I feel like I’m just getting by with most things. I don’t want to “just get by” anymore but it feels so hard to do anything. It is a vicious cycle. I think I am doing better and I want to for a glimpse. But self doubt and self hatred consume me again. I’m bad at everything, nothing will come of me. Not that I want to be important! but I do have dreams. I just don’t see myself as someone strong enough to get there. I try and then, I don’t try. Again and again, every time a little less effort. I’m so tired.
Hi im 20 and ive benn doing weed for like 6 years or 7 i tryed once to commit suicide but i was not ready ive benn doing ither drugs to but ive been doing weed every day for the last 2 years and qhile im high i think my self dying couz i cant stand my family problems and what my parents do to my brothers too and im just a fucking punk who likes to sell weed drugs and have knifes so i think very strong a way put by giving an end couz im at my limits cant stand this thing anymore.
I’m in college in my first semester just taking gen eds and it is going quite well. I have just finals left, but as of now I have a 4.0 (granted I have the best teachers in the world). I’m living at home right now because my community college is right down the street, and it’s the best I can afford. I was looking up degrees and found out that nursing fits me perfectly, however because I am attending community college, the four year colleges around me won’t accept me because I am doing my first two years at the community college. […]
Im about to turn 17 on Dec 11, which is next week. My goal is to commit suicide before my Birthday. It’ll be the best present, I can give myself.
Everyone makes painful, frustrating, aggravating experiences. But the question is – are there also some wonderful experiences to look forward to, that make it worth to put up with the bad ones? You can’t define the value of either experiences by logic (neither positive, nor negative). Perhaps, it’s even not possible to describe them in such a way, that people, who didn’t experience them, truly understand them. I believe, the most powerful positive experiences are built upon the feeling of affinity, belonging to this world. It’s not […]
why is death the only answer? what happen if i succeed only to find that it hurts on the other side? where does this anguish come from and why cant i beat it? why cant i be a normal person? why do so many of us suffer from this? why cant life be simple and easy? why do people prevent me from having work, a place to live and food to eat? why cant i abide by the rules? so many questions, too few answers
sometimes I drive down the alleyways you used to show me in your sleep, I hear your phantom laugh at jokes already made and I hear you point out the shimmering stars that flicker above us. I want to follow you, but you always rush ahead of me, your stride a choreography of eloquence, the way you maneuver on the rubbery dirt with the fluidity of wind, your arms outstretched, your delicate fingers open, your body dancing with your elegant gallop. Your long hair flows gracefully in the warm, summer breeze, swirling around the curves of your face and dipping into the steep of your […]
So, up until about 6 months ago, I had a pretty ok life. Had a good paying job, owned a nice house, had great friends and neighbors and a pretty active social life. At the time, I didn’t realize how good it was. I sure do now.
My in-laws used to live about an hour from us but about 15 years ago, decided to move to some tiny little hillbilly town in Alabama. My husband, being the poster child for “Mama’s Boy” has been begging me ever since they left to move there. He said it was quiet and pretty and wanted a less complicated life; […]
What I thought was going to be a great Thanksgiving turned into a nightmare. My mom once again had one of her huge outbursts and just had to make everyone upset. It started out as a fight between her and my dad, they were screaming and my mom threatened divorce, and then she was fighting with my grandma. She was getting into her face calling her names and screaming. I would not allow her to treat my grandmother like that. I had to tell her to stop. Then she was following me around the house screaming for me to give her my phone. She kept […]
Wrists of Schist
The secrets I keep,
circle my mind.
Every night,
Never confined.
Like a whispered song,
In a loop that won’t end.
Going and going
‘til it all seems to blend.
the people I’ve hurt.
the torture, the damage.
all of it I wish,
I wish it would vanish
But the pain is too much.
It shows on my wrists.
Seeping out with the blood,
Looking like a schist
Then hiding another secret,
Yet again, another lie.
More cuts, more excuses,
But never do I cry
And each night I still lie there
With the secrets, the thoughts
In hopes of forgetting
The pain that I’ve got
But the pain is still there.
