i keep going in circles. i’m fine but i’m really not. so many things have changed in the last few months and i’m scared of the future. what i’ll do. who will i be? sometimes i think back to when i was younger. carefree. but now i’m not. i have really important exams coming up and it’s just too stressful.

I love music so I thought I’d make you a playlist.
You’ll probably never see it but thats ok, its not for you

Honestly some of these songs I question if I’m over-reacting.
But then I remember that I truly do want to leave, and that I truly do feel you won’t make that easy for me…..

I want to believe you. I want to believe this isn’t true….. but I wouldn’t spend my time crying alone if it wasn’t

(im probably not done adding to this)

Narcissist – Avery Anna
You’re Exhausting – Beth Crowley
Wolf in Sheeps Clothing – Set It Off
Wanted You Too – Hailey […]

Browsing this site I found an hour or 2 ago, it’s nice. Finally people who understand not being understood, who can come together in suffering and share their sorrow without agonizing pity but understanding of shared strife. I’ll stick around and talk to people, worth a shot anyhow.

Nothing else is working, doubt the pills ever worked in the first place. Plus the mental health system is so backed up I won’t get an opportunity to get a better understanding of my kind of struggles sooner than this site here.

Stranded without a way to die. I shouldn’t be allowed to live. Can i walk around in handcuffs and a sign on my head to let everyone know that I’m the one to blame? I want to die, I want to die, not that strongly, I’m a step away from losing the fight but I can’t make the step. I want to die I want to die I want to die. Nobody on this site responds at any of my things because I’m just that disgusting. I can’t maintain the facade, I can’t live my life relying only on the happiness of others I can’t […]

Picture a green earth. Life is easy and peaceful. No cars or dangerous gases. A home built nicely in a field. The house is decorated with all the colors. You have a farm. The animals are living humanely and food is plentiful. Your mind is clear and there is nothing that can go wrong. Your expanding at an enormous rate. Your engaged all the time and exhausted at the end of the day. You sleep the maximum hours and wake up refreshed and ready for more. It isn’t bad to say this just a dream. But dreaming can save your life when your in hell.

Don’t look at me.

Don’t respond.

Don’t listen to me.

You know how when you are young you decide on what you want to do in the future. Like how some people want to be doctors and save people’s lives, and some people want to be a youtuber and entertain. There are so many things’ people can dream about for the future and I can’t choice not one of them to make me happy. I know what I want and it’s constantly on my mind. It’s the thing that makes me stop crying and do what I have to do to get to this dream. It makes me so happy, just the idea already fills […]

i forget when i last posted here; most of my days lately go like that lol. it feels like i have things to get off my chest but honestly nothing comes to mind, kind of like someone put a blanket on top of everything that i just don’t have the strength to lift, which is frustrating.

lately i haven’t been sleeping much; honestly i don’t know why. i do feel lethargic and tired enough to sleep, but i just can’t. things look so confusing lately in my brain, it’s left me kinda disoriented.

it keeps getting more difficult, and i don’t know how to deal properly, much […]

This piece really touched me, so I thought I would share.

By:

Brandon Sanderson, “Rhythm of War” edited into storytelling format

“The Dog and the Dragon”

There is an inn, that you cannot find on your own. You must stumble across it on a misty street, late at night, lost and uncertain in a strange city.

The door has a wheel on it, but the sign bears no name. If you find the place and wander inside, you’ll meet a young man behind the bar. He has no name. He cannot tell it to you, should he want to—it’s been taken from him. […]

Overactive brain

I’m an rather energetic person. I always feel the urge to do something! I love exercising…i often feel a strong urge to indulge in exercise. I often have this feeling like i can run miles on end and still not feel tired afterwards! I’ve been exercising allot these last days to make sure i feel tired enough to get some decent sleep, yet im still full of energy.

I’m always full of ideas aswell. I love to create! My hobby is making music. I play the piano, guitar and write original songs. I’m a curious person. I’m always thinking about something that triggers my curiosity…usually […]

During an argument I wasnt home and texting him.

He repeatly said “come home so we can talk”

I said “no. I don’t feel comfortable talking in person. It takes me out of my comfort zone and gives YOU THE ADVANTAGE”

He still insisted on me coming home and refused to talk until otherwise.

You were informed you’d have an emotional advantage over me and you still refused to talk to me.

