I have decided to just stop talking to people when all I wanna do is die. I hate when people ask me for help on school work. They don’t even know how to say my name and they try to cheat off of me? No.

And my mom is really mad at me for some reason. I’d rather not retell the story cuz it’s only gonna make me mad, but she basically hates me for being ”rude” I am NOT rude. I stand up for myself, but I’m not rude at all, I’m probably one of the nicest people you will ever meet. But she hates […]

I have a question for you all….. I just remembered that my camera can record hi-def video…. so I have spent the last couple of hours, recording some segments intended for family and friends. My question is this….

Should I record the actual act??? Is that ethical?? Is there ethics in suicide?  My whole life I’ve documented…. that’s what the camera is for… documenting my trips and different places and times in my life…. shouldn’t I also document my death?? I can do it easily enough… have the equipment the know how, etc….  my only question is should I??? 

Will appreciate your opinion no matter what it […]

I’m slipping, I’m slipping
Oh God no, I’m falling
Burnt out nails, blackened.
The gables twitching upon the mirror
It’s all turned to shit.
My feet have frozen
Defrosted
and then frozen
Weather is such a spiteful thing
Never know when it’s gonna rain or shine.

Shit

Stop stabing me
I’m sorry if i did wrong
My tears hurt
That pain cries
for attention
My eyes are red
Quit this horrible crime
This hurts enough already
STOP LOOKING AT ME
I’m sorry i’m that ugly
Sell me to the streets
if you must
Stop this pain
Its like hot water
spill on my back
Please i beg you
I’m trying my best
If you leave me alone
I could just die
in my own blood
I’m just…
Sorry

I have been asked to post some of my writings. So hopefully some of you can enjoy them. Here is one titled just like the posting…. An Ending

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

The sun beats down

as I lay on the ground,

that is red from all my bleeding.

Shot through the heart,

soon Life will depart,

of nothing will I be needing.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

My mouth runs dry

and I begin to cry,

I know no help will arrive.

I know it’s too late,

I accept my fate,

nothing can keep me alive.

– – […]

I fight too damn much.

The problem is that I still haven’t found a time when I don’t have to fight…

My life is a battlefield.

I fight to wake up, I fight to get my self out of my house, I fight to get myself to class…

I can barely ever remember a time when I wasn’t fighting…

Sometimes I want to just put my weapon down.

I want to take a break from the battle…

I mean, even a soldier gets a break from time to time.

I smile at people because I don’t want them to worry

Because worry won’t help me

I wake up tired

I go to sleep tired

I live tired

But […]

I’m always alone. Depression has taken everything from me. I have lost all my friends and the old myself. There is no one whom I can turn to. People only talk to me when they want something from me. That hurts a lot…knowing that nobody cherishes me. Even on this site, I have no friends. No one really gives a damn about me. I feel like trash or dirt. How pathetic I am ! I don’t even want to see myself in a mirror because my own reflection makes me disgusted. I want to rip off my face with a razor so that nobody would  recognise me and I could […]

They say it’s a sin,

to feel pain from within.

I don’t know, it may be true.

But if it’s a sin,

it will happen again,

I can’t help but feel so blue.

It won’t go away,

everything is so grey,

what am I supposed to do?

I don’t care what they say,

I can’t face the day,

with this life I am all through.

I carry my pills, my safety blanket.
My pills that I don’t take.
Enough to over dose.
I carry my pills.

I want death, always.
Yet I want life, happy.
I put a pill to my lips.
Another.
Another.

Slowly slipping away

So… I broke up with my boyfriend about a week ago… he told me that he was in love with me…

At the same time, he was telling another girl the same thing

The other girl tells me that he loves her more than he loves me.

I ask him… and he picks the other girl.

Forget that I ignored my family and friends because I was in love with him, when they told me “He ain’t no kind of good for you”.

I ignored them and kept trying to make it work with this guy.

