It’s been almost 4 years since my first cut. 7 years since the first time I cried myself sick, wishing I would die. I’ve tried to overdose 9 times, one of them accompanied by a 3 inch cut into my left wrist that severed my tendon. I’ve had the crisis center called on me twice. I’ve been put in a psyc ward once. I’ve been on 3 different medications (all of which I quit without authorization). My mother won’t accept that it wasn’t a phase, that wanting to die is part of me. My father committed suicide and my mother covered it up completely. I’ve […]

what the FUCK am i doing to myself.

wat do i do? i don’t know what the fuk im suppose to do to make ppl happy, to make me happy. i told my mom i needed help, i needed to go to a clinic, but she says everythings okay, tht she’ll fix things nd all i need is a fukin therapist. how the fuk is tht suppose to help me!!! i’ve gone to therepy for 6 years!!! 6!!! nd nothings working! i still wnt to die, but she says she’ll fix everything.

i want to cry, i want to die, i want to kill myself, i want to feel the pain on my wrists […]

and scream…and pull my hair out when you’re like this. I want to hit you and call you names…but I know that would make it worse. I want to shout “fuck you” and leave your stupid ass…but I know this is just one of your bipolar moods that has absolutely nothing to do with our relationship, or even me…so I stay. I bottle it all in until I do finally head home where I will inevitably cry myself to sleep from all this built up anger and confusion and in the morning there will be scars on my arm and a hole in my heart. […]

i need somebody to talk to, someone to listen to me and relate, it’s all i need, just a conversation to make me go less insane. i don’t know what to do with myself.

i got my heart broken today by the only guy i have ever known and loved. we’ve been together since grade 7 and i’m graduating this year. why me? there are so many issues with my family it’s unreal.

i hate everything about myself. why did i have to be like this? why couldn’t i be different?

thinking would be an understatement for what’s going on in my mind right now.

please.. anyone.. i’m lost.

hs_4@hotmail.ca

I thought it was over.  The bad thoughts, the lonliness, the tossing and turning late at night wishing I could just be done and gone rather than face what’s going on in my head.  I used to have so many friends there was never a bleak moment.  Now all that’s left is me.  The thought of you is what really hurts the most.  It wasn’t always like this.  When we found each other, I had finally found someone like me.  Two broken people who didn’t have to be that way anymore.  We helped each other…we were happy. 

The thought of building a life together was the only thing keeping […]

My first post here was too brief. I wanted to share this entire site with you, below, not just its most recent posts. And if you’d like to talk, especially after taking a look at ‘About the blog,’ I’d like to hear from you:
whichtools.wordpress.com

I Feel So Bad, I Want This To Be My Last Night, I Want It More Than Anything, But I Know I Wont Succeed, I Cant OD, Its All Been Locked Away, And Im To Chicken Do Anything Else, All I Know Is That I Want Out Of This Life. I Thought I Was Getting Better, Obviously Not.

Im Lying In Bed, Just Thinking, And Then I Wondered, Isn’t It Amazing How We Can Train Our Brains, We Can Make A Lie Seem Real, We Can Not Just Fool Other People, We Can Fool Ourselves, It May Be Little, Like Telling People Your Okay, Your Not Upset, If They Believe It, We Somewhat Believe It Too! It May Be A Deep Dark Secret That We Lie About, That We Cover Up, Until Sometimes You Even Believe If Its True Or Not, But It Doesn’t Come Without A Cost, With Lies Comes Hurt, And The More We Hide It, The Deeper The Pain And […]

Well, not going to school certainly made me feel better. It also makes me feel like a lump of fermenting dough. Guess you can’t be happy no matter what you do.

My favorite type of weather tonight. Windy with a hint of thunder. The sunlight in the apartment made me feel worse. Storms expect less of you.

Deceiving my parents has worked well so far, but… What do i do if they ask about my school results? And what about next semester? I’d construct another suicide plan, but since the last one went to bits, i can’t think of anything. It’s easier to think of more […]

Seriously… What’s the point in life? People feel depressed and low a lot more than they feel happy. Constant worrying about money, relationships, family, etc. Working non stop to stay alive but for what reason? Life only really starts when you retire but is it worth living in depression for 65 years… No. Whenever you look at the front of a newspaper is it ever happy news? Whenever you see someone in the street are they ever smiling? Does any marriage not end up in divorce and court cases regarding custody of kids who end up traumatised (excuse the spelling) by the whole experience? Does […]

Yesterday i got my first college acceptance letter, it was a great feeling. i felt happy for moment. i thought about college, how i would have to move. Move even further away from my brothers. I have a 5 younger brothers, a not so stable mother, and a dad who isn’t present so much. When i was about 12 my life when out of control, my mother lost her self, in her depression, drugs. I had to be a mother to my brothers, i loved them more than i can ever say, i raised them and as i sit here i think how i never did a good enough job. i never […]

So yesterday I visited my psychiatrist again for our regular weekly session. He’s a pretty nice guy, and he kinda looks like Santa Claus too which is pretty cool. But he’s sort of infamous for taking people off of their meds even when they need it.

Well, yesterday was pretty different. We only had a 30 minute session, which was shortened to 20 minutes because the place was so busy that it took me 20 minutes instead of the usual 5 to get checked in. Anyways, we talked about a lot of things; my anorexic tendencies, my sleeping problems, my intensified nightmares and flashbacks about my […]

Probably not.

Here’s part 2 of my life story. I won’t go into every detail (even now its way too fucking long for anyone to read), I don’t want to bore all of you to death.

I turned twelve in 7th grade. I had a few friends, kind off, but I was still bullied and there were a lot of people that didn’t like me. One guy from my class used to hit me. My mom always told me “If anyone ever hits you, hit them back”. So that’s what I did. I’m not one to cry in a corner (publicly) and keep my mouth shut. I […]

Just got word that in a few months our positions may be terminated if we do not get any more business.

Worked two or three jobs for the last several years and took this position because the pay scale was such that I could survive off one now.  Even after they cut our income I cut back and still made it. 

Now there may be nothing.  Years ago when I still had hope and goals fresh out of university, I probably would have been dismayed.  At this point however it is no big deal at all. 

Feels fitting somehow.  Although I did hope that someone would be able to benefit […]

My medicine doesn’t work.

I feel pain all the time.

I wish I knew what to do.

I been cutting everyday.

I need help.

I have eating disorders.

I am lost and confused.

Houston i’m in trouble.

I’ve noticed that the posts on this site are rather like the people who post them; they appear before us, they display wretchedness, and then they sink into obscurity, forgotten.

I have just slashed my wrists once before and that was while trying to commit suicide. Clearly I figured out one doesn’t die by cutting. But a lot of people say cutting is helpful. Is it? If yes, how? And why?

all iv been thinking about for the last few months is about my parents funeral and how i wish they could die 2gether and how happy life would be without them…. i dont want to feel like this… i want to love them… i want to be normal