The guilt in my heart
Being etched in it’s stone
Will it tear me apart?
that every lie you speak
sets your lips ablaze
and burns you to the core.
(l.i)
Whenever someone is suicidal, or self harms, the question people most commonly ask is “Why?” The question they should really be asking is “Why not?”
Everyone else in the world–normal people, those who can function on a daily basis–has a reason why not (even if they don’t realize it.) They have friends, a career, art, music, something that makes their lives good enough to keep going. I don’t. I never have. The last time I attempted was almost three years ago. Since then I’ve been searching for a reason “Why not?” but I can’t find it.
I’ve been thinking about trying again. This Friday I have an […]
“What now?” The first thought in mind was the last thing I thought about while waiting to die. I woke up and it was cold, dark, and dirty from not cleaning the house while in my state of misery. I got up, stumbled to get to the bathroom, and sat on the pot. I didn’t use it, just as a chair. I examined myself thoroughly through the mirror and found that my eyes were bloodshot, hair was a slight grey, and my lips were cracked. I’m an average looking guy on most days and look younger than my age presents. I’m 21 and already the […]
If you want to attempt suicide you better be prepared for pain and/or failure. I have always thought if things go wrong and I feel really horrible I will be able to kill myself. Except that it’s not as easy as it seems. I had a chance today and it hurt too much. No matter how badly you may want to die the lizard part of your brain will do anything to survive. There is so much planning and research to do and even after all of that you will probably die a painful death or have to live with failure to try again another […]
It’s raining
I used to love the sound of rain. It calmed me. It drizzled through the leaves in the tree in the rose garden when we huddled together and ate sushi one afternoon. That is all gone now. Gone forever.
It’s raining
I can see her dancing in the yard with nothing but a big floppy hat. The rain made her happy. It washed away all of her tears and all of her fears. There are no more tears. She is no more.
It’s raining
How I loved to walk in the rain. Walking for miles on end. I could leave everything I hated, and that […]
has come and gone and I still can’t believe any of it. Exactly a year ago I was in a very shitty relationship that was falling apart and taking me down with it. I can’t believe that it finally ended especially the way everything has gone down. I also can’t believe that in two months I will have had a close friendship with someone for an entire year. That person whether they meant to help me or not did more than I could have ever imagined. I am so grateful for that, for them and everything that they have done. I am sad because these […]
What is hope? Hope is an ideal. An ideal that involves some conception of a type of safety…whether it be in a hope for something in the future, and hope that someone actually cares, a hope that someone will actually understand, whatever it may be. But what can be said of hope when there is no such thing as safety? There is no safety in friends, no safety in success, no safety even in family. There is no safety in myself. It’s like there are some kind of demons in my head that won’t leave me alone. Everything good is bad, everything bad is worse. […]
Earlier this spring I made the huge mistake of telling my closest friends about my suicidal thoughts. Being the friends that they were, like any other people, they tried to talk me out of it. But my suicide plans got out to other people. They’d come and ask me about it and would always plaster a “concerned” look or “friendly” smile on their face, and start with the same frightening phrase, one that sends shivers down my spine
“I won’t judge you”
If approached about your suicide, when you hear that phrase leave their lips. Run my friend, run.
My suicide plan is to get right with God so I can have at least a little chance of making into heaven, then hang myself or Carbon Monoxide poisoning. The latter seems like the least painful way of doing it but it takes a while and sometimes isn’t even done correctly. I’m fact, I don’t even care if it hurts, I’ve suffered so much hurt on this earth that all this will seem like is another pinch. My week of getting right with God starts today. And if I get any shitty comments like “Suicide sends you to hell” you and I will have a […]
Should I live or die tonight? Whats the point in living? What’s the point in stayin alive when u know nothin good is going to happen. What’s the point in stayin here in this world. I’m just sick and tired of having to live like this..but I’ll believe that one day something will change my
life. I’ll wait until I can’t wait no more.