fuck it.

So I took my sleeping pill in the early hours of the morning, and it kept me in peace until 8am. I woke up, drowsy. I think I drifted off again.. til 10am. But when I woke up then, I felt weird.

I felt lost, today. I feel empty, there so much pain and thoughts going on in my head but.. I can’t make them come out. I can’t cry today, I can’t feel. I feel disconnected from the world, like I’m not a part of it.

Even punching things, or cutting, didn’t make me cry or have them come out. I didn’t even feel the pain.

Today, […]

Why am I still alive again?

Dreaming of the desert,
An empty wasteland
Filled with hope and sand.
Vast and unchanging,
Beautiful and ignorant
Of influences or negotiation,
The way I want to be.
Space waiting for me
To fill it with my screams
Of lonely silence,
And my fulfilled dreams
Of peace without violence
Towards myself.
I imagine sunrises
Without a hangover,
And sunsets so beautiful
Giving way to a night sky
Filled with stars,
And holding not a drop
Of my usual anxious dread
That tonight is the end
In the most concrete way,
A terrible day dream
I wish I wouldn’t have.
Will the endless rolling sand
Cure […]

carcasses of humans
hear my cry
the world is ill
strive for power
fist of stone
take the lash
made of sin
carnal knowledge
pierce the skin
cut the flesh
carve the bone
drive to devour
urge to kill
born to die
devotion to my demons

keep trying to turn things around but they just keep crumbling down….tired of picking up the pieces

I cut again tonight. worse than ever before. the blood dripped down my arm and i just looked at it. it was an accident i swear. i had no one to talk to, i dug the end of the razor into my skin i didn’t think it would rip skin. it never used to. i dragged it across and let go. then the blood trickled down my arm. i feel so lost. somebody shout at me, tell me i’m an idiot. please ?

im gann a take a whole bottle of my moms xnaxes then im ganna take the two mile walk to the bridge near my house taking my last breath and then im ganna jump. im tired of beening here all i am is a wortless ugly piece of shit. i dnt deserve to be here anymore. all i do is hurt people and i cant stand even looking at myself anymore it all just to much for me to take. no one will miss me my mom wants me dead and my dad never cared an the rest of my family wouldnt care except mayb […]

I don’t know what to do with myself any more. Everyone is putting pressure on me. I have been depressed for quite a long time, but I have to pretend that I’m happy in front of my family and friends because it’s what they want to see. No one would like to be around a downer, so I have to work my ass off to be a straight A student in order to make my parents feel proud of me. I have to cover up my scars and fake smiles so that my friends would not think of me as a freak or maniac. Hey, do you know how […]

I am not a competitive person, never be.
But even at age of 28 now, my parents and also society seem to teach me that Life is all about “winning, succeeding”, and most especially to “strive for the BEST”, which usually means to try to reach to the TOP, be the number ONE, be the BEST, etc etc.

But I guess I always admired and taken into heart deeply what an ex-pastor said:
“if everybody wants to become number one, then who will become number two, number three, etc??”

I think this is truly the Reality, that he speaks of. and that’s why I admired him for […]

I’d like to show you guys a song that’s done a lot for me. It’s a song called Carolyn by Black Veil Brides. Here’s a link to the song: http://youtu.be/FwLeIzPxZ5g

You’re not alone
We’ll brave this storm
And face today
You’re not alone

You’re beautiful <3 Absolutely beautiful.

Doggie, missionary, standing, oral, anal, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, against the wall, orgy, lesbian, every fucking possible way… And I don’t like it… That’s why I’m celibate. Fuck me, life? No, fuck you!

Im sitting on the beach 5 hours from home waiting on the charcoal to get ready and doubts are combing to me. What if im wrong? What if there is a god? what if I wake up with brain damage? what if I succeed? its too late to go back now. I spent way too much of my parents money. I’ve ruined relationships. I’ve let my good grades drop to straight F’s. I can’t go back.

Pardon my grammar, its a bit cold and im typing from a phone.

Last night I’ve seen some posts that talks/mention about existential nihilism, and I think I used to have great discussion with my little brother about this..quite interesting.

However, like I’ve said before in some posts here, since “Hope” is always seem to be inherent in each human being (seems to be our given Nature), then it’s only logical for me to try to find the ‘loophole’ with that branch of philosophy (by now I’m sure we all know that all kinds of philosophies & even science can always be found the ‘loophole’ and sometimes for a Good purpose to improve for a better ones, this is […]

Wow, I think this was the most free day I’ve spent on this entire strike. mostly because I was at XSU for most of the day. Had a great time, nervous as hell for my part, but many have told me I did great, and I’ve gain more fan base, so I’m told, we’ll see soon enough. I charged my net-book at that hall because it was available to do so. I had some Campbell’s soup today, and some fruit and of course my life supply of cherry coke, we all know I can’t live without those acids eroding my life. LOL or and a […]

worst night of my life…….. i want to end it……someone help me

im kate

im 17

help

please

Has anyone on here ever been scared to post or comment? Or is it just me. I just cut myself, and earlier i burned muself.
Its been raining all day. so I wrote this.

Let it rain
The tears will pour
As your fists
Beat down my door
As long as you can go to bed
Rest your little pretty head
For I wont wake up
Next morn

I didn’t take the DOOM and GLOOM “alarmist” people seriously at first. But now I sound exactly like them. I’m not fucking crazy. I’m just honest. People around me talk and talk and talk like everything is fine and dandy. IT’S NOT! There are billions of us here on Earth, and our world economy is going to shit while we’re killing each other for the last bit of resources left. How many kids died to pay for the electricity used for me to make this post?
And here we have people […]

I’m so discouraged.  I cannot cope anymore.  I’m just a total failure and nothing is going right.  It would feel so good to just lie down and never have to get up again.  Everything is just too hard anymore.  It hasn’t got any easier.  I keep going on, but I don’t know why.  Happy never comes, easy never comes.  Everyone says hang on, it gets better, it’s bad right now, just hold on.  But why am I holding on?  I don’t get happy.  I’m just getting by.  Barely.  I’m taking anti-depressants, which seem to have taken away the lethargy and just lying around, but I’m […]

i seriously want to cut my self till i bleed out or jump of a bridgee… i am soo stupid i hate going out !!!! and no one gettss that because ists stupid and i know that but i still freakk out every time i even think about going out my room and people just make fun of that make me feel like a lacy fukin hur. and maybe they are right am a lazy fukin hurr…

i just want to end this madness in my head