If I ever see him… he better hope… Geez… player broke my heart

Just took it […]

Like the title saids i cant take it anymore. Everything i do is wrong. v- v I feel so empty inside. Like right now, i have no words to describe how i feel. It seems like im dying more and more and not even knowing it. My fun personailty die weeks ago and i already feel like shet. I just want to end my life and left everyone be happy. I dont know whats wrong with me. Am i going insane?Or am i just…. i dont know. There is nothing i can do anymore. I have given up on everything pretty soon my grades […]

I feel…

Like I’m losing my mind

Everything is crashing around me

I live in a cloud of exhaustion

I am too tired to care anymore

I am sick of it all

I’m smiling in your face

But all the time I wish you could take my place

People tell me that it’s worth it to fight

But I feel like running

Feel like taking flight

I want to reach out to someone

But who will help a girl like me?

I don’ t really want to be

Anymore

I can sing and I have skills

But I just want someone to kill

Me

I don’t even have the energy to end my own life

So how would I have the energy to endure […]

so today. today may well be the official day. 10.29am. in a few hours i am going to kill myself. got the day off from school for the first time in ages. i don’t ever want to go back. i don’t ever want to see the sunlight again. so… here i am. i guess sitting in this pitch black room gives me comfort. drinking dad’s vodka. sorry dad. i know it was expensive. i know i was expensive. with all the psychologist appointments. all for nothing. . i won’t be an expensive buurden to […]

Last Friday, I made my first half-hearten attempt to end myself by climbing to the highest point on the mountain and jump off the edge. Unfortunately, I just couldn’t bring myself to go off the cliff–I’m a coward, just like what I’ve always been all my life. It was too public; too many kids, hikers, over-lookers lurking around to run over the fence and off the edge. Opportunity presented itself on several occasions, but I was weeping so hard inside to make the go. One thing that really held me back was the fact that there is a steep decline before going over the edge, […]

today i was almost gone, i fell asleep, not uncommon, it’s pretty much how i’ve been dealing the past, well month today but whos counting. However to block the light i keep putting something over my face, today i grabbed my dressing gown, i guess it let less air in than a pillow, because i could feel myself going, in my sleep, half awake, not sure, but it was that feeling you get, and normally i’d fight to get out from the covers, even though you feel heavy you fight, this time i tried to fight to stay under, but my bodies natural survival kicked […]

I hAte my life. No one ever tries to listen and I feel worthless. I hVe nger problems and maybe depression and bi-polar. My mom tries to make it work between us but it always goes wrong. We fight everyday. She never Gets me help with my anger. Everyone gates me and can’t stand to be around me. I’m not trying to make them hate me I’m not saying mean things. I’m just being me. No one ever listens or even tries. The next gun I see im going to shoot myself in the heart or brAin! Which ones faster? My dad never wanted me. […]

i cant take it anymore…. im seriously going insane… i have to do it soon. i just have to. i dont know how much more i can take. this pain is getting unbearable. i’m so sick and tired of being sick and tired… its just too much now. i’m reaching my breaking point. any moment now, im just gna snap.

Receiving the phone call, jumping on a plane to LA and taking the elevator up to the 8th floor where my brother was is all a bit of a blur. Walking into to ICU and seeing my brother, broken, swollen, and almost unrecognizable is very clear in my mind. They had to remove the right side of his scull in order to relieve the pressure in his head. His eyes were bulging out of his eye sockets. Blood was slowly oozing from his ears, his eyes and his nose. He was being jerked up and down by the ventilator. […]

I hate that I’m a survivor… it shouldn’t have been this way (see the post “Today Was The Day”)… yesterday I was pretty convinced that I wouldn’t be able to go out to the garage today and try again. It’s not even noon my time and I find every minute that slowly ticks away is increasing the possibility that I will somehow find myself in the garage today…. my neck and throat still hurt, yet that urge and desire grows stronger…. nothing has changed except the pain in my throat and neck… so….. what is stopping me? I’m not sure, but I’m […]

Welll on Easter Sunday my pastor came back. Well he was doing a sermon on Suicide.(Which is how i found this website). Then he was talking about this one thing that got his attenion. I forgot what it said but it brought him onto something. Then it got me thinking and how im typing this. I know God wants us to die of old age. But they say if we kill ourseleves we go to hell? But alot of people are complain cause God didnt help them out or he did save them. Not to be mean or anything but what did you do for […]