Can’t people see the pain that we’re in? I don’t know about some of you but I just can’t stop crying. I’ll be on the train or on the bus or even sometimes in a lecture and I’ll just cry. And it feels like no one can see me or the pain.

I try and protect my mum from knowing what I’m  going through but shouldn’t she be able to tell that a little bit of me is dying everyday when I make the effort to get out of bed? And why is it when you ask for help, no one is willing to help you? […]

I feel better having chosen the time and place. I’ve had enough – I want out.

Time for action.

See my blog:

http://amaranth-parallelreality.blogspot.com/

For the Helium hood method to work with the “Balloon Time” Helium tank I found at my local party store,  I read in The Final Exit that i need:
1) Plastic Tubing 2.1m with soft connectors.
2) Quick Release air-line fitting.
3) Gas jet regulator.
Does anyone know where I can find the correct parts? That will work with the Balloon Time party kit. Links to Amazon or Lowes/Home Depot would be greatly appreciated.

To anyone who knows of me / remembers me, I’m unfortunatly still here. I’ve barely eaten in about 2 weeks now bar a biscuit or two which made me feel completely sick.

I’ve taken to deeper cutting now, preffering to get a knife whenever I can and go real deep rather than just slash a little with scissors or like.. watching the inital cut and the blood flow just does something nothing else can do.

I had a bad session with my counselld or the other week which left me completely confused and I’m still in that confused state now. ‘do I want to die? what if […]

I’ve reached the end. My life hasn’t been completely miserable, but I have made plenty of mistakes and I have had many misfortunes. I can no longer endure the loneliness and the hopelessness. I can no longer cope with this world. I have reached the end.

Many will miss me. I love them all dearly. I wish I could tell them how much I love them. They will not understand and that saddens me even more. How can I say goodbye?

Thin lines on her arm

Hidden by her clothes

Cutting deeper and deeper

Because no one knows

 

She’s just a girl

Not strong enough to stop

A strange addiction

Watching blood drop

 

She loves the scars

She needs the pain

It frees her sad

It keeps her sane

 

It’s never enough

To ruin her flesh

She moves up her arm

She inches towards death

Why put on a happy face when you feel like shet on the inside? Why laugh when you know it hurts. Does it seem fake to just let everyone not worry? Hidding everything from everyone. Do they not see the look of suffering laying across mine face. Even if you think its a sercet. When your down people will ask if something is wrong when you just shrub it off like its nothing. Do they not see the tears fall at night when i have nothing to leave for? Can anyone see what im hiding. The loneliness that space out from everything. It seems to […]

For years, I have been crying nearly every day. Sometimes with reason, usually without. Vomitting from stress, constant headaches, heartaches, only to be told that it all gets better when it really doesn’t. I’ve been waiting and waiting and trying new things, meeting new people, going new places, and it isn’t working, it isn’t helping. I’ve taken all your advice, tried all your prescriptions, met with all your therapists, psychologists, and it never worked.

And then I met him, and he would hold me at night when I cried myself to sleep. He made me meals even when I had no appetite. He helped me feel […]

I am tired, so tired.

I exist from chemical to chemical

in an attempt to regulate my life.

Soma to calm the agitation.

Vicodin for lightning anxiety.  OC and Oxy for relief from the endless, anxious despair.

Then the prescribed help: Seroquel (for the screaming white noise);  Tenex (for the electrical agitation).

Caffeine to boost back up –

to function, to pretend, to smile and move through the day

Desperately trying to get through,

to quell the desire to run screaming, yelling, throwing myself to the ground pulling out tufts of hair –

in protest against this horrific life of despair, this confined robotic life, the emptiness, the meaninglessness.

Instead, I exist in the ‘quiet desperation’,  from chemical to chemical – like […]

I KNOW that my depressed “squirrel in a cage” thinking is just (neuropathic) wiring. I KNOW that it will pass if I can put even one cell outside of myself and view myself with compassion, kindness and warmth. I KNOW that doing so will lighten the despair — sometimes just a shade or two, sometimes will brighten to the point that the despair is just a shadow. I know this and yet…I get so tired of the effort. So tired of life being so fucking hard, such a struggle.

I am so tired.  I get so tired of trying to escape the drag, the anchor, of […]

i know i cant stop you if you really want to end it all but i can say this less then two weeks ago i was ready to end it too i had everything ready but i re though things and didnt do it and now lifes getting a lot better for me i got a great new boy friend who by the way was going to kill his self but insted he wound up doing a great thing that night:) i have pretty good grades in school now and i relize how much i would have missed out on if i did do that […]

Each tear that falls off my cheek is another painful memory.  They are happy memories but they suddenly turned cold.  Thinking about him makes my stomach turn.  I cannot continue this.

I want death

I’m not some one who normally does this sort of thing but right now, I just need someone to understand. No-one else does. It’s not the first time I’ve battled depression, last time I was 15 and in boarding school. But then I got molested and this just set me off the edge. I guess I’m what you’d classify as a suicide survivor. I moved country and school and escaped my memories, but not my liking for pain medication. My counsellor believes that I use overdosing on pain meds as a form of self harming. But I had a good few years (without the self […]

I lead a busy life. I train for my sport every day, I attend school, I have great friends. I have every right to be happy. Everyone I know describes me as the ‘joker’, the ‘one with a sense of humour’. I’m really smart, not often a year twelve student studying PE and Psych can manage straight A’s across all subjects.
For some reason in my subconscious mind I’m not allowed to have happiness. I have an eating disorder, I overtrain with my sport and I hate myself even more everyday. I hate my looks, my voice, my thoughts and most of all, I hate […]

Well I sit and sit every day and live the same boring life every day, the only thing that changes is how I feel from day to day, each day seeming like im weaker.

I will not poor out my childhood story and I will not talk about whats happened recently, I will leave it as boldly as that I did not have a childhood, did not know what it was like to have friends, not know what it was like to have a social life, did not know what it was like to feel loved, forgot how it felt like to have a family.

I am […]

they say the good die young and the evil live forever. I never used to believe that until I started putting the pieces together. The ones who treasure their lives and make the most out of It end up being taken away too soon whereas all us suicidal people or even people who are Fucked up Such as Corrupt people or Murderers and molestors live a long life. Maybe I should just “live” my life to the fullest. They say you gotta fake it Til u make it.

Than again.. Who am I kidding. I know I’m going to end up as depressed as I […]

Today, my Dad pointed out my new cuts, and than my brother saw.

Today, my mom had a 3 hour talk with me because she later found out.

Today, I had.. I had..

I have no opinion about what has happened.

Basically the moral of this passage..

Is that my Dad, Mum, and Brother found out that I cut.

I remember how when I was young I would at times cry my self to sleep missing my mother. She abandoned me when I was young. I told myself she had to be a pure person, despite all evidence to the contrary. And then when I got to know her, she turned out to be a golddigging whore in the guise of a religous woman who not only stole thousands  of dollars from her youngest daughter, but also married two men and mined both their bank accounts! My stepmother and father would sleep on their bed all day long (just like my mother) and watch […]

Hey you guys, I have not still heard from you two, hope you guys are okay.
I will write here everynight till I hear back from you, hope you two are good.

Every night I sleep I smile thinking of you two, if it wasn’t for you guys, I would never been here to able to go to sleep.

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