I’m 24 years old, I’ve been suicidal and haven’t wanted to live for as long as I can remember. Growing up I was dragged to many different doctors, therapists, and psychiatrists, all never knowing how to help me and my mental illnesses. I’ve tried over 20 different medications, several different types of therapy and even ketamine therapy as a last resort. The ketamine was somewhat helpful, but I realized that even with the combination of ketamine, antidepressants, and therapy, using the tools I’ve been given to try and better my life and my mental health, I still don’t want to live. You can say that […]
Category:
My Suicide Note
getting sent off to boarding school. seems weird transferring halfway through high school.
i was planning on ctb in a year or so. before i get to college. i thought i’d keep being friendless, a bad student, emotionally distant from my family until it was time. but i did want to spend some more quality time with them. regardless how disconnected and awkward my relationship with my parents seem sometimes, i know they still care. thinking about how much it’d kill them to if i did it is the only thing stopping me right now. i was planning to give them some good memories […]
The mirror reflects a face unknown,
A hollow gaze, a heart of stone.
No spark to light the endless dark,
Just endless night, a fading spark.
i’m not even living anymore. i’m just existing. it’s only been one year since i got depression, but i feel like i don’t have anything left worth living for. no friends, no future. my father said im just being a dramatic teenager – haha maybe he’s right
i’m being sent to boarding school next year, i haven’t had a friend in the last 3 years, and i’m emotionally disconnected from my family. my parents don’t […]
[Doubt my relatives or friends will bother to read all this, and wanted to post it here so my goodbye might be read by someone.]
27/01/2025
I want it to be noted that I am of calm, sound, and rational mind at the time of writing this. I have been thinking of ending my life for several years, and have considered the below points throughly from as logical and dispassionate a perspective as I have been able to adopt with regard to them. This is not a decision I am making in haste, while tired, or in the grip of strong emotion, but one which I have […]
I have decided after 36 years of living that 2025 is going to be the year i finally rid myself of the sadness that has plagued me my entire life.
I have in the past 10 years done EVERYTHING I can to make myself feel better and feel well. I will continue improving myself and my life for the next year also.
If this feeling does not stop and my sadness does not dissipate, I will end my life.
So, to start off, new account, hooray. I never thought I would be writing here today or that this would somehow involve Wordpress of all things? This is certainly not the first time I’ve been here since it’s been a website I have kind of been aware of since early 2022 or so, a few familiar faces for better or worse depending on how you look at it. This is surprising, but at the same time not so much since my life has gotten to a point in which I am not too sure what will happen to me in the near future, including if […]
Fuck. Okay here we go. Maybe if I write this letter out again, it’ll give me some relief. If not, well… see ya(not really. I’ll wuss out again I’m sure.)
To the ones I loved,
I’m sorry. Nobody caused this. Nobody pushed me. Nobody but me fell short in any way. I made a very long, traceable string of decisions that put me in a very difficult situation. That paired with general depression I suppose was just a little too much. I’m not blind enough to think this was unavoidable. There are about a million things I could’ve done to improve my mental state […]
This is it… I don’t know who I’m saying goodbye to since nobody I know will ever see this. Maybe I just wanted to write it down.
I really tried. I gave it my all. I don’t understand how 28 can feel so old, but it does. I’m tired. I’m so tired and I finally worked up the nerve to do it. Didn’t think I ever would if I’m being honest. I thought I would spend the rest of my life just passively letting it rush by. Thought I would wait to die from some freak accident or old age or illness. I don’t know… […]
I will be writing my mum’s obituary and a eulogy then I will make a start on my suicide note
by LondonEllie
written by LondonEllie
I do not yet know the precise method outside of asphyxiation. It’s funny because as a child I had an intense and recurring dream that I died by drowning in a previous life. Looks like it’s going to be similar in this life, in terms of breathing.
My mum died last week and I absolutely cannot and will not continue in life without her.
I hope there is an after life or reincarnation (though ideally I would just have a lifelong rest).
My biggest fear is something interrupting what I do and I awake but with a severe disability and can then never do anything for myself but […]
I’m new to this forum, so I don’t know how taboo this topic is. But my situation is as the title says — I’m in serious danger of going through with it because of the shame and pain I feel over never having been in a relationship or having sex. I’m at the point where I’m preparing a suicide note. My whole life, I’ve (probably?) dealt with depression in one form or another. I’ve been depressed over doing poorly in school, being bullied, not having friends — the list goes on. But, all those problems ended up being solveable.
