General

20 hours ago, I decided to start lessening my night meds some more, because I had an appointment across town at 9 AM, so I needed to get up by 8 AM. Hell of a night, not in a good way, I tossed and turned and maybe got 3 hours of sleep. But when I woke up I wasn’t that tired…. and it was just, I’ve been sleeping an average of 9 hours a night. I don’t buy into the modern humanity trend of undersleep…. because sleep is like a dry run for death, it’s literally the best thing.

but I figured I could get away […]

I’ve had three failed suicide attempts over the years, twice in my teens, once in my late twenties.  Each time no one should have been there, it should have worked.   Living since then with the humiliation of a reluctant survivor, I’ve always felt cheated.   While life has improved on many fronts since then, and by all accounts I really should have nothing to complain about, suicidal ideation still haunts me on a regular basis.   I can’t help but feeling that I need to finally see this through.   I didn’t ask to be brought into this world, I reserve the right to exit.

My therapist asked what […]

I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been made a prisoner of my own brain by something that has ingrained itself deeper than I can tear it out and I cannot stand it anymore! I have barely been able to move besides when absolutely necessary for months because of something that, as people keep telling me and telling me, it’s all in my head! The thought’s, apparently, aren’t real! Not that I didn’t already know that from the onset of this. Ugh.

Something my brain (the parts of my brain are seem to not fit entirely well together anymore; it feels as though there are […]

So I’m playing this game that requires you to be in a guild and last night, the guildmaster/leader suddenly tells us in chat that he’s “too busy” to be a guild leader anymore and left the guild- WITH the TOP strongest 5-6 players. They ALL left together. Sounds like they all left to start another guild on their own, or jumping to another server. Very SUS that ALL 6 top strongest players left all at the same time. There’s only 30 ppl allowed in a guild so 6 is a LOT.

Pretty fucking shitty what the GM did, leaving so suddenly and […]

This is a rant.

It all makes me angry.
Can’t afford anything, stuck in a job I despise for 3 years now. It’s one of those jobs where the job isn’t difficult per say, but the work environment and the management are atrocious, complete garbage. So many people who’d been there for longer than I have up and left because they were fed up with it too, and that’s my cue to leave. Taking a sick day because I’m fed up with the place.

Yet all I see are jobs that pay less than this one, or jobs that pay more that I […]

And here we go again… I come here when im at the lowest of the low. When i REALLY want to take action. I read other posts and I sometimes leave one myself. It seems pretty pointless. But then again so does everything right now. Why do i bother. I must want to have hope or I dont think I would bother. It would be easier for me to go. But not easier for my family. UGH There seems to be no help for my feelings or thoughts. I have tried everything and so many different meds. They dont help. I have done counseling blah […]

I’ve been putting this off. Like usual. I’ve been putting a lot off. School and lab assignments. Helping with that computer thing for my brother. I don’t know. I just don’t feel like doing anything. What to talk about. There really isn’t much. I’m just trying to take it day by day. Last Thursday I got absolutely shit faced. I avoided drinking for about three weeks. I had been drinking quite a bit and getting drunk was starting to get harder. I heard that if you take a break and come back, the […]

I hate myself. Why do I try to do anything ever. I always fail, if not that way then in another. I’m not enough for anyone. My “friends” that I made in the fucking mental hospital abandoned me. And I know people always say “don’t be friends with people from the hospital, outside of the hospital” but I don’t care. This was different. I love them with my whole heart, and they threw me away like I was nothing. Like I am nothing. And I hate hate hate them for it. Is that fair of me? I don’t fucking care anymore. They left me behind […]

I got back to the underground carpark just in time, 2 hours free and should you go beyond 2 hours it was 20 euro, I drove up to the barrier with 5 minutes left. I was trying to swipe my ticket against the device and nothing was happening, I pressed the assistance button – no answer, I kept trying to swipe the ticket and the 2 hours had been exceeded. Eventually a voice, a voice of a wanker answered “Yes?”. ” Lift that barrier and I’ll be on my way” I said. “Im not lifting any barrier, you went beyond 2 hours, go up to […]

I took several Psych classes in HS and in College. And we were all taught just how “revolutionary” and “amazing” this guy was, to be revered, respected and his theories put up on a pedestal to be taught worldwide. This “Father” of Psychology / “Father” of Psychoanalysis.

