Hello, I see that this is a site where people share how sad they are and there are some helpful people out there. I hope I can get some nice feedback from others. I want to start off by saying that I am 21 years old. My grandma had passed away and it took a big toll on me. My family too of course, but for me I wanted to die. Ive attempted to kill myself and this sweet genuine old lady passed away and in my eyes it wasn’t her time to go. It honestly should’ve been me. Recently I’ve been kicked out of my house by my parents due to a big fight that went on. To sum that up, it was built up sadness and anger that took over me and I just blew it all at them which ended up me getting kicked out. Most of it was towards my mom..So now, I live with my grandpa. I don’t like living here very much but I got to bring along my dog who I see as my literal life line. He’s honestly my best friend. I never had a good relationship with my mom, I really feel like we always were together so much and it kind of bothered me? Because we never actually got to have a good time, we just always fought even over the littlest things. I was also diagnosed with depression a longtime ago. I overdosed in the summer of 2018 on Benadryl because I was ready to die. It feels like nobody cares about me. That feeling has never left. Not one time.When I overdosed all I got was my family yelling at me. Nothing but them telling me how dumb I am and how selfish I was for trying to kill myself. It made me feel worse and to this day I think about what they said and it makes me feel bad still. I developed a disorder called TTM, also known as Trichotillomania. This developed when I was around 7 years old. Its a hair pulling disorder which causes you go to bald depending how severe your disorder is. Its went away for around middle school and my high school years but unfortunately, it has gotten worse for me AGAIN. When im sad I seem to do it and I only pull the hair from my head so I have such bad scaring and a sensitive scalp because of it. I feel ugly, and seeing my bald spots make me feel uglier. You’d think I’d want to stop but I can’t. Sometimes I don’t even know im pulling until its too late and I have such a big clump of hair next to me. It hurts to see it but I just feel helpless. I get told to take my medicine which I am now taking Fluoxetine, and I feel it doesn’t do much. I get told to up my dosage but that doesn’t seem to do anything for me either, I really have no hope in doing anything. My mom has repeatedly told me that I “wouldn’t be so sad” had I taken my medicine every singled. I PROMISE you, I have and It has not helped me. Ive switched to many different anti depressants and the one that was super effective but in a negative was was Duloxetine. It made me feel no emotion and I was just tired all of the time. Now im back on Fluoxetine and it doesn’t help me either. I’m just so sad and I don’t know what to do anymore. I get yelled at for going out to walk my dog, get yelled at if I go get food for just my dog or just myself, and the people I live with just always want me to bring them stuff when im not able to buy 3 other people things all the time in the household. Ive been saving my money up to get a new place but it always gets depleted because they find a way to make me feel so bad about not spending money on them and its making me even more sad because I feel like just stuck. I started to cut myself again and I want to hurt myself so damn badly and I can feel myself everyday wanting to hurt myself again. I need help but im afraid to be sent away. I’m honestly really at my wits end. I’m about to overdose again. And the only person that I know will care is my dog. It hurts that I don’t want to leave him but I feel like I’m not going to get anywhere with how im feeling. I’m sorry that what I wrote was a lot
My Suicide Note
I want to thank this website where I could write my last words and the thoughts that I couldn’t share with anyone else. But now the water has gone above my head, I’m drowning and my head hurts. After a long time, I’m able to make a decision without the interruption of the constant conflict that was running in my head. And I did try everything I could… I told my brother, my best friend, this website and the helpline guy (and they must’ve tried to bring me back) but I think the toxicity inside of me was just too much for anyone to erase it. So I guess it’s my job now to erase myself, once and for all. I’m not having any regrets, guilt or remorse. I just know that by doing this, I would start an eternity of happiness for everyone else (maybe me myself). And yes, in case you’re wondering what if I survived and this just becomes an attempt, then don’t worry cause no matter how fucked up I was, I had one gift… I was good in math (yeah, I get it, not many people are good in math, but no matter how random it seems, I was good in math) so I’ve made all the calculations and the conclusion is that there’s no way that I would survive once I jump off the roof of my building. So yeah, that’s my ‘way out’. And yes, I’d be better off dead, laying in that coffin, just me with silence, just me resting in peace… How good that’d be… Getting silence at last… Anyways, I do have a little advice for you (even if it’s fucked up) that if you have kids then try to talk to them if they seem suicidal… Although you wouldn’t be able to cause the only time you’d know that they’re suicidal would be when they are dead and as of 2020, the living can’t really speak to the dead so you know keep blaming yourselves for your kid’s death but the truth is she died cause it was her choice… You might’ve brought her up for the last 15 years but you couldn’t control her thoughts or likewise, her life. (Mind you, I’m not blaming my fam or anyone so don’t get into that) So yeah, I’mma stop right there, my words and my heart.