Not this one, though. I have lost […]
So lets start from the beginning back to the pandemic. Honestly I consider the pandemic the best time of my life! Despite it being terrible for everyone else, it was truly the best. I had lots of friends I spoke to everyday, school was incredibly easy, and my parents were proud of me. Fast forward to the July 2021 and I realize I am fucking trans. It was the worst! I knew I was bisexual for most of my life (despite me constantly hating myself for it AMAB btw), but now I was trans? Fuck. So I came out the month later and mom didn’t […]
There is no meaning of life. We just exist, and die. And life goes on, and on, and on. For million, billion of years, etc etc etc.
We are just a speck of dust in the vast universe, in the grand scheme of things.
Of course, 90% (or 99%?) of people (human beings) will always try to find or give ‘meaning/purpose’ in their own insignificant lives, because the reason is simple: it’s survival instinct. Human beings (people) will (usually) try to keep living, keep surviving, no matter what. It’s evolutionary. It’s in human nature.
Even if it means people (humans) will create anything as their toxic positivity […]
I don’t know why I try. I’ve been suicidal for 4 years and have had many attempts but they all fail. Am I a coward? Am I not strong enough? I think I am. I’ve been hospitalized 4 times. Nothing helps. I don’t want anything to help. My therapist doesn’t get that. I want them to understand, but I also don’t. I am just a big contradiction. Am I not suicidal enough? I am. Then why am I alive? I don’t know. School starts soon. I hate it. I go so I can hide in the bathroom and cut. Why do I cut? The answer […]
So.. this is it.
I guess this is what it took..
I guess everything’s just added up, and now I’m more certain than I’ve ever been that this is the right choice for me.
I’m so tired of everything.. and I feel that I can’t even explain what brought me to this point because I’m just too tired.
But it’s not fair.. if I just cease to exist without calling out all the wrongness in this world.
This.. fucked up.. life.. where nobody cares about the consequences of their actions.. where everyone lives for themselves and nobody bats an eye at those who are constantly victimized and harassed. Made to […]
I ruined my moms paradise. “Youre just like your father, you came into my paradise and ruined it”. I was homeless and between jobs. I helped around the house, I tried keeping conversations with her, but every time I was met with disdain. It was just a repeat of my childhood. Except my father wasnt around to physically abuse me. My mom was there to still be emotionally abusive though. She let her ex-boyfriend constantly use the f-slur around me even after expressing to them both multiple times Im uncomfortable with it because of my being bisexual. She even made excuses for him. […]
when I was a child I got bullied a lot but now I became a evil dead beat can’t forget what happened to me cause unfortunately I’m the one who deserves to have no heart beat my life has no meaning no pulse all I though I had was all false I tried to better my self but all I do is ruin my self no one loves me couse I’m just a dead beat so I wonder why god even wasted his time with me couse Im just a dead beat I deserve to be dead I lost lots of love ones that didn’t […]
Sometimes i smile but it’s just a cover tired just tired of living I have no meaning and no meaning to life I’m just a lost soul lost with no cause no reason to be roaming this earth just a big pile of dust is what I should be. couse this life of mine has no meaning to me or feeling couse my vains run with peer disappointments for my love ones I was always the great disgrace and have to be put in my place death is what I wish I have god should take me instead of taking my love ones […]
My cat died today. He got out and I can’t find him, How do I know he is dead, then? Because I can feel his ghost.
The universe can fuck itself. If there’s a god, it can fuck itself. The whole world can fuck itself. I am so fucking tired. No matter what i do, it’s 1 step forward and ten back. Whatever god is out there is having a laugh at my pain, and since I’m no one special, I suspect it is laughing at everyone else who is in pain, too.
I just read that “experts” figured out that giving up on life can literally […]
My dearest Daughter,
I’m sorry for the tragedies in the past several years, many of them my fault.
Below is a list of my sorries:
I’m sorry that I fought with your mom all those years.
I’m sorry I couldn’t do more to keep brother alive.
I’m sorry for having depression and anxiety and not being a father to you.
I’m sorry for embarrassing you in public with my anxiety/panics.
I’m sorry for making others around you in public feel awkward because I have crooked eyes, high-pitched voice and other unattractive attributes.
I’m sorry for being the black sheep of my family.
I’m sorry that you had to see how law enforcement treats/abuses me.
I’m […]
7 years ago I predicted that I would die at this time of this particular year.
At the time of writing this, I can safely say that I have been defeated on all fronts.
Academically and professionally I am convincingly outperformed, physically I grow fragile and weak, my eyes are blurry, my voice – quiet.
I have always enjoyed defeat. Victory is a burden. Defeat is freedom.
My dream has always been to just sleep away till eternity alone in a comfy bed, away from the pandemonium that is society and humanity.
I tried my best but alas, life isn’t for everyone […]
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