of me I’m only 15 I should […]

Today I’ve celebrated 4 years happy. I spent 6 years depressed, almost 2 of those suicidal. There was no worse feeling than trying to decide what is the most accessable, and most effective why to kill myself. Spending countless hours trying to figure out who would come to my funeral out of love, not obligation. And to make it worse I hid the pain behind a happy, very convincing smile. It was a day by day process to get here. Think of the people (no matter how few you think they are) that will miss you and love […]

its my birthday.

why celebrate my life when i hate everything about it? the way i look. the selfish, spoiled, manipulative way i act. i’m in my mid-twenties. i live with my parents. don’t have a degree. i hate my job. my whole source of excitement is lying around watching tv. i’m taking up space. i’m a waste o precious resources. i’ll never make a difference in the world. i’m the most average, invisible person you could ever meet. people ignore me when i talk, i’m always wrong, even when i’m positively right. people would miss me, but there’s no one i would miss. i don’t […]

It was one bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back they faced one other
They drew their swords and shot each other
A deaf police mann he heard the noise
He came and killed those two dead boys
And if you don’t believe me ask the blind man ssw it too.

Tonight is supposed to be a good decent night. I went out with a friend to the movies. I saw Fast Furious 5 which was pretty awesome btw. When the movie was over we left and waited for her uncle. As those cars go by, I just wanted to jump infront of it. I want it to hit me. I wanted to do it so bad but i couldnt. I made a promise but i really wanted to do it. Damn fake end of the world shet. And i was actually quite excited althought i didnt beileve it i just wanted to see how all […]