My birthday is coming up soon. I’ll be seventeen, but I don’t feel excited like I’m supposed to. I honestly don’t feel much at all. My big brother left recently for the military, We don’t have family here except my cousins who, mind you, aren’t blood related. I love them, but it’s not the same.

It’s just me and my parents.
I don’t mind really, but at the same time, I feel jealous when I see the kids who get to go out, or throw big parties, or do things without a care in the world.
My best friend tells me about […]

Yet another NYE spent chronically mentally ill and unstable, friendless, hopeless, angry, self loathing, and suicidal. And I don’t care anymore, I just want to fucking die.

I thought telling myself im getting better
Telling you im getting better
Will actually make me feel better
But its not
Its just makes me feel lonelier more than before
Trapped in my box of lie coating with happiness
Im so sorry i choose to left this way
But even if i ask and scream for help
You wont help me
You wont be here
Only my smile and cheerful side makes you happy
Makes you closer
Guess everyone loves the sunshine
But forget about the rain in the same sky

Will I keep on returning to this dark room life after life?

That’s what everyone tells you when you complain about someone else doing something that inconveniences you. They excuse the fact that everyone is a selfish arsehole with a point being that everyone ELSE in the world is also a selfish arsehole. but it sort of makes sense. The problem is, people are grown up being told these things, and more and more people on the other side of the story are getting away with doing utterly horrible things without feeling much remorse, because after all ‘it’s the way of the world’. BULLSHIT. The world wouldn’t be such a grim place if people had a bit […]

I’m pretty fucking crossfaded right now. I have the shrooms, the bud, and the alcohol hitting right now. Damn am I loose. I was just thinking about what a fucking boring life I have lived. Like Childhood was 9/10. Man do I miss those days it was fucking great. Then teenage years could have been awesome but fucking depression hit like some revenge fueled enemy. And the last 8 years of my life have been fucking boring and pitiful. Literally years of self pity and hatred. And then what now I get a glimpse of what life could be and I just regret everything I […]

I’m too overwhelmed with my thoughts and I can’t sleep but I’m so fucking tired. I don’t want to live this life anymore and I really shouldn’t. I’m selfish and try to give myself slack I know I don’t deserve because I’m vile and a fucking failure and disappointment. I don’t deserve love or any kindness and I know that deep down and I know that. I know I should kill myself. I probably make everyone I love want to kill themselves too. I shouldn’t exist. I’m convinced there was some error in making me exist. I’m so awful. I’m this waste of space that […]

last session with that therapist….. I probably shone on a bit more that I was getting better…. which I doubt.

Two weeks now I’ve been trying to find the energy to do the last task on my to do list to get into grad school…. and it just isn’t coming.

I don’t have enough positive anticipation. I’m worried that even if I do get every document in…. they’ll say no anyway. That’s par for the course in my life; I do what is required of me….. still doesn’t amount to anything.

And my parents seem really optimistic about this thing….. maybe they’re just trying to cheer me up […]

I’m sitting in class right now, it’s online and I can’t focus. I’ve been trying to motivate myself for a week now, tried reading biographies, music, watching motivational movies but I move back into the same rut, I’ve even tried meditation. Nothing helps anymore, nothing takes me out of this routine. I’m a senior in school, I need to ace a bunch of exams in a few months to get into a good college but I’m way behind on my studies.
I know that I have to sit down and get cracking and to not look at the huge pile of books I have […]

There are so many things i should prepare for my mom, dad, sis, best friends, friends, and enemy.
But do i really need to do all of that?
Im afraid they will be sad cause im gone
But will my letter and gifts makes them understand what ive been thru or makes them less sad?

Should i jump from a building?
Should i drink the mix of drugs?
Should i cut my neck/wrist?

Im so afraid to live yet im afraid to hurt them too
At the same time
Im happy cause there will be someone crying in my funeral and to leave this painful feeling

Ive been […]

this was a draft i wrote when i first joined and didnt post. I think it’s still true now. Everyone is feeling much more distant though. It’s my own fault.

I love you, some days
Some days I wake up so full of love but just as dysfunctional.

I want to tell everyone I let persuade might actually like me that I love them and to thank them for being there for me all these years through my computer screen. I love them so much. Thank you for being here. I don’t deserve it but thank you.

On these days I feel like I could almost do anything […]

I hope that if my family/loved ones ever see this account or posts etc that they know they had nothing to do with the bad of how i feel. I’m sorry I can’t love them enough to like latch onto their feelings for my reason to try some more.

Today has been a very emotionally taxing today .Laughing with them too the edge off for a while x

Dear loved ones  y’all have been awesome and done all you could ,this is all on me. I hope ill get to meet yoy again in better condition ! x you really are special x

I’m still here, after many days and nights of just wanting to end it. I don’t ever try, but the thoughts are so overwhelming. I’m trying to hold on, giving myself things to distract myself from it all: YouTube, music, my art, and now my switch that I got for Christmas. I have 2 games with it, and I’ve almost completed one already. It’s very nostalgic for me and it makes me happy too. It’s a really nice way to escape, like I used to do when I was little all the time. I have music or videos in the background all the time to […]

I’m back in a place where I was very unhappy, and my mind is attacking me with a vengeance. It’s been quiet for so long that I can’t stand it this time. I want to stop being this ill. Fuck.

I’ll try and be honest with the people in my life. I’ll try and be honest with myself, and think more complete, coherent thoughts. My mind isn’t working as I’d like it to. I’ve been sober a while but it’s not clear in the least. I want a solution to my illness. I wish I could go back and take the change slow, and watch my […]

I don’t want to be here anymore. My reality is broken.

I had a cartoon I watched with an uncle who any time someone was trying to wrap up a conversation with him would say, “One more thing.”, so sometimes I do that, not that I’ve ever mentioned it directly to anyone.

Anyway, my one more thing is about the trap that is recovery. This is the most subversive thing I’ve ever thought of, and I sincerely want to be wrong. The idea is this; capitalism commoditizes our trauma by pressuring us to heal and then monetizing the resultant creativity. Essentially, the entirety of the creative world has become a massive skinner engine of causing pain and […]

Tomorrow is my last therapy appointment with this therapist, so there won’t be time to process this, and I need to.

Last night I had a dream that I was working as a teacher’s assistant in my old elementary school. I’m no Freudian, but it’s where the dream went next that really made it stick. I was trying to find my way back to my car, and I ended up in the middle school I went to, a separate entire building, and they were renovating it. Some sort of school official came by by they wouldn’t help me get out, we ended up walking around bits […]

Okay so here me out. A cat. Thats it . I love cats. Ive never been able to have one due to space issues so the reality may be a while off .And im not saying a cats a cure . But yk id love to adopt an older one and just chill .  Although, I wouldnt want to make another creatures life miserable so i guess im asking if yall think its a good idea ?

Hey. I used to frequently post here throughout 2015-16, though I joined around 10 years ago. Is anyone still around from those years?

I’m still suicidal, hence being here once again lol. My mental health is declining and for the last 3 years (since the start of covid) it’s been affecting my physical health too. I’m currently getting migraines (ocular migraines) that I know are caused by my fucked up brain.

I had one relationship in my life. I did not like it. It lasted for about 1 year 2 months. It felt, boring? I don’t understand the point of a relationship. I get it cognitively, but emotionally is strange. Someone either hasn’t been through enough for me to connect with them, or whenever they have, the relationship usually is pretty bad, we both struggle with boundaries, or another one of the many potential issues. Maybe two mentally unstable people shouldn’t be together. But I mean like come on, it works so well for like one week.

Relationships for most people serve 2 main purposes in my […]