I met my abuser in the summer of 2019 (just before my sophomore year). He was attractive, charismatic, and played his way into my heart singing love songs on the guitar. The first month was perfect; cute coffee dates and late-night bonfires with our closest friends. That all ended very quickly. To put it simply..he was a depressed, bipolar, unpredictable 17-year-old with serious anger issues. He was violent, manipulative, and flat-out scary. At the time, I had never been in a serious relationship, and ignored just about every red flag in the book. The first time I tried to break up with him he held […]
i always feel overwhelmed by everything. i’m not doing enough, i’m failing, i’m falling behind, i’m hopelessly lost. i can’t do the things other people do. i can’t participate in life like a normal person. there’s something wrong with me. something missing. i’m tired of living this way. i’m tired of myself. i’m tired of life. i wish i had the strength to just end it. nobody needs me here. barely anyone will even notice i’m gone. idk where i’m going with this. i just want to not exist anymore.
That’s just what echoes in my head. People/parents/friends/former didn’t left and that was the saddest part . Remember the day when I used to have panic attack and my parents dragged me to get on my ass. My mom exactly knew when I would shout back and thanks her for conferencing with all my family members(uncle/aunt/grandmother) and just waiting for the moment to trigger me to shout back and say them to leave me alone. Nice team you got with all your saddist/narcissistic friends. Been a looser/pathetic. My soulmate left. Just murmers inside my head. I am left with no purpose atleast I want to […]
By: yours truly (a sick in the head teenager)
TW ig idk how to do this lol um sh suicidal thought and questioning everything and also SA
Why? A question I find myself asking quite often. What is the point in anything if its all nothing. In 150 years, everyone who is alive at this moment, will be dead. Including yours truly. Though it is up to us how we spend those years. A sad realization my 13 year old self has come to is, in lets say 500 years, no one will know of my existence and probably yours as well. Unless of course you […]
There is nothing here of value, but we know that’s what you intended. Nothing that you can give me, but: by everything did you try to convince me that I needed you. And you succeeded …somewhat. Can’t even say it was hard for you. The form that I come in makes it so easy for you to do what you want with me. The form that I come in makes it so impossible for me to do anything. So there you sit in your narcissistic glee raping me for all that you can get.
But YOU couldn’t get all what you wanted, I’m not […]
Almost 8 years of friendship brought to an possible end, by not being appreciated by the better half… Your focus seems to be on new demeaning acquaintances, some crush you won’t conquer and some heavy veil of depression. I understand, yes I do.
Do you know, what freedom feels like.? I know. I have tasted it’s beauty, while taking exactly 7 days of radio silence from you. It has not peaked, like it does, when we laugh together. However, it is constant. A constant in my life, is what I need the most. And it is not you.
It was supposed to be airplanes, to visit each […]
I’ve been feeling pretty shitty about myself lately since I feel ungrateful because I know I have a life that many others wish they had and yet I still want to kill myself. I’ve also been disgusted with myself since I feel so obnoxious, I’ve been telling myself I’m stressed when other people have it far worst and wanting things to be different when I have everything I need. On top of that I’ve been feeling guilty since everyone around me thinks I’m positive and confident when I’m really the opposite by not denying these things am I not lying not only to the world […]
The world tells us so many things, feeds us plenty of lies, and way too much bullshit.
I’m so sick of being sexualized for wearing a plain shirt with bra straps underneath. God forbid, I’m a woman, and GOD FORBID I wear a bra.
I’m tired of being catcalled on the sidewalk while walking home from the library by 30 year old white men yelling “nice tits” out the car window. I’m sixteen you creeps. Catcalling, is trying to humiliate you, reinforce their own dominance over you; it’s a way of trying to say, “hey, I’m able to tear you down and say what I want about […]
I hate everyone
I hate everything
Why am I called a coward for wanting to end my suffering?
Why does my pain not matter to anyone?
Why doesn’t anyone understand?
Why do I hate life so much?
Why does life hate me?
Why can’t I catch a fucking break?
What’s it gonna take?
Where’s God?
Why isn’t he helping?
Will they finally understand after I die?
Will God understand?
Is God real?
