General

I think this website/webpost is my roman empire, no matter how long i go without coming here i seem to always find my way back.

My first post here was back in 2014 (obviously using an other account), i used to love reading back then and I even vowed on my life to become a great author. It’s almost 2024, i haven’t read a single book this year (i mean I’ve started some but haven’t finished none) and i haven’t written anything ever since 2018 (im doing amazing aren’t i?) .

Whenever i come here the first thing i do is reread all my old post because […]

Earlier, I felt like a fictional character was saying things that only an output of my brain would say. See, that’s my tell, when people who have no business knowing things I know start saying them, there’s a fair chance I’m in a dream or hallucination.

Then, lying in bed just now, I couldn’t settle down to go to sleep. Those words kept gnawing at me, in the way only horrible things I tell myself can gnaw at me. Then I started to come up with wild ideas, just trying to chase the fear of losing myself off

then I got up and took some more sleeping […]

I was curious. Real curious. That extremely brief window when everyone was out of the house, I tried to open it. I tried the usual password, my birthday, and my brother’s birthday. He had foresight. My parents have known I was suicidal since Highschool. Of course he’s going to have a passcode I don’t know. I wasn’t going to do the deed. I was just curious. Wanted to feel the weight of it in my hand. I thought about trying some more, but I’m afraid it will permanently lock and alert him someone tried to […]

Maybe I’m drunk and high but suicide does sound lovely right now given the pills on  my counter.

She broke up with me. I saw the signs. I waited. I was right.
This one is hard though, there was no fight, no harm, no foul, just a non-fit. I knew it and so did she but it’s hard as hell to let go after that initial connection is made.
Anyways, I want to cut, I even want to die, but really? I left a thirteen year relationship and barely batt an eye because I had moved on mentally long before but I’m about top commit die after breaking up a four month relationship? That seems ridiculous. Emotions are emotions but that […]

I don’t mean the kind of failure where you don’t reach particular goals or aspirations. That kind applies to everyone. I don’t mean superficial failings, like not being attractive or financially successful, though I have certainly failed in those aspects. I don’t even mean more fundamental life failures, like not finding a partner, friends, a career, or building a family, though again I have absolutely failed in those areas. What I’m trying to get at is a more basic failing, that makes all the rest near impossible to work on.

I have failed morally. As a human being. To cultivate a personality and psychology worthy of […]

i don’t know if posting confusion on a suicide forum is worth it but i feel comfortable here. i feel so confused. i look at people engaging in things and getting involved in things and i just can’t see a reason to. the only things i do day to day are eat and sleep. i don’t care about reading/intellectual work, i don’t care about “emotional expression,” bc nothing i experience is that fantastical or interesting, i don’t understand why people romanticize anything, i don’t really even care about eating or doing anything like that, i don’t know what relationships or other people are even for, […]

I say bastard only for the phrase, though Kafka did womanize quite a bit… but it was the early 20th century, perhaps he can be forgiven for his time. He is, or was, very lucky though. Like many of us he was unimpressed and uninspired by the life offered to him. He worked at an insurance company doing claims adjustment, but at a relatively young age was pensioned off. Why? Because he had tuburculosis and at the time that was a terminal diagnosis.

He died at the relatively young age of 40. I could do that, five more years. He died very obscure, and came to […]

Worst Hell Week hands down. Absolute worst. One project went fine. The other was a disaster. Couldm’t get the code finished no matter how hard I tried. My CS minor is completely worthless. Can’t code for shit. Any half competent programmer could knock out what I was trying to do in an afternoon. My dumbasss pulled 2 allnighters trying to get it to work. So we submitted a half baked program, report, and presentation. I got a 75 on the midterm so it will be an absolute miracle if I get a C and […]

This is the lyric that has been bothering me more and more. What excited me once? Why was it insufficient to soothe my chaos?

because I was intoxicated, with hope, and visions of a future. Maybe it follows that I might assume it could cure what ails me.

I feel so empty and alone right now. I thought I’d take the day to tend myself, and this is the outcome. Is it any wonder I don’t look forward to the task of tending myself?

and every time I think to trust in something, it turns out to be an illusion, gone like it was never there. No matter […]

why tf can you edit other people’s comments? like their user, i can see their email too and i can edit their message. why tf would i do this unless i’m trying to do information control?

Life doesn’t even feel real to me right now. More like a vague nightmare that I can’t remember fully but remember how scary and painful it was/is. I barely grasp the passing of time throughout the day. I guess I avoid it too, since it’s a very big anxiety for me – watching time pass. Especially with shit to do that I just can’t bring myself to get done. There’s a lot I need to get done. I’m stuck in a limbo in life right now – in between still being a kid and growing up. The next steps scare me. Talking to people scares […]

just realized this is another self deception. i’m here not saying how i really feel. i’ve deceived myself very well. 

it’s not i who thinks i’m a joke. i don’t think i’m a joke. i think others are a joke. and that’s the thing i need to work on.

If anyone reads this, I want them to know how strongly I considered not writing it. Just, starting with that out there. When I realized that was avoiding my feelings, I decided to write it. Time will tell if that was a good decision.

There’s so much to unpack, I’ve been chronically ill most of my life. On several occasions I managed to pull myself together, and if that’s all there was to it I wouldn’t be here right now, as in writing this. I pumped myself full of optimism and good brain chemicals and took another shot at life. It even sort of worked for […]

my life is a joke to most people. i’m the comic relief, or someone they cringe at. and i’m starting to really become fine with it. as in, i need to accept it. i might be mentally ill, but i think embracing it is much more desirable for me. i may not win the long game, and i know this, but i’m not ready to give up my “bad” habits yet. after all, who says they are bad?
i also don’t need a therapist. self reflection is enough. circumstances right now are making it particularly hard to self reflect.
i might actually kill […]

These lies are so prevalent that we don’t even know all the lies that’s been told to us by society/industry. We just parrot these common talking points as if they were truth. Meanwhile, everything is told to us on purpose, so this industry and that industry can make a profit here, and there. Every lie we’ve been told has some kind of agenda behind it. Usually to profit some corporation/industry.

I knew it. I knew this rock bottom thing was bullshit, and now I know why. This is all a money-making racket. As 99% of most things in life boils down to the root of.

If ppl think they need to hit rock bottom, they won’t stop their destructive behaviours, bc they think they have to hit “rock bottom” first. And also, friends /family will refuse to help, and many are specifically told to NOT help from AA groups and counselors/therapists bc they “need to let the person hit rock bottom.”

Basically, if family truly help the person, and if friends are sympathetic, […]

So yeah, definitely had the conversation that she isn’t going to be around much while she is focused on recovery. Yeah, good for her? I guess I’m just not part of what recovery looks like, and I somehow knew that. She told me she didn’t want to lead me on and not be there. Then there is me, stupidly in love, I agree to stay on the possibility that she decides not to push me away again later as she works through stuff but I’m clearly not a priority, should I be a priority, we’ve only been dating for four months. Idk. Why am I […]

We’re told once we hit rock bottom, it’ll be our wake up call and we’ll start to climb back up. But that is a lie. There is no bottom. When you think life couldn’t get worse, it does. Then it gets even worse. And worse. There is no “rock bottom.” I’ve hit “bottom” for the last 18 fucking years. The bottom just keeps getting lower and lower and lower, and life just gets worse and worse. Bottom is death. Nothing else. There is no hitting “rock bottom” whereby your life just magically gets better […]

Wish I could tell everyone to distance themselves from me for their sake