I know no other word for it, because I am dancing with destruction, without doubt. Yesterday I reached a point I walked off the job, and I wanted very much to keep walking to something else, nearly anything else. Then my wife cried, and so now that escape route is cut off. It’s melt before fail. Let’s talk about melt before fail, because it was an actual engineering principle once upon a time. The idea was that a computer, rather than shutting down when reaching a critical malfunction, would instead keep running. Even if it caught fire, or melted the contacts.

There’s something undeniably macho about […]

starting today, my mom is taking off to meet with my step brother, which means i’m left alone at the house with my abusive brother

ive been feeling rather dazed, nothing has happened yet, but im still anxious to be alone with him. i hope these days pass quickly, and he doesn’t try anything. maybe i’m just overthinking things and he won’t try anything, but i still feel uneasy..

as a result, i do not plan to go out of my room at all. i’ve brought some snacks for my room with my mom and i filled a gallon jug of water. my bathroom is very close […]

I am a bad person. By which I mean that I want to do bad things. Really bad, fucked up stuff. And I’m pretty sure I’m not going to do those things. But the wanting, it hurts, constantly. My motivations, who I am on a very core level, are broken. The things that feel most meaningful to me are wrong. And I don’t think that’s something I can change. I can change my actions, and to some extent I have, but I can’t change what I want. I can’t change what feels meaningful to me. And that hurts, and it makes me want to not […]

I’ll admit that my loitering on suicide sites and methods takes an upward trend, whenever I’m searching for a Job. Sitting in the same room with the same videos on repeat every day does eventually get to a person…hence my trudging through a gauntlet of pre-judgemntal demands lists made by biological robots with fake personalities.

I most certainly am not the first person with a degree, and quite frankly a plethora of both computer and practical skills to be groveling on minimum wage. There’s people with thrice my skills earning half of what is termed a living wage, everywhere, in every population control pen […]

Aside from Dracula, I don’t believe any human being ever came back from the dead, so, how could any of us really guarantee what happens after death?

Could it possibly be total nothingness? Yeah sure. Could reincarnation be a real thing? Maybe. Live, die, repeat. Some would actually hope so. But could it not also somehow, in some way, for whatever reason, be a permanently dark, scary, and never-ending experience of horrifying suffering and terror?

Who could possibly guarantee what really happens after death?

We could logically assume & conclude stuff, but we can’t ever know until we’re really there.

I think to myself: When contemplating suicide, do we […]

no one knows

(very very shortened version )
i was 12. He was mush older. He was anonymous. I had issues with my parents with friends all i wanted all i craved was validation. he was there. I was on a chatting site per my (ex)friends recommendation.i got wat i craved and he got so much more. he wanted to play “truth or dare” he purswaded me to do things to myself…I thought about it for a year)i still think about it wveyrday) crying every day. I still cry everyday and its been 3 tears im 15 and im donw with it all. I could get help since […]

I had been clean for 3 years… then for about 3 months.

and i am self-harming again.

i am high, sad, frustrated, and just overwhelmed with other mixed emotions.

i just need to share my story with someone who doesn’t know who i am.

here’s my story;

When I was 12, my mother abandoned my family and I. My parents had complications in their relationship that just cannot be fixed. Instead of a divorce, my mother chose to run away from the problem. My family and I all handled the situation in our own ways. I sought attention and praise, I lacked that and that was all I ever wanted. […]

Today I got up and decided that certain specific challenges needed defeating. That’s more agency than I get most of the time, I picked what I fought, because I knew I could win. Then it gave up with very little fight at all, and I’m left frustrated; why is everything else so hard?

when I can see a problem in front of me, marshal resources to attack it, and set my mind to overcoming it, I do, it’s what I’m good at. These other enemies though, not so easy, I can’t point to them, or mount resources to remove them. If only I could.

