Depression is a state of mind, despair, an opinion. I have never understood my depression and do not understand the despair; I know however that depression becomes a habit, despair, it’s conclusion and suicide, or, at least the thought of it, a relief.

There are moments, too many and now too frequent, when I allow myself to fantasise about the releif of death, a few moments of pain and then sweet, comforting oblivion. It’s so attractive, to think that one no longer has to go through the same pain, day in and day out, not to wake to terror, not to live with my punitive […]

Things arent what they used to be

landscapes once so filled with light

only greyness left, everywhere

What happened to that flame?

How cold is the sun?

I have sold my soul

It remains in coldness and confusion

feeding off the light of the ones still shining

This demon existence…

My fate, and i knew it

There is no turning back

My heart is filled with black

Like a leak irreparable

The darkness swarms in

extinguishing all the light that was left…

Misere! Oh, misere!

Sing me a song of mercy!

And release me from my suffering

Oh devil I will do anything

I am noone

everyone always says that its better to die with a lived life than go through life without emotion and feeling.did anyone ever tell them how much it hurts to go through life with emotion and feeling?Its easier to just block out that emotion and numb the pain. i bet those people were ever beaten by a trusted adult or molested by an uncle. i bet those people’s boyfriend didnt die,and i bet that their really good friend didnt kill themselves.I bet they dont wake up every morning unable to feel – unable to express how they are really feeeling.Just and empty hollow person with pain […]

doctor who
i dont think this worked but im posting it anyway! 🙂

Ive never been bullied…EVER(ayone who misunderstood my last post)Anyway…I don’t like when my mom’s mad not for the reason anyone’s thinking.Whenever my mom is mad i feel all her negative energy everywhere and that get’s me really depressed especially because when my mom is mad she starts  talking  shit about everyone wich gets me depressed to because i don’t like when people do that.My mom goes over the top she just has to be a ***** on porpuse wich causes a volcano to erupt in my house and the sparks are flying not to mention plates and other objects they broke a shelf while they […]

So… I’m on four medications.

Celexa, Seroquel, Topomax and Tradozone.

Those are for depression, anxiety, psychosis, and migraines/mood stabilizer.

(Psychosis is having hallucinations/voices but not being able to establish them from reality, or not. Or so I’m told by my psychiatrist.)

Today, I feel my meds aren’t working. At all.

I feel depressed, suicidal, I’m seeing spiders, the man I usually see, and bloody needles everywhere, etc.

I also have urges to cut, drink, smoke, etc…

I…

My mother wants to send me back to the hospital.

But to residential. That’s “long-term”. I’d stay […]

I cannot tell you how many times ever since roughly around high school that I’ve had thoughts about killing myself. And yet, after all those thoughts, I’ve managed to stay alive to the age of 23 on March 17th. How I managed to stay alive for so long? Reminding myself that I have a purpose in this crazy world of ours. Yet after continuously reminding myself of that idea, I underwent possibly my worst breakdown that I’ve had for the longest time about a creative way to erase my existence because of a conversation with my parents, specifically my father, that I’ve heard dozens of […]

The other day, my mother laughed at me when I told her that she was harassing me. I told her it was not funny, then she became defensive and looked as if she were going to hit me, shouting and turning red. Curse words were thrown here and there. She knows I’m not good at strong confrontation, so I broke down. I couldn’t explain to her how miserable  my existence feels, but I did let her know that I was seriously depressed. When she finally left my bedroom, I just sat on the edge of my bed and eyed the extension cord to my laptop because I […]

I know that there are people that have it a loss worse than I do. Believe me- I’ve been told many times. But I’ve lost most of my vision in the last 4 months and it’s eating me alive. I can’t drive anymore, I keep tripping and knocking stuff over. It’s getting harder and harder to come up with a reason to NOT do it. I know that ending myself would destroy my wife and kids, but so would living with a miserable old blind guy. I’m depressed all the time. I’ve always surrounded myself with beautiful paintings and artwork, but now I can barely […]

Held hands
A warm embrace
A smile
Peace
Success
These have all passed on by
Leaving nothing but a bitter taste
A vague memory of better days
Of love long lost, but never found
Of carefree days, no longer available
Memory
Love
Pride
Meaning
Happiness
These too, have passed on by
Hopelessness settles in
A feeling of despair, of hate
Light fades as darkness grows
And twilight settles in
Resolve
Hope
Friends
Family
Help
Have passed on by
Faded, blown away by the wind
A final act, devoid of emotion
Shows a way to escape, to finally find peace
It too, is passed on by.

