Ive been betrayed, abused, mentally fucked, cheated, lied to , spied on, stolen from, robbed of happyness and all my belongings, caged in psych wards, my entire life… But it occured to me, a few years ago… That I too, live in some kind of floating box CIA prison , the same as Terry A Davis claimed he did, and explained… For over 20 years. Even in my youth, people shit on me, talk down to me, betray me. .. fuck me over… The suicide attempts, the depression, the pain i went through, the betrayals…. I never knew I lived in some kind of prison that followed me around until a few years ago, I didnt know that this life was a construct around me, with the deliberate purpose of torturing me… the entire “gangstalking” things is a cover up, honey trap, for the real victims to run to online, where they just abuse them more, and discredit them.. a whole fiasco, a shit show. a mockery of the true “target” of theirs. .. . what a fucking joke. the jokes on me. as Terry A Davis said, “i live in a cia prison, a ****** runs my prison” …… yeah…. Yeah sure, we developed all the symptoms of schizophrenia, most heavily abused people do. It didnt come natural. We werent given a chance in life. To be normal. Because we think differently. We dont suck societies cock. We arent pussies. We dont conform like sheep following a trend. Thats cool. Thats punk rock. Terry A Davis , id like to say I can make it until the day comes, where this torture shit , the truth is revealed. And i will try. But today is a bad day. Im pretty down. I joined this site to rant. To express my pain and sorrow. Sometimes I dont know if I can make it another day. What a shit life. I will try to see the day this is exposed and get some kind of vindication for you. If for nothing else.
My Suicide Note
People always tell me that I’m privileged, spoiled, and have a good life, that I should be grateful. But what if that is still not enough? What if I want so much more in life?
I’m an idealist. I have big dreams, and even visions to change the world. But sadly, in reality, there are still so many factors that limit me from achieving all my dreams. Instead, here I am just being another normal, ordinary, average Joe on the street that just only do mundane, boring, & meaningless job everyday. Even worse now, this all has led me to experience an existential crisis (or existential depression), that honestly, now I don’t even have any motivation, or basically zero energy to wake up every morning, because what’s the point? What is the point of living, and what is the purpose & meaning of life, if I have to be just like everybody else with their simple mind (simpleton) with their optimistic/positive/positivity motto “Live, Laugh, Love”, but at the cost of sheer ignorance, being oblivious, & stupidity? That’s just depressing for me. Is that all there is? That’s it? I wish life could be so much more than this! I just can’t accept that this is all there is! That’s just a cold, boring, & depressing reality! I wish there are more in life than all of this stupid pointless, meaningless bullshit & nonsense everyday for the rest of my life until I die. “Life sucks and then you die”, if that’s the case, then why not just check out early? There are even many stories & cases of the so-called “privileged, spoiled, fortunate, lucky, rich, or even successful” people who died from suicide. So it’s not just “poor, unfortunate, low-class, struggling” people. It’s all random. Some people will live, while some people will die. That’s just how it is. That’s life. And that’s just the reality.
It seems to go in a bitter, vicious cycle. I take meds. I get better. I run out of meds. I don’t have financial resources to pay for the meds. I find the resources but not before I’ve “detoxed” off of paxil, buspar and doxepin. Not pleasant. Then the cycle starts over. During the time I am “detoxing”, I usually try to call it quits. I push my family further away. I retreat into myself. I haven’t worked outside my house in 3 years. The cycle starts over. I’m tired of this cycle. I want out, I want it to end. I am tormented, and tired of putting on a show. I’m evil. I sold my soul to the devil. Send me to hell.
I don’t know why I feel like this. I feel worthless. My ex has ruined me, and I cant move past that anytime soon. I can’t do any of my work for school…I’m 3 weeks behind. I just wanna fucking die. My ex just up and left, No explanation no closure. I’m a pathetic excuse of a son and brother, I can’t even do the simple thing of doing my schoolwork, I rarely leave my room and If I do its to grab food/ride around outside. I’m not sure what the point of my writing this is. I plan on writing my note soon. I feel completely abandoned, There’s no one left.
“I don’t believe in luck! I create my own luck!”. Most people seriously underestimate how luck plays a BIG/HUGE factor in life.
A friend of mine used to tweet a phrase that always sticks with me: “Some people are lucky, some people are not.” That was some years ago, and the more I live now, the more I see (& realized/learned) that it’s true. Most people seriously underestimate how luck plays a BIG/HUGE factor in their lives. Or in life, for all that matters. I don’t know and I’m not sure if it’s due to the meritocracy thing (“If you work hard, you WILL succeed/reach success!”), or if it’s due to the ‘positive/optimistic’ self-help culture/trend/hype that is literally almost everywhere nowadays, etc etc. But I think it’s very naive, simplistic, & ignorant if people seriously believe that they control ALL and EVERY aspect of their life/lives.
Even the posts here in this website that will get popular & many comments, and other posts that get almost no view/comment or even banned/deleted (even though when they’re really good posts, but sadly just very underrated or underappreciated), it also has the ‘luck’ factor in it. And as a result (or even the fatal consequences), no wonder some people in this website will feel even more alone, unloved, nobody cares, and some of them will probably even decide to be ‘gone forever’ by committing suicide.
