….oh yeah..
I’m suddenly feeling a manic episode coming on. I’m at a crossroads with this feeling.. I don’t know whether to try and use it to feel better or keep low with the help of my sad music and bad habits. I just don’t want to crash again..it’s getting so old I just want to keep myself down and depressed as long as possible. But time goes by and I get nothing done in my life. I cant eat to the point of self harm. The problem with these manic feelings is that they always drop suddenly without warning, that or I become delusional […]

The depression has completely taken over me now and it’s only day two… I can’t remember how long these episodes take. I tried to eat, chocolate not healthy but something i might enjoy. I just threw it all back up.
I don’t deverse to eat.
Two days without food.
I can’t even make myself get out of bed to get water.

That will be how I die. The one way I have full control over myself. No one can make me eat.

I went to a psychiatric testing place last week, and I’ve got to go back again Monday. I’ve noticed that I express far fewer symptoms of depression than I had years ago. For instance, I don’t actively want to commit suicide, but I still wish to stop existing. I sleep whenever I can, because there is nothing to do at all that means anything. I don’t want a job because there is no point, and I’m currently mentally incapable of having one, as I break down about a couple of weeks in, realising how pointless and worthless I am and that my job suggests the […]

I am slowly coming to honest terms with the fact that, against all of my efforts, there truly is no hope for me. Whatever good things that I either create for myself or just happen upon me are all illusions whose ugly truths get revealed eventually.

I cannot trust my mom or my dad. Or the various mentors in my life.

I cannot trust my sister.

I don’t know if I can trust my brother, although ironically he’s shattered my trust many times in the past.

I cannot trust the only person who has ever really known me and who said the words, “I will always love you.”

I no longer have friends to break my trust.

This February, […]

No idea what to do anymore. I feel so broken and hopeless. Society is doomed. No one is honest. No one is trustworthy. Most people are too drama filled to even be friends with them. I spend my nights looking at others posts on here. Looking at ways to go painlessly. Sitting alone in my room. Whenever I have something I want it gets ripped away. The universe doesn’t want me to be happy. Two years with someone, they cheat. Three years with someone, they cheat. Finally get engaged to someone, they get Prego, found out they cheated and they also lost the baby. I […]

Only one thing. Only one person matters so much to me.  Well that’s not entirely true but what if THE most important person you can think of is long gone?

I may be young but my life is crumbled.My problem is not as serious as you people who take drugs and cut themselves because you are seriously hurt.I just feel like a piece of s***. I keep smiling in my life holding back my real feelings but that just makes me feel worse it makes me feel like i want to explode! My friends are not my real friends my family only critisize my every move i have no freedom.i feel like i want to die. I told myself that if i go through this hardship then god will reward me with heaven.but no. I […]

Red rush from the entry

The shining blade hovers like a sentry

The tremor travels though my hand

Until I can no longer stand

Sensation shakes my body

And shakes the numbness encased in me

Escape at last

From the future and past

Fading at last

The blackout approaching fast

But numbness persists

So I must assist…

Drive it home down to bone

Truly alone

My heart a darkening stone

As its beat begins to lose tone

Dear Mia,

If it’s 2 am and you find yourself in a world of complete despair, please don’t turn to strangers on the internet for help, like I once did.

Please climb into bed with me and I will hold you until the demons sleep. If it’s Monday morning and you are too sad to move, I won’t force you. School can wait, work can wait.

I will go buy us ice cream and we will watch your favorite TV shows and I will remind you of your importance. If you feel as if you have no purpose, I will remind you that you were created entirely […]

I was the most picked on girl and I still am. Over the summer my mom and I got into many many fights. She had told me over and over that if I died her life would be perfect. So I started taking pills and cutting after almost one year of not cutting. She gets drunk one night and yells at me till I leave the house at ten. I walk to town almost six miles away. I sit down  because all the pills kick in. Now I also must say I was drinking to that night. But after I sat down a cop pulled […]

I’ve been struggling for so long. I don’t understand why I hate myself so much. Why I don’t want to live. I want to be done. I want to be peaceful. I hate hating myself. I feel alone. I feel left out. I hate breathing. I feel isolated and alone. I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

Just sad. Thats all I am.

This is terminal, isn’t it? As in my time is pretty limited now. If suicide doesn’t get me in the end then anorexia sure will. I guess i’m pleased only im growing impatient. I know of very peaceful ways i can die. And yet i still sit here crying from the pain. I’m on the verge of making an official plan when i’ve only ever gone by spontaneous crisis moments before.

I’ve been in an endless suicidal episode recently. This just has got to stop. Am just trying to make it through this night without resorting to an overdose. Please make […]

I can’t sleep again, had to wash down another thorazine.  I want to paint the walls red but I know it will get me nowhere but scarred for life however long that spark may live on.  I am ruminating on my panic attack earlier this week right in the middle of class, the professor sent me home “sick”, I almost jumped off the roof…  But I know better (been there, done that).  I don’t want to die really, I just want to be free of turmoil and strife.  What happens when we die, what do you think?  Are we doomed to repeat this miserable life […]

i know how im going to do it its just a matter of getting the materials without raising suspicion. after i have everything i need in hand im gone. though its going to take some time.

It’s after midnight and depression took over. I’m sitting in my room with some candles burning and doom metal playing in the background, writing this. I feel alone. Isolated. There is no one to talk to right now. It’s just me versus me. God, it is so tempting to die right now.

I was the most happy child, I grew up in a little village with my mum, dad and big sister. Perfect.

My dad used to get so angry, he was violent with me and my sister. My mum was scared of him, but she’d always try and stop him. My mum was depressed, living in isolation with 2 small children and a husband always down the pub. My sister has autisum, but back then my mum was told she was just being ‘difficult’. Sometimes mum would get angry, her eyes would go red and pop out her head, her face would change, she’d look so […]

I am a diagnosed bipolar, twenty year old girl. And maybe it is just the depression talking. But I am so lost and I’m so on my own. I’m scared.

Fear is my biggest problem. Im so scared of everything. Scared to be on my own. Scared to run. Scared to hide. Scared to fly incase I fall. Scared to risk it all. Scared to die.

To die would be an awfully big adventure.
I’ve sat on my bed on days when I’m all alone in the house. I’ve taken pills, washed them down with vodka. But as soon as it started to hurt i made myself […]

I realized, im not scared to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, I decide to give life another chance, but everytime I do, I come back 🙁

My dad just called and he knows I cut and he found my rope, he sounded worried

It is now November, and I am still here. I’d be lying to say that I am happy. I’d be lying to say things are fine. Nevertheless, things are easier. Things are not as sad. I am able to sleep with less trouble. I can keep my mind off the bad things more easily, without bigger distractions.

Hopefully, things will keep improving. We shall see.

Either way, for now, I’m still here.

damn. 19, nearly 20 and I’m still a distant son to my parents. I haven’t seen them in years.

never has it really been any different.
I really don’t want to spout the same generic things that people would expect to hear.
I don’t want to be just another. I hope no one reads this. Its like letting the public know
but hoping they close their eyes, and don’t listen

neglectfulness fills my life.
I was in hopspital 3 years ago, I was a lot worse then.
I was really gone back then…I can’t remember much of it.
But now, although the doctors shone that light in […]