No…. This isn’t me…. And I’m done with your bullshit. I’m fucking done reading about gas lighting and trauma bonding and feeling like I fit perfectly….

I’m fucking done with you…

I dreamt of her again just now. It’s not about her though – it’s what she represents in my subconscious. In my mind she’s the only person who ever liked me enough to make it clear, again & again. No matter how low my self-esteem, I couldn’t ignore it. So when she shows up in a dream, I briefly remember what it felt like to be worth something to someone, to be accepted. For someone to see me and not see someone worthy of pity or scorn, but someone likable. All the fear and anxiety and loneliness recedes, and I want to live again. I […]

I want to change but I need to self destruct…

I always knew I’d choose my downfall over you. I could try and change but nothing will. I’ll pick the blade/bottle/joint back up. I’m not even sure if I can change my eating. Any food is a bad reminder.

But the biggest one of all… It’s too late. I have so much self hate. I can’t help it.

Self hate has to be the worse. I hate myself for everything and that just pushes me to continue to do it. I don’t want to get up just to fall back down

I know….

I thought it would go away if I stopped with the THC, but it isn’t. I dissociate from my body, I don’t feel like I belong to it.

It’s kind of like when I first wake up, and instead of taking the controls of my body, I burrow deeper into non-being.

Meanwhile, I feel undone/abstract in general. I got denied a job because I’m overqualified… and the employer didn’t believe me that other jobs in my field wouldn’t have me. It’s been two years, and it’s going to take me several more to seek out a more productive degree…. and what’s the point?! I don’t believe in […]

What would be considered an acceptable reason to kill one’s self. My life is not hard by any means. I was never abused or assaulted. I am in good health. My family is supportive in many ways. I do not go hungry nor am I homeless. I do not have many friends, but still have some. So at what point would it be considered acceptable to kill myself? I am lonely often. I am not satisfied in where my life is going career wise. I don’t feel like I’m anything. Where am I going? […]

I don’t feel well now.
So everything is going great. I’m doing very well at work. I live on my own, play videogames, jog once a week. I’m 37 and always been single, so you know the other thing some people like me don’t really talk about… i mean their dirty videos they watch. Everyone has there own tastes. I understand that. I can no longer find the videos that were available for purchase in 2019 and 2018! I have the 4k teasing video of ‘my crush.’ if you know what I mean. But hear me out. I didnt purchase the uhhh, ‘hardcore’ videos when […]

Today is my birthday and all I can think is “I would rather die than have another birthday.” I don’t want to get older when I feel like I’m not even living. The past 8 years it’s been one thing after another, I thought it would get easier but it really hasn’t. I’m not even finished my fucking bachelor’s degree, my health keeps getting in the way. I’ve been having a trauma response for the past 2-3 months, so I’m failing all of my courses which doesn’t get me anywhere closer to graduating. I get there’s more in life than school and work… But I […]

I have no rea reason to be posting. I’m not in any sort of trouble or pain or anything like that. Not out of the usual that is. I just don’t have any motivation. I feel nothing. I want nothing. That’s not true. I do want happiness, I just am not sure what that means. I’ve gone through the paces over a thousand times in my head and I never feel like I go anywhere. I always feel like I’m going in circles. What do I want? Why do I want what I want? […]

ever notice how every other disease has decreased over the centuries whether due to cures, technology, prevention or education? name any disease, polio, smallpox, bubonic plague, cholera, consumption, and  eventually the numbers go down. But not suicide. despite all the billions of $$ that have been sunk into suicide prevention, awareness, pharmaceuticals, antidepressants, therapy, the numbers keep going up.

isnt it clear by now? nothing helps. maybe its  because there’s nothing “wrong” with suicidal people. And you can’t fix a healthy person.

Oh but they’ll keep trying. as long as $$ keeps pouring in they’ll keep putting on a good show of trying. and covering their asses. […]

A hateful thing this life is.

I slam my head into the wall every time I see a pram, WTF! I want to scream at the couple.
Me: “Are you blind!” “Look around you! You like this shit!”
“Bills, tax, working for a pittance, people trying to take advantage of you at every turn, even your wife might leave you when you got no cash, your husband dessert you when the boobs drop, social obligations, misery misery in this grey cold shithole big city that smells like a 1887 bottle of vomit, Technology used against you, Zucked before you are born…” […]