Tried looking for help on a forum more focused on my specific issues. Was actually fully honest and open for once. Went pretty much as I’d expected. My post was taken down almost instantly. Some things you just can’t talk about, even to those who might understand. The only interaction I got was from a mod. They were respectful, but all they had to say was basically “You need to fix yourself before involving yourself with others. Fix your desire to do unacceptable things.”

And that’s pretty much all anyone ever has to say. And the question I always have is “How do you stop wanting […]

Pretty self-explanatory. I just can’t. Even earlier today, when I had helped work outside, and then had to take a shower, and then had to get ready to go to a thing. It took nearly everything out of me. I’m glad I went to the thing – someone I care about was there and I’d like to at least hope she was glad I was there. But… it was just so much.

Getting out of bed, and getting out of this room, has only been getting harder. So, other tasks are even worse. Even the most basic cleanliness is just… so hard for me. Being around […]

It’s not by accident that I don’t have good words for where I am. Despite a lifetime of trying to become a better communicator, some things defy communication. Which was the central thesis of HP Lovecraft. Actually his was more that some things defy comprehension, but that’s pretty close philosophically.

I’m falling ever deeper into anhedonia, where nothing feels of any significance or satisfaction. It’s the ADHD, mostly. Depression does it also. I have trouble engaging with materials, like books or games I might play. Food I might eat, that’s a struggle. Projects I need to accomplish, very little luck on that front some days.

It’s just […]

I remember a time that I hung myself and woke up on the floor with a dog leash around my neck.

There was a specific point, in trying to end myself, that I knew I could still save myself. Choosing not to pull myself up and release myself took a lot of courage that I haven’t had since.

Since then, I tried putting a handgun to my head but couldn’t find the strength to pull the trigger. It was found in my nightstand while I was away from home, by someone who cares about me. What a joke.

I need […]

I have an ability. I remember people’s zodiac signs if I read it or hear it once. I know heartless viking is an aquarius, eternal darkness is a taurus, plainwhite is a virgo but not so sure, Never Was is a cancer, Once, an older member is an aquarius, a guy with a username something like a1957 is a virgo, Wasp a woman from Australia is a gemini, J Doe is a Sagittarius. And I also remember signs of some older members that are not active. I don’t know everybody’s sign because some never told it.

I haven’t been on here in a while and I want to believe that I had been generally doing well during that time. Recently, I have been thinking about cutting again. I haven’t cut for at least six months but it’s been heavy on my mind the past few months since I haven’t been talking to one of my only friends and bad things just keep happening in general.

Today I found out I failed my final for a class I’m retaking. It was the third final in a row I had and I pulled my third all nighter. This class has already set me back […]

I have to learn to shut my fucking mouth. 2 days. Maybe a little over 48 hours. I said that I felt “genuinely happy” for the first time in a long time. Well that lasted around a day and a half maybe. Stupid miserable piece of shit robot refuses to fucking work. Like it’s doing it out of spite. It works. It works for one test. I do absolutely nothing to it beyond maybe moving it around a little, gone. Won’t fucking move. In the most hilarious way, God manages to fuck me again. […]

I’ve been living with a tendency toward suicide for about 2 decades. From a young age, what ought to have been teenage angst has turned into a lifelong struggle for sanity. Last saturday, I finally suffered a psychological break. This makes me realize how sane I have been all along. It’s caused me to dive deep into exploring my propensity for the morbid act of suicide.

In times that I’m trying to build on my life, trying to ignore my struggles and everything that stands in my way, I’m quite optimistic. In those times, I believe there is some grand purpose to it […]

I’m starting to get a little scared. Lately I’ve been happy. Like legitimately happy. Not those brief times you get to breath between the constant hellish everyday that you have. Where you’re content, but in the back of your head you know what’s coming. So you can’t be too content. It feels like something’s wrong. Like it’s not supposed to be like this. Even when things are falling apart around me and I’m going to be stuck working all through Christmas, I still feel happy. So much so that I was wondering if it was the […]

Death, my sweet melancholy friend,

Why have you hidden your face from me for so long?

I longed for you, but I could not find you.

As time went on, things only worsened in your absence.

Now, I can feel you are near.

