I started off young, i met her when i was just 14 and naive, she gave me her laced up weed and at the time a stoner is all i wanted to be. I wanted to be her, i looked into her baby blu eyes and saw the sky. I hated the atlantic, but her crystals where a different shade, they didnt haunt me, i didnt see the megalodon lerking under the surface. She told me pretty lies, pretty little secrets. “Im your only friend” she would say, “smoke your blunts, it will all be over soon.” I was rotting, picking at my arms, why […]
Guys everything is just awful. Not even my life but life in general. Everything feels fucked up and the more time goes on the more fucked up it feels.
It feels like everyone around me is depressed and wants to die… my sister and her bf just broke up. He was depressed and said he wanted to die. Then my sister made vague suicidal threats. My own boyfriend does it while drunk too, but pretends to be ok when he is sober and says stuff like “you distract me from the bad thoughts”. My auntie is depressed. She lost her son this year and has made […]
Long Post Warning: This is just something I need to get off my heart and mind. No reply necessary.
I never thought of myself as someone who sets fires, but maybe I am. Maybe even just entertaining the thought of another woman is playing with fire. I’ve always been the overly cautious type that doesn’t want to get burnt or see others hurt and warns of the dangers. And yet here I am with match in one hand and the matchbox in the other.
So about a year ago I moved to a new position in my organization. And 2-3 months in a woman I’ll call ‘Katie” […]
I’ve pushed many people away. Maybe I can end it and no one would care. Maybe this is a cry for help, or me ranting. Either way, I hope this pain will stop.
It’s the season not to be without marijuana if that be your thing. Christmas brings despair down hard on the suicidal and with the long dark days of the holidays ahead marijuana is of paramount importance to me. This time last year I found myself without and it was hell. I had recourse to alcohol and that only exacerbated the unhappiness. I don’t get how anyone can equate alcohol with pleasure. For me the sensation of drunkenness is quite dreary and depressing. Then there’s the labour required to get drunk, ingesting all that liquid, passing water like a racehorse, and a hangover the next day. […]
So many levels to my pain, so many demons that still remain at the end of every day. Some days I wake up and want just run away from everyone and everything. Other days I want to stay and fight and maybe have a chance to finally play this hand of life that was dealt to me, with confidence once more in life. I need a win in life more now than I need forgiveness for my sins in life. I draw the line in the sands of time only to find im already on the other side. Already outta time to change the […]
I am tired of this life, these body limits, I would like to be a free spirit flying around. I see that people accept these limitations much easier than me. I would like to see more people fighting for liberation, I wish people were friendlier and ready to help others more.
feeling so confused.
living by my own abroad,
actually I chose to live abroad just to quit my killng boring life.
Now, so far from home, so far from those I know and all the markers I’ve created in hometown during my whole life I still don’t know if I really enjoy my life here.
The weather is not the same, faces look strange. we say that home is where the heart is. Home is where you feel your belonging to. Home is where you feel the most loved. That place I call “home” however is 5 hour-flight away. Everything is/looks/sounds so different.
Who am I? where […]
I have seen some crazy, yucky porn images (prolapse) and videos, I wish I had not, wish I could erase them from my mind.
Anyone do this too?
I cut my wrist and lick it
It tastes weird like iron with tomato
I think..
It makes me calm
So I suck and drink my own blood more
I realize
The fire of hatred to other people goes out easily
But why
The fire of hatred to myself keep spreading inside my body
Just sad
I know i need to love myself more
Yet i keep find things to hate myself more
I know any old timers who are still alive seeing my user name may be shocked to see that I’m still alive. I have been through every pain a person can survive. I wish I could have ended it 15 years ago when I wanted to. People tell you that things will get better. Get therapy, get medication, you’ll get better. Truth is that life gets harder. The only thing that can make you better is happy delusions. I cannot resign myself to delusions no matter how pleasant. I wish I could. In fact because I am still to scared to resign myself to death. […]
In you I find my darkness
The lonely and self defeat
The part of me whom struggles
So empty and obsolete
Just a little bit. Legal issues. Car got impounded. Ride to work is consistently late to work. Stress headaches every day. Life is peachy, cops are great, I’m going to have to write a Christmas note to the cop who pulled me over. “Thank you for your service! You’re doing a wonderful job preventing working folks from being able to survive in this economy. I hope you get a bonus this year and won’t get run over by a bus while writing a ticket!”
You know, I sometimes wonder why we call it mental illness. Why not call it what it really is – affliction of […]
The ghost of George Carlin speaks.
It’s odd: Whenever I don’t want them to, they come out. But when I just want to cry all my emotions out my eyes are dry. It makes me feel cold and alien to myself.
But anyway. Today was a shit day. It’s that time of the month for me, and on top of that I forgot my medication yesterday.
I often feel like such a jerk. I snap so easily at everything and yet I’m like glass. Maybe I deserve to die, with what a huge hypocrite I am.
I’m not sure why I came back here, honestly. Maybe it’s the community.
I was reading the […]
I don’t remember the last time I was here. Probably like 5 years ago, give or take. Nothing has changed. I have had a short-lived reprieves from the onslaught of manic depression and suicide ideation. I am not really sure if I make it out of the year alive. I am exhausted, still jaded and lost in this maze called existence. Anyway, just thought I’d check in. Have a great day.
I have what I’ve wanted most for a long time. And yet tonight, among other nights, I feel as if i’ll Never be really happy. It’s a defeating feeling. I’m scared to die, little frightened rabbit that I am. To just turn off the noise, wow. It’s terrifying. Beautiful and simple and – oh, to be or not to be? All that. What dreams may come. All that.
I’m trying to be more, to do more, to feel worth in myself. I’m at a loss. I feel broken down and hollow, I can barely recognize myself inside. It seems The biggest thing that’s followed me […]
Each time I make the decision to keep living, I’m quickly overwhelmed by experiences I don’t know how to deal with.
One of the biggest problems is desire, longing, or craving, for things I don’t think I can fulfill. I don’t know how to let go of it. I can’t convince myself it’s not desirable. It’s just there, in the background of my mind, tormenting me.
I don’t know how to just accept that it’s not something that’s possible for me, and move on. There’s so many other things I could be focusing on, but none of it feels meaningful. My mind doesn’t really engage with it. […]