But back to the main point again: if you really think much more deeper, you will see that it’s all random (yes, somewhat nihilistic). Some people will win, & some people will lose. Some people will survive & live, while some people will die. I always view our human species just like those little ants: There are billions of them on this planet, and some will get crushed & die, while some other will survive & live. That’s basically our human life too. In fact, it’s ALL lives in this universe. Some will live; Some will die.
Lastly, it’s the same thing with all of us here who are depressed & suicidal. You take a look at all your other friends, family, colleagues, or people, and how they somehow are happy, or even successful, and then you think: “Why I can’t be like that too?”, even though you’ve tried or even work really hard. And then even when you eventually see how some of us in this website can finally recover, cured, healed, & finally lead a normal, happy, & successful life too, it will make you think the same again: “Why I can’t be like them?”.
I don’t know if it’s god, karma, universe, destiny, fate, or just simply pure random chances. But to say that you don’t believe in luck, playing at least SOME aspects/parts in your life, that’s just naive, ignorant, & too simple-minded. People who said that probably haven’t truly ‘open their eyes & wake-up’ to reality.
- In feb of this year i cut my radial artery in my wrist. I just lost my best friend my twin flame my guy. Never got to say goodbye or sorry. I have had many suicide atrempts unfortunately but this one amd the one previous should have been the last. I dont remember doing it i just remember holding my arm i realizing it was bad cause it was squirting like in the movies. . My first thought was not to get help it was to proceed to get into the bath tub and let it happen. Not sure how much time passed but i felt myself getting weaker. I could heqr my cousin in other room getting ready for her date. I eneded up calling her into bathroom only cause i couldn’t bear the fact of her finding me hours later in the blood horror ahow in my bathroom. . I received emergency surgery and told the heqd doctor the next day that my other personality that tkes over sometimes did it. Told her me personally the one shes speaking to didnt but i have a new issue on top of my bipolar and they call it dissociative disorder so i kinda blqck out. The hospital released me within 12 hours of major surgery with no counsling or mental health check. Since then i literally have just been coasting by on auto pilot. Not sure how i have kept a job or not burned down my house. I was teying to die and no one person reached out to just be an ear to talk to or a hug when i was at my lowest. Not sure why im posting this. Maybe cause im pretty low tonight and it just hurts to never be seen. I dont want attention but . . Yeah i dont k ow what it is i want or need. I just k ow its not this life
No matter what you go through in life you always hear, “It will get better”. It didn’t and it won’t. I have no one to turn to and no one who would even care at this point. It’s not that I’ve ruined all of my friendships or I’m particularly mean, I’m just forgettable. I’m the person who will never be the favorite friend but would do anything for the people around me. Even my family I try to impress throughout all the abuse, sexual assault and negligence, I faced as a child I’ve still always tried to strive for their approval. In friendships, betrayal has come a normal but for some reason I can’t seem to get it through my head that they don’t care whether I’m there or not. Almost every relationship I’ve been in ruined due to either cheating, abuse or sexually assault. I’m starting to think it has more to do with me than them.
Lets say for argument sake, “It does get better” I’m not willing to wait anymore. I’ve reached my breaking point and I’m ready to stop the pain. The trauma never goes away whether I’m grieving over my dads passing or anything else I’ve dealt with in my life, it doesn’t get easier for me. I have a plan and I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry.
To: Sister with a flower in the head
You are really greedy huh? You have been living well, have many friends, have lovely boyfriend, have your youth life without studying, hang out friends, eating good food, top three doctor college, but still you said you are jealous of me…
You said its not enough and you still need 1% of my happiness. How can you be so cruel as a sister huh? You want to play music like me, you want to be loved by parents like me, like me, like me, like im living with the best live more than yours.
Everyone can see even you can see even you said it yourself. Yes you are better than me. I said it here and there.
Like me you said? Feeling miserable 23 hours a day. Cant find what I want to do. I cant even recognize myself or my hobby anymore. My hobby faded so my happiness. My self love deteroriated. You can see a deep black under my eyes because i cant sleep at all. If you ask me why i cant sleep, its the headache or my ear keep ringing or my eyes like pressed by someone or i cant breathe sometimes or i got sleep paralyze. Sometimes when i finally got to sleep i wake up with miserable feeling. A dream of old memories like a torture. I hate this. I hate that. Ive been living with this for years. Even right now my head hurts like hell writing this. Its like my head going to explode.
If i can trade my life with you i would. I would. Oh i would. I dont need this music talent at all that i hate right now. I dont need my good voice at all that i cant even try to sing anymore. I dont need my dying parents love at all. Dont you see they love you more than me right now. You are succesfull and not like me a trash. I dont need my kind heart that always help people in need and now no one help me. You know it feels so lonely at night at morning at evening at afternoon. Locking myself in my room feel safer because i wont get hurt someone wont get hurt.
You know if reborn did exist i dont want to be reborn. At all. I want to be a void. Leaving this toxic world that even your family cant help. I have no regret leaving this world. Dont worry. Actually I will feel so muchh better. Like a bigggggg biiiiggg stone lifted up from me. Karma does exist and i hope you dont get one.