When in reality he’s a junkie who was addicted to cocaine for more than a decade and did a bunch of questionable and morally bankrupt things. Died at age 44, so how much actual “research” did the guy actually do? They cherry picked all the so-called “good” things he did and conveniently left out […]

So empty. Tired. Weak. All alone. Surrounded by dark muck. Empty, numb, more pain. It goes forever on.

I feel like I should apologize to everyone who’s ever loved or cared about me. I feel like all I did was waste their time. My friend’s, family’s, partner’s.

So I’m sorry.

This was a different perspective on the whole thing than I’d heard. I hadn’t heard people say it was entirely avoidable, or refer to it as dangerous.

This is as a former social scientist, who has had specialty training on dealing with active suicidal ideation. As in, yeah, a motivated person can get out of the active stage. I’ve done it, I’ll do it again, it’s part of my life.

but….. just I’m not sure I agree that passive desire to die can be removed. Not reliably, not in a way we can replicate. Which is something maybe non scientists don’t understand why it’s such a hang […]

What if…everything you’ve done in the last 10 years has been one mistake after another after another? And you’re still making mistakes? What if we’re so fucked up we’re incapable of making the “right” decisions? I don’t mean things like doing drugs or alcohol or obvious fuck ups. But like making the RIGHT life decisions for us in the long run. What if we think we’re making the right decisions at the time but every decision we’ve made in the last decade has turned out bad, bad and worse?

What if every time we “zigged” we should’ve “zagged”? And that […]

Is there something you have done/not done that you regret and can’t forgive yourself for? Doesn’t have to be a “bad” thing we’ve done, could just be a stupid decision or something you didn’t realize could have such impact and lasting consequences.

There’s many stupid decisions I made that at the time I couldn’t have predicted it would lead to this, but nonetheless the present is the way it is bc of past stupid decisions/actions/inactions. It’s not easy to forgive oneself bc each of those decisions have led me to my current fucked up life. Some fucking up my health- not […]

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Hi, I have decided to follow through on a decision I have been thinking about on and off for years. Ove reached a point now where there is no point, use, enjoyment, anything for me on this life. The only thing that stops me is when I think about my mum or my sister. My mum is an extremely emotional and unstable person and i fear that in ending my own life, she may end hers. Also my sister because she is getting married next July and we are closed our of the four of us sisters and I know she really loves me. However […]

I’ll start with these few idiotic things:

(back when I worked)
-In the summer when it’s hot as shit, you go into your office building/floor and it’s cold af, the AC cranked to the hilt so much so to the point that you actually put ON a giant ass winter jacket or sweater to keep you warm. And it’s literally 98 degrees outside.
-In the winter when it’s cold af, snowing outside, they BLAST the heat in the office to the point where you come in and literally strip down to a tshirt bc it’s that hot in there.
-In the middle of winter, where […]

so, there’s another hope dissappearing into the sunset, or into the mist, whatever is the most anticlimatic depressing way for something to go away. Sinking back into the swamp like a depressed horse. You know what? Horse had a point, took the easy way out, it’s the end of that movie where suddenly things start working out after kicking the protagonist’s butt for hours that is unrealistic. That’s right, not the flying dog dragon, not the lazer eyed sphinxes, and not even the rock biter

I wanted to be wrong, so badly. It’s been almost constant, […]

Are people here also disappointed in “online friendships”? You think you get along well with someone online, maybe even chatting for months. Then they suddenly ghost you, or maybe they were never good friends with you to begin with and you find out just how little you mean to them. Online “friendships” disappear faster than an ice cream cone on a hot summer day.

But then again, it’s not like I make many friends in person either… -.-