Today I’ve cut long and deep. 3 times. I can’t quit..I don’t want to which makes That even worse

i sit here every night for weeks.

and all i can think is how much i miss my family.

when i had them all the time i never realised how important they were…

but i miss them everyday…

my mum and my dad

my sisters and brother

and my dog…

i long to go home and sleep in my own bed, just to open my eyes and see my room around me.

almost every morning i wake up in momentary confusion at where i am.

always expecting to see my room. and always being wrong.

you think after years youd be used to it.

i watch everyone else doing ‘parent child things’ that parents and children […]

my cousin texted he gf and said that he was pissed off becuase off me

i hate him so much

I’m 17 and graduated from high school. I have IBS (leaky gas; stinks up a room in 10 minutes) and selective mutism. One makes everybody double over coughing. Another makes me a creep because I don’t show any expressions, laugh, say more than monotone Yes/No, and don’t talk. When I am in public, I have panic attacks; the way I walk (some people thought me retarded- and I have no leg/bone defects), my ground-staring, my teeth (jagged/multiple cavities each) and the smell.

My mother is delusional and denies I have mental issues. My stepfather thinks it’s all in my head.

I’ve tried to fix things. But no […]

Depression
i can not fight it.
Suicide…
i can not conqure it.
Why dont we go
play in traffic
hopefully get hit by a car.
Lets be like wizards
and mix dangerous household
products together.
Lets drink it
like it’s juice or tea.
We can go outside and jump rope
till we hang ourselves in the trees.
Wouldn’t that be fun
bleeding on the ground
twitching and gaging on the kitchen floor
or just dangle from the trees
letting the neighbors gasp in shock.
Im not a sick person
All i ever wanted to do…
is kill myself.

My family is goin on vacation this friday for 3 days which is my vacation AWAY from them, so i’ll have the house to myself. Hmmm, very tempting to go for an attempt.

Im thinking a mixture of codeine and alcohol. U think it would work? Im talkin like maybe around 500 miligrams of codeine…

I can’t help wondering how many of the people on here are bipolar, like me.

It’s driving me insane.  Just… everything cycling, never being able to promise anything because I don’t know how I’ll feel in 2 hours/days/months, never being able to consistently try or achieve anything in a career, in relationships, in hobbies.  I’ve had so many medications and none of them seem to work.  Not enough to stop the cycles.

I’m not that keen on dying, but life in this condition is hardly living.  It’s a joke.  I’m an amusing failure waiting to happen.

Anyone else in the same boat?

Sitting on my bed, bleeding on the inside, dying on the outside. Wearing black eye shadow, nails, hair, clothes. Listening to depressing music, crying my eyes out. Carving my knife deeper and deeper into my flesh, up my arm, watching the blood slowly slide down to my hand. It’s getting harder to breathe. Grab another bottle of pills and start to swallow, one, two… fifteen…twenty-one…. almost there, just a few more bottles…

I need some advice. I am a 17 year old girl attending high school and my grad year is next year. My life should be amazing, I have been ranked top in my class for the last 5 years, have won numerous awards, play for several sports teams, tutor, part of student government etc etc. But it’s not.

Everyone thinks my life is perfect, but I am dying inside and I don’t know where to turn to. You see, when I was 12, I was looking for my camera in my mom’s room when I came across a box. Of course, being curious, I opened it […]

I just found out today that one of the senior managers at work died over the weekend. I got so jealous. All of the feelings I had at my father-in-law’s funeral (two and a half years ago) came flooding back. I was jealous of him, even to the point of anger; I wanted to be the one lying there.
Is it so much to ask?!
:-/

does anyone have any experience w/ this type of therapy? Or, have you even heard of it?
I went to a new therapist today and this is what she suggested, but my family doctor had never even heard of it!
I’ve posted this before, but no one responded. I’m hoping some of the newer folks are familiar w/ it. The therapist I’m seeing (have had four session so far) sure is sold on it, and I want to believe her. I guess I’m a bit jaded, though, after all these years.
If this doesn’t work I’ll try another therapist then ECT.
I’m just concerned that […]

by myself for the first time ever. I guess I’m not so useless after all.
🙂

my parents say they love me, my family, my friends. but i cant feel it. maybe they dont show it to much. but i just know my family gives everyone else more attention then they do to me. i pretend everything is fine, i put on a fake smile for everyone to see. i hope you understand that what they put me trough is not right. i get tired of hearing my name yelled. im like a stepchild to everyone. no one even knows where i am , or notice when im around them. i get complemented im pretty , smart, outgoing, and a one […]

Lies fucking lies! You don’t know whats going to be okay. You dont know at all. Im getting sick and fucking tired of people say everything is going to be okay. Bullshet its not. Just walk in my shoes and see if everything is okay. Stop trying that you understand cause i find that very unlikely.I dont wanna hear oh just have to wait or oh its just a phase and like oh every will get better. If everything will get better where is it cause i don’t fucking see it. Oh its just takes time. Yea right by the time i see it i […]

I hate how most adults think they know so much more than teenagers. To most of them, teenagers are just immature children who need to grow up. I’m sick of that. It’s such a stupid idea. I’m not saying every adult is like that, because I’ve met some pretty awesome adults. but I know a lot who are “know-it-alls”. Even my older cousins are like that, and they’re barely in their 20’s. They think they’re geniuses or something. That always confused me as a young child. Why everyone older than me thought they were so much better and everything. Now as a teen, I understand. […]

Well where do i start why can fk all go right no matter how much i try it always feels like some one is pulling me bk down. i no what suicide is i have had to cope with knowing my dad did it since i was only 3 years old when he had me what sort of coward would do that but now i understand im sick of people telling me it will get fucking better bollocks when you been saying that for years. they say everything happens for a reason bollocks whats that reson then cause i dont understand it. i really used […]

I am not really sure what to say, but I guess i am here to tell my story.
Obviously i was born in the wrong time and on the wrong place.
I wouldn t be here if i was happy.
Actually I had an amazing life, and i wasn t bothered so much with the fact that i live in a small town and in a small country.
It s so incredible how in one moment u can have everything and in the other u can have nothing. I lost a lot of things in these past months.
I would really like to put all […]

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

Yesterday we went to the beach. I wish I could have drowned myself. I should have. One more chance, gone. When I was walking along the beach I thought my scars were pretty much healed, but when I looked over on them, they were just sitting there glittering in the sunlight. all those marks, letters, long nights of crying and cutting finally paid off. I don’t think my scars are going to completely go away anymore. These scars are a part of me. They are a part of my soul. each one reminds me of all the times I cried, all the times I failed […]

Let me tell you about my life. I have bi-polar, for one, and that just seems to make everything more difficult. I live in a family who mentally abuse me, they don’t want me, and they let me know every day. I do everything for them, everything for everybody else, I very rarely do anything for me. They call me selfish and they tell me how I don’t appreciate them, they do everything for my little brothers, absolutely nothing for me, they won’t even give me much freedom, the only freedom i get is when i walk out and say ‘screw you’. When i was […]