I attempted suicide by sleeping pills a few years ago. I vomited them up, and remained sick for several days thereafter.
I hate the fact that I’m a suicide survivor. I wish it would have worked.
I attempted suicide by sleeping pills a few years ago. I vomited them up, and remained sick for several days thereafter.
I hate the fact that I’m a suicide survivor. I wish it would have worked.
For some reason I feel I have to constantly punish myself for every mistake I make but am so unrelentingly harsh on myself everyone notices it, and sometimes ask why? I’ve always felt like I’m a total waste of space and often look at people around my age, 39, or younger who are successful and feel really threatened… and I think, what’s wrong with me? I mean I’m not exactly uneducated, unintelligent or untalented yet I feel like I’m such an utter loser and total failure in life I wanna hide forever. That I’m a fucked up, no hoping basket case! I used to have a […]
Consistent with my usual run of luck, I was laying out my gas-bag stuff and dropped my regulator/flow gauge and snapped off and broke my flow gauge. Since you cannot do the job correctly without it, now I have to go out hunting for one on Saturday. More frigging expense out of money I don’t have.
If it was not for bad luck, I would have no luck at all. :)Â <deep breath>
DR
I have been irritated off and on like a bipolar fuck, no patience in the world mainly because my dad’s too much of a tight ass to let me spend one fucking day with my cousins because their mom is never home yet my other aunts and uncle live there too but no getting through that moron unless another adult tells him that. He told me he needed me to earn his trust again after one of my cousins snitched on me and Alex about smoking weed, apparently together yet we never did. I cant believe this shit. I am angry as fuck and just […]
Have not done it for years. Was chopping up some vegetables or my salsa and tried to toss the knife up in a spin and catch it. Needless to say it bit into my hand. But the pain felt good. And the temptation was there. Just like it was when I was younger. After the incidents… made me feel worthless. But the exact things are shadowed…. mental block. Probably for survival because it may make things worse if I recalled it. I know it was when I was a kid though.
The knife just sitting there. Gleaming carbon steel shining like Polaris. Sharp thin edge like […]
I will not kill myself! i will not take your crap . you will no longer play mind games with my emotion. i dont care that your my father you can go to hell and burn. To ever bully that ever teased me… FUCK YOU. You know what you guys are? pussies! spineless maggots that fed off my need to be like everyone else. One time i would have gave in and died. but now if i ever see you again DAD i will sock you in the teeth until someone bleeds. and it wont be me. To the man that raped me as a […]
so today was a long and bad day. started off a good day though. but i was arrested and charged with possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of weapon in school, possession of another students property (theft), and possession of lighters. this all happend in school. it sucked. i was in the deans office for like 4 hours. im gonna need to go to court, and i was suspended from school for ten days. might even get expelled. but i dont think i will. then i might need to go to rehab. so my life sucks even more now. i got a mugshot and finger printed too. […]
Not saying that some twisted situation will come along that prevents me from killing myself. But I’d have to be either severely crippled or under the influence of drugs and locked up. And if either of those two happen I’ll just hopefully die from the complications or my mind will be to blasted to worry.
But the fact that I have no fear of failing a suicide attempt again has made everything look different. Bills, work, day to day responsibilities I can really shuck off because they are not an issue. Nothing in life is an issue because I know there will be no future repercussions […]
Well here I am getting down to the last few days, and I still have a ton of things to take care of, like cleaning out my house and putting labels on everything that I leave behind. I am almost caught up on notes and messages to everyone plus writing instructions for my dead body.
In spite of it all, and everything I still have to do, I am spending way too much time in bed asleep. Is anyone else in the same boat as me? I wish that I could kick my own ass, but I keep promising myself I will do that tomorrow.
Bed and […]
So, I’ve posted some time ago on here. And in those – I think – two years, nothing has changed. I still find myself in the same mess, even weaker than before. I want to list everything that plagues me because I want someone to read my sob story. Because I am no good human and thus want to be pitied. Just for once, and for real.
I’d love to be free from the clutches of this fucking hell I live in. Compared to others, I live a nice life. Maybe.
