General

SAVE YOURSELF *****!!!!!
(this is addressed to me)

Yesterday I went to the barcade I frequent. First time since getting back from home. I’ve been there more than a dozen times. Some of the bartenders know exactly what to get when I walk up to get a drink. But for some reason I was nervous. I usually just go and drink and play and then leave. I brush my teeth and put on deodernt on the off chance I might actually meet someone there. I never do. This time though, I felt the need, for whatever reason, to really clean up. I shaved, took […]

The state I live in has decided that I’m able bodied and therefor not entitled to food. Yes, that is their position, I know they would present it that I’m “freeloading”…. but I’m just trying to keep eating, it’s a matter of survival

Now, how could I dispute that? Well the conditions are explicitly laid out;

IF I’m working more than 30 hours a week

[so it’s ON ME to make the job market bend to my will, to make employers respond. It’s work, or starve. I’ll be disputing the other conditions similarly]

IF I’m in school at least half time

[So the state compels me to engage in more […]

THIS is what happens to me. Beyond me, this shows how humanity really is.
THIS is why I have ZERO hope in humans and humanity.
THIS is why I believe this world is shitty, bc it’s full of shitty humans.
THIS is why one of the reasons why I am depressed, to live in a world where humans are so apathetic and uncaring.

And NO, you cannot convince me that the MAJORITY of ppl are “great” ppl. NO. The MAJORITY of ppl are just like what you see here. The MAJORITY of ppl SUCK.

And all these SAME people, think they are SO […]

Does anyone else have the urge to eat certain toxic foods in large amounts so people around you won’t be super traumatized assuming it can be fatal? Also, I don’t mean eating stuff like poison mushrooms or poison blowfish. I mean common enough foods that aren’t illegal or super exotic.

42 days before last July 4, I made up my mind.  It was dialed in.  Then someone who said they were my friend blew back into my life, only to ghost me in September, because I didn’t feel romantically for them, something we were clear on the year before, or so she said she was ok with.  Really pulled out the carpet from under me.  I had another “friend” who I caught deep feelings for, who ghosted me after telling her.  Same month.  Left my job the next month because it was killing my soul.  I have a dog I adopted a year and a […]

Denial is difficult to maintain. In order to function and remain alive, I must engage with reality to some extent. But then inevitably reminders of the truth leak in, And the truth feels unbearable. I don’t know how to live with the truth. I don’t want to live with the truth. I don’t want to live as the person who’s done the things I’ve done, or seen the things I’ve seen. I can’t stand it, seeing myself as that person. There’s no meaning in living in that reality. Maybe I’m too proud, or narcissistic, or conceited, or idealistic. Whatever the fuck it is, acknowledging that […]

Yeah, I know “life isn’t fair,” but WHY do some ppl have to suffer so damn much? Since literally birth. And then I see so many of my peers not having ever had to deal with ANY kind of adversity or pain in their lives. Many are undeserving shitfucks.

I don’t mind things being a LITTLE unfair. But fucking c’mon. Some of us had to struggle the moment we were conscious. While everyone else just had to focus on playdates, and toys, and etc. And surprise surprise, the ones with loving stable parents are well adjusted and […]

It’s a fucking awful combination. I swear someone fucking cursed me. I miss being able to have DEEP SLEEP, and wake up nice and refreshed. This is why I’m always cursing. I used to be bubbly and full of life- even when I was depressed about my life or myself, I still had ‘zest.’ But over the decades that zest has gone. It’s fucking gone now. And now I struggle to just get through each day… -_-

It’s 5AM and I still have not slept…

LMAO So I’ve finally heard of the Stanley cup craze yesterday. $45 for a steel mug, that apparently even 7 year olds want. Which is insane. It’s just called marketing, and ppl fall for it like sheeple.

This post isn’t about the Stanley cup itself- it’s what it represents. It’s how easily manipulated ppl are. I mean, ppl are literally trampling over other ppl to get them, lining up at 4AM at Target.

This post is about how we’re all brainwashed, not just about products but about life- medicine, politics, economics, anything and everything. Everyone thinks they are SO […]

Windows Seven Activator ? bypass the activation process ? apply special codes offline ? activate Windows 7 easily with step-by-step guidance.

all i got are daydreams. gave up so young. been to so many inpatirnts and they all tell me how much the ppl around me care. gotta pull my own weight here now. success is mandatory.

Born and raised in fear, trained to hide my truth, never knew who I was, only the mask I wore. But they always saw through it after a while. The seams in my human suit exposed by some abnormal question or behavior. Eventually, the only way to safety was to hide. I spent most of my childhood hiding and crying from isolation and the abuse of family and peers. No siblings, no one to learn how to be normal.

I entered adulthood a twisted person trying their best. I’d become a martyr to justify my suffering to myself, I tried to rise above want by way […]

I was getting a haircut. ” so, what’s it going to be?” said the barber. ” its going to be a three at the sides and back, nice and short on the top, spiked,tossed, more tossed than spiked, gel, to about this length” I said whilst grabbing a strand of hair to show the length I wanted. There was what I deduced was a socially awkward middleaged man in the next chair beside me. There are subtle differences between a man and a boy. One difference being the ability to socialize comfortably. If one does not become highly socialized one will end up like this […]

I was going to say no hot water and be melodramatic….. but we have SOME, not even close to enough, and not in the way I need it most……. Our hot water heater decided to take a break on Saturday, I had a plumber out today and in a sane and kind world that would be the end of it….. but I did the stupid thing five years ago and bought a hardware store hot water heater instead of letting the plumber put one of theirs in. Stupid I now find out because for warranty I had to call customer service, half hour on the […]

Things aren’t so bad right now. Not particularly great, but not bad. They will be though. I know that. I started my Thesis this semester. It’s already the 3rd (technically 2 and 1/2) week and I have done jack shit. I got a year, but I know I’ll fuck it up even more so if I keep procrastinating. Just don’t have the motivation. Been sleepling like 10 hours a day. Just can’t get my ass up. Set 4 alarms and I just shut off all 4. It’s a pain. Only got 1 class, […]

It’s hard to motivate yourself when you know there are only bad options. No matter which you choose, it won’t be what you need. Some paths are still less shitty than others. But most of them end in more or less the same place.

The path I tell myself I’ve chosen is one of gradually letting go, of the obsessions, cravings, and regrets that consume me. But also of the hopes and dreams that I cling to to keep me going. Perhaps whoever I’ll be at the end of that road is less miserable.

But that path requires a lot of work, which I never get to. […]

when you’ve got no one that gives a shit about you?

The reason I WOULDN’T want to die just yet is to spite them. They would be happy if I died, and so just bc of that, I refuse to off myself and make them happy. They would be relieved that their disabled daughter/family member is finally gone and that they don’t have to do a thing to help me anymore (not that they do anything now anyway).

can’t really break the cycle i guess.

Everything bothering me seems so small and petty. So, why do these things bother me?

I got some new clothes for interviewing, but I’ve gone up a neck size because I’ve gained weight…. and my internal critic is calling me fat, and I’m not, but it still bothers me that none of my shirts or suit jackets fit

Then last night our water heater went out…. and it really bothered me, and at the same time I’m aware that it’s a small modern inconvenience. Hot water on demand is such a luxury, even in the modern world.

and I wish the job would come back to me sooner […]