I feel like something’s eating up my brain. It’s like it has created a deep hole inside my soul. It is controlling me and my life. Sometimes, it tells me to hurt myself by my own hands while some other times, it tells me to hurt people who’ve hurt me. It just is so confusing that my mind is choked badly. I’ve lost my ability to think. And even slowly, but I’m losing myself upto an extent that I may die now. I want to die now. It has became my only wish – to die. It’s pinching and punching me. It is making me aware of parts of me that I never even knew, existed, those hidden dark mysterious parts of my empty yet peaceful soul. And I, too, like a fool, am letting it do whatever it wants to do with me because no matter how hard I try to oppose it, it won’t stop. It isn’t stopping. I’ve started to feel that there’s no sense trying because in the end, I’m definitely gonna lose. But then, that’s the whole point about trying because brave are the people who die trying. But what am I doing? Losing hope is all I can think about along with the fact that hope is something that wasn’t made for me. The irony here is that even darkness was not made for me because the creator must’ve been too scared to make anything for me and my empty soul. That is why, I wonder how come has this thing stuck with me if nothing was made for me, ever. I might sound like I am in total despair but I don’t think this thing, that has settled in my mind and is so busy twisting and hurting me, is bearable. Now, tell me what I’m supposed to do except for falling on my knees (I’m not begging it to leave me) and surrendering to it. And even the creator won’t know what this thing would do to me once I’ve surrendered. So if someday, someone asks you, why I did what I’m going to, just tell them (don’t overthink this because you’d never get a single answer) that I had no choice but to let myself go.
I almost started a chat with a suicide prevention person – or whatever. I felt totally pathetic. Let me text some random person on some suicide website and tell them my problems, so stupid.
Right now I’m just so angry. Angry at my self. Angry at this fucking virus that is changing everything and could kill my husband. Angry at this country I call my home.
Disappointment is an understatement. People are actually suffering and I’m crying in my nice bathroom located in my nice condo. It’s truly absurd and I hate myself for it.
Nothing in my life has been terrible, but nothing has been amazing either. Mediocre is the best description. And if I’m being honest, my life is the way it is because I made it this way.
I am mentally ill, but I’ve never seen more clearly than I see right now. The world runs on money, life is expendable, and I’ve never been more scared for myself and my fellow human beings.
I’m truly horrified and I don’t want to be here. I’m starting to lose this fight and I can only practice mindfulness so much before the pain begins to creep back in.
I don’t want to be here, but I can’t leave, I’m trapped in my body. Im trapped in my head.
“Life is a gift! Live, laugh, love! You only live once (YOLO)! Thank God! Life is beautiful!” etc etc. Well, not really. Wake up and open your eyes to reality.
Only those people who are lucky & fortunate in life who can loudly say that life is a gift. The reality is, not everyone is fortunate. In fact, most people on this planet live in pain & sufferings just barely enough to survive. And then, even if people live in the first-world developed countries like in U.S or Europe for example, there are ironically still people who are depressed, and even suicidal/commit suicide. If life is a gift, like most people nowadays keep saying, then why all those reality exist? The only answer I can think of is: it is human’s nature perhaps for (most) human beings to always want to keep surviving (the survival mechanism), and therefore, they need the optimism bias (especially the most prevalent today with all those motivational & self-help industry); even if it’s at the cost of ignorance (“Ignorance is bliss”), simple-mindedness, naivety, being oblivious, selfish, shallow, superficial, and lacking empathy (in deep way), and honestly speaking, stupidity.
I keep thinking back to that night 28 November at 03:58, when i wrote my goodbye note on my computer just minutes before the attempt.
Why did it have to fail again, it does not gets better like everyone promise it will.
I have never succeed anything in my life not even my last attempt, why I’m such failure in anything I try to do in my life. Everyday, every night I dream back to that moment. I’m going to try again and hope this time I get some good sleep from it.
