The final nail in the coffin has been set. My advisor said there was no funds. Getting grant money was especially hard this year. I knew it was coming. I’ve been saying it’s been coming. But it still hurts. That last thread of hope has finally snapped. I will never go back to WPI. On top of that work today was just miserable. One shitty thing after another. Went by fast though. I guess that’s something.

Now I’ve really set my sights on studying abroad. Trying to get into a PhD program […]

Ever notice how the news media “normally does not report on suicide cases unless there is a significant Public Issue” but the minute there’s a pretty young blonde girl who kills herself, especially if they can dig up photos of her cleavage, all the news outlets scramble to put her on the front page?

If you’re curious, just go to google news and type in suicide.

It’s so disgustingly hypocritical and shamelessly exploitive that it makes me want to jump off a flagpole. But I’m neither a girl nor blonde nor sporting cleavage so they’d just hose me off the pavement and carry on.

They say when you’re about to kill yourself you don’t say anything to anyone. I haven’t realized how close I’ve been for the last few weeks until i talked to my therapist. I’ve been so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed. Everything has seemed so hard. I’m constantly sick and my head is exploding. Living is getting harder and harder but i get up, take a shower and go to work. Smile and hang out with my friends, make my clients feel beautiful and then i go home and think of all the ways it would be better if I wasn’t alive.

When my therapist […]

Well, that crazy mf was right after all. Who knew that the crazy Pizzagate story was ACTUALLY TRUE? That this world is run by a cabal of corrupt pedophiles? The Epstein emails actually had tons of references to pizza and grape soda, wtf and smfh.

Every big name was part of Epstein’s circle- from Prince Andrew to Bush, to Bush jr, to Clinton, to Trump, to Bill Gates, to heads of states, to many world leaders, etc. Almost every big name person you can think of- all part of it. Melania Trump included. And Erika Kirk is also tied to […]

Heh- Didn’t even realize today was Friday the 13th. I have chronic bad luck so I suppose it’s “Friday the 13th” for me every day.

Anyone else have unnaturally bad luck in life?

@heartless- Today seems like your kind of day since you love horror flicks. You should go watch a classic tonight :p

I just feel like nothing matters anymore.

Half way through the work week. Two more days. I complained earlier to myself that the weeks were going by too fast. That I was becoming too comfortable with it and thus will become complacent. That flipped pretty quick. Last week or so has been so god damn slow. Like painfully slow. I can really feel the 12 hours in my shift. I count down the hours. Break them down into minutes and then seconds. Try to calculate the percentage of the day left. The percentage of the week left. I debated which […]

If anyone is into true crime, and loves to see rich ppl killing each other, then this is the documentary / TV series for you. :p

It brings me “joy” to see assholes killing each other. Some of these episodes, I find myself rooting for the killer lol

@heartless- you might like this series. It was free on YT

It is hosted by this flaming gay dude with a very eccentric (loud) wardrobe, to say the least. Dude gets bashed over in comments than anything else in the show lol. Which I kinda enjoyed and missed when they got rid of him and replaced him with a […]

If I could beat 1 delusion out of the mental health profession, it’s the stupid idea that “every suicide is preventable”

That’s like saying “every murder is preventable” or “every war is preventable”. Face it, all of these types of death–suicide, murder, war–are part of what it means to be a human. So any fool claiming to reduce suicide to 0 is as silly as some teen beauty pageant where they say “my dream is world peace”. Sure, exterminate all humans and then you’ll have 0 suicide, 0 murder and 0 wars.

So if we accept that suicide is just something that hits a certain percentage of […]

What are some good books written by people who killed themselves?

I’m halfway through “It’s Kind of a Funny Story” by Ned Vizzini who killed himself in 2013. It’s about his suicide attempt and lockup in a mental ward when he was 15. Good book, breezily written but it touches on moments of deep psychology, and anyone who’s also been locked will find it immediately relatable.

