i’ve decided that it’s finally my time. i don’t have a perfect plan but writing the letters has helped me finalize my decision. i can’t feel like this anymore. what is the point of trying when all i’m ever gonna feel is never ending sadness.
It’s my birthday Sunday. I feel nothing about it. Maybe just shame that I’m getting to be this old but still haven’t managed to really grow up. Haven’t managed to accomplish anything. Yesterday I had a meeting with the fellowship organizers about the internship they are offering this summer. I’m scared as fuck about this internship. I don’t think I could do it. That I would just be a waste of an employee. That I wouldn’t be able to complete a project. Then I think about all the times I ran away from responsibility. Senior […]
Living with BPD sucks donkeyb@lls. I was doing okay, somewhat good even. I worked hard on this. Worked hard on healing. Then I have a problem that I go deeply into with my friend and I point out, that she’s just shrugging it off. How maddening, like I don’t have enough problems. Then she’s trying to pull focus on herself “Why do you always assume this and that about me”. Excuse me.?! I’m dying inside and she’s pretending that it’s okay to be a half-assed friend at this moment. Then she makes up a reason to get out of the conversation. If she doesn’t come […]
I just wanna enjoy the things I like, no shame this time.
For you that had hold on to me for so long. That had promised me so many nice things. I’m sorry and I apologise for this abrupt ending but I’m done with life. It had been a good run. A decent run even, maybe. I lived long enough.
I may had things I haven’t achieved but that’s okay. I’ve settled for this current existence to end on this note. I have so many love for you but that couldn’t save me from my predicament. I could feel myself deteriorating even now so before I do, I love you. I love you so much.
I’m sorry you […]
Tonight is so bad. The presence of the two worst people I know made me feel a bit ill. I am sick of feeling this discomfort in my chest from my ill feelings knowing that there’s nothing wrong with me.
Life has so many things to look forward to, yes.
But people fail to acknowledge that some problems are not temporary. Some things inescapable. I sometimes don’t care that I’ll never be happy again if I die, at least I won’t feel pain at all anymore. It hurts too much that it’s not worth it.
There’s so many things to look forward to but I […]
I’m an older adult, nearly 58 but have suffered from major depression and PTSD all my adult life. Sadly, it has worsened with age. I’ve been divorced for over 30 years and have no kids. My only immediate family in my state is my frail 82 year old mother. I have a few friends, but most of them live far away. I was forced to take an early medical retirement due to my illness. My pets are my primary companions and I’ve struggled a lot with increasing lonliness. In June of this year things reached a breaking point when I took a full bottle of […]
I can’t keep doing this. I don’t want to do this anymore, and I can’t. God please kill me. I’m miserable and everything hurts. I wanna fucking go home. God forbid I stay home ONE day and get a FUCKING BREAK. I feel like everything all at once is hitting my brain and its collapsing. It never ends. It never ever ends. Neverending pain. Too weak to live and too weak to die. This parasite I’ve become, this hideous thing. Please fucking kill me now.
So I did something that should have been the end but I woke up 2 hours or so later with horrible chest pain but I am alive. I almost wonder if I am a ghost because I should not be here. It is a strange feeling. Now all I think about is I don’t want to ruin Christmas for the kids by leaving right now but really when is a good time?? Also, it’s the struggle of thinking I don’t want the kids to not think I loved them enough but at the same time, I don’t benefit their lives.
My mom gave me up at […]
It had been such a good day. For once, it was good.
He and I were texting like we do every day, and then it all came to a screeching halt the minute he told me how some random girl, “about early 20’s” came up to him, said something about how she needed to get rid of the flowers she was holding, gave them to him and left. And he was in awe.
It was all he could talk about, was a stupid girl and her flowers. (Emphasis on the stupid part.)
He texted me, telling me all about it. How she just got in […]
i don’t want to feel anymore.
I take a sick kind of glee tracking down those with poor suicide education and educating them. Human curiosity is insufferable, so I see many of the new initiates post; “When you are depressed, is that like being really really sad?”
and it’s stupid. Yeah, depression is kind of an enduring sadness. But that’s so obvious, we’ve talked about it ad nauseum.
On the other hand, maybe it’s insightful. I feel like the main character in the Russian folktale the boy who left home to learn about the shivers.
In the story the hero is introduced as someone who asks constant questions, which gets on his family’s nerves […]
I’m so tired, I feel like there’s not even a point. I feel empty, and really fucking sad. Today wasnt even that bad. Our church had a xmas play and my sister did well, we had food afterwards. I ate too much. feel shitty for it still, but it is what it is. I feel like I got no break at all when we came home tho because my sister never gave me a break. I wish I had a fucking door to my room. But nobody gives a shit enough to do anything about it. I guess I deserve it somehow or another. Tomorrow […]
I’ve never been good at expressing my emotions. Whether I laugh it off, or say I’m okay, or avoid it like the plague, I know I’m not. It’s funny, (you can laugh) because some people might say that makes me a pathological liar.
However, sharing this with complete honesty and no take backsies, I hate the idea of being vulnerable. I hate talking about my issues. I hate that I hide it so well, everyone is either too stupid to believe it or too insignificant in my life to care.
What I hate even more though, is feeling like a burden to someone. Shocker […]
Living is always ‘the only right thing to do’ as if death is not a valid ending too. Moat people don’t even know their time has come until it did then what’s the big problem about taking my life? It’s not like by being alive I’m doing anything worthwhile or changing anything. The bad people still wins, the good people still gets themselves compromised. It’s almost like there’s no point to living.
Sure it will cut off every chance to other form of happiness as well but eventually the nothingness would be preferable than experiencing and seeing pain knowing there’s nothing you could do about […]
i’m 13
kinda young, for a suicidal person ig
anywho
most days, i regret putting myself (or not) out there.
and every now and then, i think- i wish i could go back and start over.
and then i think about the 4 most important people in the world to me
then i get so sad
cause i think about life without them, worthless
but i’m worthless
i don’t want a do-over, but i can’t change who i am
would they care if i killed myself?
my siblings always tell me that no one cares about me, yet why have my […]
As I’m writing this I don’t want any consolation from anybody. I know that I’m a terrible and worthless person perhaps all I want is for somebody, anybody just anyone to read this. I’m 16 year old. I live with my parents. I think about suicide everyday. I feel like the most worthless piece of junk on this earth, ive never heard my parents being happy about anything since I was like 11. I feel very alone as well, I don’t have any friends in real life and although I do have online friends I don’t feel comfortable enough to talk to them about my […]
Fear has been the defining experience of my life. Mostly fear of other people. Of what they’ll think of me. Because if they judge me negatively, who knows what they’ll do…
Maybe they’ll hit me, kick me, spit on me. Less likely, now I’m old. Maybe they’ll insult me. And I’ll take it to heart, because I hate myself. Maybe they’ll isolate, avoid, or reject me. And I’ll feel despair, because I know I’m not worthy of love or friendship.
I fear being seen, being accurately perceived. Because there’s such rottenness in me now. No one could see what goes through my head and not feel disgust.
I […]
There comes a phase in our life where neither we can hold feelings nor let them go. We hopelessly love them without any conditions and even knowing they won’t love us back, we still love them holding all the broken pieces of our hearts….. but that doesn’t prove we are weak. Trust that phase …. it will make you stronger.