Category:

Stories of Loss

For those who have passed on.

Someone help me please

by SamLight 4/29/2021

written by SamLight

I’ve fought so hard for this. My whole life, I’ve never been able to feel positive emotions . I can remember some memories from when I truly felt joy, when I used to hang out with some friends but nothing more than that. I’ve spent hours days trying to dig up some happy memories but nothing. I’m nothing more than an abused child, nothing more than my past. I wanna be able to feel something, anything. All I can think about nonstop is how to hurt myself. I’ve thought about burning myself to death, cutting a finger, breaking a leg. Some very violent ideas are […]

4/29/2021 6 comments

manic panic

by system 4/27/2021

written by system

ican hear him again. i can feel his hands. they’re cold. they’recoldthey’recold they’re so cold

i long for the euphoria of being loved by the person he pretended to be

being loved by the mask that he wore

but it was all fake

itwasalie itwasalie itwasalie

thecuts there were so many cuts there was so much blood

on my lips

on my face

on my thighs

i couldn’t stop bleeding it just kept flowing andflowingandflowing

andicried for him to make it stop

make it stop make it stop make it stop

but he just told me to smile

“please smile”

and i did.

he said i wasn’t bleeding enough so i dug deeper

and deeper

and deeperanddeeper

itwasn’tenou gh it will never be […]

4/27/2021 0 comment

they all leave

by system 4/26/2021

written by system

they say they love you and they leave

they say that you’re their entire world and they leave

they say that you are irreplaceable and then they leave

they say that they’ve never met anyone like you and then they leave

everybody leaves.

they always leave.

everything is fleeting.

4/26/2021 2 comments

it’s ok because he loves me

by system 4/16/2021

written by system

a phrase I would often say to myself

4/16/2021 3 comments

good for nothing

by system 4/7/2021

written by system

“please don’t confuse me wanting your body as the only reason I talk to you” – ******, my abuser.

the person who said that to me is the same person who forced me to dig a razor into my face. the same person who made me carve his name into my thigh.

i am nothing but my body and i have come to accept that.

i am good for nothing.

“i love you for more than just your body”

bullshit. BULLSHIT. ****** wasn’t the first to say that. he was one of many, i say many because ~8 years (excluding ******) worth of abusers isn’t something i can translate into a […]

4/7/2021 0 comment

recollection

by system 4/1/2021

written by system

i’m unable to remember much from those years.

those years.

those nine excruciatingly long years of abuse.

there’s no getting that time back.

that time is gone.

those years are gone. i will never be that young again.

i can’t recall a childhood when it never existed.

4/1/2021 1 comment

seldom

by system 3/31/2021

written by system

seldom do i ever have a moment where i am free from the pain, free from the trauma that plagues me relentlessly

seldom do i ever have a moment

where i don’t hear your fucking voice, ******. where i don’t feel empty. when i escaped from you, i forgot to bring my identity with me. i have no idea who i am. you managed to steal me away from myself before i had the chance to run.

you conditioned me to believe that you are the only one who could ever understand someone like me.

who could ever love someone like me.

you conditioned me into forfeiting my right to make […]

3/31/2021 3 comments

self-destructive

by system 3/28/2021

written by system

i continue to find myself in the same spot, trying to fight the impulse. the impulse to cut, to hit, to burn, to bruise- to destroy this vessel. this vessel that reminds me that i am nothing, that i will never amount to anything. i am useless. i am never the first choice. i am pitied. i am a puppet. i am alive so that my suffering may entertain those who induce it. i am worthless. i will never be worth anybody’s love. i will never be enough. i am nothing and i will always be nothing.

i am defined by my pain and i have […]

3/28/2021 4 comments

The Mystery Behind the Culprit

by Mauve 3/27/2021

written by Mauve

To The Person That I Mirrored Myself
Despite the fact that I am fully aware of what is going on in your life, your inspirational and motivational messages captivated me. I admire your ways of dealing with life because I don’t. Four years ago, I was in your shoes. I am a goal-oriented person who is concerned with the future and success. I was a “church girl” who read scriptures always and prayed three times a day, till […]

3/27/2021 5 comments

never & always

by system 3/22/2021

written by system

i have no energy. i have given up. i do not deserve to be loved. i will never be loved by someone. i will never be in a safe situation. i will never be cherished. i will never be happy. i will never be unbound. i will never be kept around. i will never be anyone’s first priority. i will always be abandoned. i will always be pitied. i will always be the last choice. i will always be in pain. i will always be a puppet. i will always be worthless.