I’m 19. A college student at the engineering department.I thought that if i could make it and pass to my college this would make me get rid of depression, fake and painful friendships, broken parent relationships and a life full of misery, full of wretchedness. Apparently non of these are true. My life is falling apart while it seems that noone cares about me.I’m locked in my house almost everyday doing nothing, while l’m living parasitic.The phone almost never rings and when it does it is probably my family for the typical stuff. Yes, i tried therapy and apparently it did me no good. Some […]

Here’s my story.

I grew up with my mom, dad and 3 siblings. I remember my parents loving each other once but it didn’t last long. They stayed together because of us children. I really don’t remember much from my childhood. I know there were happy times but I have no memory of them. What I do remember is dad banging moms head into the wall, mom sleeping on the couch every night, arguing etc.

I have an older brother who ever since i can remember beat me up. I believe he would be classified as a psychopath, would he ever see a therapist. He beat up […]

Strike your heart to the core…or listen on your final day.

Whatever you feel, get right to the bottom of yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GfhuWxa-_I

(original scene here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxJA374OCIQ)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5yr1Wmjpw1M

(original here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZoS8jkYvPE)

This goes out to all those who encourage others to take their own life and not to those who are desperately seeking help.  To the latter, I am so sorry that life is so bad and that there seems like no other option is out there.  I can only hope that you can find some kind of peace and happiness eventually.

I have been on this site for a few days now just looking at different posts and have to say from a person who has lost a Son through suicide I am so sick of looking at all the crap on here.

So many people on […]

Her Lips, His Ear
Her Pain, His Tear
Both Taken Away From All Love Ever Known
Both Have No Place To Call A Home.
So As They Fade Into The Abyss Of The Night
She Struggles In The Noose She Wrapped So Tight.
He Stays By Her Side Just As Blood Trickles From His Veins,
Not Even Love From A True Cry,
Could Cure Their Pains.

You know what ive learned from this site? There ins’t the best or painless or easy way of dying. Newsflash: they all will suck, hurt and be difficult to complete.

I had a really bad nightmare, I woke up crying. I dreamed that my family came to the decision that we were going to kill ourselves. So we drenched a bed in gasoline and layed down in it. Then I lit the match and everything was orange and hot. Pretty messed up. Maybe it means, subconciously, i feel like if i kill myself then my family will die too, i burn myself with melted candle wax so that explains the fire.

Ive been in school for 3 years. I wasted the first two because I had bad grades the first year. I had alot going on in my head but mostly I wasted alot of time. Truth be told i was depressed; i ate alot which is why I’m overweight 5’6″ and 195lbs. I also began to cut myself. but I couldn’t even do that right cause i never actually used a knife. I am in school as a Pre-med student and it’s all ive wanted for so long, that for two years ive avoided actually analyzing whether or not I actually want to do it […]

I constantly feel depressed and it’s getting to a point where all i can think of is killing myself, and you know the funny part? I was Hoping to not make it to my 18th birthday which is this Sunday. It gets me even more depressed that I’m still not dead. Is that crazy? I think so. But I could care less, there is absolutely nothing wrong in my life.. at least that could attain from all this sadness I have. My boyfriend.. He’ a good person, but fuck he doesn’t understand my pain. No one does. I hate everything, nothing is ever good enough […]

So lately my life has been nothing but a drag. I have clinical depression bi-polar disorder aniexty issues and panic disorder. Everything will go great for me for a couple months and then shut the next day. I’m starting to feel like friends family and my boyfriend aren’t enough. I need help. I’ve been cutting since the 7th grade and have attempted a few times.