I’m pretty sure I’ll never have the balls to end me, even though I wish I did. I don’t see a way out. Life is just constant disappointment and suffering, and the main problem is that I’m a disappointment and an overall waste of oxygen. I can’t even remember the last time I had been happy, and I don’t see any chance to be going on; I only wake up in the morning to go to work, since it’s the only thing I don’t completely suck at, then I get home and stare at the ceiling. I just wish I had the courage to end […]
I wrote the second half of this text a couple of months ago but I had a similar thought again so I thought I should expand on it.
I had the realization, that I don’t see myself as a real person. Everyone else seems to take the fact that they are real for granted – not me. It’s not a philosophical thing, it’s really just the way I feel. I imagined being torn inside out about 20 minutes ago, it was a nice thought. I can imagine the burning sensations when my raw insides get exposed to the outside world. I can see my ribs bending […]
I got a rash all over my body. My lips are swollen and they said I have lesions in my throat. My gums are sensitive and my eyes are red. Even when I’m not in a manic state, my BP is ruining my life. I feel nothing but pain all over. Horrible throbbing itching. It hurts so bad. I hate this. I hate this so much. It’s not fair. I didn’t ask for this. I never wanted this, but it ruined my life anyways.
I’m sorry dad, I know you want me to try and fight my charges in court but I just won’t. I know you still haven’t given up on me even after all the shame I’ve brought to you and my brothers. I simply feel too tired to live right now. Things are only gonna get worse for me from here even if I do fight my case. It makes no difference to me whether it’s 6 months or 2 years, I just want the world to stop for a while. I’ve been falling behind for years now and FEAR has been the common denominator in […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Sometimes I feel as if the ground beneath my tired feet is getting thinner and thinner with each passing day. And for some very odd reason I’m grateful about it, one day, maybe one day, it’ll crush with force of my feet, disintegrate into pieces and chunks as if once it was never there, and it’ll swallow my entire being in it – then I would be freed, of this invisible cage which always kept me hostage. Would I be happy then? Well, I’m not sure.
Happiness – it has always been a fickle thing to me – for most people, they find it in the […]
It’s like I’m experiencing a new one everyday. First it was muscle pains around my neck. Then the next day I woke up hot and with a headache. Now I woke up with a rash all over me. This is hell. It’s bad enough that I’m feeling down about this whole masters thing, but now my body is working against me too? Really. This hurts like a mother fucker. Everything is working against me. My illness, my medication, my mind. It’s like the world wants me to fail. Yet I’m still going today. […]
They want us to perform, but what if we can’t do that.? So many unsolved problems in life at once, so where does one start.? Always remaining selfish, due to being a neverending untangling mess of ourselves. Being sick but not quite enough, what’s that even.? Socializing seemed like a good idea, until facing a try and error. Regretting things I’ve said, hell, even the way I said them. I used to rest easy, now there seems to be a problem. The body aches for good reason. My mind’s like a winning race horse, it’s so draining. My hair is blue again but this time […]
There’s a small valley a couple of hundred miles away, where most of my happy memories are based. It’s surrounded by forest on all sides, with a stream running through the middle. It’s nothing too breath-taking. The village is pretty run down and shabby, and the only things there are a retirement home and a dilapidated old church. A lot of the forest is relatively newly planted, so it’s not that pretty. But it’s special to me. It’s where my mind returns to. The valley is high up in the hills above the flood plain of a river, and from the highest point you can […]
lonely, i’ve been. no matter how much i say that, it still doesn’t change. i’m stuck in this pit.
my own little world has been harder and harder to focus on, a place where i’m not that lonely.. but this one album(s) makes me carry on. it’s called The Metal Opera by Tobias Sammet’s Avantasia.
i found it simply on a whim, i started with one song called The Seven Angels.. and ever since i’ve been hooked.
I bought the gold edition CD, and reading though the whole lore makes me feel more connected to the characters, the world. i love everything about this album and i can’t […]
I can’t- I just cant do it anymore.
I’m going to kill myself. I dont even care. This shit never fucking ends. No one around me gives a shit.