I still remember that you said depression too when your wedding plan got cancelled because of covid. Yes you sure about it because you are a doctor. If you really have one then why you did all this to me when you see i try to die 2 times and countless of time cutting and choking myself and hitting my head with things. I wonder why you said that to me. To die drinking rat poison. To die as fast as i can. I wonder why you said that. I really wonder why. But you know if maybe you really have one, i hope yours wont get worsen like me. Dont be like me. Its not good or happy at all or once. Its painful really painful.
I dont know what to said anymore. But if you find this web and my diary. Hi its your lil sis. Ive been searching for help for years. Ive been searching for love and hug for years. Do you remember that last time we hug? I dont think so. Be happy sis live well and wlak the flower path. Hey dont cry its okay its all in the past.
Once i said this the past is not a past. The past is what makes me right now. So the past is now. So i dont know. But yeah i know you will move on. Nice to meet you again here.
From : Lil sis with a mushroom in the head
It’s simple and I’ve come to accept that my life is a failure. I agree that not every living body has the ability to play this game. “Living” (game of life)
Mentally and physically the older you get the less you can control. What boosts your chances of having success is adopting early to the challenges we typically face has humans. Being social enough to have friends, learn to speak with strangers. Work hard and bring value to share with your family. Express emotions with the opposite sex to love and protect.
Ive took it all for granted.. didnt bother to learn from my mistakes. Continued to drift and bounce between self damages that are now my beliefs. I’m delusional. I’m scared to face my reality. What’s past my bedroom door. Crying from the intense observations of others. Having a mental break down just looking at others converse and laugh, enjoying themselves with others. I sence the world has past me by.. I just dont know when it happened and how long I have been this way.
I have a family I dont deserve because i dont know how to love.
I hate myself because I dont know how to forgive and forget.
I missed my opportunity… to grow. To be someone, who others wouldn’t mind to think and say something positive about.
I’m Less than Dead.
My name is Brody and I will try to build the courage to kill myself.
What’s on your mind, bud? Talk to me.
I know you came on this website to see what people have to say, to see if you can leave any comments. And I also know that you want to leave comments on people to help them with the shit they’re going through.
SCREW THAT. THAT’S NOT WHY YOU’RE HERE. YOU’RE HERE BECAUSE YOU NEED HELP, YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO’LL LISTEN.
I WILL LISTEN.
Leave a comment, let’s talk. I’ll listen. No judgement, no problem-solving (unless you want it). I’ll try my best to understand, I’ll try my best to here you until you’re through, and most importantly I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU. Talk to me, leave a comment.
To the admins: I’ve been here since 2012, if memory serves me. I’ve been to some of the deepest, shittiest parts of life and came back fighting with lots of psychedelics, booze, victories and losses. I’ve had an amazing amount of love thrown at me and have recently come back to this site with the intention of helping.
Just waiting for the right moment when I can end it all. I am done and soon it will be over. I will finally be free from them. I am done being told what to do, who to be, and tired of everyone’s bullshit. I am angry and hurt and its all I feel these days. I have no one and I have told no one how I been feeling, and the only person that matters to me I cannot burden them. I just need this to end and to get it over with. I Should have killed myself years ago.
You dont have right to cry
Because you already know but you only asking why
I am enough with all these try
Just shut up and let me die
I HATE YOU
Last night I picked up a bottle of pills and poured all of them in my mouth, there was about 40 in the bottle. I didn’t swallow them because I still have things I need to do before I can end my life, but in that moment I realized how easy I could end it. I was always scared to kill myself because I thought it would be difficult I didn’t know what to do. But when I put the pills in mouth I realized I could just go ahead and swallow them and end it now. I’m not as scared as before because now I know how quickly I can take the pills and end it. I don’t know if what I’m saying even makes sense but it brought me some peace to know that maybe it won’t be as hard to die as I thought.
I just ingested about 70mg worth of cyanide, in the hopes that I won’t wake up in the morning.
After a shitty life full of betrayal and hatred, it may finally be coming to an end.
Last night I got PTSD, and earlier today I learned that literally all my friends, my boyfriend included, hates me.
I don’t really know what I want my last words to be, assuming I do die, which I probably won’t, Google says the minimum lethal dose is 100mg. But I guess I’ll just come up with something on the spot.
Alice, Richard, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I had to leave you at such a difficult time in your lives. But don’t worry. We’ll hug again. You just have to wait until you die too. There will be an afterlife where we can meet up and spend the rest of eternity together. This is my hope.
I probably won’t die, but if I do, bye guys.
I met her when she was in bad shape. Living in a spare bedroom of a disaster of an older woman, after she fled her abusive husband. She was a stripper, and I was a lonely man. To me, her body was perfect, irresistible, but it wasn’t just her body I wanted. The night I met her, we talked for hours. It wasn’t just a pay your money, that was fun, and let’s be done with it type of thing. We connected, and I wanted her soul. We began seeing each other outside of the strip club, and she told me her past and struggles (sexual abuse as a child), and I told her of my bouts with depression. We became close, and “dated” in a way, but it was like dating in your freshman year in high school. We held hands, we went out to eat and went shopping together. I spoiled her. It was never sexual. I wanted it to be, but I waited for her to be ready for that. I felt she was too fragile to push the matter.