It’s like a stone in the pit of my stomach
I can’t get rid of it
The tears
The pain
The immense sadness that no one sees
FUCK
All i wanted […]
little carry on from my last post, i had a thought. i said in my last post i hate talking. conversations about meaningless bullshit are exactly that in my opinion, meaningless and bullshit. i was thinking if i knew any of you in real life i could finally talk to someone and not get those dumb pity eyes. i’d hopefully be understood. and hopefully you would too. i like deep chats, not really about feelings, because who knows how to comprehend and actually talk about those, i mean talking about biggest fears, dreams i’ll never live to see come true, conspiracy theories and all those […]
hating yourself comes in various shapes and sizes. for some people it’s just hating their acne. i envy those people. i wish i could only hate on my looks. not gonna lie, i’m a decent looking 17 year old girl. i get attention where it’s really not wanted but hey? men trying to grope you and ‘friends’ trying to take advantage of you while drunk is better than nothing right? but with me, i hate my mind. i’m sure a lot of you can relate to that. my mind is a mansion filled with hatred, hostility, venom and apathy. that’s probably where i differ from […]
not to sound like a broken record, but man have these past few weeks been hard. i don’t even know what to type, even though i know i want to get things off my chest; it’s annoying. finding things to keep my brain busy, or else i might just lose the small amount of sanity i have left. besides, classes start again next week. i don’t know what to think, or what i need or crave. actually, now that i’m actively trying to think, i don’t really feel anything; it’s a bit like being self aware while asleep. i feel scripted.
i’ve spent years building up walls so i wouldn’t be so fucking weak as i used to be. years convincing myself i don’t care about anything. and i really fucking didn’t. anyone could say anything to me and i wouldn’t bat an eyelash. until today. today my ex-bestfriend put me on the verge of a breakdown in front of loads of people. i’ve dealt with so much worse but idk why this time it make my walls come crashing down. fuck you. fuck you for making me realise just how weak i am. fuck you fuck you fuck you. now i remember exactly why i […]
i’m just so unbelievably tired in every sense of the word and i stupidly took a psychology course in college, last year it wasn’t so bad but this year i have to sit in a room with other people learning about issues in mental health. i had my first lesson today and oh my fucking god i felt like i couldn’t breathe the whole time i was on the verge of a break down, i can already tell this is going to be the most triggering year of my life. they all think i’m fucked in the head anyway, i mean you could take one […]
i have lost everything, no friends, no pation, no future, family don’t want me, i have no one to turn to, i don’t have place in the world, i just exist day by day with no aim just going around trying not to think that at all just trying to be numb, idk my self sometimes, idk what’s wrong with me, why am i here? [- __-]
https://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/Anthony-2-btr.m4a
The days are growing shorter. September is hours away, and this morning I wore a light jacket in the morning. I used to look forward to summers transition to fall, this year…well, it’s going to happen, so what’s it matter what I think? The state fair is in full swing, and living as close as I do to the fairgrounds, I can hear, off in the distance, the sounds of whatever band is playing tonight…you know the sound of a concert that’s already started as […]
Life has always felt overwhelming to me. I have on and off struggled with suicidal thoughts for about 15 years. Often I don’t have thoughts of suicide but just a strong feeling of wishing I was dead. That I didn’t have to deal with life anymore. That someone will hit me while I’m driving in my car or I’ll get sick. Life just seems so hard for me. It’s always been that way. On the outside I’m a high achiever but internally even the smallest things, just functioning as a “normal” adult, feel like so much work. I feel like the world we live in […]
Previously, I went to visit family in California for the summer. I was in a pretty bad place mentally, so I used the money I had saved up to go surfing all summer long.
And for the first time, in a long time, I was happy.
Not just happy on the waves, but at home too. It’s like the board was an extension of my body, and I was free to be me when I went out.
No homework, no stress, no group chats, no toxic friends, no mom, no dad, no yelling, no crying, just me, and the board.
Just me, surfing. […]
I was so angry.
no, that’s an understatement; I was livid.
The problem?
my mom said we were out of butter for the toast I was making.
I got so pissed because we ran out of butter. BUTTER. I don’t understand why the littlest and stupidest things are starting to set me off, but i’m worried i’m going to snap at the people I care about.
Why does this happen?
I just don’t get it.