Today was even worse I have this overwhelming desire not to live anymore. I passed a wreck I even stopped to see if everything was okay.. I got back in my car and cried because I wasnt the one who died in the wreck! I would gladly take the place of the other person.. I cry everyday more today then usual.. No one would care if I died my family would only be worried about their perfert image and what people would say about there daughter killin herself. My funeral would be filled with not close friends and a happy family but with people who […]
Because let me tell you, all of this is getting pretty old. And by all of this I’m implying life.
he came back last night. it was him trying to break in. i yelled out, babe? is that you? he said yes in a very tired tone. i opened. i can’t describe the feeling i had when i saw him standing there. he said he was there knocking our secret knock for a while. that explained the sounds i was hearing but was too scared to check it out. he was physically and emotionally drained. so was i. he held me and i just cried. i cried because i realized how weak i am without him. he cried too. he said he is scared to […]
The long, sad story of my self-hate and depression:
I know there’s something wrong with me.. i feel there’s something wrong with me.. there HAS to be something wrong with me. I miss my old self. I miss being normal. I’m just getting more and more pathetic day by day. I can’t really explain what’s happening to me. I try to make sense out of it and i can’t. I’ve heard there’s a period of self-hate during life, but it’s just been getting stronger and stronger. Maybe some people just never grow out of it?
To break it down.. i’m a useless piece of sh_t. I have no […]
I’ve figured out how deep I can cut so the scars will fade so within a week no one can tell what I’ve done. But it’s not deep enough. I just want to do it to help myself, but I can’t even do that without people getting involved and putting me in boxes. I’m afraid to cut because I can’t have anyone discovering it, and I’m afraid to not cut because I’m more scared of what I’ll do if I can’t.
On the outside I’m like everyone else.. Something people envy. A high school cheerleader, soccer player, straight A student, and have great friends… But it’s not that simple!
Every day I get taunted by people I get told I’ll never be good enough I’ll never be in their crowd. I try not to let it show but it’s hard I’ve worked so hard to get people to like and accept me. I spend so much money on designer clothes and the new shoes.. But it’s not good enough I stand in the hallway with hundreds of kids around me yet I feel more alone than ever. […]
Each day the pain gets worse and worse and you act like I’m not Ben there… You act like my feelings don’t matter… Is it insane for me to just want peace?? To let everything go?? I’m trying to help you with her… It’s like you don’t realize that I may still not be over you??? You can’t just fall out of love with someone… You said you loved me. You lied through your teeth and I was stupid enough to believe it. I can’t handle the pain anymore… It just hurts too bad. I really just want forever peace from all pain and all […]
Tupac – Wonder Why They Call You *****
Inspired by the above:
Drowning in alcohol,
A man of no lord, no regard for toll,
No reason to live, a jilted soul,
She’s condemned him to a liquor prison,
To this poison of ethanol.
Drinking spirits,
Desperate to fill the void of an abyss within,
Sitting in the darkness of a cornered booth,
Why doesn’t he ever walk away,
Escape from the this cage of musk and sin?
I’m a semi-normal thirteen-year-old. Sitting at his computer desk, eating milk and cookies after he gets home from a hard day at school. But in my hand is a pair of scissors, worn from use. I am cutting myself. But once you look past the fat and scars (physical and mental) I am a good person. And I accept that. I don’t hate myself, it’s just my douchebag brain making me take everything the kids at school say to me like they’re true. And some of the things are. I feel mostly carefree, except for the fact that I fail at everything, including killing myself. […]
The desire of death is always haunting me like a bad memorie . The joy of a end is a longing of my soul. The sound of silence is pleasant music to my mind that I do not own.
The peace of nothing is a craving to strong. If you have the answer I beg you to foretold. As I have tried many a road and a different end I do not hold. Just the desire of my eyes to close.
I’m finding myself praying for death. My son is an addict, who treats everyone horrible. My family is ashamed as am I. My relationships have been one freakin disaster after another….I just work to pay my bills and support losers who won’t get jobs and take, take take.