Money became involved. I wanted to improve her situation, so she could go back to school and do whatever she wanted to do. I had the resources to do it, so I helped her out financially, then helped her out some more, then more. There was always more that she needed. Something was wrong. I broke off our romantic relationship, but I couldn’t leave her. A few weeks passed, and I found out from her mom that she was an addict. I had been enabling. I was devastated. I’ve never hated myself more than that moment, dry-heaving over my toilet out of remorse.
I still loved her, so I decided to stay and try to be a positive influence for her, to help her get clean, maybe to atone for my sins, I don’t know. She was my whole life. I worked so she could live, and after work I spent much of my time with her, or doing things for her. I became distant with all my friends; video games were my escape when it was too much to deal with. It was a long, hard, often miserable road. I can’t even bear to think of some of it, but there were good moments too. She got clean for a while, landed a job, and they were even grooming her for a promotion, and she started to see some worth in herself. I was so proud of her.
She never had an interest in anything more than friendship, very close friendship, with me again, but she found other lovers. Mostly deadbeats who couldn’t or wouldn’t take care of her, and she was in no condition to take care of herself, so she lived with me while she was with them. I wanted to respect her romantic decisions, but it was miserable.
I started to resent her, and while I tried to hide it, she could see something was wrong. I was worried I would become the villain, so I wanted to extract myself from the situation gracefully, but the opportunity didn’t present itself. Without me, she had nowhere to go. She would be on the streets. I couldn’t allow that. Finally, she met a decent guy, a real gentleman, who treated her well and wanted to make a life with her. He was a recovering addict too, so they understood each other and felt safe talking to each other. She seemed happy, really happy, and she didn’t need a drug to make it happen anymore. Finally, I could pass the baton and try to move on.
They made plans to move in together. I made plans to move back home to be closer to my sisters and parents. She got pregnant. He relapsed and died. It had been 6 years since I met her. My life had been on pause for her for that entire time. I couldn’t bear the thought of being the de-facto father for her daughter and my life being on pause indefinitely if I had no intimacy with her. I kept to my plans to go home, but I decided to send her and her sister money so they could afford to live together. She was hurt; it was terrible timing for me to leave given her situation, but she respected it, even if she didn’t quite understand it. Shortly after her daughter was born, I left.
Things seemed to be going ok for a while, but then she got in a fight with her sister and they parted ways. Her financial needs increased, but it wasn’t exorbitant, she was on her own with a young daughter, it made sense that she would need more. I wasn’t making as much money so I struggled to support both of us, and started digging myself into a financial hole. She didn’t seem to be doing well emotionally or physically. I did what I could from where I was, but I wasn’t there for her like I was before, the distance made it impossible. I wasn’t the always-present rock for her to go to like I had been all those years.
Then I got the call from her sister. She was dead. She had relapsed and had medical complications associated with her previous drug use. I don’t know which killed her. I suspect the relapse was a way to deal with the physical pain she was in from the medical complications. She got money from someone else as well as me, so I couldn’t tell how much money she was spending, so it didn’t raise red flags for me. I had known her for 7 years.
It’s been almost a year. I’m still in financial ruin. In debt with family, with my bank, with the IRS. I don’t know how or if I’ll dig myself out. I have only 2 friends, a happily married couple that I’ve known since high school. They live fairly far away, so I see them maybe twice a year. I don’t know how to make friends anymore; I’m not sure I want to make friends anymore. A coworker, who knows I’m lonely, but has no idea what I’ve been through, suggested that I give dating a try, and offered to help me make a dating profile or maybe get her circle of friends involved, and do some matchmaking if a female friend of a friend was also looking for someone. I don’t want to be alone, but the thought of romance, or even a casual hookup (where I know my feelings will get involved) made me feel physically ill. I’m terrified of it, and it’s hard to imagine anything worse. Pondering this, I thought of the pain of having the skin burned off my arm; even this seems preferable to me than a romantic relationship. I had no idea I was that messed up until she suggested dating.
After yet another financial setback, I’m thinking that maybe I should turn off the lights and let the curtain fall on this tragedy, so here I am. I’m fairly certain I’m emotionally broken in ways that can’t be fixed. I have no purpose, no desires for my own future. My time off work is filled with nothing, just watching some entertainment, video games, and dicking around on the internet. It doesn’t make me happy, but it makes the time pass more quickly. I don’t regret the time spent; nothing else feels like it would be better. Keeping my head above water financially is exhausting and stressful, and I’m tired.
It’s been 31 years, and I think I blew my shot at a good life. Even if I got my finances in order (realistically, sometime in my mid-30s), I would still be an emotional trainwreck, broken from my past. I’ve seen it in other people; at my age, this stuff doesn’t heal. Why keep going? Does the world really need another depressed zombie listlessly plodding through life? I don’t want to hurt my family, so right now, that’s keeping me alive, but I’m not sure how long that’s going to be enough.
Please, don’t ever wind up like me.
