General

I am completely ill-spirited because of a very dumb reason lately. I have gained weight this year. After my anti-depressant I gained 7 kg and it kept going up, because I tried to compensate a lot of crap through eating.

It’s not that I am in a bad situation currently, because I study from home and I am so happy when I don’t need to make myself go in front of the door. However I have tried to get some exercise in, by shopping for clothes, ’cause well.. most things don’t fit anymore.

I am a 25-year old male still wearing things from highschool, because frankly I […]

Masahiko Shimada – Diary of a Mummy

Just needed to empy my head a small bit. Been meaning to for a little while, but I kept putting it off.

Today was rough. Probably the main reason why I’m posting today. It was the weekly meeting for the team and I looked like a complete dumbass. The stuff I had been working on came off as irrelevent. I didn’t have any good justification for my designs or where I was taking them. I just made sad sheepish excuses that anyone with half a brain could see through. You could tell in my voice and in my manerisms […]

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An online “friend” of sorts had told me one of his friends from HS/College hung herself while they were in College. He knew her since HS or something like that, but anyway, one day while they were in College, she hung herself. No one knew for days until somehow someone broke her door open (this was off campus).

Anyhow, I feel kinda jealous. Like this girl actually DID it. I mean, I’ve been suicidal since fucking forever, and wished I did it when I wanted to at age 7-9. Yes, I was already depressed and suicidal then. But back then […]

I want to kms so bad but I can’t do it for the moment.

I’m tired of suffering, I’m tired of this shit life.

Most of us on here DO NOT want to die- but rather we want a BETTER life, one that doesn’t seem to be available for many of us, despite several decades of suffering.

My soul hurts. Have you ever felt a pain in your chest like your soul is crying, a pain that’s not really physical?

I don’t know what I am supposed to be, or how I am supposed to act.
I try to be respectful, and obedient by following the rules.
And I know I am capable of being a great man.
I know I am capable of accomplishing great things.
Yet, the world hates me. Maybe ‘hate’ is a strong word.
A better way to put it would be that the world simply doesn’t care about me. I am meaningless, worthless, and undesirable; a flesh eating insect with intestines and blood, shedding my days under a fleeting sun and a cold wind, watching as life […]

By a miracle turn of events, my fears were unfounded. I just want to post this as an update. While things aren’t really that great still, I feel like I’m back from the brink. I didn’t post on here often when I was feeling a little better, but I want to post this still as an update. I’m thinking I need to do more work and hopefully going to see a counselor.

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I’ve hesitated just about writing this, because I feared being told off— but it has to be said— I’m really sorry that I’m so stupid when I write things. I know I can come off a bit harsh sometimes with the way I speak my mind, but I didn’t mean to be so rude. I’m just going through a lot of endless pain, suffering from several treatment resistant mental and medical illnesses, and many things no one else understands. I carry these burdens alone, as I’m the only person in my life who I know who has these problems. I’m only here to speak […]

“Human life is truly a short affair. It is better to live doing the things that you like. It is foolish to live within this dream of a world seeing unpleasantness and doing only things that you do not like…”

“Personally, I like to sleep. And I intend to appropriately confine myself more and more to my living quarters and pass my life away sleeping.”

– Yamamoto Tsunetomo, Hagakure: Book of the Samurai

~39min but worth the watch!

This is some story!

I want to go home. Please let me go home.

So here I am replying to a post offering a suggestion to someone and I am back here disgusted and hurt. I gave up trying anymore and am just hanging in there… accepting that I can’t find a place that’s comfortable. I have been alone for a long time. Tried to change, tried to adapt, but just not able to find a place where I am accepted and feel welcome … hoping for trust and love would be to much to even ask for… So keeping it basic and can’t even get that. Not sure how to keep on going this time around. Super sad […]

BILLIONS of people have parents who love them. WHY do I have to get screwed with TWO of the most shittiest ppl on the planet? How does one even HAVE a fucking chance when you start off life with two assholes who are selfish af and don’t care about you?

And yet I’m told to “just forget the past” by EVERYONE. Like YOU get abused since birth and tell me how easy for you to “just get over it.”

It’s not like I wasn’t given a toy I wanted for my birthday. I got BEATEN almost every day, with GIANT black […]

Chances are I’m in a situation that is not ever going to be in a state of recovery. It’s the nature of my situation or mental state that even most people I meet in an institutional setting or on this forum don’t really relate to me. People are pushing me to see a therapist when by all accounts, talking about my problems just makes it worse. To be pushed to that point really means I’ve hit rock bottom. As you can probably tell by my much earlier, previous posts, I’ve done had similar songs and dances for years. Let me tell you that this is […]