How did I end up like this? Why do I honestly want to disappear and leave this horrible life behind. I fake a smile, I show my caring side..yet my emotional bank has been withdrawn for years now. Someone out there has to understand how I feel? I go to psychologist and they listen..but hell….the problem is me…I […]
The old me held on to hatred
The new me holds on to love
The old me would hurt others on a whim
The new me tries to help others whenever possible
The old me hated the world
The new me loves the world
The old me embraced the Darkness
The new me embraces the Light
The old me signed a contract with the Devil
The new me has given himself to Life
The old me thought that he was a god
The new me knows that he is a servant
The old me was a masochist
The new me is an optimistÂ
The old […]
Annihilate the silence
Initiate the violence
I won’t bow to my tyrants
Wake me up, pour me out,
My body succumbs to this fear and doubt
The warm froth of pain, bubbling from the recesses of my soul
I’ve made it to the river, now it’s time to pay the toll
Copper discs to cover my eyes,this journey now almost complete
The joy I emit, just a cloak of deceit
This is the end of the line
My sentence is up, I’ve served my time
Through the burning wreckage of defeat
I emerge to seek this release
Shadows fade into relief
As time passes so will the grief
Standing in the sun, absorbing timeless light
Waiting for the bell, to end […]
My friends often try to tell me not to kill myself because I won’t go to heaven. I ask them where is the proof? They either say “you shall not murder” or they say you can’t repent after you kill yourself. I say there are tons of people who die with sins, known and unknown, that they did not get to repent for when they died (ie drunk driving crashes, being murdered, dying in sleep, etc), so do they automatically go to hell too? No answer. There are several people who committed suicide in the Bible.
Saul’s Armbearer (1 Samuel 31:5)
Ahithophel (2 Samuel 17:23)
Zimri […]
Before I begin with my story, let me just say that I’m staring death in the face and I’m at the end of my pitiful rope. It’s a long story so please get comfortable.
September 25, 2010 – The day my life would change forever.
I had been talking to this girl I liked for a while now, we had a lot in common, so we set up a movie date. September 25 was our first date. She looked beautiful that summer night. I remember what she wore, how her hair was, and most of all, that long hug she gave me when I first walked up […]
I just can’t deal anymore. Everyone says to “hold on” and “be strong”. But they do not walk in my shoes. They do not feel the pain I feel. They were not physically and emotionally abused in their childhood. They didn’t see their boyfriend of 6 years find a new girlfriend and the two of them crack jokes about me on Facebook, saying that I am lunch meat while the new girlfriend is steak….yet the ex-boyfriend calls and tells me the same week he not over me and wants to be friends and I am a great person. How can I be a great person if […]
I wanna see your thoughts or beliefs.. Mine are that God wants to save me from this horrible world we live in.
Up till now, i have always tried to change my life.
I have tried to be consistent, in everything but failed..in everything.
Everything i try from losing weight to even brushing my teeth ends up not being done, and im sick of it, im sick of it all, life is a god damn chore that i don’t want to join, its sucks,i have no one else that understands me, no one, all i have are idiots around me, my family and friends will never understand me and how painful it is thinking this way, getting up to wash your face feels like climbing a mountain.
I will never […]
I’ve changed. A year ago i felt like i was missing out on a true friend that stuck by me, someone i could talk to about anything.
Now that i have that i have completely changed. I used to be reserved, never spoke what i thought. Never talked about myself and kept a distance from everyone. I liked it that way.
But now i open up to people, tell them my worries and about my past. I don’t like this. But i find i can’t stop.
I know that these people will turn on me and i will be alone again soon. Although i am looking forward […]
Born missing something in your brain. That piece that makes many crave attention and affection. When these things are offered you cringe in confusion. Knowing that others readily accept them but they seem rather uncomfortable. And you force yourself to act like you enjoy them because it makes others smile. One thing does touch you. The ones who are outsiders-ostracized-cast out-victims-pariahs. Their plight awakens an inner affinity.
Then there is the violation. Inall your collected data this only happens between adults. Between husband and wife. Between girlfriend and boyfriend. Not between adult and child. Not between two males. Deep down you know that this is monumentally worse […]