It’s not as bad as it was before but there is never a week that goes by without me questioning whether I’m even worth anything to anyone around me. For a time I truly believed that I wasn’t worth anything and that I was a nuisance to everyone around me and that the world didn’t need me. I’ve seen all these online articles about how the world needs you when you’re questioning your worth but during this time I felt that the world would have been better off without me as that would’ve been one less resource sucking carbon-emitting sack of organic molecules. I’ve heard from others like my parents that I’m not a nuisance, but it’s kind of hard to take something like that in from my parents since they are partially responsible for why I’m suffering from emotional numbness and depression. I’ve heard people argue that the world would be a much different place without me, but the science part of my brain argued that the world will continue spinning on its axis and revolving around the sun without stopping, slowing or altering in any way, meaning that the world as a whole will still be the same, whether or not I disappear. When you have that kind of perspective it’s pretty hard to even take in ideas like how the world will be different without you. Usually, you see something positive at the end posts like these, but I’m just too depressed at the moment to say anything positive or reassuring to anyone reading this, so I’m sorry in advance.
Well in 2014 I lost the girl I thought would be wife. My fiance. And I let her down… I wasn’t good enough to make her happy and so… She found someone better than me. I don’t blame her. I always knew she would see me for what I really am. Worthless.
Here I am 6 years later looking at the empty space next to me in my bed… Wishing she was still here every night.
I thought she would be different. That maybe this time I would be enough. But it fell apart like always.
At the time, I figured by 30 Id be able to fix what was wrong with me. That gave me 9 years, which seemed so long at the time. I thought surely id be able to find someone who could love me even though I don’t deserve it… or that maybe I would somehow win my fiance back, that id be able to become someone worth her love, someone worth being with… But that was never possible, and every year that number gets smaller. It’s down to 2½ now. 2½ years before I die.
Even if someone COULD love me, I could never let it happen. Everyone who is unfortunate enough to care about me just gets hurt. I dont deserve to be loved. And I don’t deserve to be happy, because the cost of my happiness is making sometime else miserable.
Even if I won my fiance back, or found someone new. I could never let them Marry me. I can’t get this picture out of my head that someday at the end of their lives they’ll look back and regret that they picked me. We only get one shot at life. I’m not worth someone wasting their only chance on me. No one should have to go though that. I’m not a good person and I can’t hurt anyone else.
And so I only have 2½ years left. At best, my 30th birthday will be my last. A party of me hopes I catch and die from covid. From what I understand it’s horrible.. And that’s what I deserve. A way to pay for a small amount of the pain I’ve caused for people who loved me. And then no one will have to know how much I wanted to die or why. I don’t want my family to know what I’ve done to everyone who has ever cared about me.
I deserve this pain. And I deserve the weight of knowing the date of my own death.
Bye. I’m sorry that I got to this point. I’m just so fucked up, and the world is the same way. My parents are great. They’re amazingly supportive and everything. I wish they had a daughter that was worthy of their love. The world is just so utterly screwed. I love my cats and that’s about it. Thanks to everyone reading this. Honestly, even though you don’t know me, I’m amazed that you’re so empathetic. Thank you. I hope everything ends up better for you. Good luck, y’all.
I wrote on this blog in 2017 and in 2018 and this is 2020 almost nothing has changed. I still hate my life and everything it entails.
I had a short adventure with a guy living in Cameroon and I got pregnant. He rejected the pregnancy and abandoned me to my own fate. I didn’t want to abort because that would just have been adding sin on another sin and that would have made me a coward like him cus running away is always the easier way out. I kept the baby knowing how much it would penalize me financially, emotionally and even professionally because i was struggling at that time to get my permanent residency in Canada and I needed to keep working through my pregnancy to get that done. I trusted God though I knew he would reward me for doing his will and not aborting. And He did. I met this new guy while I was still pregnant and he showed me love like I hadn’t known before. He decided to make me move in with him, promised to adopt my child and raise her like his own. Things were fine when my mother was here because she could take care of the baby while him and I continue to build our love but as soon as she left things went south. He felt neglected, uncared for and disrespected because the main topic of conversation in the house was always the baby. How he doesn’t iron her clothes like we agreed, how he forgot to make her food, how he doesn’t financially take care of her because technically its not his child, how he can’t hold her for a couple of hours while i study. Its like I now measured his love based on how good of a father he was or could have been to my child and that was putting a lot of pressure on him and he left me. Before he did, he was also cheating on me, sleeping with prostitues and paying more than $250 for sex whereas he could barely buy baby’s milk for $30. He would remind me everyday how he took me with my child and insinuate that no other man would do that. He didn’t want me to be in school and he would rather i stay home and be a housewife and even have his own child while I am at it. When i tell him i cannot have a second child out of mariage he gets irritated like oh he took me with child, he pays rent at home, hos family knows about me already. Mariage will come when its time. What’s the big deal? He even says stuff like did the previous guy marry me before i chose to have his baby? He told me he would only adopt the baby when i have his own child and he didn’t want to be liable for child support. I will feel so frustrated and sad because I want to keep this guy but is having a second child really a good idea? What if he leaves me and i find myself having two children with two different baby daddies? Like i don’t even care about child support and money. If I did I would have had my baby with a guy in Canada or USA so that the court can actually make him pay those bills. All I ever wanted was for us to be like a real family; united and blended. This guy also became scared for his life and that of his family back home because I had been getting numerous spiritual attacks from the biological father of my child and from his mother. They will haunt me in my dreams and sometimes i would even have the feeling that they are seated in the corner of the room and watching me. Even my misfortune last summer in France him and his family were the ones responsible for it but then again that is a story for another time. At first my new guy will help me pray and do novenas over all those spiritual attacks but it came to a point he got scared too. He said he didn’t want to be labeled as a child thief