This constant hate for myself has been getting overwhelming. Honestly suicide has started to become a huge option. I try to think positively of myself and about my life but I can’t and it’s really hard. I know there are peoples life’s worse than mine but I just don’t like myself and I always feel like I don’t deserve to live. I’ve been crying everyday of my life for the past couple of months non stop about 2-5 times a day. My body has become so weak and I always feel exhausted for all this crying but get 4 hours or less sleep a day. I think I’ve reached a breaking point where I can’t take it anymore and I can’t stand myself living anymore and I can’t go on like this. I don’t know what I should do but I know this hate for myself is never gonna stop now. It’s too deep. I don’t think I even liked me or truly loved myself and now it’s just turned to absolute hatred of who I am, what I am, what I look like, how I act, how I feel and where I am, and just everything about me I can’t stand anymore. I always feel like people’s life’s will be better if I was gone. I mean nobody has to worry about me anymore right? I’ll just be in a hole somewhere and everyone can just forget about me and everything will be better. That’s all I want anyway… just for everyone to forget I exist and maybe just to never exist cause I’m just always gonna be the piece of shit I am and nothing is ever gonna change. I don’t know how to what to live or strive anymore it’s so hard when you feel like this all the time and feel like your always peoples problem and nobody cares about you and you always annoy people and you always feel like people are saying bad things about you behind your back and always feel like people hate you or don’t like you. I just wanna be normal………
y’know, maybe i should be working on the assignments i said i would instead of letting one email get to me like this. But I can’t. I already put this up on a vent channel elsewhere but I deleted it because my friends were on there and I felt like such a bother. I mean, the person who got me here was me and me alone, why should I involve others like this? Then again, I just really wanted to get something out there other than keeping it in my mind and have it tear me down. I’ve always felt better after getting it out one way or another. But I just can’t help but hate myself and laugh at myself for not being able to tell the right people my thoughts, I just fear it. The thing is, since the beginning of the second semester, I chose not to do any assignments in spite of my parents. They’ve always wanted me to excel in my studies and used me to keep up their name. My extended family is toxic as hell and have broken my parent’s very name down to nothing. They wanted me to change that; they wanted to show that garbage could raise a daughter that were better than their children. The pressure is real and it only gets worst when everything gets slapped in my face. When my parents tell me I can’t call or talk to my own cousins because I’m the plague their family doesn’t want to infect my cousins and I should distance myself and continue striving to be better. When I’m reminded that my grandparents have a lot of connections and people watching me to tattle on my every move to turn a golf ball into a fucking 4,500kg wrecking ball in one call. I hate all of this. And I hate myself. I get it. I’m unsatisfactory, a plague, a disappointment, a leech, a *****, a fat ugly *****, and I can see the gleam of delight in their eyes as they watch me crumble under their call. So what did I decide to do? Rebel, by getting all F’s and feeling great about it. Until my teachers decided to go out of their way to involve my parents. All this time, I rebelled silently. I’m confident enough to rebel but too much of a coward to make it loud. And my parents still, after 3 months, don’t know about my grades. (And I still can’t get over the fact that my worth is deemed by these numbers.) And now, my rebellion just might come to light and I am absolutely terrified and scrambling to turn in all of my missing assignments to keep my teachers at bay. I have less than a week to turn in almost an entire semester’s worth of work though. I’m not here to complain about all the work, I understand that it was my fault for choosing to do so. But I was just so happy, being free from it all I let it go on for this long. I can’t end the semester with such grades, I was once a student who had near perfect grades so my sub-consciousness won’t accept that. But, while I’m slowly climbing out of the hole I dug for myself, I’m being knocked over by the anxiety of my parents finding out and having them break me because I’ve become “worthless”. My teachers going out of their way to contact my parents– terrifies me. I know, I know, I shouldn’t have done this in the first place. This is the price of my decision but I was happy being free for that time and I still want to be. It was either break under the pressure to be of worth or to break under being “worthless” by my “own” doing. I’m trying to climb back up. I know I was dumb. But please, if they involve my parents I won’t even be there to turn in those assignments. My life shouldn’t be revolving around this and I just might– make sure it won’t— I mean it won’t if I don’t have a life anymore, right?
6 Years ago, I found this website, while i was in my lowest ebb, and decided to post in here. I thought that when it was over, it would be over, however, it kept coming back. These horrific depressive episodes keep coming back. Right now, I am in my final year of uni, my life is a complete mess, I have undiagnosed ocd (magical/ superstitious thinking) I feel that every horrible feeling I had before is coming back because I didn’t do something correctly. My relationships are a mess, I fall under fearful avoidant, I jump from hot or cold, I get perpetually heartbroken, and always end up breaking hearts in a perpetual cycle of misery and suffering. I can’t handle being alone, and now that I actually am alone I can’t handle it. My obsessive compulsions are taking over my life. I am too heartbroken to function normally, and this is not the first time it has happened. I am too distracted to finish my dissertation . I may not finish it in the end. I have body image issues as well , I avoid eating as much as I can , it makes me extremely anxious. I am unable to enjoy food in any way. I recently went nofap( no porn or masturbation) in an attempt to try to heal myself , but it doesn’t seem to be doing anything. I am so alone, I can’t tell anyone , and I know it’s going to get worse. I tried, I really tried, but I keep getting lost in my own mind. I know I have undiagnosed depression, it keeps coming back , and it will not stop till it consumes me. I don’t need or want advice, I just want someone to talk to. I am too afraid to kill myself, but I don’t want to continue on anymore, I don’t know what will help, I don’t know how long more of this I can continue. I am suffering.