The people who know don’t even take it seriously. They dont care. I understand that their shit is worse and that I’m just a piece of shit who can’t handle anything. I bet all they think I do is b!tch and b!tch and b!tch and b!tch even when I never talk about it anymore.
It doesnt matter anymore because I dont care. I’m sure in some way or another I’m a selfish asshole who’s ungrateful and just a stupid […]
I’m so in love with this girl that I cry and feel nauseous every day, clearly I am lovesick. Everyone supports me. I have removed all of the negativity that was in my life before and I am able to communicate properly with everyone around me. So now I am the only problem left. And I know just the solution to that hahahahahha. I know they care about me, they just dont know how happy they would be if I was gone really, how much of a positive impact it would make when I’m gone, it would be a relief for everybody! I’m clearly not […]
I had this dream last night, and for reasons that will become obvious I can’t talk to my wife or any of her friends about it. I’m a week out from my next therapy appointment, so chances are something more pressing will come up between now and then. It’s just something I need to process, whether or not that will help remaining unsure.
I almost never talk about it, but once I was crazy about a girl who didn’t even know I existed. She was part of my extended social circle and there was just something about her, it took my breath away to look at […]
Compared to movies, video games, novels, comics, anime/manga, fictions, fantasy, sci-fi (science fictions), music, basically human’s imaginations.
I can feel this fog on me again. My father has finally left. My parents were adamant in following me to Massachusetts until I hit baseline. I had to convince me new psychiatrist to tell them they can leave now. Now that I’m alone, I can feel it. That brokenness that I felt back home. Back in my old apartments. When I would lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. I can feel it now. That sense of dread. The sense that I’m several layers out of my depth. The alarm bells ringing […]
Living without motivation is pretty miserable. Each day I wake up feeling tired, even if I’ve slept the night before. I get maybe 1-2 hours of having enough energy to function during the day, the rest of the time I’m just drifting through, putting off anything that takes effort. Every day is the same. Nothing ever gets better, it only slowly gets worse. I suppose that by definition this is depression – I have very little internal drive or pressure to get things done. I am literally de-pressed. There’s not enough inside my mind to force myself to function.
There’s so much that I need to […]
I flamed out of child welfare, as in it very nearly broke me sufficiently that I couldn’t get better…. and I thought that would be that, I’d move on with whatever was left of my life. I didn’t want to get back up, and so far the experience has been everything I worried it would be, namely painful. I’m still grasping at straws financially, it appears being paid a living wage just isn’t done in this culture…..
and suddenly I realize that where I am now is worse than child welfare. Not emotionally, but financially. I thought that was draining me dry, but this…. it’s just […]
I’ve tried every drug the doctors could give me, I’ve tried every bit of help i could find, i’ve tried every doctor
None of them seem to care. None of them seem to understand that what I lost I can’t get back. I went from someone extremely levelheaded to someone always on edge and paranoid. I went from someone who was always extremely tired to someone always on edge.
I’m done.
This will probably be my first and my last post here.
Gonna go out as comfy as possible. I found a way that seems relatively painless and goes out euphorically.
I’ve struggled with this stuff my entire life but […]
I’m so bitter about my failed friendship. I thought I was doing it right. She called me her best friend. We used to text each other nearly every day. I even took her to homecoming. Then she just stopped talking to me and started hanging out with other people. I know I shouldn’t be so worked up about this since I still have one friend (for now) but I am. Maybe it’s because I’ve never really had friends, maybe it’s because I’m a retarded fag, maybe I’m just crazy. I think about her all the fucking time. Sometimes I want to kill her wish […]
(this is literally just a huge vent) i’m 14 and in 9th grade, i’ve been struggling with mental health since i was in 4th grade, i was abused physically and verbally in my childhood, everything had been shitty in my life really. in 3rd grade started watching what i ate, this didn’t last long but then once i was in 6th grade it came back, i’ve had an eating disorder ever since then and i’ve never weighed over 100 pounds, ever since i was a kid i was told how skinny i was and was constantly complimented about it, i feel like my body is […]