I’m supposed to stop self harming. I’m supposed to stop thinking about bad things. But I went and thought again too much. Now I want to hurt myself, and I can’t. There’s nothing here to do it with. I smell the blood I want to see drip.

So, ive been trying to make an ‘awareness video’ about recovery and relapse and how HARD it is. I feel as though many people forget about you once you say that you’re in recovery and they forget that even though you dont go and talk to someone once however often that you still do struggle. I just wanted to basically put out there that there needs to be more support and awareness for people in recovery and those who relapse. So anyhow point is I’d like other people to put their imput in and possibly talk about their story (on or off camera because it […]

Uppydate. Uppydate.

I want to die.

I don’t know what to do.

Uppydate. Uppydate.

No reasons to live.

I’m sure you do too.

Uppydate. Uppydate.

Nothing to say.

Been the same.

Uppydate. Uppydate.

Going to drown.

Or blow

Out.

My

Brain.

I have been growing my viking beard for a few months, everyone compliments me on it. I originally grew it out of depression but now I like it. So strange, I just wanted to look different, apart from the masses and now people look at me like i have courage or something, like i know something they don’t. Well I don’t. They think I’m happy and unique when really i am angry and depressed. I wanted to be left alone but now people want to talk to me. No one impressive talks to me. I am very dissatisfied with life. I feel like no one […]

Today sucks, I completely freaked out today and I was very angry. Angry on myself, on the world, on my sister, on my parents, on the stupid weather, on everything. But mostly on myself. Directly after or actually during my angerexplosion I went to my room, jumped into my bed and started to hit myself. On my wrists, my chest and my shin. After that I still were angry, so I decided I needed more pain. Grabbed my knife and started cutting. After a while I had stopped and my mother walked into my room. She asked some things and I had to cry… After […]

There’s no fancy title today, unlike the Wrecked-It-Domino parody I did of Wreck-It-Ralph last update post.

Lo siento.

But anyways, tomorrow starts the week long vacation from my computer. I’m trying to make some VERY big decisions in my life currently. Mainly, the male I’m with (Yes, MALE, not female, homophobics.) currently is going away. The thing is.. For 2 years he’s been with a young lady in Conneticut, a long distance relationship. She’s going over to his home for the next 6-7 days. For 6 months, he’s been with me as well. I’m now allowed to see him until I’m 18, or get my liscense (won’t […]

Its funny

only people that are known on this site get replys

i know im feeling really sorry for myself at the moment

BUT WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE THE FUCKING SAME

UR NO DIFFERENT TO EVERYONE ELSE

FUCKING HELL.

I know i will completely regret this tomorrow as i just drank a whole bottle of wine stuff and it doesnt take me much to get drunk. I dont even really know why i’m writing this. I dont even see why anyone would ever possibly give a single fucking shit about any of my shittly little life. like a lot of posts this will probably get no reply. and i always feel sorry for the people that get no replys but i never reply to them i just wish in my head that i could, but nothing would ever be good enough to say anythign […]

Went to get the car. As soon as it was driven off the lot, it died. The car salesman was with me. I told him not to worry about it, I was planning to kill myself soon and this was just a small bump in the road compared to the rest of my life. He looked a little scared and did not know what to say. They put in a new battery while I waited in a fetal position on the sofa in their office, occasionally getting up to bum cigarettes.

It has rained…poured down rain…for days and days….every drop is like another stab in the […]

Life has gotten oddly in agreement with me lately. I have no idea why, though. It may be because my relationship with my bf has lasted 2 months so far, I have been cutting a  lot less lately, but i still do it. I recently decided to try some vodka from my house and that was something that i know wont become a habit, being under my parents thumbs all the time. I try so  hard not to explain everything about myself to my friends  so they’ll finally understand to an extent what it’s like to be me. but they wont.

Scars-Papa Roach

I will not bow- […]

There has been some discussion on why using a gun is not effective and painless. As a person who has worked in a medical field, I can tell you…I have seen people who did not die after being shot in the head…One guy shot himself twice and still lived. The life you have after living through a couple of bullets to the head is much more miserable than whatever life you have now. So I would suggest not using a gun.
Also, if you are under age 30, I would wait it out and try to get some treatment for depression. Try to get some […]

Everyones depressed. Everobes hates their life Soooo much, yet they won’t do anything about it. They claim to know everything about anything to do with death. The symptoms on depression. E-v-e-r-y-tt-h-I-n-g. Yet they can’t get it through their thick skulls that guess what? People actually die. They kill themselves over things like that. And it’s not funny, or sonthong to claim to give a fuck about….sorry guys it had to be said

Officially today, 17JAN13, I am out of the Navy. Medically discharged due to two suicide attempts while on deployment.

I don’t really have much of a plan now, except go home, achieve my goal of becoming stunningly beautiful, and either A) do a lot of drugs and ‘accidentally’ OD again or B) get hit by a semi truck.

i tell her that i need to go to a different school, a school where there are only a few people so if anything only those few could pick on me. but she won’t let me leave this one. she says life is full of obstacles and people who won’t like you and people who you won’t like either. stay in this school so you’re prepared. well hey, does the “real world” consist of nobody liking you? does the “real world” consist of thoughts of suicide? does the “real world” push you to the fucking edge? did you try to kill yourself because the “real world” ended up just like school?

in the hopes and pursuit of love, even a damaged and broken love, where is the line between determined devotion and the space, time and distance needed to be able “miss” someone.

basically, i am unable to think clearly because my heart is in so much pain. i want to reach out every day and try my hardest to prove i won’t give up on her… on “us” really, but she has to be able to miss me too.

how do i ardently pursue her, and at the same time allow her to feel my absence enough to wish me to return?

any thoughts from any one would […]

Suicide, violence and mass murderers.

With all the school and theater shootings in the news today and the other
mass murders being attempted by mentally unstable people, now is not a good
time to admit it to mental health or law enforcement personnel that you are
considering suicide
Those violent unstable ( shooter) bastards make it hard for
nice nonviolent people to commit suicide or at least talk about it. The
majority of the public, in today’s environment immediately assume that if
you are serious about suicide then you will automatically try to commit mass
murder before taking your own life. They want you […]

i dont have any friends, i have people who i go around with at school, but i feel like im just hanging about like a bad smell.one girl is constanly falling out with everybody, and outcasting them, sending them horrible messeges and the afew days later forgets all about it. its happened to me afew times but somehow iv always wriggled my way back into the group. i get so paranoide about this, wondering when it will happen next. if i dont speak to her im left out of my social group and some friends i really like dont speak to me. i cant just make new […]

I haven’t been online here for a very long time, you guys. And I am having trouble getting online at all lately, because of the oncoming exams. I’m sorry, but I probably can’t come here often anymore. I will take a small hiatus from this site and other sites in general.

You can always email me, though, and I’ll try to help you. 🙂 When I’m online, that is…

Other than that though; I’m doing fine at the moment. I’m a bit stressed about the exams, but I’m doing fine. And since I’m on this site, I feel the need to add that I will not kill […]

My Ultimate Downfall

Written By: Markus Jolley

Here I am mourning at her tomb,

As I weep, my tears hit the ground,

 As I weep, my hate starts to consume,

Of love lost or of love found.

 I Looked up to the stars and asked God why,

I Loved her, and then you, God, you took her away!

Why did this happen, why did she need to die?

I can’t deal with this; it gets harder each and every day.

 So I’m alone now, weeping silently in the night,

 I did everything […]