tell someone = burden someone, make them frustrated with me, I become vulnerable and unlikable = wrong
don’t tell someone = bottle it up until I kill myself = wrong
talk about it anonymously = no relief + vulnerability = wrong
kill myself = no more of this endless cycle of mistakes = maybe right, but slightly inconvenient for certain living people
fix myself = impossible, make no reasonable progress, hurt so many people on the way = wrong
run away = coward, escape all the people I’ve hurt, start over and fuck it up again or just kill myself = solid outcome
Fuck the law for making those who suffer unbearably commit suicide alone. It’s really unjust…fuck society for either calling us cowards for not being able to commit suicide or selfish when we do.. how dare society hold this bullshit double standard over us..if there’s one thing in my death I believe it’s essential for euthanasia to be legalised in every country for those who wish to die for whatever reason, whether it’s because of personality disorders (Like me NPD) or for physical illness or any other reason.
I don’t get why physical illness is treated different to mental…fuck the law and society..I’ll forever be a coward or selfish in the eyes of many and to them I put my middle finger up!
I am a blackhole I’m never filled or satisfied..that’s what having NPD is like…so if the law has any love/compassion/understanding it would legalise euthanasia..I don’t have time for the past or future anymore I’m just a stream of consciousness..and this is my message to the world.
I’ve been written of as crazy/weird many times and whatever..fuck them cunts and fuck people..I’m done..bye bye..toodaloo motherfuckers.
always get out of the hole to get sucked right back in. i mean nothing to anyone and im lying to myself if i think anyone will give a fuck when im dead.
Some people are lucky; Some people are not.
The more you learn about this world and society, the more you will realize that Life is random (chances), and yes, Life is not fair. Reality is depressing.
Most people who still always keep saying that “if you work hard, you will be successful!” are naive, ignorant, and simple-minded typical “optimistic/positive/happy-go-lucky” people you always see everywhere. And even for those people who realized it and therefore said that what’s important is to “work smart”, it also usually often means to be sly, cunning, opportunistic bastards who are too often selfish, pricks, ruthless, cold, heartless, and only care about certain shallow things like money, profits, power, position. And sadly often for the vain reasons.
There are often far too many challenges, obstacles, and also bad people who lurk just around the dark corners to eat you up, use you, trick you, manipulate you, etc etc you just name it. That’s why usually the truly good people, and the genuinely smart, wise, and idealistic, visionary type of people who have truly great and noble ideas for the progress of the world are often crushed, and losing out to the selfish, vain bastards and pricks of the world and society that I’ve just mentioned above. No wonder there are many stressful, sad, depressed, and suicidal people all around the world/planet.
This world is a shithole. Humanity is sadly not that great. Life is often disappointing. Society is sick. Existence is (mostly) just a meaningless, stupid, and pointless pain and sufferings until you die.
yes, this shit is a soul cancer, depression is even worse than body cancer, it kills your soul , and once ur soul is dead, u are dead even if ur body keeps moving. and thats where we start thinking of commiting suicide cuz thats the only option we see, we are dead, so we want to kill the only thing left which is the body.
that bing said , i hope i dont reach that stage , am getting worse evveryday but am trying to fight back even tho i lose most of my battles vs depression, anxiety, overthinking and negativity . i am having these shits since 2016. its been almost 4 years and i am dying slowly. I AM SLOWLY GIVING UP.
those motiviational videos in youtube, its all bulshits , yea full of shits , Fuk them and Fuk society.
i dunno if i am gonna make it out of this one day, Dont know, maybe… or maybe i will end up like other souls , killing that last thing alive.