by stealing someone’s child and presenting himself as his father. Also the Cameroon guys father is probably the richest man in the city where i live. He is very influential and holds a top position in the leading government. They can do anything and get away with it. They want my child not because they care but because its their blood and they can use her for rituals. They are evil people both in the physical and spiritual world. They are waiting for me to step foot in Cameroon with her so that they can seize her forever from me. All this scares the new guy who is Cameroonian too and has his family living in Cameroon. He fears for their safety. Amongst other things, that is the reason he decided to end the relationship. He feels i will bring him more problems than happiness and I do not blame him except for the fact that he was emotionally abusif and tried to blackmail me into having his own baby out of marriage knowing fully well the history i have been through. I blame myself however for ever meeting that boy in Cameroon whom I chose to date because I was tired of all the boyfriend drama in Toronto. I wanted someone brand new. I just wanted to be loved and appreciated and he managed to convince me to have a baby with him just to abandon me later on. He wanted me to abort but because I didn’t, now he wants the child but only for his witchcraft satanic world. My mom had warned me about rumours of his family being ritualists but I didn’t listen and proceded to date him now it has landed me into a lifetime traumatic experience. Funny enough the two friends who were closest to me when I was pregnant, my roommate and her best friend, they don’t even believe me when I talk about these spiritual attacks which I have been experiencing. They say its all in my head and imagination. They say I should give that boy in Cameroon the chance to build a relationship with his daughter. They think all what I am saying is just an excuse because I have met someone else. It hurts me so much that they don’t understand me. They even go as far as being friends with the boy on social media despite all the pain he has put me through. Why will my own friends betray me like this. I would give my kidney for my friends but my friends always just betray me. Could they be jealous of my new relationship? If only they even knew what was going on in there maybe they wouldn’t be. They don’t root for me like i would root for them. I don’t have luck with friends either especially female friends. By the way I have never believed in friendship triangles. Two people will always sit and talk about the third person and I know they talk about me in my back I just know it.
my life was already miserable as it is but i thought having a baby will make it better, i thought that will give me a reason to want to live and fight for another day but the truth is it didn’t. It makes me hate life even more cus now all eyes are on me to see how good of a mother I am. I can barely take care of myself how possibly can I take care of someone else? Some people say I am mean, evil, weird, possessed and maybe its true. What kind of education then can I transfer unto my child? What good thing can she possibly learn from a depressed suicidal mother who drives away all men who come her way?
They say girls with daddy issues usually act crazy and has attachment or detachment problems which is so true in my case. In the previous article i wrote on this block, I mentioned how much my relationship with my dad has been rocky and he was verbally abusif to me and made me feel so unworthy all my life. which is why I fall for men so quickly. As soon as I see a man who is willing to show me just a little bit of love, I cling unto to him because I see him as the protector that i never had or never found in my dad. That’s how i get involved with men so quickly without evaluating my self worth or without evaluating their true intentions. Before I realize it is too late. I have been called a whore in the past based on this attitude of moving from one guy to the next quickly and i won’t blame those who judge me for that but really I am just looking to be loved and understood.
i love this child but to be honest i don’t want her. I hate her dad and all the satanic traumas he has made me go through. I hate the fact that she chases away even the men who come my way. They love her, they love me but no one wants to deal with all the baggage associated with us. I cannot even send her to Cameroon with my parents because there is 110% chance she will be kidnapped by those people. Therefore I cannot build a new relationship with any man without my child getting in the way. I am stuck and I hate it. She is so precious i don’t even deserve her. I thought i did a good thing to keep her but now I even regret. My life is more miserable than before. I have my bachelors degree to finish , i need to work so I can make a living but i cannot do all that with a baby under 9 months. I need help!! Daycares are closed and I was even approved for licensed homecare but as soon as I told the provider that my baby had difficulty breathing in the past, she refused to care for the child. She said she is not comfortable. My doctor even filled out forms to indicate that the baby is fine now and her breathing was never diagnosed as a health problem and i shouldn’t even have mentioned it to them. But i panicked and wanted to be honest but it landed me in more problems now my baby can’t even go to daycare. My mom even took an early retirement to come help me but because of Covid she cannot come. My aunt in USA said she would come get the child. I went through a lot of trouble trying to get my member of Parliament write a letter which would allow her cross the border but now she doesn’t seem too interested anymore. Plus her husband isn’t in support of it either. I am stuck! Everyone is like why don’t you go to your brother’s place? My brother has tried to be supportive the best way he knows how. However, he doesn’t understand depression and has told me several times that it is “white people’s illness“ and that he doesn’t want to hear about it anymore! I think only my mom understands me and maybe my best friend too. He has been there since day 1. I don’t even deserve him. However they are both so far away and cannot help much. My child’s godmother too has been helpful but also so far away. I feel so stuck!! I want to exercise, get drunk, smoke weed, sleep non stop, have sex or just do anything that will help me forget my pain but I can’t because where do I keep this child to go do all of that? I am so stuck and I hate it !! The few friends I have in the area all live like an hour away by car and i don’t drive. With the bus its like 2-3 hours or more and plus I am so ashamed to tell them about my issues. I have portrayed this perfect image and God-blessed relationship that now I do not have the words to even explain how sour things have become. How do I tell the world that this “perfect new guy“ never truly accepted my child as he promised? He was abusif controlling and just wanted a woman that will have his own kids. Based on my history with men they will probably not believe me right? Everyone will think i am the problem because there is no way he can be wrong right? I won’t even bother saying anything cus that will make me look even more stupid and people who don’t want the best interests for me will just rejoice over my misery. My self esteem is so low that somehow i still manage to blame myself for everything that went wrong in this new relationship .
