just want to rant here. i wish someone could beat me to death cuz i do not deserve to be on this planet. Who decided to give me life anyway? My mother? Hell she should have gone to the hospital and abort me.  Cuz I guess I was a pure accident.  She should have adopted a puppy, that way, her incapacity to raise and take care of kids wouldnt have harm anyone.  Im alone, live alone.  No boyfriend cuz hell, even myself I wouldnt wanna date a depressed miserable chick like me.   I didnt ask to come to life,  therefore, I can do whatever […]

Ever since I can remember I have never been happy, I have always plastered on a smile to easy other peoples minds, to make it seem like I’m not bothered by my small wasted life. I’m drained, for years I have been fighting off suicidal thoughts but now it’s getting to hard, I don’t want to die, it will fuck up my family and friends but at the same time I can’t hold on for much longer, nothing I do helps, I go to every doctor to get anti depressants  I’m scared of doing it, I’m scared of not doing it and living I’m scared […]

I tried I really did but in the end everyone just abandons me, guess that’s what I get for surrounding my self with selfish people. I think Saturday night will be perfect im going to end this pain. I know theres a few good friends that will truly be hurt but in the end I think they already knew I was suffering way to much. As for the rest fuck em I hope they feel like shit, personally Id rather them not care because they never really cared at all. You see some people deal with emotional pain or physical pain I have both, I […]

So I mentioned in my giant self absorbed rant last week that I had a date set up for Monday (yesterday).  Anyway, pretty funny story.  I didn’t really want to go, not that I was nervous but we just didn’t really click when we spoke.  Anyway, we said we’d meet late on Monday and she’d text me letting me know where to meet her.  So Sunday I left my phone in my car while I was at a get together.  When I came back to it, this is what I saw (word for word):

Girl (Message 1) 6 PM: “I can’t make it on Monday but […]

I said I’m fine.

I really meant I’m not fine, please help me.

I said I’m just tired.

I meant I can’t take this anymore.

I said I already ate.

I meant I am starving.

I said go away.

I meant show me you care enough to stay.

I said I’m just cold.

I meant I didn’t want you seeing the scars.

I said I was better.

I meant I have never been this bad.

I said I’m okay.

I meant I want to die.

God exists in man

Men created in one image of a singular god

A god all surrounding

Granting man one singular gift in life

This is the image of evil

For the last 6 months I’ve been suicidal…

If I ever commit suicide there are a couple of things I want to accomplish first…

1 become a professional artist (right now I draw in an anime/manga style really good

2 fall in love (once) maybe twice if I’m lucky…

3 go to Japan (maybe Tokyo or Kyoto, or Osaka or Hokkaidō)

4 Become Atheist or Christian (currently I’m an agnostic theist and kind of Buddhist)

5 earn some money

6 buy a motorcycle or a nice car

8 maybe rent an apartment (a really nice one)

9 become healthy (have a healthy heart, have a healthy mind)

10 ‘attempt’ to kill myself first and see […]

I don’t really try to be. It fucking sucks that I have to be around people who usually would make me feel better, and not feel better.

Stop hating yourselves for a moment…

Now, get used to doing that a lot.

You feel more than most people. You are the normal one. Your home, your community, your “world”, does NOT have to end in tragedy. The planet survived ‘the dark ages’ , and I suggest you survive yours.

Don’t let those bastards win.

I hate having a scientific mind, it’s like I can’t have a normal life because I’m thinking of things along the lines of “I feel like we are made of nothing, the whole concept of how we live life and how we sleep is unexplainably weird. We have eyes, mouths and ears.. We are walking limps.” It all sounds funny but it gives me this really nasty hopeless feeling. Trapped in my mind kinda thing. I wish I could think what normal people think but I’ve bypassed that mentality long ago. I’m living for my family and boyfriend in whom I love dearly. […]

Okay, so nearly six months ago, I was extremely lucky to find an awesome girlfriend. She’s beautiful, smart, funny, caring, the lot. But, she has a few major shortfalls. One: she can’t deal with my depression or bi-polar very well at all. Two: she shuts down when I try to talk to her (I.E. she tries incredibly hard to either swap topic or turn it into something else) and three: she doesn’t like the fact that I smoke (she fucking hates it more than I hate me).
Anyways, I very rarely see her these days because her schoolwork is absolutely ridiculous. She’s only in year […]

Why? Why is it that I feel useless? Why is it that people always find it so incredibly easy to leave me behind? I really don’t understand why I could possibly be so fucking useless and so hopeless that opening my eyes of a morning is the first and worst mistake I make of the day.
People always say “It’s a phase; you’ll grow out of it” or “You’re not really that sad, are you?” or, my personal favourite “I understand, you will be fine”
I wont be fine. I wont grow out of it. I am really that sad. It is such a challenge […]

my arms are starting to burn again. last night i was trying so hard not to break down and cut. instead i layed in my friends from yard on a weeping willow and closed my eyes. i guess thats strange. oh well. i was playing with my lighter last night and burned my hand. my friend noticed and said it smelled like burning flesh… oops.

I want to know whether people actually share the same perspective of life like mine. Open for discussions. No arguments please, I respect all your opinions. I just want to know how many thinks the same way, I dont try to impose anything. Thank you.

1. After a while of trying and failing, you start wondering if the problem is your own self.

2. The God of this human world is money.

3. Humans are all trash. They say good things, say they love and care, but then they lie, they scheme, they betray, they backstab. Humans try to blame it on the evil but THEY are the […]

Suicidal people can not help each other.

people who are suicidal do not care about the world or the people in it.

there is no point in caring about others

save yourself

Why did I have to spend all my money before my attempt? Now I have to put on an act until I have enough money for another helium tank :'( …at least I know where I went wrong!

There’s not a moment where I think about killing myself/committing suicide. I’ve already tried twice, but I couldn’t do it. I tried to drown myself in the tub. The water was just about up to where my head was at. I put my face/wash towel over my face so I couldn’t breath at all. Then I laid back in the water. I started thinking what if I really did just kill myself right here and now? Would anyone care? I’d finally be free of pain and torment. I doubt I’m going to heaven, if it’s even real. I’m an atheist. Just as I […]

so more came out.  along with the paying whores for the last seven years he had multipul e mail accounts and was sending messages back and forth with people was on tons of sex sites chat sites dating sites getting naked pics from people jerking off to anything anyone any fucking whale or old lady who sent him shit. pretending he was this black guy with a HUGE ungodly moster penis. OMG.. unreal… my life seems so unreal.. like a awful fucking joke.. and I know he has a addiction problem and he is gonna get help but then there is other shit …apparently my […]

Am I wrong for saying if people want to hurt/ kill themselves it’s okay? o – o

Like I understand if your crying out for help and want to change that’s okay, and I’ll even try to help.

Because if you were really going to kill yourself you wouldn’t say anything… or at least I wouldn’t…

Any ways It wouldn’t matter what people say.. but if your really trying and looking for a reason not to do it message me on my email and I’ll talk to you I will be there for you.

Sorry to the people that will be & were,  “Butt-Hurt.” By my thoughts.

If you are […]

2 weeks ago I told my sister I don’t like boys and that I kind of like girls she said that it’s an abomination to like the same gender and it isn’t ‘natural’ and said she was against it and asked why would I even like girls and said if I were to die today I would most likely go to hell (she’s Christian) she said I need to go to church (I’m not that religious) she also said if I were to tell my dad that I like girls he  would most likely stop talking to me he said he’d rather his daughter be […]