I’m not at my lowest by a long shot, but I’m not doing well. I’m really not sure how to recover until my career takes some turn. It’s possible at this point, but not certain. Somewhere in the past few years I stopped believing my value was directly related to employment. It is nice to be employed, gives a bit of hustle and action to a day. That’s not a right, it’s something we want to happen.

This is all me being very rational and nice about the thing that all I need is an employer to stay in business long term. I need them to […]

I hate so many things in this world. I hate how as a species we seem to desire a slow, self-destruction for ourselves in the name of progress. Progress is already causing us to become obsolete in some areas or in our hubris, we create our killers like so many sci-fi movies have foretold.

I hate how foolish people can be to select a person when their very self screams “wannabe dictator” again… An IQ test should be a requirement to vote in my opinion.

What I hate the most is myself. I hate how I have this powerful urge to tell my family that it was […]

I was in a dreamy type of mood. It was that type of atmosphere. I am by nature dreamy, which is a grave fault, a grave flaw indeed, but one has to accept the reality of one’s nature. I tend to have one foot in reality and the other in dreamy thoughts, even when faced with the most dire of situations. I had enjoyed a very nice joint and was reclining on the sofa, I don’t want to do anything except indulge in pleasure, and Cannabis for me is the height of pleasure. I had spent the morning attending to domestic duties, it’s not my […]

The choice to stick around was my own. Nobody twisted my arm. Nobody pleaded for me to stay. I did it because I wanted to. But every now and then I’m curious if I made a mistake. Everything was lined up. It was perfect. You couldn’t ask for better conditions. I could feel my body giving out slowly but surely. Then I stopped eating. Not a conscious choice. Just didn’t want to so I didn’t. Give me a few more weeks and I’m dead sure that I could’ve pushed myself past the line. […]

I don’t really know what to say anymore. I’ve got zero steam. Zero. This stupid motor problem has killed it all. I’ve tried offering solutions but it always seems like they don’t take me seriously or that I’m wrong. Which a lot of the times is true. I’m reliant on people that won’t even give me the time of day. It sucks. For now all I can possibly do is write and some calculations. But just got no motivation to do so. Been putting it off and lying in bed for the past 2 days. […]

I turned 37 today. It’s not a big landmark birthday or anything, creeping closer to the big 4-0 which isn’t looming like 30 did. As a middle aged man I’m in the top demographic for suicide, which is interesting I guess. Like I said a few days ago, I think the smoking is going to take care of that for me in due course. I don’t have to work at it. Last night my knees gave out under me, just like an old chair the joints failed. No one saw, but I did.

Anyway usually it feels like my birthday is cursed but it’s been such […]

And just HOW do we get JOY back into our lives?

I feel like I don’t belong here anymore. It could be the world or maybe just the place where I am now and maybe going or moving to a different country might change things for the better. Are all the trial and tribulations worth it in our lives, what do you think?

Like I said I just couldn’t take criticism. I was that fucking deluded I thought there was nothing to criticise in the first place. The female therapist was correct when she said ” you’re hard work, here I am taking the wall down brick by brick and you put it right back up again, you have sexual phobia’s, there’s no emotion in you, you speak in very abstract terms with very flowery language, you’re very dismissive, you dismiss things outright”.  She was spot on. Friends all said the same. I thought the world was wrong all along and I was right all along, it doesn’t […]

I have controlling parents. Indirectly controlling, but controlling nonetheless. I’ve challenged the nature of their control, but when logic and reasoning fails to win my side of the argument, it is because they’ve hit me with the “because I am your mother”. “Because I am your father”.

Does the role or position of “parent” give them immunity?

Why do I still willingly give them this control? Is it because I am hopeful the control will be lessened as time follows? Or am I just am idiot?

Something learned today: the professional ‘help’ that exists out there, no matter how kind and genuine the person offering it may seem, is not help to actually solve your problems, or support you practically in the ways you need, or console you. It’s help to keep you alive, even (and especially) if it’s against your fucking will, and to stop other people feeling guilty/BEING HELD LIABLE for your death. That’s it, nothing else to it. Your life and the question of its continuation is between yourself and God, and I think that’s how it’s meant to be. What I was looking for, have always […]

Why did humans turn into sleepwalkers. It feels like humans have become zombie like. Or robots. Where is that spark, that flame, that curiosity, consciousness and soul that should take humans to the next level.
I think that many people are kinda shltty right now so who knows when things are going to get better

Neither do I honestly. My talk with my advisor yesterday went ok. Nothing too notable. He gave me the usual spiel of how he’d love to have me for the program and how I’m very earnest or some shit. Don’t remember exactly what he said. He did say that funding is going to be an issue. Which is true. I’m asking late in the game just like last semester. I’m playing catch up for a lot of things. Who knew planning to kill yourself would screw yourself that bad. My own damn fault. Probably […]

Today when I went into a convenience store there was a sign that said something to the effect; “smoking kills more people than murder suicide and so on….. every day”

It just bugs me, non smokers don’t have a clue in this world how smokers brains work. Like we don’t know we’re shaving years off our lives, as though it isn’t intentional.

I go back to the Kurt Vonnegut quote;

“The public health authorities never mention the main reason many Americans have for smoking heavily, which is that smoking is a fairly sure, fairly honorable form of suicide.”

I was loading up the truck yesterday, got short of breath […]

I can’t remember if I’ve talked about this, but those stupid fucking motors that gave me a fucking problem all winter break had the wrong chip on them. Some dude added a fucking P to the end of the chip name and then we had 500 semi-useless boards. This whole time this could have been fixed by ordering the right ones or maybe changing how we flash the boards. This whole time. Now I’ve tried to put in an order for 30 correct boards and my advisor is giving me fucking shit for it. Asking if they will work. […]

[Doubt my relatives or friends will bother to read all this, and wanted to post it here so my goodbye might be read by someone.]

27/01/2025

I want it to be noted that I am of calm, sound, and rational mind at the time of writing this. I have been thinking of ending my life for several years, and have considered the below points throughly from as logical and dispassionate a perspective as I have been able to adopt with regard to them. This is not a decision I am making in haste, while tired, or in the grip of strong emotion, but one which I have […]

I did really bad on my last exam. I forgot all the things I had memorized. I didn’t memorize them well enough. It was one of the tougher papers and three people ahead of me were absent. I couldn’t find my seat because I couldn’t find any of them. The girl who died used to sit behind me. All I could think was how they took her space. Her seat was not fucking empty. All the other seats were but they skipped her roll number. Her face wasn’t in the record sheet. I hate this place. Her roommates don’t live in her room anymore. But […]

1- Do you believe you’ll ever attain happiness?
2- Do you believe your depression will ever go away for good?

I don’t know why I grapple with this notice of life having meaning when I find all of the accepted meanings to be hogwash. Why delude myself into thinking I want to live for something when I know it is trivial to me in my heart. I’m too tired of life to make it poetic. After all, I know I hate living since the urge to drive off a cliff is as powerful as a siren’s call.

I’m a terrible person. Which I repeat here not to be down on myself (which I know is common among depressives), but to accurately represent my situation. By almost any moral standard you could choose to use, I am scum. Of course there’s a sense in which any moral judgement is subjective, and artificially imposed on reality by the human mind. But if you do believe that there’s certain things one should not do, then chances are you’ll agree I’m trash. I say this based particularly on my past actions, but also my current behaviour, my motivations, my emotions, my psychology. I’m an example of […]