I suppose the mind plays tricks to distract you from the harder shit in life, i don’t even know what shit it will pull tomorrow. “stoopid brain!” *slaps it
When I was younger, 13ish, my “father” said it was my fault that people didn’t hangout with me. He said it was my fault my cousins father didn’t want her hanging out with me….
i just want out. i need out. this agony has me chained and i don’t see any way to escape without dying in the process. a few days ago i felt a little hope that i would make it but that got ripped up. i can’t move. can’t do anything. can’t show up anywhere. i just need everything to go away
even as i write this, it feels like a lie. maybe it is a lie. maybe i’m just desperate for attention. but here we are.
i dont know how i feel. i always think i begin to, but as soon as i feel emotion it disappears. not out of thin air, but i’ll sit and think “is this real? do i feel this? are you sure? are you doing this for attention?” and it kills me. i don’t know who i am or what i think. i feel so disconnected from my body and mind. i feel this way even as i sit and write […]
I feel ok. Like there’s a little light to follow in the far distance. I’m not sobbing or anxiety riddled, and that’s all it was last summer….Perhaps this new approach is paying off…
and you know, I just, wasted so much time trying to understand what happened…
I hated seeing in black and white, and ruminating over it. I hated her. I hated them.
I couldn’t help it, either. It’s just how this works, I guess.
Most of the time I live in a self-contained bubble of distraction. I avoid my negative feelings by consuming a constant stream of media. But when I have to be around people I’m forced to face how I really feel, and I don’t know how to cope with it.
Emotional suffering is strange – I want to say that it hurts, but if you asked me what the pain was like, I wouldn’t know what to tell you. It’s hard to articulate what the distress consists of. I suppose a series of encounters triggers parts of my brain that I mostly try to suppress, and […]
“God is not on our side because he hates idiots”
-The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
Ah, the hotline. The stupid number everyone sends you when you say you’re suicidal. Is it really helpful tho? How on earth could they help me through the phone? By the way, how do the conversations look like, do they say generic stuff like “you’re not alone” or something? If they were helpful for you, could you share a story maybe? I just want to know how it’s like, I’m too scared to actually call now so I need some heads up to what I should actually expect. Thanks in advance.
I’m just too young man! I should be enjoying life like others but I can’t. I’ve become so overly philosophical it has kinda ruined me, I don’t see the point in any action I do, partially because of this. Another thing are my stupid illnesses not letting me live properly tbh. SPD and OCD ruined my childhood now misophonia is ruining my “golden days”. It really is a struggle when you can’t talk to anyone because you get mad when they fucking breathe. It’s so tiring. It’s so so awful. I have nobody because of the way I act, I’m so unfriendly to everybody, I […]
i should have been doing something enjoyable for the past 2hrs with my SO….instead ive been getting high and drunk and havent said a word….
i ruin everything….
i think “i dont feel so good” means its time to put it down…. my head, my chest..i dont feel good. my SO went to bed, i wonder if ill message him tomorrow or if ill stay in this shell.. i cant tell him about my drinking, he worries enough. and i just make it worse….
“sometimes it just bounces off you”
should i even bother still mentioning things if its pointless??
“what doesnt kill you makes you stronger”
what they dont mention is whether or not that wound is still open. if its healed then yeah your stronger, but if youre constantly struggling all youre doing is keeping your head above water as the weight gets heavier. the wound isnt closed and is just reopening/getting worse. going through things doesnt always makes you stronger….
I traced my self harm scars to make this first piece; for the second piece I smeared paper over my paint pallet.
Represents the longing I have to see physical scars but how the aftermath is always messy.
maybe if I can get better at noticing the little victories
I revamped my resume for a job that has been chasing me. I’m super apathetic about it, but it’s nice to be chased. Then today I got an email that they want a second interview, awesome. My dad tossed me some cash, we got some nice stuff for V-day, and my wife got the information on a local banks recruiting. This means that for the first time in four years, my wife and I both have active potential job prospects.
I also got my meds ahead of schedule, which is one less thing to worry about… […]
i wish i had more friends or at least people to talk to, i wish i could just stop having this dreadful feeling deep inside me when im drawing, playing games, or doing literally anything. i wish i could stop being or feeling like im big tumor on the people i love, and that the people i love dont give a shit about me. unless thats actually true, which im always wondering if it is or not
i hate being so stupid, so mentally ill, so me, i wish i was someone else. i wish i was someone lovable, someone interesting and someone worth being friends […]
Well I can’t believe it has come to this again. I have told myself that wouldn’t ever kill myself because I have to live for my brothers. Even if that means I continue to suffer, I decided that i’d live for them. But lately the way shit has been my mindset is beginning to change. I broke down in tears on my way home today because I suddenly realized that “holy shit! My time might actually be coming. Sooner rather than later.” A bullet through the head sounds so fucking good right now and it seems all I need is one more fucked up thing […]
Im so tired all the time im not lazy but i get sleep its like a living hell i get up go to school do work go home do work stay up do more work shower bed then just doing again its the same thing every day its all i do and all i will ever do in my life until i cant get a job and move out im sick and tired of it i just wanna see what the people call the “Other side of life” This world is harsh and cold and mean and will fuck you up so hard you forget […]
Well back when i was 2-10 (Age) i was raped threw out the ages of 2 – 10 by my uncle and he told me the only way for people to love me is by letting them touch me in places i dident wanna be touched in and he told me that is love well i grew up and told my mother witch was the hardest thing for me to do in my life i cried so hard i couldent breath and i was about 15 and i tried to kill myself by overdosing on shrooms until my sisters boyfriend sat next to me and […]
Trying to get my feet back under me. Really, trying. Met the new therapist earlier in the week… didn’t even think about that saying all that, telling my story would open all of those wounds. Didn’t worry about the damage, I was floating, and now I’m not.
Every time I try to express confidence, it feels like I’m lying. Like everyone can see me lying, and they just love to see me dig my own hole.
I’m working on this stupid project, trying to wrap my head around some complex math, and that feels like a lie too.
My new therapist said “it sounds like you’ve been kicked […]