I live in the same house with my ex boyfriend and we don’t even talk. Its so depressing. Am only here because i cannot afford rent, at least not at the moment. My friends now is the suicide help line, child aids soceity, the Canadian Mental Health Association, the office of spiritual affairs of the Archdiocese of Toronto and the Catholic family counselling services. Those are the people I talk witg on a regular basis and I even requested for an exorcism from the bishop because maybe i am truly possessed. I want to be normal, i am tired of being broken and being weird and having things the hard way. If I have hurt anyone before and this is my karma, I don’t think I deserve it because I have already been through a lot of shit 2017-2018 and even 2019 which I believe was karma enough. In fact was even way more than karma. Also as far as I can remember, I have apologized to everyone I have hurt and my apologies were sincere. Could it be that I am my father’s karma instead? He has hurt people so much I won’t be surprised if I am the scapegoat for his payback. I don’t want to be broken , disturbed and sad anymore. I want to be a source of inspiration for others, be in love, get married and be fulfilled in my career and aspirations . Am I not God’s child too? Why is he so hard on me? I thought i would use my relationship as a testimony for others to trust God but now am heartbroken because of this new guy. He abandoned me just like everyone did. I am angry he should have left me where I was. I was sad yes but i met him at a point where I was trying to build myself up already and i had already accepted my fate as a single mother. Why will he take me just to dump me again. How do I recover from this? My child’s name was chosen by him, she has a godfather who was chosen by him too . On her baptism certificate, name of father is his name. How do I recover from this? How do I undo all this? I neither have the will, the patience nor the strength to raise my daughter alone and even if I did, wouldn’t she grow up with daddy issues just like me? How do we stop this cycle?
I was prescribed an antibiotic after birth to heal my stitches. I used to take 4 a day and it was so strong that i will fall when walking. It made me super dizzy and nauseated. I stopped taking then but there was still some leftover; about 16 pills. I swallowed all at once 2 weeks ago but nothing happened like absolutely nothing. Were they expired? I don’t know or is it just God refusing to end my misery on this earth? Yesterday night I diluted 50 pills of tylenol extra strength in warm water but didn’t find the courage to take them. What if I don’t die and people find out I tried to commit suicide? I would have to live with that stigma all my life untop of the fact thatI already hate life as it is. They say more than 8 pills of acetaminophen can cause intoxication. 50 pills probably won’t kill me but I just want to at least even just sleep for long without baby disturbance. I want to even just go into a coma for a week or two just to take a break from all these thoughts which make me feel unworthy, unwanted, guilty, sinful and rejected.
In the state if Arizona, there is a tunnel known to grant you wishes. If you drive through it, hold your breath until the end, you can make a wish and only hope it to come true. When I was younger, I’d always wish for a bike, finding my soulmate, or a house, camera, etc.
When I was 12, my wishes started to change. I had started wishing for a permanent home to stay, for someone in my family to show me love, for me to be happy; I gave up on that quickly as things were always getting worse. So I started wishing for my death. I wished I would become diagnosed with a terminal illness, for a Semi to strike me while in the car, for someone to walk up and shoot me in the head. It seems dark, but I’m assuming for this site, it could also just seem amateur or ridiculous because there is always someone out there that wants to tear you down no matter the cause.
People always spoke to me when I would open up to them and they would all give me the “It gets better” speech. What they never tell you, and no one will because they have to remain optimistic for your sake, is that for some others: It does not get better. Then they proceed to tell you that you must hit rock bottom because the only way is up from there. I don’t think they understand what rock bottom could mean for some people.
Anyways, this isn’t about them. It’s not about anyone. This is about me and what led me to my decisions.
Today I sit alone in a hotel room located at one of my favorite places in the world: Sedona, Arizona. It’s so peaceful and quiet here. I knew this is where I wanted to be to take my final breath. Although, I did invite 3 people to come with and stay with me. No takers. Made this decision easier. No one has even reached out to me while I’ve been here. I even confessed to a friend I was planning on suicide at this hotel and yet, I’m still all alone.
