General

seriously i hate this whole fucking world. i just found out my ex boyfriend who was totally in love with me(and probably still is) is talking shit about me. glad we stayed friends, ass hole. go fucking fall off a cliff you stupid bastard. im not crazy

Up all night with frantic thoughts.

Frantic thoughts, then depressed ones,  then nothing.

Light.  Another day…the last song the birds will sing.

I start up my car though I haven’t wings.

End this life maybe to start again.

Drive west until I find the ocean.  A lake or pond won’t do.

No longer brought down by emotions.  I will be free.

Spent so long cutting ties it won’t be a loss. It’ll just be.

Open a bottle with pills colored blue.

I through my phone into the water.

Swallow

Breathe

Light off the water and then I sing the last song i’ll ever sing.

Maybe I won’t go.

Maybe I won’t…

Excuses & lies

I just want to die,
i cut myself every day just to get the illusion.
The same feeling each time,
and i just want to die.

When i’m ready to take the final cut,
i just make up excuses.
Excuses that make me live,
they are just so annoying.

Maybe i got something to live for,
or is the excuses lying?
Because i can’t figure out what i’m living for.

This living paradise is just based on lies.
Lies that make you live.

You are always free to add me on www.facebook.com/theycallmemanhattan I could always use more insightful minds on my list. This “note” is something that I wrote about a year ago, very broad, but I understand that for some parts the organization has suffered.  I haven’t completed this, nor have I fixed all of the grammatical mistakes, however I believe that if you feel suicidal, this is something you should read. It’s fair and true. Thankyou.

Suicide

Why would anyone ever even consider suicide? Better yet, why would anyone even think about it at all? What could possibly be so bad that would make someone think that […]

I’ve told the school, I was suicidal.  I told my “friends”.  I listened to advice online.  I came out.  I needed help.

Why did you just look at me as if I was a helpless full from no return?  I was never on drugs.  I never drank, I never smoked, I was always above the influence, yet you disregarded me as if I didn’t fit in anymore.  I was excluded from your groups, and you all ignored me.  If anything, I needed the attention of so called “caring friends”.  Apparently that’s just some hopeful view that you guys pretend to show me then back out on […]

ive just turned 16 and been in the crappest situations since a year back exactly, ive tried to commit suicide more than enough times, i guess i’ve just never had the courage to take the pain, i try find something painless or quick, but theres nothing, but im really getting to the point where i just dont care about the pain anymore and i just want to do it, i keep caring less and less everyday about it and i cant stop. i just wanna go to a better place, i moved schools following majour bullying problems and fit myself in at a new school […]

My knife has it’s own name

 

Each time i think about you,

all those bittersweet memories turns black.

Cause now i know that it all just was based on lies.

 

My knife has it’s own name,

it’s named after you.

 

You hurt me,

hurt me bad.

Today I lost all that cared for me and no one feels the. Pain I feel I. Beg each day for my life to end this pain but I still wish every hr it was my last day on this planet this must be as god wishes to punish me for all my bad deeds. I wish my life would end asap.

i dont know where to start… maybe with a possible why cant i just die already? i have no purpose on this earth whats so ever.
im at a point where i just dont care about anything anymore… even my health. im diabetic and have been for a few long years.
doesnt help my situation at all. since ive stopped caring i dont take my daily meds like i should … whats the point? my health is so bad now
i have days where i cant even breathe like a normal person should or even stand without trying to hold on to […]

sitting here in summer school reminds me of how i got here in the first place. i had to get lectured a few days ago by my mother and her mother about how im a failure and such a disappointment. thats why im here, in school, writing this instead of doing work. i cant concentrate on anything, so i guess this is sort of productive. my headphones are in, listening to depressing music of some sort. its only like 9.00am and ive already eaten enough to feed a child pretty much-half a cereal bar and a shit load of french frries. gym for the next […]

Dear Steven,

I would never really send this letter to you for fear that it would just dredge up something you’ve been trying to forget…

US.

Still, I need to get out how I’m feeling, even if it’s in a letter I’d never send, it helps somewhat.

I’ve thought about how I would start off a letter to you millions of times, going over and over it in my head, and I think I’ve finally come up with a good greeting.

I love you.

There. Plain, simple, to the point; Perfect.

Almost.

I love you, but it hurts like hell to love you. I really wish I didn’t sometimes because I know I […]

My scars

Crying and bleeding,
every day.
It doesen’t feel good,
it doesen’t feel right.
But still i’m doing it.

There isn’t much blood left,
there aren’t many tears left.

This is my final cut, then i’ll stop.
I open a long line throug my arm,
i feel my pulse is weakening.

There isn’t any blood left.

I’m not gonna cry anymore,
cause there aren’t any tears left.

If i fall from a window of  a building, from the eighth floor?

A 20 meters fall kills?

I suppose that 8 floors have at least 20 meters.

I’m just asking to be sure, cause i already know that there is no way to survive a fall like this..

Suicidal ideation is my security blanket.  It’s always there for me, to comfort me, when I have no one else.

I am supposed to be strong for my kids, for my mother, for my job.  No one respects the weak and unbalanced.  I am a show, a puppet.  I go through this life looking for happiness yet never finding it, then pretending I’m fine, when I am not.

If I disappeared off the face of the earth, it wouldn’t matter.  My kids would grieve and miss me, I know.  My mother might even be upset.  Otherwise, I’ve made no mark in this world so that my non-existence […]

I was rear ended in a car accident, I now have slowed blood flow to the brain, nerve damage, messed up vertebrates, bulging disks, edema, and have suffered a mild ishemic stroke with a very loud high pitched sound in my ears 7 days a week. No doctor will see me. I don’t have insurance and my unemployment is going to run out and no one will hire me with this damage. It’s a matter of time before my slowed blood flow to the brain becomes no blood flow. I’m slender and in shape at 55 except for my neck and brain. If I can’t […]

It all started when i moved back to my old country, i got a new school, and i started at 4th grade. At the 4th grade i got bullied with for being a “nice boy”.. I was good at school. At 5th grade i got tired of being bullied with. So i started to talk shit to the teachers, and i started to fight with classmates for almost no reason. So i earned some respect by being a “bad kid”. I did allot of stuff at the school, so i was at the prinsipal almost every day. At the 6th grade i needed to be checked if i had ADD […]

I’ve suffered from depression ever since I can remember… but on march 19th this year I forgot about everything that had ever gone wrong in my life, I forgot about everything that I had ever thought hurt…

We met when I was in year 7, by the end of that first year we were inseparable… you never heard one of our names without the other. He was the person who I shared all my firsts with… he really was just everything. we were dating by the end of year 8, our inseparable friendship had now turned in to a love that words could never comprehend.. all […]

If you relate with my philosophy in any way, I’m always open to networking with like-minds. You may add me on www.facebook.com/theycallmemanhattan

You know, I’ve come a long way with my current therapist. I’ve had so many of them but not once, except with this one, have I ever been fully understood. I think that my problems are very different from others’ so it may have been that that made it difficult to “connect” with previous therapists. Fundamentally, my problems are probably the same as anyone elses. I yearn for companionship; platonic or otherwise. I yearn for acceptance, gratification, fulfillment, a purpose, to be happy, […]