I’m sorry if there is any North Koreans are reading this, but I think this is the best way to describe my life. 3 years ago, me and my family moved to New Zealand and since then I was severely abused. My parents won’t let me out of the house, and the only 2 places I could go is home and school. I have limited internet access so I’m writing this very quickly (before my parents found out). It got worse last September, when my parents slapped me in the face 4 times in a row because they forced me to do a LOT of homework. So after that I did the “right thing” and send my teacher a email. It “helped” someone went and see me and it’s all going well… until my parents found out. They force me to repeat the conversation and also FORCE me to lie to the counsellor that it was all a lie and I’m just attention seeking. After that my dad moved to another city and I lost some of my friends and even the teacher hates me because I’m “attention seeking”. Then it’s the school holidays which is basically one and a half month of quarantine. After that I moved to the city my dad lived in and I went to a new school were thing didn’t go well. I have friends but they have better friends. I hate myself, I joke about suicide and hope someone would take it seriously and just say “are you ok?” But no one did. I hate myself, I hate to be a “bad son”. I already tried to hang myself but the rope didn’t work:(. I just want to die.
oh and in case you are wondering, I’m 12 years old.
Ive been on this site a while reading everyone else’s thoughts, I would have said so much to all of you but I didn’t want to register.
I’ve been struggling with thoughts of suicide since I was 14, I am now about to turn 30 so it’s been more than half my life. I attempted at 16, as much as one can attempt to shoot oneself without pulling the trigger before getting caught. The good news is that the past 7 years were an easy fight, I felt purposeful and had a job I loved, but now that job feels like a cage and I have no direction in life and no motivation to try and find one.
I wrote my notes to my family and friends and I have what I need to end my pain, it feels just like pulling that trigger did 14 years ago and I’m struggling to find the courage to go through with it. Whomever said suicide is cowardly or easy was wrong. It is more difficult to leave everyone and everything than most can imagine.
I don’t want to keep going through this life, fighting to stay in my own mind and body. I’m trying to find the courage to leave but so far no luck.
I’m pretty sure I’m crazy, my inner voice is too loud, I can’t think or focus, and I have an endless sinking in my belly. I am also diagnosed with BPD and it is very confusing to be mostly feeling good one minute and want to die more than ever the next minute. I don’t know how to handle that.
I just told my two closest friends since I decided I couldn’t go through with it and needed help, while both were concerned I don’t think it helped me and now I just get the kicked puppy look if I’m not acting happy.
Yes I want help but I’m not sure what that looks like. I worry less about the cutting and more about the suicidal thoughts. I had the when, where, how, and I wrote my notes and everything but at the set time I just kept going because I can’t actually do it. I’m scared of failing, scared of succeeding and regretting it when it’s too late, I’m scared of getting help and I don’t want to keep going. Seriously, the cutting doesn’t even scratch the surface of my crazy right now. (Get it, ha ha)
And yes, serious conversations make me uncomfortable and so I usually make light of them and blow shit off and then regret it but I can’t help that. I’m afraid to go to a therapist or counselor because I don’t want to be put in the psych ward again on suicide watch (went there at 16). And what’s the point if you can be honest with them about your feelings?
I’m losing hope of getting over this and running out of ideas.
Once again I’m here to read ppl’s agony. It grounds me whenever I have suicidal thoughts. It’s tragic to know that people are there for you but eventually they’ll get tired of your shit and toxcitity then leave you knowing that it would make you misery. Makes me want to kill myself more. I know that I don’t have to depend on people and get their validation but it’s hard not to when you rlly love those ppl around you. I feel like a burden. Always have been. I blame myself for everything and for the existence I found no purpose and not thankful for. I wish I could give my span of life to someone in need or more deserving. It’s my 4th year of depression and can’t seem to imagine that this cycle would continue for far more years to come. Bullshit. I hope that the world would end soon so I wouldn’t have to kill myself as soon as possible. I hate pain. I was okay. But relapse is real.
Been feeling suicidal for the past few months.i have a long history of depression and anxiety. I truly just wish I could end my life. But there is no easy way. I am afraid. Not particularly of death. I feel like I have no control of my life. It just been dictated by those around me. It had made me sick and I just want to escape. I cant live with them anymore. I dont wanna be around them anymore. But I have no job, no social services. The last time i tried leaving. I was forced to go back
.no one understands. I want my freedom. I just want to be free. I just wish I had an opportunity , someone who will give me a chance
I am tired of the abuse, the control, the anger I feel . I just want to be free. When I die, I hope they will know that they are the ones that killed me.
theres so much i could say, but its all a waste of breath.
hi everyone! it’s been so long! things have changed…for a while, only for a while. I’ve never thought of this moment. i just want someone to talk to. if only there’s someone i could tell how i feel right now. they say I’m a strong woman. that i will never lose a fight. because I’m a competitive type of person. but the truth is…i am weak…I’ve given every bit of energy i have…and I’m tired.
little by little, I’m forgetting the reasons why i should be living. i felt alone, in this dark hole.