General

I need to be better with my actual family though, who I have such a hard time talking to, because of my own thoughts and actions. I get annoyed at them unnecessarily a lot of the time. I feel like I’ve black sheeped myself on purpose after things started going downhill in my life.

They care and try to help me in multiple ways and all I do is disappoint them it seems.

Younger family I don’t keep up with, older family who try to help me but here I am, broke and jobless. A husk of what I used to be before […]

Hi, hello, greetings!

Is that the right way to start this kind of thing? I don’t know. Really, I don’t care either. I don’t care about a lot of things I probably should.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve been suicidal since I was ten, so about a quarter of a century. Yeah, I’m old, deal with it. I had to.

I’ve tried so many times, but it’s never worked out; I keep waking up in ICU with a cable shoved down my throat and a bunch of needles in my arm. I feel like I’m cursed to keep failing, cursed to keep walking this shitty […]

long time, long time since I posted twice in a day. Back to back even longer.

but it was burning me up, wanting to know if anyone else who is suicidal watches entertainments with suicide as a subject?

I’m rewatching Haunting of Hill House, great show, makes me cry like a baby every time. Don’t know if I noticed before, how central suicide is to the whole thing.

I guess I find this one particularly interesting because it looks more at what comes after. Plenty of movies at least cover leading up, I know what it looks like personally and movies sometimes miss that.

This damn show though, it […]

It’s a rainy day over here, good time for reflection, and what I’m currently reflecting on are the parts of my life that work. Specifically my social relationships, they don’t just work, they endure even the chaos I’ve created in my life. But the question is “why?”

I don’t have an innate talent, to refute that initial possibility. I was bad at social relationships as a kid. Jesus, my first marriage ended in divorce, the first “friendship” after that saw my bedrooms gutted, and I set myself on fire in one ill advised incident.

but it was that reckoning that made me change my approach, and that […]

 Don’t know what I expected. Couldn’t badge in.  It’s funny, I’m pissed off at myself. Also, I’m glad I don’t have to go back to that place again.  I’ll have to see if they call me tomorrow.  I’m imploding in real time too, so that’s fun.  I’ll have to see if I get a call from them or not.  Otherwise, it’s whatever.

Now I just need a different job at this point, even though I’m driving myself mad with job applications. 

Maybe I’ll stop posting now. I think I’ve officially slid back down to bottom, again.

im stuck. that’s what i am. people in this world are moving forward, doing something in their lives whether it makes them happy or not at least they have something to do. i on the other hand don’t. i don’t even have anything that brings me joy ffs. the things that I do are because everyone else is doing them. i study because everyone does, I make friends and try to talk to people because everybody does and I live because everybody does. but never once have I felt like I’m moving forward. i constantly feel like I’m in the same place I was before […]

I’m completely burned out on my current job, and it’s my only way to make any money. I’m just going to do just enough to cover rent for now.

The US job market is a mess rn. Unless you have a specification you’ve worked on through whatever means, you’re basically fucked.

You can’t try to do anything entry level because they’re paying way below the average wages (I’m seeing it for tech jobs, but I’m sure it’s like this everywhere because inflation and saving money and all that). It’s driving me mad, I can’t even walk into the place without feeling like shit just being there. The […]

The only things I feel strongly about are either impossible, or so loaded with negative consequences that it would be wrong to attempt them. There’s nothing else in life I really want, or care about. Nothing feels that meaningful.

I do the bare minimum that I feel is necessary to survive, because I’m scared of the finality of dying. Otherwise… nothing. I try to escape into fantasies or the stories of those who have more of a reason to live than I do.

Forcing myself to work feels like pulling teeth. It’s dull, but the pay’s fine, and I can work from home. It would be OK, […]

“Not all races of the Hyper Gantry share the the sentiments of the Great Engineers. They belive a race born in and of the dark can choose the light…Their futile hope in the entropic universe is as effective as your human emotion’s were to create a civilization. for good.”

The old Earth Archive media plays, a video from a house long ago:

A bear had broken in, the two children were the first to be taken out, the husband dead outside, she tries to fight it off with kitchen knives but its claws have her arm hacked to dangling flesh in a single blow. It pins her […]

I can’t keep doing this. The thoughts repeat over and over and over again and they’re so loud I can’t take it anymore, I feel like it’s all pressing against my skull and I’m going to explode. I can’t. Literally can’t. I really just don’t want to, I have […]

Sigh…this is the life the elites want for us peasants. Only they’re still trying to squeeze what little is left from us. Their greed knows no bounds. And their callous indifference to human life and human suffering knows no bounds. We are nothing more than workhorses that need to eat to them.

I am listening to some music. One of the few things I ‘enjoy.’

Some people can sing.
Others can draw/paint/etc.
So many ppl can do such amazing things.
Hell, so many random ppl on YT can do some amazing things.

WTF can I do? I’m not “amazing” at anything. I’m GOOD at A LOT of things but I’m not an expert at anything or have mastery of any single thing.

I’m “good” at things that aren’t exactly marketable in today’s society (and by marketable I don’t mean being good for a stupid 9-5 wage slave job). I’m good academically- in […]

I wrote a thoughtful and nuanced bit explaining about my struggle with obsession and anhedonia, pressed publish and bang, the whole thing was gone.

so this is the quick and dirty version. Yes, I see the irony of when I write about that my memory and attention are things I struggle with being followed by the entire piece being deleted and me feeling all the more isolated. Touche internet, quite a picante indictment of my illness and issues proceeding from it.

[presses save draft, the only way to be certain that what you just typed isn’t going into the trash when you click to publish]

FYI, save draft […]

Nothing like being used by someone you were trying to help out then you realize they are abusive lazy pos with no accountability. More than that this world is shit. I tried to get a new relationship but i keep on meeting women that either want to cheat on their partners with me or i end up finding their personality repulsive.

Once again, drove to the office. Did not step foot in there. Went on another drive.

Wow am I fed up right now. I’ve completely lost the plot. Bought a lotto ticket. Won $2. Used it on a second one. Nothing. I hate gambling, but when things get to this degree, I’ve done it. Want to give in to the vices of alcohol and gambling to try to feel better, but of course, it’s the wrong thing to do in a situation like this. Which is why I avoid it.

If I can’t find a job that pays more, it’s pointless. I’m a bit desperate […]

As the Borg in Star Trek is infamous for saying “Resistance is Futile.”

It seems trying to resist the systems that keep us down and poor and trapped is like sinking deeper into quicksand. The harder you try, the more you sink.

I’m so tired of trying and never getting anywhere. And that was back when I *was* healthy and worked 120-180hr/week jobs.

Life feels so damn hopeless.

theres nothing left. im not anything anymore. what do i even do. there isnt a me that can get better. there isnt a way that i can. im tired.

I DONT WANT TO KILL MYSELF BUT I DONT WANNA FEEL THIS WAY! Life just feels rough, im tried, its constant pain and the one person I want to be there for me? Just isn’t, it feels one sided, I wait for the phone to ring for a person who i don’t know when they’ll call if they will,  im in love and want to spend my life with said person but it feels pointless, im scared they’ve found someone knew, well, they say it isn’t like that. But that isnt easying the pain, or what I’m being told. Its been 5 years i trust […]

Couldn’t even step into the office. This is happening more and more lately.

I’ve lost it. There’s a mall not far from where I’m at. I’m just aimlessly walking. People work, and some may hate their jobs, but they suck it up and do it. Why can’t I? I haven’t been working that much at all, and at this point I don’t know what else to do. I just need to start something different and fast.

I’m at such a loss.

I feel so stuck.