The problem is […]

I saw him again for the first time in 5 years.

he is absolutely beautiful, tall, and very loving.

i miss sleeping in his bed, i miss having his arms wrapped around me, i miss his bright blue eyes staring into my dark brown eyes, i miss his kisses, i miss his big long nose hitting my nose whenever we kiss, the late conversations before bed, our laughs and giggles, i miss his warmth.

i think he knows i’m still in love with him

i hope he knows

i don’t think he feels the same and i’m trying to be okay with that but, i’m really selfish.

i want to be […]

I had to say goodbye to my cherished companion, my dog, yesterday. I’ve said goodbye to 10 dogs and 6 rabbits. How do I have that power to say it’s over and the drugs are administered and their suffering is over yet I don’t have that for me? Every time the vet appears with the injections why can’t they do the pet first and then me? My suffering is just as intense and arguably much longer.

Sometimes I dream and I dream and I dream and I dream and I dream we’re going to that next world together. But no I’m “ill” for wanting […]

I had the kernel of this thought a decade ago, way back when I was an optimistic undergrad, and funny enough I believe at its core there’s still something pretty on the ball about it. If anything, life experiences and the way things have moved in the/my world have reinforced the idea that there’s something to it.

We’re all born into a somewhat unique set of conditions. Some are very unique to our own life, some are shared with a larger group, like a family, neighbourhood, country, whatever. For any one of us, we grow up experiencing our life as it is, with nothing beyond that […]

I don’t even know what to say. I feel like I’m already dead. I have no desire to live any more. I have no motivation to do anything. I want to be anything other than alive; anywhere other than here. I hate myself. I hate my life. Even my kids aren’t enough to keep me motivated any longer. I feel like I’m just barely holding on. I was sober for nearly eight years before I drank again and now I can’t even put together a week without drinking–I’ve a glass of crushed ice in the kitchen awaiting a heavy pour of bourbon from the bottle […]

Did you ever had someone tell you, that by thinking positive, you’ll also attract such.? I keep trying to tell people, that it is the complete opposite for me. When I have a VERY RARE happy day, where I’m not in a lot of pain and my mind is light, some time later something absolutely terrible will happen to me. Like oh: Here is a letter for your debts or “Yeah your friend is kinda in the hospital” or something breaks or someone around you is having a crisis.

When I have my mellow depressing life, things are mediocre bad. Only small things suddenly frustrate me, […]

Last night I slept in bushland behind an oil refinery. Boy was it cold, I woke up in the middle of the night because of it.

I’m waiting to see if the job I had an interview for the previous day will call me this week. Not expecting but it’ll be good to keep busy again.

Feeling kinda numb which is better than being emotional. You tell people to fuck off a lot […]

My dreams are becoming stranger and stranger. I can’t tell if it’s because I’m bored or because I’ve been off my medication for a while. I can barely remember what I was dreaming about earlier, but I could tell that even during the dream I was confused about what was going on. Something about changing times and places. Being in middle school and then in high school and then someone else and not myself. Just nonsense.

My brother is having girl problems. He just finished middle school. I’m not sure if I believe in god, but the times when […]

I can 100% relate to this and feel that given the way things are in my country this should be legal for people such as myself that had issues pushed on themselves. I’ve set a date and time of “07/16/22 at 5:00 PM CST or 17:00 if military time is your thing”. There is a 75% chance I actually go through with things this to be honest with you. There is a chance I might not goi through with things but it take a lot to be honest including not feeling constantly hated. As a victim of sexual assault I feel that much is owed […]

This will likely be the reason I take my life at this point in time if not because of the fact that I see people at the age my brain is at as the same age as me it’s also because of the fact that I also fall in love with them. I’ve been hanging out with up until the point of today that I really connected with emotionally and in addition to that someone I cared a ton about. My brain is probably at the point where it’s a couple of years younger than the age of 18 which in all honesty scares but […]

The feeling that you get while on a rollercoaster, how your organs are moving inside your body it gives you a “light” feeling. This is the feeling that has been plaguing me for weeks. I fall asleep for the sole purpose to not be awake but then when night comes I cannot sleep again. My days quickly turn to weeks but my hours drag long.