I am done with this world
I am tired of this pain, this pain isn’t physical
but its driving me insane.
<3 -love,me
“You didnt notice, whats it matter?” Exactly that is what matters. The fact that you think you can get away with something just because i didnt notice. And the fact that that was just a lie, doesnt help.
You were protecting my ego?? Please, if i have an ego at all, it because of you. And you should have been more concerned about my trust issues, because i trusted nothing and questioned everything before. Idk if you can have a negative but id there can be a negative in this situation, you found it.
I had a nightmare. I had agreed and you had said you “knew […]
you say im not “too needy” but you just dont know. i mean how the fuck does someone say “pay more attention to me” without it coming off wrong.
i asked you to at least react, why havent you?
why do i even bother talking to you if youre not going to talk back?
i dont want any friends…. go away
I read this essay called “On Stress” by Gwern, which basically talked about how little it takes to actually survive and be okay. I’m not sure how accurate he is. But I think we overestimate how much we “need”. Right now, I feel really stressed with school, and I keep thinking, is this really necessary? I don’t want to be stressed, and I don’t need to be stressed. I’m not sure, because I still “feel” like I should continue to stay in school. I guess, it’s more like realizing, I have the choice of whether I want to stress out about school or not. And […]
I dont need some fucking asshole telling me about my emotions. Last i checked youre not me, how the fuck do you know who i hate and who i dont. Even better who the fuck are you to dictate who i hate and who i dont. I fucking hate people that try to tell me shit about myself. Just fuck off. Youre not me. And im positive if i tried to dictate your life that youd get pissed off at me so dont fucking dictate mine. Ill hate who i fucking want and youre on that list.
I’m stuck
I believe I’ve become the absolute worst version of myself that I could ever become. Without extremes but your worst normal.
And it’s not my fault. I’ve done everything to prevent it from happening but here I am.
Oh well. It’s not like it matters, does it?
i’m trying to write a personal statement to get into uni and i ask my dad for help. biggest fucking mistake ever. i was finding it hard to come up with the bullshit you’re meant to write on these things, like what i’m proud of, what interests me and all that crap. my dad ends up shouting at me telling me to write what i like, what’s interesting about me, BUT I DON’T LIKE ANYTHING. FUCK. ended up just walking away cause how the fuck can you expect someone with clinical depression to have a river of interesting facts about them and things they like […]
To start with… Extreme emotions. To me, it’s like no one else has emotions. Everyone’s so… Blah or meh about stuff. It makes sharing or talking difficult because I’m not getting the same energy in return so it feels like they don’t care. Even telling myself “it’s ok they do like it they just aren’t like you” doesn’t help much.
Then there’s the needy thing like I mentioned in another post. you haven’t messaged back. Why haven’t you messaged back yet!? And it doesn’t matter it’s only been a minute. They’re probably doing something, chill. But BPD doesnt care. It never cares. You can speak all the logic you want, […]
I don’t know how to open up. I’m not good at it, And its the reason I have not tried to get help again or reach out to those who care so I could have someone to talk to. The last time I saw a therapist I was about 19, had just dropped out of college, and I was in the worst shape (mentally) in my life. The only reason I managed to get into therapy was because I went to the doctor for my lack of sleep where they diagnosed me with insomnia and MDD and set me up with a therapist. Even then […]
Im getting old woohoo!
my philosophy about how much suffering we should endure is probably comparable to that of clive barkers cenobites ideas around it.
ive honestly seeked out death for myself
ive honestly seeked out a life for myself.
Im at my end. If i can’t die. i cant live. .
im 29years old so you listen hear youngens and old bastards alike: Keep kicking or dont. Expend every ounce of free will. Preserve it. or dont.
im not sick. I never was.
They can take me away but after years of frustratingly ordering my opinions about this matter.. And learning to enter/escape bigger hell holes: Lol no one can convince […]
Jesus Christ just a week ago I tried to off myself and now I got a new job. I thought this job would be fun and give me a reason or hope to keep living but it’s more or less of the same. It’s fucking exhausting and my anxiety level is at an eleven. I’m scared and weak and afraid I can’t do this and I should give up and just die. I’m wasting my youth, I have no idea where I’m heading in life and I’m a failure. I have a good soul and try so hard to be a good person but it’s […]
I’m going to do a psych eval soon, per my mother’s wishes. I’m— excited? Kind of? I’m happy that after three years I can finally rest easy and get these diagnoses. But I’m also, somewhat, scared? It’s understandable, the last psych eval I did ended in chaos — with me only getting a diagnose of unspec-anxiety and getting off with no therapy. My mother is slightly worried, but believes I’m “a-okay” and am just having a reaction to allergies (which makes. zero. sense in my book). I want to tell her that I’ve attempted eight times but I’m scared that if I do, she’ll disown […]
i’m pretty tired. life’s been quite rough lately. honestly i just want to actually feel like i’m talking to someone, since people are busy with their own lives.
when i was younger, sleeping and eating came so easily to me, i could sleep and eat whenever i felt like it with no issue. that’s honestly the only fact that made me realize i’m kinda going downhill lately lol. ate a little bit of cereal for breakfast since i wasn’t hungry but knew i had to eat /something/. then, a bit ago i though i should eat a snack but felt like throwing up as soon […]
the beginning of august last yea,r i had a suicide attempt, i had the gun in the fleshy part of my jaw beneath my head, andi pulled the trigger to just realize the safety was on. ive had 2 or 3 attempts but ive been feeling a fourth coming on, i missed a halloween party last night, i know how silly it sounds to be here for a hallowen party but there is constnatly shitty things going on, i missed the party becase of shitty planning with my friend and her friends. one of which had no way to contact either of us, i messaged […]
fuck, fuck.
I’m doing a bit better. I always have to keep that sentiment grounded; most days I mask pretty hard, to look like I’m doing well, when I’m just holding on…. not sure if that’s fair either. The point is, I got a very small amount of positive movement;
Friday I saw my prescribing doctor, and we collectively decided to introduce another anti anxiety, two days in I feel better mood wise.
I was able to hold it together for my wife’s birthday, important because her dad always lets her down, she needs my support more during holidays. This is in spite of a few awful moments that […]
If you put someone with schizophrenia on an island, they will still hallucinate.
If you put someone with BPD on an island, the symptoms will diminish significantly.
Why shouldnt i be alone??
Every now and then I get a little flash of memory – a small reminder of a long forgotten moment when I was someone completely different. All of this random shit is still lodged in my brain, but it’s mostly lost. It’s been archived, dumped in the recycle bin, and the links are gone. But the memories are still there, just waiting for a reminder.
It’s the strangest thing, having this random link to someone who long ago disappeared. He didn’t know any of what I know now. Had none of the worries or cares. He’d never felt despair, or even real sadness. He cried when […]
Good question.
I feel confined to be what you are, when really i am so much more.
But when i have to sit there and listen to you being a judgmental prick…. Its a little difficult to honestly feel like i can spread my wings.
I sit there and listen to you bash people that use discord and twitch….. But im one of those people. Youre insulting me.
Yeah, sure, i love you, whatever.
And you want me to fucking be open with you….