My dad killed himself a good four years ago. I didn’t understand it back then, and […]
Is this how it feels to have a nervous break down? I can’t be having one right? I mean, can a person who is having a nervous breakdown just sit down and write? I don’t think that’s possible. Maybe… I don’t know. I got more questions than answers. It’s been like that for the past week. I don’t think I can handle going through the “withdrawals†again. No, I don’t do drugs and I don’t judge those who do. See, I have panic attacks and the really bad ones, I call “withdrawalsâ€. They sure as hell feel like it. I go a while without sleeping, […]
Farmerstrong13: are you a preacher? Are you an Evangelical born again Christian? It seems rather presumptuous to promise someone, that with God’s help things will get better or that God will even help them. The key to recovery and good mental health is not found in a church but in a persons’ ability to grasp reality and run with it, and even accept it. Reality is not in a church pew or in a preacher’s sermon. Most of the time people can find a way out of their distress by logic, good friends, a change of location and a different point of view…or even antidepressants.
You […]
My background:
I had started wondering about death and would habitually wish for death and say ‘never mind’ 3 times afterward. This started when I was around 10, until one day I stopped saying ‘never mind’ and decided to see what would happen.
My life has been met with intense anger, anger that caused me to once whip my mother with a PC controller wire after I smashed it off the banister when I was around 16.
I started cutting myself on Valentine’s Day 2007, senior year. I started under the notion that everyone would leave me once we graduated. They all did except one. My last friend […]
So, I’ve set the date on the 31st of January. I thought that it would give me ample time to do the things I still want to do like play, watch, eat, etc.  However, I ran into a little snag that surprised me. I’m running out of cash, and thus, I probably have a two or three days worth of takeout left. So annoying. Of course, I could always go out to the cash machine down the street, but get real. I’m a recluse who hasn’t set foot outside my flat for months. I haven’t even taken out five months worth of garbage, so you can […]
It`s 2:00 in the morning and I found this website by typing `my life is meaningless` in the google search engine. Maybe I should type a little about myself; I don`t know how this site works exactly. I`m going to turn 20 in the summer. I dropped out of university a little while ago, but that`s okay because there were so many things wrong with going in the first place. I went across the country a little while after that, worked a couple jobs and now here I am, back in my parents basement. I ticked the box `general`but maybe I`ll tick `rants` as well. […]
Okay, y’all, important safety tip. If the psychiatrist gives you a prescription for ant-depressants, you don’t let them write it with ZERO REFILLS. And certainly take some care to ensure you don’t run out of a Friday night so you have to wait FOUR DAYS for your pharmacist to get said psychiatrist’s approval.
I’m just sayin’. Seriously, I could actually hear my eyeballs moving. Do you know just how weird that is?!?
And certainly don’t make me wait two weeks to see my new therapist one-on-one. Insurance won’t cover another week of IOP? Put it on my tab, that’s what HSA is for.
Yeah. Not a good day. […]
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to die, but I feel that if I don’t get help soon, I think it might just happen.
I want to know what I should do. It’s almost midnight. Should I call 911? I just really don’t trust myself to be alone and so I need to know what I should do. I don’t have anyone that I’m willing to talk to, I just want to leave this place. I need to. I’m going to do something if I don’t and I really don’t want to die.
So, what do you think I should do?
Heaven and Hell exist, but only in yourself…
He is not the Devil
The Devil does not exist
He is the darkness that lives within all of us…
I don’t really know what to name this post. By the time I finish posting it’ll be past midnight. At night is when my mind is most active. I think about the same shit over and over and it continually replays in my head. I hate having memories. I have an excel one and I feel cursed by it. I just want to go back in time or start my life completely over. I’ve always felt this way. I can’t envision my future at all. It’s like it isn’t even there. I just wish I could get a break through. Just once i wish something […]
I’m starting to really think that it would just be so much better if I was gone. I don’t have anyone, really. I mean, I guess I might, but that’s not the point of anything. I don’t care that I have no friends. That has nothing to do with why I want to end my life. I don’t know what it is. I can’t seem to figure out what has caused all of this, it started a few years ago and I thought it had gone away. I did and I was happy. Actually god damn happy, or so I thought. But, now that I […]
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