well, after hyping myself up for it, looks like the grocery store is a bust, or at least the one I wanted to work at. Maybe I’ll apply for others, but I’m feeling let down by the whole thing. I wanted to walk into a job, literally, that’s a thing that used to happen.

First, they require people apply online…. what’s the point being a job of last resort if you require as much work as actual good jobs (and I mean work to get, not work on the job). Then they also only had one opening, for overnight. I’m not doing overnight, it’s the one […]

It’s been 40+ years of this hellscape.
40+ years of pain and suffering.
40+ years of loneliness and never belonging anywhere.
40+ years of never being loved or cared by anyone.
40+ years of being fucking poor.
20+ years of being chronically sick.

Just tired of it all. I just want a DECENT life. Why can’t I even have a DECENT life?

When will I have love in my life?
When will I have joy in my life?
When will I be happy??
When will I be ok with myself?
When will I have a secure future?

I had a forgotten drunken one night stand years ago with a former coworker when i first had my psychotic break. Weeks later i noticed she had been doting over me and smiling like her first christmas whenever she seen me even though we we never close emotionaly atleast. Then one time we were working the same shift overnight and i noticed the baby bump. Not remembering sleeping with her then(xanax will do that) i chalked up her excitement at seeing me as horny pregnancy hormones or something. I seen her shopping two years ago with a guy i know and a young child thats […]

so i’ve been keyed into being an eccentric reclusive addictive for a while, i just took my first serious work questionnaire and remembered i can pick up social/financial skills if i so desire. previously considering it “beneath me” and not “authentic” but you know what? sometimes the truth is needed, and sometimes it isn’t. going to try to blend a little positivity into my jaded-ness. we share that only with close ones. i never learned how to put a mask on, time is now. will make life much easier, easier than trying to make every single person see me for me or themselves for themselves. […]

Made some friends last year, and we all got really close really quick.
Even back then I was scared of how quick I was warming up to them.
Had the best year of my life back then though.
Closest bonds I ever forged I think.
Now we’re slowly, subtly drifting apart.
And I might be worse than ever before.

I was at the train station. There was a junky going around putting the bite on ppl to use their phone. I couldn’t listen to this shit first thing on a Monday morning. The junky approached me ” Can I use your phone to ring my poor dying mother?” Said the junky. Who the fuck would buy a story like that, or even be able to listen to this shit in the first place. ” Nah…. man” I said.  ” I’ll ask soneone else” said the junky in a deflated manner. ” You do that” I said. I would rather be judged by twelve than […]

I’m in my 30s, have avoidant personality disorder, no friends, no family. I am literally alone all the time. My inner voice has turned into my father telling me how stupid I am. I’m a bit of perfectionist and often call myself “dumb mother fucker” over small things, like dropping my keys.

I’m in college but I don’t feel challenged. Life has become dull and I can’t stop visualizing quickly ending my life. I have a plan to do just that but make it seem as if I just left without a trace. Of course that takes time. I’ve been single for over tens […]

go back in time and undo some decisions… -_-

I haven’t done anything “bad” but like…some decisions have just fucked me up really fucking bad. Just went to the wrong university, got the wrong degree, moved to the wrong cities, and definitely shouldn’t have moved home to my abusive mom’s shitty house- what a boneheaded move…just a whole bunch of stuff like that.

Like some I really didn’t know what was going to happen (like taking that job offer or moving to that city) but others like moving back home- THAT I should have known better. I feel like a dumbass for making ALL the […]

Idk what I’m doing on here – I mean, I’m no different than I am any other time. Today was alright. Was able to hang w my little sister for awhile. Showed her how to play Skyrim a bit, fucked around. It was fun. I may or may not have had to do most of the work, but I was fine with it ahaha. Also, idk what’s up mom’s ass lately, but I’m getting tired of it. The passive aggressive “oh you could do x, y, z for me/us, since you don’t ever do anything” or acting like I’m the most disgusting, vile creature on […]

young person with ODD and emotionally/psychologically/physically abusive tendencies. that’s in the past, and i’d say no one around me had lasting effects, but i’m not entirely sure. perfectionistic tendencies when it comes to my environment and the people in it which makes others see me as stunted. need to get started on anything. anything to move forward. thinking about the arts and the social sciences, but may need to get a trade to be able to live on my own and let others not have to take care of me. don’t have any close relationships. obsessive. scared of getting into bad relationship dynamics/falling into unhealthy […]

I’m 20 years old and a freshman in university, and yet I feel like I’m failing as an adult already. I have little job experience and I’m trying to find a job currently (with no success), I have no car or license because of my first time going to inpatient my senior year and I have no money to my name. I am barely getting by right now and I don’t know what I’ll even do in the future. I don’t have much of a will to live or to graduate, but I’m still dragging myself through it. If  I had the opportunity to kill […]

I wasn’t going to post about it, my progress, because up until right about now I felt like it wasn’t significant enough.

However, that’s something I’m working on in therapy, being happy with any progress. Also I think it hit critical mass for being worth heaping praise on.

First thing; I’ve been getting out on my bike more often. Last Monday after my interview I did a little 10 mile stint, today I did 14-15 miles. I was still sore from last week, and that’s the real measure of progress for me (apart from losing weight), my recovery time has been going to pot, and it has […]

I’ve tried to express this before, but there’s something absurd about experiencing desires that cannot be satisfied. I can recognise that yearning after these things is making me miserable – that it would be far better for me to let them go. Even that letting go of such things is a necessary condition for any human to be happy and fulfilled in the long term, that they’re ultimately superficial and unnecessary.

My life would be better in so many ways if I just didn’t want the things that I want, or if I didn’t feel the desire so intensely. But if someone were to offer to […]

tried to get started with my life at another location for six months. i mentioned my suicidal ideation and they just sent me to another inpatient, not allowing me to return. needless to say, im back from that inpatient and went back to live with family. i don’t really think this is a good fit for me, but i can’t keep stretching my limits here. hopefully i can make it thrugh this, however many yeaars it takes.. don’t really know if i can do it.

Loneliness is killing me

I just feel like I’m drowning. I’m so numb. I’m so tired of everything. Most of all, I’m tired of myself. I yearn for escape of any kind. Release. An end to all of this chaos, that never leaves my mind. The chaos of this world in general. The chaos that is myself. I’m exhausted. I’m mentally and emotionally just… drained. I’ve been drained for months. I don’t think it will ever end. I think I will constantly be in this drained state, even IF (a big if) I get around to getting my life actually, ya know, started… but that’s just the way of […]

…be living life better than humans O_o

I’ve always had bad luck. Always. God know he loves fucking me over. Yesterday I wake up early, 8 am, and think for a moment about skipping my 9 am class. I push through. The day before we got lots of snow. So of course, because God never misses a chance to fuck me over, while walking to school I slip on some ice and sprain my ankle. Fuck you too. I limp the rest of the way to school. Realize that it’s worse than I want to admit, I uber back to my apartment, grab […]

So many of my friends have had such, such difficult lives before I met them and even still now. They’re so much stronger than me for living through their issues. One friend works to provide for their family, and has been since they were sixteen (twenty now). They’ve provided over 7k to their shitty parents who don’t value them nearly enough (they don’t even have a bedroom) and one of which is a druggie.

Why are they able to go on? They’re very traumatized, I know, but they go on. They’re not even suicidal and they told me they haven’t even ever considered self-harm.