What happens after we die ? I wonder. Am I gonna find myself in a beautiful village with habitants full of love attention who would care for me when I’m sick, be happy for me when I succeed, accompany me in the worst times. We would laugh together about silly jokes, eat every meal together, play outside and take care of Farm animals. The view from our house would be breathtaking and everyone would get along. But most importantly, I would have forgotten everything,, every little bit of abuse, self hatred and abomination from this current life. I really hope this heaven awaits me for […]

I dont understand why I am here if all I can do is suffer and cause damage.

Am I supposed to spend the rest of my life hoping for a new start to every day, whilst fucking up every single day by not being the best person, mother, daughter, girlfriend or friend? Am I supposed to want to hurt myself so bad every single day? Why am I here if I feel like I hate myself so much and want to be put in the fucking ground? If I have the logic that some people are bad and should just die, doesnt that include myself? I […]

Life has become two dimensional, for lack of a better term. Its surreal and dreamlike. I definitely feel like I’m just going through the motions with no sense of purpose or direction. I recite this affirmation – ” I am guided in my every step by spirit who leads me to what I must know and do.” I’m pretty sure I believe it, maybe its because I’ve seen evidence of positive change in the past when I put my mind to creating it. But then again maybe its only me thats been responsible for it, by my actions. Regardless. Whatever. Well, its time to clock […]

I always have so much to say, but now I can’t. I’ve explained myself a thousand times. May my words be as empty, as my life.

I honest to god don’t know how much longer I can take it anymore. Life from my birth to 16 has been awful: watching my mom almost die, groomed and attempted molestation from my brother, watching my mother try to kill herself daily by overdosing, my dad choosing women over me, school abuse, the list goes on. I can’t go into detail without writing a novel’s worth. When 2020 came….that January I finally looked into my mother’s death after five, going on six years. And it solidified something I wanted to do in life: be an autopsist. I studied my heart out into anatomy and […]

Hey suicide project, its me again. I have been on and off of this website for the worst part of 5 years and every time i think “ah that will be my last post” i always end up coming back. You see, problems never seem to go away and my bipolar never seems to let them go away. A small insignificant problem can really manifest itself in my life where my mental illness and poor coping habits seem to come back with a vengeance.

So lets get into todays problem, shall we? Well you see I am heartbroken, like heart ripped out of my chest […]

…is to not reproduce. Some lucky human or humans will never have to endure this crap. “Oh but think of all the joy and beauty and life and love they’re going to miss…”

Ahhh shut up.

Tomorrow I am going to my last ECT session.  I don’t feel like it has helped at all.  I don’t think I have anything left to try.  I’m going to give it a couple of months, probably until my birthday in September.  I just don’t have any reason to believe I have the power to change my life.  I’ve tried so many things and I just can’t get any relief.  I’ve done my best, it just isn’t good enough.

It’s a kind of a mindfuck, being guilty of something where you can’t know the consequences. I suppose the closest comparison would be repeatedly drunk driving and not knowing whether you’d ever hit anyone. Though it’s somehow both far worse and much less direct than that. On the one hand, it’s hard to believe that what I’ve done had any real effect on anyone else. I can construct chains of causation where my actions played a role in ruining someone else’s life. But it’s hard to take them seriously. It’s all hypothetical. I don’t really feel the guilt. What I feel is closer to shame. […]

So tired of my broken life
So tired of always struggling
So tired of “waiting for good things to happen”
So tired of my broken mind
So tired of always being depressed
So tired of always being alone
So tired of it all

Why does my life constantly have to be an uphill battle?
Why can’t I have a nice happy relaxing life for once?
It’s been decades so no, the “good things will happen soon” crap everyone is always saying just isn’t going to happen. When will it happen? Probably when I die.
It seems a nice happy relaxing life just isn’t ever going to happen. Sigh.

Her tears are empty

Very existance meaningless

People have broken her

Nothing but a shell filled with darkness

Thoughts jaded

Hatred so deep it makes toxic fumes

Alienating everyone around her

Makes them question how life really is

Humans killing the human spirit

Makes death seem like a dream come true

We no longer desire to thrive

Diving into the abyss head first

Embrace the hate

There is no good

Where’s the god ive heard of

He aint in this hood

What if satan ruled the world?

There is no what if, because satan, he is you.

(Disclaimer: sorry if it doesnt make sense or is horrible. My therapist wanted me to write a poem and i hadnt written 1 since like 2003 […]

As I come to grasp that I’ve had depression since I was a child

As I come to grasp the cruel joke god has played on me

I can’t have kids because they’ll jut be as fucked up as me

Why am I even here

Things seem to be starting to go good for me. But im worried about bein happy n optimistic because feelin that way jinxes me and 2 bad things follow thru and set me back like 4 steps.

Seriously wonder what i did in a former life that made me live this cursed 1. Im honestly lookin forward to not bein homeless anymore but this move into this apartment is takin too long. Already been waiting 1 month n 3 wks. Living off fast food and gas station convenient foods/microwave meals has caused me to gain alot of weight cuz of high sodium/carb count. But its cheap […]

there is this guy I’ve liked for basically a year, recently things have gone downhill. we don’t talk as much and he gets annoyed at me easily. i really don’t want to lose him but i don’t want to force him to stay. idk what to do
i miss how things used to be with him

I wonder if death is the answer to all life’s problems

So sad because of the way things are

When I was young, I was always treated as the ugly duck, people would tell me I look like a witch with my nose, say the my face is too masculine and ask why I have this big of a nose. Even this year , some girls  told me that they wouldn’t recognize me without a mask. I didn’t understand what they meant by that( I had a crush on one of them). Then recently I was hanging out with some girls and I told them that I found one guy very attractive. They encouraged me to go talk to that person and one of […]