Couple months ago I posted about “By the Time You Read This” by Cheslie Kryst who was Miss USA 2019, a lawyer, tv host, model, activist. Jumped off a building in 2022. The book isn’t specifically about her mental health but […]

Living in an old ass run down house means having the pipes burst and having no water – can’t shower, can flush toilet, can’t use sink. Yet fucking again. The pipes have frozen and burst 3x in the last 3 weeks.

And for all the people that say “money isn’t important” – fuck you. I hate those mfers. They have never been poor, are tone deaf, And have no clue how much struggles the poor go through every single day.

I know it’s too late but I should have never moved here. My health has suffered so much since I’ve gotten here. And once your health […]

Yet another couple-y holiday coming. After a whole bunch of family holidays during November and December. Ugh.

Life only celebrates those who already are on top- first, those born to good parents, which pretty much sets up life for the child.

If you watch every documentary on serial killers, 95% of them were born either to poor, or to shitty, abusive or emotionally unavailable parents. Usual both poor AND abusive. People who start off life at -10, rarely get a break in life and do well. Economically nor romantically.

Anyhow- Who else is single and alone?

It’s been a while since I’ve posted here in this website. Last time I’ve posted was September 2023. Now, it’s February 2026. I’m 43/M from Indonesia. People might look at me on the surface from the outside that I’m ‘okay’. That’s how shallow, superficial, & fake this world, society, & people are. Nobody really/truly cares about how/what I think/feel deep down inside. In reality, I’m just a loser/failure, especially in today’s ‘capitalistic’ world/era. I’m just a sad, pathetic, useless sack of meat who’s just better not exist. If only there’s an easy way to disappear. If only Thanos’ finger snap was real. If only the […]

Thought I’d share some funny videos:

Food Truck (3min):

(Will list more videos later)

1- Don’t you just love it when you call your cell phone company, get a CSR who tells you one thing, then you call again bc he sounds stupid, only to get another CSR who also sounds stupid, but she says the exact OPPOSITE of what the previous guy said to the SAME questions.

So now 1hr later, I still don’t have any answers to any of my questions. -_-

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2- I haven’t had ice cream in months, but WHY do these mf’s NEVER put any ice cream INTO the damn cones? Anyone who grew up in the 80s or 90s would remember […]

i’m getting nowhere.  why is it that i don’t hold onto the things i experience and people i talk to? it’s like everything passes through me, i don’t absorb anything, i am hollow. it’s a struggle to produce a thought.

on friday a girl at work said she doesn’t want to work in the same room as me because i’m boring, the guy she was talking to chuckled. safe to say that no one wants to be around me. idk what it is about me that makes people not start a convo with me, on some occasions i’ve put the effort in to try to start […]

Is anyone else enjoying her getting publicly dragged?

When she first came out to the limelight, and the very first time I saw her speak in those videos, at the memorial and the creepy one where she’s whispering to his chair – I knew she was a fake ass shit. But at that time, ALL the commenters and MAGAs were ALL vigorously and vocally defending her saying “Everyone grieves differently. “. Which is bs bc she is anything but a grieving widow. It was obvious to me from day one.

It’s satisfying to FINALLY see the public turn on her bc she is SO obvious […]

This showed up on my feed lol. I guess YT Algorithm thinks I’m morbid (which I am)

If you’re into morbid YT vids:
(This is only Animated stick figure)

“What dying from every type of poison feels like:”

-“Everything happens for a reason”
-“it’s God’s will”
-“it is what it is”

-writes “grabs popcorn” to everything

-“let that sink in” as if your sentence was so profound that it needs a few moments to digest.
-ppl who write out “Period” at the end of a sentence as if that makes them and their sentence more important. No, it’s just annoying.

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What phrases annoy you?

There’s a horror/dark comedy show called Happy! that I finally got to purchase on Amazon that really shaped a lot of my philosophy about death, or at least the way I’ve been thinking about intentional death lately. In the second season they have an episode called “Friend of Death”, because they are setting up a little girl to assassinate a kids show host, but you can’t kill someone straight out the gate as an innocent person, you have to make a friend of death. So they have one of the darker characters take the little girl out and help her kill someone.

It’s just something that’s […]