how are things, really? Who among us is bold enough to claim to know? Who is so well informed as to know?

Things look pretty bad from over here, for most of the species. All my life I’ve been told that thinking that makes me depressed, having an altered perception. Now what? When the delusion becomes reality, what for the insane to do?

Sanity is on strike, that’s how bad things are. All the kind, loving and generous people have been burnt up, or burnt out.

I feel like I know where I’m going, but I don’t know how to start. Who can help me start? Who can […]

i get angrier at myself by the day, i feel agitated and get headaches by just talking or texting. I’m trying my best not to relapse into self-harm, but i cant get over how fucking stressed i feel right now. as im typing this, i don’t have my knife in sight, but i think after i post this im gonna cut myself still im tired.

i feel so taken apart, so fucking used. i wish i had friends, but im so fucking unlovable and uninteresting. no one wants to stick around me, im so fucking useless in this world.

ive taken some old pills of mine, amphetamine […]

Valentines day

So i made a little bit of a grand gesture towards the girl i’ve been crushing on for like 3 months! I did mention that i liked her and would love to go out sometime, but it’s also complicated since we have a ”professional relationship” that makes going on a date an absolute no-go (the kind of no-go that would get you fired). Yet i’m pretty sure we’ve crossed the professional relationship boundary in some ways by being flirty, when enjoying each others company.

Well last week the day after Valentines day i decided to escalate things a bit further. When we were alone for […]

I don’t know if I will be alive tomorrow. It’s all just so pointless and I can’t keep living like this, and it’s all so hard.

I get up in the morning, drag myself out of bed and try my best to function as a human being. But its always so hard to do anything. I first noticed that I stopped feeling anything positive 3 months ago, I just stopped caring about the “meaning” that everyone talks about. “Why don’t you go out with your friends?”, “I thought you loved what you were doing at uni but it seems like you aren’t interested anymore”, ” Maybe […]

In a wilderness survival course I once took, they said you’re NOT supposed to restrict drinking water. The rule is, without going overboard, drink from your supply when you get thirsty. I never really understood that. I mean, shouldn’t you save your water for when you really need it, like at the point of death?

But I understand it now.

A couple years ago, before my depression got to the point of active suicide plans, I asked for help from the people close to me. I asked for very specific things that would help me stabilize my life so I could get back on track. They literally […]

My depression is overwhelming today. It’s hard just to breathe. I do not want to exist. I have never wanted to exist. As a small child, I asked a mall Santa to die. Things got situationally better for a while, but I have never, even at the best of times, wanted to actually live.

Now, I’m in a cycle of continuous emotional and professional abuse. I am so beaten down that I can’t escape. Every decision I make just pushes me deeper into the fire. And that’s the way it feels. It used to feel like I was drowning on dry land. Now, it feels like I’m […]

I get these moods where I want to just start telling people things I’ve felt/done/thought that is stuff I have kept to myself for ages and I don’t know why. I should keep it to myself, and I know that, but I have an impulsive strong desire to get it  out there despite knowing reactions are likely to be poor.

We had two days of beautiful weather, the kind of weather perfect for a bike ride, or some gardening…. and I spent it doing chores.

My energy level has very much been attached to the temperature lately. If it’s between 50 F and 70 F I have a lot of energy. Any lower OR higher and I struggle to move. Too hot and I risk heat stroke, too cold and my joints act up on me. So when I used these last few days for chores, it was very much a vanishing commodity being invested the best I could.

I’m still mad at myself. I would have […]

I’ve dreaded for so long to post something anywhere because I genuinely believe that nobody gives a f*** about other people. I’m posting now because I’m tired of talking to myself about this.

Click here to skip my past

I was always an introverted person (only a little shy though). Growing up I had good grades and a bit of a harsh environment from my parents. I do believe they did the best they could but oh boy my mom’s personality is something you need to hire someone to understand why is she the way she is. Anyways, you’ve clearly seen that I not only have […]

I am a product of the Deep South. I was raised Southern Baptist and trained to be a pastor. I received my Master of Divinity at the age of 23, but getting a divorce and admitting that I was primarily gay pretty much ended my career choice as a preacher. I later explored liberal Christianity, Spiritualism, Hinduism, Buddhism, and Religious Science. In my mid forties I began an extensive re-education of my self, reading hundreds of books ( over 250 in 2003 alone) and taking over 30 audio coursed from The Teaching Company taught by the nation’s best teachers. I steeped myself in the scientific […]