3/22/2021 0 comment

trying to outrun a relapse

by system 3/21/2021

written by system

my day consists of getting stuck in flashbacks and losing track of time.

i am too exhausted to feel anything but misery and dread.

i want to tear open my flesh.

i want to see my own blood.

i want to destroy the place on me that he forced me to carve so that his name is no longer visible.

i want to feel that piece of me torn away.

i want to feel that freedom.

3/21/2021 5 comments

loss (rest easy, jack)

by system 3/20/2021

written by system

this morning, i was informed that an old acquaintance from middle school was found unresponsive. unresponsive as in lifeless. dead. to me, that sounds like an OD (purposeful or not, i’m not sure). i hadn’t spoken to him since 2018, because he graduated junior high and i was still a grade behind him. it’s a really horrible feeling? being eaten away by shock but being physically unable to cry. i wasn’t extremely close to him, i didn’t have his phone number or anything like that, but it still hurts. he always wanted to make people laugh, a class clown by choice. i’m struggling to register […]

3/20/2021 2 comments

recalling torture

by system 3/19/2021

written by system

the way my blood ran cold every time you threatened me

the way that the blade felt as i dug it into my flesh to form the letters of your name

the way the candle wax burned as it hit my skin

the way that the acidic feeling in my throat would linger when you made me film myself purging

the way i would try to speak clearly between sobs in those videos you forced me to make, the ones where i apologized to you

the way you talked me out of taking my life in front of you, not out of love, but out of your desire to keep […]

3/19/2021 4 comments

tactile hallucinations

by system 3/14/2021

written by system

don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t touch me

i can feel his hands around my neck he won’t let go he won’t let go he won’t let go

****** im sorry im sorry im sorry

he’s not really here but i can still feel everything

he was never here

******, how have you found me? how do you continue to torment me? i haven’t spoken to you since late september

i will never be able to forget the feeling of a razor being dragged down my face

over. and over. and over.

it still burns.

3/14/2021 1 comment

“you will learn to love me”

by system 3/13/2021

written by system

you said to me that i’d learn to love you

and i did.

but, no matter how hard i try

i can’t seem to un-learn.

3/13/2021 6 comments

Why am I alive?

by Die555 3/13/2021

written by Die555

Hello, so let’s just start this off with a “I should be dead right now” I have no idea why I’m still alive. My girlfriends in the past have cheated on me and my girlfriend now likes someone else and hates me. My family told me to kill myself many times in the past and doesn’t care about me. I’m alone and by myself. I’ve tried many MANY times in the past and failed. Every. Single. Time. The closest I’ve ever come to death is a car accident in 2017 and I was in a 8 month coma. God only KNOWS how I came out […]

3/13/2021 2 comments

internal conflict

by system 3/12/2021

written by system

****** im so sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry. im sorry for ******* *** **. please don’t get **** ** ******. i broke my promise to ******* ***. i couldn’t ******* **** either. im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry

why am i sorry

why am i apologizing

to the person who destroyed me

what the fuck is wrong with me?

you did unspeakable things to me. things i will never be able to forget or erase from this body. i still have the scars, your name included. i still have the wax burns.

i love you but i fucking hate your guts. you’ve taken everything from me yet […]

3/12/2021 2 comments

flashbacks

by system 3/11/2021

written by system

ifuckign hate flashbacks i can feel everythign

he’s in my head he won’t leave he won’t leave he won’t leave

i can hear him yelling at me like he used to

i can see him smiling when I cry

****** please get out of my head please please please go away

i can’t stop crying im so scared

i don’tlike crying because he loved it when icried

but the tears won’t stop falling and i can feel the hallucinations starting to creep up […]

3/11/2021 14 comments

property

by system 3/7/2021

written by system

there is a song that i would listen to back when i was still being abused in august. it’s your dog by Soccer Mommy. most of the time i’d just sit on the floor and sob while it played on repeat in the background. i still listen to it, it’s a great song and i love it, it’s just really difficult to listen to because of the content of the song itself and the time period i associate it with.

here are the lyrics:

I don’t wanna be your fucking dog
That you drag around
A collar on my neck tied to a pole
Leave me in […]

3/7/2021 2 comments

feeling things that aren’t really there

by system 3/6/2021

written by system

it doesn’t get any less unsettling. it’s just as disturbing as the first time i experienced it.

hands. hands that aren’t there. gripping my neck, my shoulders, my face.

the feeling of someone standing directly behind me. i feel their breath on the back of my neck. i can feel their eyes on me, an unforgiving gaze.

but there’s nobody there. nobody is ever there.

sometimes, things he said replay faintly. but there is no noise. the room is quiet. i am alone.

but he’s still here, watching me. suffocating me. controlling me.

he still, in some way, has managed to lay his hands on me. he never did, he was […]

3/6/2021 3 comments

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