The unexamined life is not worth living.  I live completely alone and have no interaction with other people.  Surely that qualifies.  Thanks Socrates.

I feel like everyone I get close too just stabs me in my back even adults that watched me grow up can become one of the most disgusting people in your life  because people don’t actually care they will take everything they can from you. Your happiness, your will to live, your money, anything they can. They break your trust over and over and because you considered them family at one point you forgive and some of the things they did makes you want to forget but you can’t, the things they did they can never take back not that they actually try to because […]

“Who am I?”

I always ask myself.

And whenever I do
Countless of flashbacks races before my eyes
Telling me that I am this and I am that making me feel uncomfortable on my own skin . Confusing me

“Who are you?”
I ask again
But I don’t really know

“Who are you?”
For the third time I ask myself
And I remember how I used to be
Acting differently between people I meet

And for the last time

“Who are you?” I ask
Still, flashbacks
The memories of me being innocent
Memories of me being a monster
And I ask myself again

“Who am I?”

It’s been a rough couple of years when it comes to my love life. Mainly I was broken up with, because he said he was bored. not only that, but months after the break up I found out that he had cheated on me. So that was two and a half years ago, and now I have pushed away any form of love from anyone. If someone likes me I tell them not to just to keep my feelings safe. I know I’m scared of getting hurt again. But like I also don’t want a relationship because I don’t feel anything for anyone. Like I’m […]

There once was a man from Nantucket…

Who said “I’m sick of people complaining about not being able to work because of “anxiety” or whatever. Honestly, don’t make excuses. Man up and get shit done. Wallowing in self-pity isn’t going to get you anywhere in life.”

And he expounded this thought…

Over and over to one particular person…

Until that person stopped talking to him…

Stopped showing up anywhere at all, really…

And he didn’t feel bad…

And soon he forgot that person even existed…

And lived a long and happy life.

You should try journaling!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try exercise!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try yoga!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try meditation!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try antidepressants!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try cognitive behavioural therapy!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try positive affirmation!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try gardening!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try art!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try music!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try talking to a doctor!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try talking to a psychologist!
Did it. Didn’t help.

I think the “normal” thing would be to fear death. That’s what our society has coded as “scary” and to be avoided. You know what you get if you avoid death; old.

I’m 34. Relatively young, which means I have a long decline to look forward to. Sometimes I’m optimistic, maybe there will be less pain down the road. Maybe I’ll be dead before I know it. Other times… 60 years is a long time to have left on the clock. Men in my family, they’re either dead by 65 or live well past 90. I was caretaker to my granddad during his final years, and […]

So long ago. So much lost. Here I am searching for posts that probably don’t exist. A memory of 10 years ago. But here I am again. Searching for the connections that made me feel whole –  the connections that made me feel anything. So many years later and I can’t forget those that meant everything to me. The one opportunity to have someone understand, it meant anything. So many people – some don’t want to talk to me, others died, others lost to time. I can’t forget. I was always here…

I was always loyal, I would always aim to be there. I know I […]

I’m feeling alone. I have nobody who I can talk about my problems. I don’t know anyone who would help me. I don’t have anyone to share my dreams with.

The last time I logged in here I was just some kid in high school, things have been rough these last few months but I wanted to log on and tell all of you to keep fighting, nothing is forever, this time 7 years ago when I was logged on here wanting to die, and now I’m at home happily watching my child play with blocks, smiling laughing away, I could have never imagined my life like this, but I wouldn’t change it for the world, Please reach out if you need a friend

Prayers for my mother today. She’s going through serious heart surgery, still isn’t done.

It won’t load for some reason.

convos with anyone are getting scarce, it feels weird to talk when im in call with a friend or when talking to one of my family members, mostly because i hardly use it nowadays.

so silently, im sinking in stress and puddle of sadness i made for myself. i wanna cry out for help, but would it be worth it? does anyone really care enough to reach out and say “you mean alot to me”? do i mean anything to anyone? i have friends, but i hardly talk to them. the only time people talk to me is when they want something from me. i feel […]

Not sure how to post, first time

I have decided that it’s time for me to go. For most of my life, I have pretended that everything was well and tried to convince myself. But there was always a whole that is growing bigger and bigger. Now I feel constant pain, anxiety, sadness. I don’t want to keep fighting it, I made peace with myself and my choice. I know that I’m going to make many people very sad and they will not understand my choice but I’m already making them sad today by being constantly unhappy and toxic.

I have already decided on how […]

I took them like candy as I wrapped the noose around my neck maybe she would care maybe she would answer if you saw what I was doing but I found I was wrong and that all I would get was a text. She told me a text was all she could give and that her friend’s time was important. That’s all I was my life had been reducing to less than a moment in someone’s timeline. Just like that, I had been thrown away to the back burner by someone I loved someone I trusted someone I thought would be there in my time […]

as of lately i have realized that i have not hidden the fact that i want to die. i have realized that it resides on the way my face rests and the way my eyes shadow darker every day. the way i carry myself and the way i talk about my future. the way i act and rashly make decisions. it’s not hidden and its out in the open. upon figuring this out, i have asked myself why my mom doesnt see it. why she doesnt,,,,,look. and i realized that she does see it. she sees it clearly but does not do a thing. she […]

It’s been a while since I wrote on here. But I need a release. I feel so alone. The most alone I’ve felt in a long while. I don’t know how else to deal with this feeling, so I’ve resorted to what feels most comforting to me. Just like it used to. I almost forgot how to write my emotions down. I just shrug them off and move on. But it feels like everything I’ve shrugged off has just been dragging at my feet. And now this are difficult for me. I can’t carry my weight, I’m dragging my feet. My heart feels heavy. 
But […]

I am trash, here’s why.
Not only am I fat, (316 pounds of true fatness) but i am ugly (face/body is not symmetrical and symmetry is beauty) and a woman. A womans worth is seen by her attractiveness. However much it sucks, that is a true fact in this world. So I am garbage. By looking at me you’d think what most people on the internet think. That I’m a pig who stuffs her fat face constantly and lazy. The truth is I log everything I eat and have records for months and months that I don’t break 1400 calories a day usually and […]

…you are constantly striking out? And I don’t mean in the patriarchal sex way but like in every conversation I have, the things that i am trying to say get interpreted in a different way than how I intended and the other person won’t tell me what they heard or how they feel when I ask. I feel broken, like maybe there is a part of humanity that I am missing. I know we are all having a hard time and I hope we can find ways to move at the pace of love, talk things through and assume good intentions. When people dehumanize me […]