When you log in there is a box that you can check so that the browser remembers your password. I hate… my brain sometimes. I realized I didn’t check the box after I logged in and it hit me. Nobody cares really. NOBODY. I was suicidal for a long time and now that I’m not suicidal? I wish I was still suicidal. I hate life. I hate people. You offer friendship and free shit to MFs and people STILL use and abuse you! I’m the only person I know that’s still somewhat “decent” in the world.

I ask people shit all the time and I get […]

It’s hard to choose between the two. To endure life and the concept of simply existing or to die peacefully and end the endurance. Suicide is not what one chooses when someone is sad. Suicide is what one chooses when they are looking for a way out of pain, and none of their other resources are working. This is something I think about constantly. Existing (from my eyes) is dealing with irate customers at the host stand at my job. It’s flunking out of my freshman year of college because I didn’t go to class because I felt like my whole world was collapsing around […]

I am over fifty and instead of getting wiser in the past few years I have instead pretty much ruined everything with my stupid behavior as well as this damned depression that never really goes away.  For at least twenty years I have really wondered why I should keep on existing, but on the other hand, I am not brave enough to “do something rash.”  That is another failing, wanting to die but afraid to bite a bullet or jump in front of a train.  And I am even worried about what people would think of me for doing something like that.  So I keep […]

I know this is a cliche, but I think that if I had a significant other, it would makes thing a lot better. I feel like I just need someone to care about what I’m doing or someone to make me feel better and happy. Just someone exciting. And I think I may have found someone, but I’m still trying to figure out if I like him or if I’m just in love with the idea of being in love. I guess for now I can say that I’m infatuated by him. We’ll see what happens but, for now, I should probably consider having an actual […]

I want to cut, but I’m too lazy to go upstairs to get a razor.

As I sit here crying, in pain. My chest hurts and I feel like absolute shit. You lay there sleeping with not a care in the world for everything taking a toll on me. You say I push you. It’s always me. Always me pushing you. And maybe I do. Maybe I’m the reason for everything horrible that you blame me for. But as I sit here, I think about how much I want to tell you that you’re pushing me. I’m so near to giving up. I never felt so alone. I can’t go to you because you’ll judge me. You’ll tell me I’m […]

I MAKE EVERYTHING A JOKE. EVERYTHING. I EVEN JOKE ABOUT ME GETTING HIT BY A CAR LAST YEAR. I CAN’T BELIEVE MYSELF. IT’S NOT A JOKE, OKAY?! WHATS SO FUNNY ABOUT YOU CUTTING YOURSELF OR KILLING YOURSELF?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, POISON?! I hate myself so, so, so much. But I love you guys.

so here is a piece of my story that I’ve only told 2 people about….

As you can imagine I’m terribly nervous about doing this.

When I was 5 years old, my Great Uncle and Great Aunt came down to visit..

I never really liked my Uncle Jerry but this just gave me more of a reason to not like him. I remember that day like it was yesterday (when it happened 12 years ago) I was watching 101 Dalmatians the cartoon with him. We were sitting on the bed and I was wearing sweatpants and a green turtleneck. It was right around Christmas that year. I went […]

Ellen is spontaneous, outgoing, kind of overbearing at times- but that is what make her so fun to be around- she’s always thinking of things to do and places to go. I, on the other hand, am awkward, shy and rather painful to be around due to a inconvenient addiction to poking people. I have sort of formulated it in to a language.

Through out my life, social ineptitude has been quite detrimental and has never failed to ruin important social encounters, it’s surprising I ever managed to acquire a boyfriend; my friend Ellen managed to conjure several relationships and buckets of friends. She has this […]

I’m just tired.
I’m just sad.
I’m just angry.
Today at school, some Christian told me i wasn’t going to heaven. Just because i don’t believe in Jesus. I do believe in God, though. But she doesn’t seem to understand that. Then after that, a friend of mine told me she had gone to the guidance office with one of my other friends. Extremely concerned on what happened, i asked why. They told me, it was for me. Some “preps” were talking about me behind my back, during gym today. They were saying that me and my girlfriend weren’t really in love, that we were […]

I try to scream out for help. But how can they help me from my own thoughts. So they drift away from me like I’m a freak.

Back during my Freshman year of high school (I’m now a junior) I was really close friends with this gay guy in my drama class named Josh. He moved away that same year and we had our struggles keeping in touch, but he started collage last year and completely shut me out and stopped talking to me… It really hurt me because I had feelings for him for a while (yes I knew he was gay). We helped each other through things, he knew what it was like to be suicidal and struggle with self harm so we hit it off right away and became […]

My dream started in scattered fragments. Pieces of a world that had yet to form. A story yet to unfold. People and places were established, and the curtains drawn.

I found myself in this dream of which I had little understanding, and although I could not comprehend it, I wasn’t confused. The events of the dream took place around me, and I obliviously interacted with them. Little did I realize the relevance of the things that happened. The foreshadowing of the nightmare to come. If only I had the ability to recognize the signs, perhaps I could have prevented it from spiraling out of control.

There was […]

I found these well going through the documents on my Ipad…  I know they probably aren’t any good so I just decided to post them on here, at least then I’ll be using them for something.  Again, sorry if they are total crap I wrote them when I was really upset and struggling and yeah…

When I’m Alone

When your around, my face is empty of emotion

When they surround me, I only show the lies that they want to hear

When I’m alone?

When I’m alone is when the truth comes out

When I’m alone the tears last forever

When I’m alone the darkness never ends

When I’m alone I’m weak

When I’m […]

Don’t know what “set me off” but now I really don’t want to wake up tomorrow. Maybe God will answer me this time.

Until then I’m going to blast the fuck out of some angry music and hope night time rolls around quickly so everyone goes away and I can have my blade. Dammit what’s wrong with me

She felt alone inside her mind. It was her darkness that consumed her, she never had the switch to turn on the light. It’s that kind of gleam, that is seen in the eyes of the happy. She craved for it, ever since was 11 when she realize everything is a mess. Happiness has been her birthday wish every year. On her 16 birthday, she didn’t wish for a car, it was to be happy like before. Her friends never knew that she was depressed and suicidal. It was like she was in her own play. She does her hair, makeup and costume to act […]

I guess life never was that lively after all.
Everything feels so strained and useless.
I drag dulling razors over my skin, just for a taste of existance. Just to fucking feel. I need to know I’m still alive. I’m breathing but decomposing inside. I cannot see any point anymore. Better off taking some asprin and cutting in the bath. Because I’m completely over all this. I’m over blood clots, I’m over this numb base line seeping farther and farther each night, I’m so fucking over all of it.

Sidenote: This will be cross posted on Reddit.

Like many of you, life has slowed from a run to a crawl. I’m 18 years old. For many reasons ranging from my intelligence(or lack thereof), my family and my looks, I’m warming to the possibility of killing myself sometime in the near future. The main reason I suppresses my suicidal tendencies is because of, you guessed it, my parents. They’ve worked inconceivably hard to allow us to live as comfortably as we do, or as they do. I’m not going to lie to you all, I’d be considered upper-middle class in the American Northeast, with tuition fully payed […]

Today i mocked some begging and i am feeling quite confident. How i will approach them, how i will stand there without saying a word, how i won’t look towards the content but only towards the giver when they put something in my bowl. Its the blessing giving part i have trouble with. I have low pitch/hoarse/unclear voice. They won’t be able hear specific words if i bless them in lower tone. Saying blessings loud won’t suit the calm, quiet nature i presented earlier. Normal saying won’t do because he afterall did a favor to me, how i can return it without showing some difference […]