I will be gone by the end of September. The only thing I an unhappy about missing is a TV show. Oh, yeah I definitely have a lot to live for. A tv show.

It just goes to show what a loser I am.

to be here, even though being here is the one thing I don’t want

they want me to stay here so they don’t have to question, maybe change their opinions on life and death

suicide acts as a brutal wake-up for others and people want to stay cosy in their beds of “life can’t be discouraging to the point of giving up on it”, “God has a purpose for everyone” etc

I don’t want to accomplish nor have to prove anything

I’m not interested in socializing and I can’t stand routine .. how can I survive in society with this state of mind ?

also, I bother less and less […]

I have a great night planned tomorrow night.  Basically, it’s a trial run of my last couple of hours here.

First up, I’ll be having a KFC Zinger Burger.  I know it’s not the most glamourous last meal.   But, the humble Zinger burger is in my Top 10 Favourite Foods, so it’ll do the job.  I may even get a piece of Original Recipe to go with it.

Then, I’ll be going to the spot that I mentioned a few weeks back.  I’ll sit there for a while and contemplate everything and nothing.

Finally, I’ll continue what I started on Sunday, and experiment with self-strangulation. I hope to […]

Feeling completely unwanted and unloved. I have nobody in my life who really cares. Not family, not really friends. Every day I go to work, and I wonder why am I still alive. Who am I bringing all this money to? Just me. Everybody I get close to, I end up losing in the end. There is like this barrier around me, keeping love away from me, even though I welcome it with open arms. My method is very easy, and could do it right now. My life has no meaning to it. I’m just here. I keep waiting for an angel to walk into […]

Cry me a river all your pain will wash away
Drowning in your sorrows at the end of each day
Looking for your sun who will brighten your life
Being in a battle at the end of each night
Flowing tears falling to the end of the ground
Crying with your dignity, dying with no sound
Curdled up in the corner lost and not found…
Deep in silence screams the truth.

I found myself in a place where I don’t have any point to live.. I am alone, no friends, nothing to do, no skills.. I don’t see myself being happy one day.. And I know It’s all my fault. I am just existing right now, and I know someday I will take my life away.,,

Ok I’m not good at sharing my feelings but it comes to a point when you have to I guess. I found this site with a google search on how to disappear and I figured what could it possible make worse for me.

A lot of things have happened to me in my life that, as I see it now, are pretty shitty but they never used to hold me down. My mother killed herself when I was about 4 years old and the image of finding her there on her bed is burned into my memory, A terrible father that pursued his own ventures while […]

Well, I guess I’m not ban-worthy. sigh. I probably should stick around, anyway. Last night was just really bad. I spent hours writing about my life but when I posted it, I got zero responses, despite other people posting and commenting after my post. It just really made me feel stupid for thinking anyone would care about my middle-class white ass.

To the one I helplessly watch fade.  Remember: Identity crisis doesn’t have to be a curse.  I thought of it as such for years, but then I realized that it allowed me to be whoever I wished.  This led to the birth of Nolen, as well as a beautiful relationship that I will cherish always.  You may feel lost and hopeless, but you know there’s a part of you inside that lurks in the shadows and bides it’s time.   It was born out of despair and raised Alpha to be manifested through Riley.  You were in love with life for a short moment.  Just because […]

My life is giving me whip lash.

Every morning, I wake up to a living hell I call home. I hate home. Home isn’t home to me. Home means miserable and uncomfortable feelings. Home is locking myself in my room, crying. I race to get ready for school making the best effort to look at least decent. Khakis and a green shirt, everyday. Once I herd my brothers into the car, late again, no breakfast, and being called a ***** by even my 12 year old brother. The drive to school is always one of my most depressing moments of the day. The music is loud and […]

i was a good person but i became evil and im not the evil kind of person who will hit you or call you bad names i am the one who makes you believe you can do anything but when i beome scared of continuing being part of your life i will leave you and not only that i will destroy you emotionally along the way….i dont deserve to live because all i do is give false hope to others when there is no hope for me…

continued on august 14

i love the people in my life but because i love them i end up hurting […]

Today my mum phoned telling us that my older brother left home. He just packed up his stuff and left, He has no money, smokes alot, drinks a lot and hangs around with very rough people. It made me realise that he’s not who he used to be, he used to be someone I looked up to, someone I loved and trusted but now…. now he’s not. But the thing is I don’t want him to come back he ruins everything, He hits me for the stupidest things, he gets annoyed at me just because i’m there…If he never existed I probably would have lived […]

I need a partner to die with, Atlanta Ga.. let me know asap!

sertraline- i stopped taking it for 3 days and i was very quickly back to how i felt during my worst. i thought i had made more progress but i now realise while some progress has been made, not as much as id like.  i realise sertraline drains me of any emotion, so i dont feel as suicidal or unhappy but i dont feel happy or anything, just numb. like on the weekend i was at the beach with my neices and nephews-i didnt feel anything. i dont feel love for my closest friends, which at one time i did, and its because i dont […]

i used to be the girl that didnt care what people thought. i was me, and that was okay. but now i find myself getting stuck on every flaw(no matter how big or small). i hate that i will never be good enough for my family or anyone else. i dont even like myself anymore. i try and try to fix myself, to make myself more likeable…but nothing works. im still the same akward and pathetic girl i have always been. i cant even tell anyone(aside from people on sites like this) how i feel because im terrified of being judged. i just dont know […]

i feel like i am going to burst into tears any minute and i feel that i’m never going to be able to stop. i have been so on edge today… i almost had a panic attack at school today…

I’m never been able to find words to express myself. Social situations scare me. Zero self-esteem. Crippling anxiety.. Something is wrong with my brain. I wish I could be half as clever with my words as you.
I have intense bursts of rage, and will lose it over the littlest things.
Sleeping as much as I possibly can, because it’s the only time I’m not hurting (myself or anyone else)
Wish I knew why I felt this way.. please make it stop.

She’s the only one I have left.. Probably the only reason I’m still here.
The only person that truly seems to care, and it would be the end of me if something were to happen to her.
She may not completely understand the hell I’m going through, but she’s trying her best to walk me out.
I love you..

“How can a person possiblly stay sane life? i shouldnt be complaining i know i should be happy. i have everything i would ever need, why the fuck is it so impossible to be happy.. where the fuck is the good in life? i cant see it or feel it anywhere. its all bullshit. its all just some sick fucking joke isnt it. who the fuck wants to live in a a world like this? where is god? creator of all good? there is nothing for me. i have no one. i hate myself. fuck you aileen. your just a fucken mistake. just like everyone told you […]