As of this writing, I’m 53 years old. My health is suspect, although I do the things for myself I need to in order to stave off utter decrepitude. I’m single…well, never married. Never relationshipped, to be perfectly honest, not even that of the overnight variety. I have lived, lost…no, not lost. Generally, I’ve driven others away as a consequence of erratic emotional stability. For 10+ years, until last year in fact, I was the full-time, live-in caregiver for my parents. This ceased last year, on July 17, when my mother succumbed to triple hit diffuse large B-cell lymphoma, with spinal cord involvement. By that […]
Hey fellow thinkers of doom. I am a 64 yo man. Never married no kids. By choice mostly but not early on. At a young age I wanted to be with another and was many times. Never worked out for long. As a teen I witnessed the decapatation of my best friend in a motorcycle vs cable across the road. It killed him in a fraction of a second. It changed my life forever. I have spent my entire life going from one dangerous obsession to another. At a young age I moved across the country to be in the high mountains to become a […]
It was only when I saw the coffin with the framed picture of the deceased astride the coffin that the reality of the situation hit me. Four words ‘this is for real’ ran through my brain. I had no emotional investment in the funeral, it was a neighbour, I had attended as a mark of respect for the deceased, so I felt sad for the deceased and the mourning family but unless it was someone I loved I wasn’t going to be overcome with emotion. When I had heard of the passing I felt bad for the family, I recalled the deceased from my childhood, […]
Hello Again,
It had been a while since I last talked….I’m almost/basically worst than last time…I know it may just be me and my silly thoughts but 90% of the time..,it may not be.
I imagine what everything else will be like, but ya know what, I think it’s going to be another dream you cannot wake up from but when you do(wake up from)….you remember for a second…
all that fucked up shit…
and then repeat it all over…
I quit alcohol & drug abuse cold turkey around 2 years ago. Life seemed to get better after a while but now it’s just as bad as when I was wasted 24h/day. Maybe even worse. That’s what I’m wondering about.
A few days ago they published a study that showed some forms of self harm are actually therapeutic. Could the same be said about alcohol/drug self harm? I’m not talking about just 1 glass of white wine with dinner, but I mean maybe 1 hardcore blackout alcohol or drug binge every couple weeks or so. The idea is that self destruction in controlled doses might help […]
I don’t know what to do or how to keep going.
I don’t even want to keep going anyway and I know I won’t.
Everywhere I go there is another person telling me how I should live my life, they coerce me on what I should or should not do. Everyone always drops their worded baggage on me like I’m a garbage can and then I watch them do it to others. People seem so distracted from the horrors of this world; I’m so envious of them, but at the same time I am hurting because they are so unaware of their own […]
Things seem to be going really good for me right now. My boyfriend and I are in a happy relationship. I’m finally starting to feel comfortable in my body. I’m spending more time with my friends. My grades are good. So why am I still so anxious and paranoid? Everytime things go right for me, something bad happens and I don’t wanna lose everything I have again. I’m just so scared that I’m going to mess something up.
Everyone always says it gets better but when has it ever gotten to be anything other than shit. I’m sick of being all alone and empty I realize people never cared if I lived or die because to 7.7 billion people here I’m just another meaningless speck who repeats the same day over and over just with a different script and is just a waste to society. it just feels like I’ve just fucked up anything good that comes my way and like a magnet to the bad. The only thing that I truly just want is to be dead and forgotten so […]
What is love? Why do kids have crushes? Why do they seek love from another at such a young age. Only those who have seen “love” don’t seek it from others. I have seen “love” that turned into hatred so quickly. I am afraid to love. Afraid to feel. Because love can cause only troubles. Mishap. Your love will move on. Love will not stay. It is a shifty thing. Why love at this age?
My necrotic carotid
Fills this head with exotic
Dreams of when I bought it
Suicidal tendencies methodic-ly
Naughty
Not haughty
I’m not breathless
I just breathe less
No delusions of grandeur
But illusions of a grand doer
Fighting force majeure
From what I’ve experienced thru my life, I’ve been thinking of suicide and almost romanticizing it since I was in 8th grade. Death is rest and death is peace. We do everything In life to reach peace. Pay bills for basic needs, go to work to pay for the basic needs, work for money to reach financial peace. What if that loop can be broken? Or should I strive to make more money to be able to buy extra things that bring momentary happiness? I can’t imagine a world of peace without nothingness. I’m stuck in this loop that I had no choice […]
Feeling like a burden distorted everything in my life. I couldn’t read facial expressions, it felt like everyone was glaring at me. And back then I lost someone close to me. I felt like it was my fault, way more dramatic than it really should’ve been,(I found my dad’s body) and I had a plan to kill myself. I couldn’t read the faces in a crowd, A smile in public felt like it was a bad one. I can’t explain…. And I stopped talking to close family, and mourned them “not wanting me to be around”
it’s been years since I’ve talked to anyone in my […]
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There are so many items I still need to get before I can finish making my exit bag kit. I don’t have the money right now to get them. Also, it’s become difficult to get things past the front desk and into my room in the hostel I live in because of staff concerns over my mental health and suspicion of suicidal intent. I really hope nothing else really stressful happens before I am able to exit. I am already plagued by thoughts of all the mistakes I have made as well as how they have brought me to where I am in my life. […]
I really have 0 left to offer this world. Im failing out of college, my boyfriend fucking sucks, everyone around me finds me loud and annoying, i may be in love with my coworker but i already fucked that up. I just want to feel the sweet release of death. I am not going to have some big or nice job in the future- i have no future, im a fucking joke, and the best part is that no one even knows this about me, im so pathetic that i lie to everyone about how my personal life is because im so embarrassed.
I heard the bath running and my sister crying then silence. The very first thing I thought was that she was killing herself. But I didn’t run into the bathroom, instead I grabbed a towel from the closet and stood outside the door thinking of what I was about to see. When I walked into the bathroom she was completely fine, upset but alive. I stayed with her the entire time she was in the bath. When I was alone again I immediately broke down into tears.
I’ve had a chronic pain condition since I was 24 (I’m 42 now), it comes and goes and it’s not horrible most of the time but sometimes it gets so bad I can barely function for months at a time, I’ve lost up to 40lbs in a few months when it happens, the pain is so bad I can barely sleep, to me if I had to live like that all the time it would better to be dead. I’m not religious, though I have studied some eastern religious and I find them fascination, still I have this fear if I kill myself I will […]