Let me clear my schedule. Let me set the time aside for you.

You are the only one I can trust to hear my burdens as I lay in your cold embrace.

Reach out your hand, and invite me into your dark abode.

You and I both know life wasn’t meant for us.

i feel that if i don’t make a significant change that society notices, i will never be enough. i feel that i won’t be missed.
what’s the point to live if you don’t do anything with what potential you have? i believe i can do more than i think, but will i? it hurts to think i’ll never make it anywhere in life. it hurts to think there isn’t a future for me. it hurts to think i’m irrelevant.
i want to be noticed. to maintain my life, i *need* to be noticed. i *need* to make a change.

so we thought it was without reason, there was a reason at least according to what they told the employment commission, it was that I had the wrong kind of smoke on break. I’m spiraling down in tight awful spirals

hard dissemble, nothing to leave out now.

partway down now; the thing is I don’t trust outside of the prepared group easily, and this time I did, and this is why I don’t. If you aren’t pre vetted, there’s a reason you aren’t pre vetted. Definitely leaning into more militaristic and guarded from here on. You vet or you don’t, and most people don’t. Honest, I’m low […]

Today I finally had enough spare money left over to finally be able to afford a specific tool set to repair my electric scooter wheel/motor.

I got a roof over my head, I got food in the fridge and in my belly, I’m connected to my siblings again, I got shoes without holes, I’m 3+ months sober, I got a job, I got over $600 in my bank account.

Life is good, I am slowly rebuilding my life […]

I gave myself 25 years. Turning 26 on the 18th. That was one of the bigger motivators when I was actually going to go through with it. That, flunking, failing my internship and just general mental and physical stress were the perfect combo. Don’t ever think things will line up that well again. I’m sure that’s not true. Suffering is a cycle. Then something came up and I had to pivot. Probably going to be sticking around MA for the winter. That really blows. I’ve talked to my parents more recently. I assured them […]

sometimes it is just too late isn’t it? my social skills can’t be salvaged, so employability is in the gutter. i already knew that. i really want to confide in someone, i want the ability to, it’s like a superpower to me. i wish there were more websites like this, i can’t seem to find anything else apart from the popular one that’s been in the news.

i wish i could telepathically communicate my ideas to people, i can’t get over my barriers. i would be okay with not saying a word for the rest of my life if i could. i have been asleep for years. what’s […]

All the reaction I get is if I point out that the American middle class is disappearing, which is like pointing out that water is wet. come on, gotta keep the fingers in typing shape, voices in talking shape in case something worth talking about comes around right?

If you all went out and got active social lives not being on here, by all means tell us about it.

Geez, don’t make a fella beg. Ever since losing my spot at the agency, and getting sick, I don’t have folk to listen to, to unpack their problems for, and I’m kinda undefinied without it. I need problems […]

There are days I think I will just take the rest of my meds and see what happens. So many changes. Impulse control is always an issue. Anyway hello everyone.

‘ Have you got a light?” is the title of this post. The layout has changed and I can’t write in the title box.rant over.

I was at a wedding. I don’t drink but considering the day that was in it, I decided to drink. I got a pint of Coors light at the bar. It’s a pretty good beer Coors slight, a cool crisp taste and keeps it head until you reach the bottom of the glass. My mentality was now that I had one pint I might as well have a second, now that I had a second I might as well have a […]

This has been at least a week with this head cold, and I’m still trying to work it like I’m not

it occurs to me that usually I’m the one in control. Getting sick doesn’t usually happen to me, in the normal course of events. I’ve usually got everything in a chokehold, my immune system is on the list. I must be in quite a situation to have gotten this low. I’m really pissed at the ex job right now. What did I go through retraining for eh? What was the point of all that? I’m too nice to everbody in this world, that’s a certified […]

The hours tick by and all it does is turn dim thoughts in my head into neon signs that I can’t look away from. Reality, I guess. Myself.

I don’t know how I have the audacity to continue being alive. Knowing, despite the effort I do put in, it’s not really enough. And that I’m too pathetic to put any more in. So I sit here, being a god damn parasite to everything. Everyone. All I do is suck the life out of people. Burden good people more than they’re already burdened. I don’t know how they can even look at me, much less include me […]