I spend my evenings desperately trying to find something to distract from the gnawing unease I feel deep inside. Life was supposed to be about more than this. It was supposed to somehow involve other people. But I find myself largely unable to connect to other people – being around others reminds me how much I don’t like myself. All my fears & insecurities put me constantly on edge. I’m terrified of anyone seeing who I really am – because who I am is repulsive. And when I’m on my own, I can mostly be ok with that. I can intellectualise it, and understand what […]
I was meant to be better, so much better.
I’ve been happy, so much happier.
but it always comes back, the sadness, it’s overwhelming.
the urge to kill myself just doesn’t leave, it comes back screaming and fighting.
I don’t want to die
but I need to die
I need to.
I was going to lead with groundhog, do a whole groundhog day motif. 
I was born on Groundhog Day, long ago. Since then, especially in my adult life, it feels like there is a pattern of groundhog like behavior; I am driven to withdraw due to inhospitable conditions, from which I occasionally briefly emerge to check if conditions have changed.
They haven’t, 10 months I’ve been at it. No place for me in the current world. Further I have concluded that prior reemergence was based on faulty data; I […]
Don’t let people intimidate you.
If you’re going through sexual violence, domestic abuse, bullying, smearing, reach out to someone that will help you. Don’t give in to helplessness. Don’t give in to suicide. There are people that care and will rip you away from the hell you’re in.
The toxic ones will gaslight you. The toxic ones will manipulate you. The toxic ones will intimidate you and silence you. Steer clear of them, everyone isn’t the same, but you’ll start feeling like that the worse they are as people.
I care, I’ve been there. Don’t give up!
I truly am all alone. No one will believe me. No one will empathize with me. No one will understand me. No one will take my side. I’m the bad one. I’m the evil one. I’m in the wrong, always. My decisions are all selfish, my attitude is always bad, I’m always making mountains out of molehills. I should just be quiet and take it, everyone says. I’m just maladjusted. I’m the pariah, I’m the freak.
I don’t have the strength to believe in myself when no one else believes in me. I don’t have the tenacity to work through the pain of being eternally unloved, […]
This basically sums up my life. I can’t figure out how to break the stupid cycle so I find bad coping skills after bad coping skills and damage myself in the process. It’s impossible. I keep buying stupid stuff but I don’t need it and in an hour I won’t even want it. I cut myself for years and it was scary how little it hurt. At times it hurt so bad I couldn’t do it and that’s what hurt. I do stupid things to like act confident and end up embarrassing myself. I hate it so much but I can’t stop doing it.
Does anyone […]
Day after day, minute after minute, I live in pure frustration and desperation. I want to know what’s wrong with this head of mine, but I can’t figure it out. No doctor or therapist will truly listen to me but that’s beside the point. I need to know why I am the way I am because not knowing is killing me quite literally and I don’t know what to do. I can’t trust anyone. I am sensitive, so people’s words and actions are very powerful. If someone tries to see my scars for fun or because “they have to” things don’t end well. […]
So many years of broken relationships. I wonder if there was a time in history where people lived in harmony or at peace with each other.
i feel so alone. i know everyone feels alone. but i feel like i have no excuse to feel the way i do. i feel like everyone who has the same problems as me is able to deal with them or able to get on with their life and i don’t know why i’m so absolutely pathetic about everything that happens to me. autism makes my life difficult but there are so many autistic people i know who have friends and partners adn are able to function normally so that can’t be it. being trans makes my life difficult but i know so many trans […]
I had to see a judge after my half-sister death : he thinks the problems come from my mother and her husband so he decided to put me in a foster to avoid the fact i could do the same thing , he force me to see a psy before going to bed , well my life sucks . I have to share my room with a girl named Mikayla , this girl has no parents ; they died in a airplane crash , well Mikayla, mine are alive but not my siblings . This girl is cringe asf , she keep asking how Niela […]
friendships are supposed to go both ways. one supports the other when something bad happens and vice versa. but what happens when I don’t want anyone to talk to me or vent to anyone and I’m left to only give and never take. its my fault that I don’t want to take, but I don’t know what to do about it. Among other things, I feel really different from other people. I was with another person the other day and i was watching them make lunch. and they were so excited about making lunch that they would physically bounce around after they put together a […]
My dad sabotaged me and now I feel this weird perversion to just watch the world burn. I feel there is no safe space. That online and at home at least, people are thirsty to make me the bad person and an example. I want to be the happy person I used to be, It is so long ago that I am forgetting how that was possible for the person I used to be. My peer advocate said it seems like I’m in quicksand and I am so desperate to fix my situation and the more I struggle the worse it gets. I am so […]
Not much to say, really. Or maybe too much that there just isn’t enough room.
I don’t know how to let go. It’s not something I ever learned. To force my brain to move the fuck on from whatever it’s fixated on. I seem to be causing myself endless pointless suffering, simply because my mind will not process the evidence presented to it.
This thing that seems incredibly important and vital? Yeah, that’s not for you. Better luck next time. Just accept it and focus on something else.
But I don’t. It’s like there’s this void inside me, and I’m desperately seeking out something that might negate it. Maybe letting go would mean accepting that void. That there is no purpose or […]
Well I made my decision. I’m going to WPI. I’m totally out of my depth and will probably flunk out. I’m a dumbass who has no idea what he’s doing and might not even graduate considering all the shit I still haven’t done for my senior project due in less than two weeks. I’m fucked beyond all reason. Yet I still choose it. I can feel myself loosing it with just the little amount of work I have now, so this is probably going to fuck me. The panic of stuff recently got to me, but now […]
There is only one, one cause worth fighting for; a worthwhile life.
That which we all lack, and despairing of that, we wonder why life?
Yes our struggle is with existence itself,
the very concept of something, the concept of worth, are under attack
so could it be we are romantics at heart?
lost without a path to tred?
Yet for our love, we can’t leave. We fight on, because we know little else.
which brings me back to the start; is that meaningful?
IS IT ENOUGH?!
hmmm? What say you?
When will my body do, what it’s supposed to? Maybe it’s true afterall that the mind makes you ill at some point. No one ever finds anything that’s wrong with me. I’m tired of searching for proof. When will I get better?
I’ve been cheated on in all my past relationships and then thrown away. I was just dating someone for a year and half and they broke up with me after cheating on me too. I’m about to fail out of school in my senior year. I’m drowning constantly and I have no one to talk to. It feels like there’s a stack of 1000 books onto of my skull. The girl I thought was the love of my life is gone forever. She won’t stop texting me about how she misses me and wants to be with me and I can’t even answer. It’s like the […]