In summary, my mom was verbally/mentally/physically abusive. She was also very manipulative. She would often have sex with me sleeping on the bed with her and the new guy of the year. Same with my siblings; we’d sleep on the floor while she’d be on the bed making a lot of noise in the middle of the night while we had to wake up for school the next morning. She would beat me due to her temper and patience. While she would help me study with flash cards, if I got an answer wrong, she would scream at me; call me an idiot, say she was disappointed, and then throw the cards off the tablet, slap me/pinch me and would tell me to figure it out. If she had a reason to beat me, she would be sure to grab the metal hanger, not the plastic. She would be sure to grab the belt that was studded. She would be sure to buy me clothes to cover up the marks and bruises. She would make me take care of my baby brothers, change their diapers, feed them, put them to sleep because she simply didn’t want to; I was 11 at the time. We moved every year depending on who she was fucking at the time. For a while I would stay with others and they just neglected me because they hated my mom and wanted nothing to do with me either. We hadn’t spoke in years until she had a stroke a couple of years ago. Then she wanted to speak to me, try and be kind, but really she just wanted to collect pity. I attempted to drop contact with her until I got a phone call from a collection agency stating she stole my identity and owed money for unpaid bills. When I confronted her about it, she told me to go fuck myself. Mother dearest…
My father was never there unless he needed to remind himself that he was a father to 6 estranged kids. He was a typical dad. Neglected his children so he can run off and do drugs and fuck whomever he wanted. He went to prison for 5 years because of it. He reached out to me, attempting reconcile our relationship. I gave him a chance and he ended up neglecting me for some woman he had just met and thereafter wanted nothing to with me until later. He attempted to contact me again and I refused. He then proceeded to threaten me and say he would die soon due to high blood pressure and for that I should show more respect. I followed in my mothers footsteps and told him to fuck off. My mother threatened me last year similarly when she had a stroke. They both got a close taste to death and they finally noticed me… They wanted to speak to me because in all honesty, they were lonely bitter people and they needed one person to soak up sympathy from. Father dearest.
When I was 20, I met the love of my life. We moved across the country and were head over heels in love. We hardly ever argued, we showed each other such an immense amount of affection, and we spoke about the future we could create for ourselves. He made me believe that I deserved loved for the first time in my life. I felt loved and cared for. He was there for me every step of the way, including on my bad days when I would struggle with my mental health. He was my best friend. Some of the things I miss and remember most: When I would wake up and see him lying next to me. Messing around to the point where we would wrestle each other and laugh our heads off. The days when we would be at war with our Nerf guns. Movie nights after work and cuddles on the couch. Listening to music in the car and singing to the top of our lungs. Getting into bed at night and having him always hold my hand until he fell asleep. Kisses on the forehead. Taking off my hat and running his fingers through my hair even though I was insecure about the psoriasis on my scalp. Calling me beautiful on days I didn’t feel like it. Cooking dinner creations while dancing in the kitchen to music. Holding each other in the shower after a hard day at work. His eyes. The way his cheeks got red in the cold. His crooked smile. I believed him to be the soulmate I asked for in that tunnel. The happiness I had always wished for, my forever home. We talked about getting married, having kids and living in a house close to the mountains.
Then my mental illness got in the way… I sabotaged our relationship due to my insecurities. After 4 and a half years, we decided to separate to work on ourselves for a while until we could be together again. Although it didn’t work that way. One day before I moved back home, we saw each other again to catch up and say goodbye. He told me that he planned on proposing to me at this spot we traveled to when we moved to Washington state. It was a beautiful spot, the mountain was full of fall colors, leaves all over the ground, the lake flowing towards the cascades and just a waterfall about 10 feet away. It was perfect. But he moved on… quickly. He slept with women a month after our split. He also met someone else and is now starting a life with her not even a year after we split. They look happy… He messaged me and told me he was over me and no longer interested and then blocked me on all social platforms. Lover dearest.
Love is fucking weird. I’ve never felt it so passionately only to have it pulled out from underneath my feet like that. I was never deserving of it and that proved it for me. It may seems silly to you all, you’re probably rolling your eyes, but with my personal experiences and what I have gone through growing up, that was my beacon of light. He was my light and he not only smashed the glass, but he took out the bulb and shattered the glass to dust so there was no opportunity of bringing it back to repair. And I still miss him… I still try to glue the pieces I can find to put it back together but it never turns out right. He was my best friend… he was the love of my life. My soulmate. I knew it. I just did. I felt it in my heart. He treated me so kindly and loved me in ways I never knew existed. And I fucked it up! I fucked it up. I fucked it all up.
No mother. No father. No love. No friends. No family. And not a care. Neglected. Rejected. Abandoned. Abused. Broken.
I tried. I tried so hard to survive. I can no longer. It’s time.
You know, I wanted to be a singer all my life. An artist, but I was always told it was a waste of time. I still would sing because if I didn’t, my soul would brittle. I leave today listening to one of my favorite artists of all time: Otis Redding. Sittin’ on the Dock of the Bay. One of the last recordings he made before leaving this world tragically at the age of 26, same as me. I hope to see him on the other side and duet with him. That’s what I would like to think…
I wish you all the best. Thank you for taking the time to read my very summed up story about my life. Ever since I entered that tunnel, I had always wished for this very thing. Death. And I will finally make it come true today. Just know I wanted this ever since I was a kid. Things overall: Did not get better. And that’s okay.