the thing is, i don’t understand myself either. i am also a stranger to my own emotions and my own thoughts, my memory doesn’t work anymore too. they ask me what i mean and why i am like this as if i do know, they get mad as if i like being unbearable. i don’t think i have truly talked to anyone is a long while now.. i’ve spoken but not actually talked. i’m always mad too.. and hopeless, and frankly i want to punch every person that tells me it’ll get better.. no it won’t, the problem isn’t that i’m just not trying hard […]
So basically what the head title says.
I am not suicidal right now. I am around 40 years old, life alone and have a personality disorder. I am not depressive or have any other illnesses.
I plan to life until the day one of my parents passes away. I plan to take care of one of them when they get old. So they don’t end up in a retirement home.
My biggest problem is, because of that mentioned personality disorder I don’t plan on having a family, kids or a partner. So I will definitely end up alone when I am old. Which really scares me, because I […]
Hey there! This is deathonnile. New here, always wanted someone to share my story with, luckily I found this site the thing is I have range of diseases not the serious ones but minor ones like asthma, allergy and yea ocd. It also looks like maybe my parents want me dead you know so they could be happy coz you know they are tired taking care of me ,to them am just an investment , my parents have been supportive my entire teenage life but the thing is they expect so much from me yea both my parents are doctors earning loads of money so […]
Strange how our time goes by so quickly. One challenge to another, and due time there’s become a difference to it all.
A difference that changes what to come.
These last few months have been like a piece of soap opera, as if I ate the whole soap. And it tasted awful.
I still get bad hiccups of which decisions I had to make, but not as bad as the raw thing.
‘Cause, I’ve become unpure and a villain. Some things will haunt me in the future. If it catches me I will bite the dust.
Though, I want to […]
Holy hell, the f*ing thing updated and suddenly my touchscreen laptop’s touchscreen stopped functioning. This laptop is specifically made for touchscreen, so which means the whole point of this laptop stopped working. Took me THREE F*CKING HOURS trying every help page and every help fix. Nothing worked after trying a million things, but I FINALLY deleted that f*cking update file.
I KNEW it was the f*king update file, but windows wouldn’t let me delete it. Tried a million times. Finally this other method work, thank goodness.
Now when windows updates again, is it going to f*ck it up again?
The feeling of everything caving in until it explodes….
Getting close to the day. Everything is planned and verified, as much as it can be done. The only thing that’s a total wild card is what I’ll be feeling in the minutes before. My method is jumping. Success rate is 100% from my chosen location. 90% in general from that height. So obviously there aren’t many accounts of people’s last thoughts. I highly doubt there are any failed jumpers here but if there are please post what your thoughts were especially as you fell. Any other extremely violent suicide survivors please share as well (train, gunshot, anything that immediately results in severe damage) although […]
why come in my room to talk to me?
only to put me down
to make me feel like im not good enough
i do everything right
you don’t have to make me feel shitty because you hate the way you grew up
you tell me im lucky for how nice you are to me
you also tell me that im a failure because i stay up late doing the homework i can barely do
im not doing this for you
so why critique me on the essence of my work when its not for you
it does not concern you
the reason im so […]
im only 14 and i dont eat. when i do, i purge. i used to be a straight a student but im falling behind. everytime i try to live, it gets harder for me. i sound like an ungrateful wuss for saying id kill myself bc things are too hard. but my energy to keep going decreases everyday. i just wonder if i would, if everyone would be better off if i was gone. i really cant do this.
sincerely, a hopeless nightmare
when i used to self harm i used to hit my head a lot, i didnt think of it that much back then but now i see the result. probably any type of self harm is better than hitting ur head, i suffer from memory loss, but no one would probably believe me, i dont even remember basic stuff such as what happened the day before, what somebody told me or things that i did, i may sound dramatic but its worse than it sounds. i dont remember how i started it but i did it everytime my mom was bitching about smth that ive […]
theres nothing to do anymore, nothing is fun, im stressing over the exams that we will have and lots of shit that we will have to do and who knows maybe i wont get accepted to that highschool that i wanted to go to and ill have to ruin my high school experience and most likely life because of it. u dont know how much i suffer from anxiety everyday, no one understands me, it hurts, i cover my ears and try not to cry and freak out from loud people, im slowly losing myself. i keep snapping and having break downs, i was happy […]
no one understands me, no one knows how much i suffer everyday, i cant believe im depressed again. i lost my loved one, i wish i was better for them, i wish i brought myself to show love and affection, i couldnt, i couldnt even keep myself up while im being stressed from school and everything, its so hard for me after the 4th(?) break up, it killed me, no matter how much i love him nothing will be the same. i dont wanna be with him anymore but i do, im confused, im so confused, i dont know what i want but all i […]
I’ve always had a self-image problem. Today my own boyfriend called me ugly and blamed it on being tired. i really feel like that was my last straw. I’m tired of living in my skin. in this body of fat and paleness. My hair is falling out because of my eating problem and I feel everything coming to an end. I used to get bullied for my weight and complimented when I lost it all when everyone openly knew I had an ED. I’m tired and I’ve faught long enough.
I know i should be in the psych ward…
Psychotic episodes are going to kill me. Either directly because i keep hitting my head and now it just hurts off and on. dont touch my head, it will hurt. Or indirectly because i fucking hate it and its part of the driving force of my suicide.
I hit my head again yesterday morning. Thanksgiving day and i had a psychotic episode over something so stupid.
I finished the day off with a nice supper so thats a bonus i guess….
thinking about it i might not have a choice…
if im not going to commit suicide im thinking about trying […]
Yowza. Tonight’s sunset.
I want to end this life so badly, and leave this awful world once and for all, but I’m afraid of ending up in an even worse place.
I know that my life WILL end up by the means of suicide one day, and when that day comes while I’m dying there will be always this fear present in my thoughts. The fear of ending in a bad place.
It’s kind of boring talking about it over and over and over again. About being alone and not being able to make any sort of meaningful connection with others. I’m bored talking about it. I’m bored thinking about it. It’s boring. Being alone and being with others doesn’t really matter. It’s pointless to think about or worry. Who cares? People aren’t interesting. Listening to them isn’t interesting. Talking to them isn’t interesting. Hearing whatever inane thoughts they think and telling them about my inane thoughts is pointless. Why should I care? About […]
There’s so much regret and longing lodged in my brain. Nighttime is when it all starts leaking out into my consciousness, tormenting me. There’s so much I wish I’d done differently, been a completely different person. I feel like I’ve been set on this path for so long, but I can’t help wondering…what if? Could some twist of fate have saved me? But I didn’t believe in it then, as I don’t now. I was already too far gone. All that’s changed since then is age.
When I think back, I forget how fucked up and alienated I already was back then. Nobody could’ve saved […]
Either kill me or don’t but fucking pick one already. This building just to tear it down and rebuild again is fucking bullshit.
this is far from the first time, in fact it’s been happening for such a long time but i didn’t mention it: i keep telling myself to shut up but there is no voice. i know some people experience “voices” but its not that, it’s like someone is talking to me on mute, i don’t know what it is saying but i think maybe it’s me telling my thoughts to shut up, but i don’t know what i’m thinking either. feeling like something is foreign inside my head isn’t the first time either, the slight itch started yesterday, i don’t know, there’s something heavy and […]