I am trying to hold on, but I have been steadily tidying up my life these last weeks and I am throwing away my career and my life very quickly. I am steadily working towards the end and although I feel really bad right now, I know I will hold on another day or two. I keep trying to find excuses to carry on just one more day (new tattoos, new clothes/shoes to be bought tomorrow), anything at all. But it is all crap and means nothing. It is just a distraction from where I know I am heading. I hate to set deadlines, none […]
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Appointment
this is my first post so if i jibber-jabber to much i do apologize. im new at this the thought of a bunch of strangers reading this is still kind of weird but one of you might be or have been in the position im in and i would actually like to know the thoughts of someone that i guess can somewhat understand me. so here goes a bit of whats on my mind right now….
i get suicidal thoughts a lot lately. a couple days ago, i guess you can say i had a bit of a melt down. i was texting one of […]
I grow tired of the repaired, reconstructed, and rebuilt. I envy many of you who have faced your challenges (depression, suicide, overdose attempts, and so much more).
In all those moments you have made your life easier.
In these comments I commend you, but for many of us the battle of psych freedom is a road longer, darker, and perilous.
I am not trying to compare who is more ill (or was) but staying “just pull yourself out of it” is like a blind parent talking to a child who can see, touch, and taste the sorrow around them.
I am older than many of the […]
Today I was braver than I have been in a long time.
Last year I began starving and throwing up to lose weight. It became a major problem but I made sure no one told. It got better for a few weeks, then took a plunge in December. Coaches, teachers, and friends grew extremely concerned, but I tried making everyone believe I was fine. They saw through me and I started having routine visits to our guidance counselor to check up on me. I lied to her. She found out I lied. I was forced into counseling. At first, I thought I would try, but I […]
There’s a new girl who is in the waiting room at my psychiatrist’s office. She sits and waits while I sit and wait. She must be seeing someone else in the building at the same time as my appointment. She is pretty. She has more exposed cuts than anyone else I have seen. They look like they were put there deliberately. Most are completely healed. I want to say hi to her. I want to ask if she will be my friend. She looks sad and I feel crazy. Would it be wrong to ask […]
Depression slowly crept up on me 2.5 years ago. Â I had a feeling of being unwanted. Â I felt like my friends were ignoring me, and it seemed like no one cared about me. Â The depression kept getting worse and worse everyday. Â I am the type of person that keeps my emotions to myself, so I’d try to put on a happy face whenever I was around people. Â Recently, I noticed that I’m not depressed 100% of the time. Â I looked up why that might be, and my symptoms matched the bipolar disorder symptoms. Â I finally decided I needed help, so I scheduled an appointment with […]
I had an appointment to see my  psychiatrist and my mum was with me, im 15 and my psychiatrist asked my mum about our family history and after some stuff they talked, i don’t know i wasn’t concerntrating but i heard my name and i started to listen, im sitting beside my mum. and my mum said when i was 5 years old i caused her so much stress she took me to a bridge and she was going to throw me off the bridge and kill me because i cause her alot of stress and she couldn’t handle me…. but my dad saw what was […]
Is it weird that to me taking 40 advil for a headache seems reasonable even if you know it won’t work? I don’t see the big deal. It took me 59 to OD last time so 40 is nothing to worry about. Yet, no one believes me when I say I was not trying to hurt/ kill myself. Stupid people. They all know I don’t lie. I want to get better. It just struck me as something interesting to do. Why not try it? I handeled it fine and all of it was out of my system the next day during my psych appointment but […]
I watched a “19 Kids and Counting” episode yesterday that’s given me new perspective on life. It was about the mom who was pregnant with her 20th child and she went to her 18-week ultrasound appointment to find out if it was a boy or girl but then the u/s tech told them the baby did not have a heartbeat. They were devastated, of course, and it was so sad to watch. But on the other hand, it was neat to see how the family banded together through their grief and supported one another. (That’s kind of like this site, huh?) Anyway, seeing how much […]
I’m 23 years old. I’ve been depressed for over a decade. I attempted suicide at the age of 12, trying to hang myself with my bedsheets. I gave up because I had nothing I could hang myself from that would support my weight.
All through my school years, I never seemed able to make friends. I kept to myself and read books.
Up until recently- maybe two years ago- the exact reasons for my depression were unclear to me. I finally figured out that I was transgender, and I managed to push past the stereotypes on TV of “men in dresses, heels and heavy makeup”, and met […]
People tell me it’s al my fault.
Everything.
That depression can easily be controlled and easily healed.
They don’t know the half of it.
People leave the mentally sick and tell us to become independent, but the physically sick get a hug and they’re told that everything will be all right.
Why isn’t someone on my side?
I go to doctors appointment, talk to therapists, meet with advisors, get my medications and pay for it all. All by myself.
And I’m not even 19 years old yet.
Why isn’t there someone telling me that I’m doing something right?
I don’t do everything wrong, do I?
I’m still human.
Just like them. I’m not any different. Just […]
Why am I such a stupid fuck? I really cant stand myself. 2 hours by myself and I’m “in a mood” again. Wasn’t even contemplaiting suicide this morning because I was working a bit and suddenly, like a fingersnap, I just want to die. I remember that I despise myself. And that I’m the most disgusting monster on the planet.
I like being by myself, because I can do whatever I want. But I guess I really need distraction. Especially if I havent smoked weed yet. Thought I should smoke less so I didnt smoke yet. (no thats a lie I tell myself, I didnt earn […]
So today was a disaster. Â And it’s only starting. I was supposed to see my doctor today. Â And as much as I have been dreading it, today, when I didn’t have it, I realized just how much I had been relying on it. Â Just trying to hold on until there was help. Â But there isn’t any. Â I cried and cried. Â I missed the train. Â I had cut myself in the train station bathroom. Â Then while I was waiting for the train I felt the blood moving down my leg and realized I had to do something to stop it or else I was going to […]
So i’ve been posting on here for a while. Â I hope no one is getting annoyed with me. Â I just write and write. Â But it gets my feelings out, and to people who understand.
My doctors appointment is tomorrow. Â And I promised myself and distant.road that I will tell the truth. Â Which scares me witless. Â Because the truth is I am questioning whether to be here and the truth is I am hurting myself throughout the day every day and the truth is if I had the means today I would probably end it.
And I know what she will say. Â And I know what I say […]
I thought I knew my husband, but it’s clear I don’t have a freaking clue who he is. We’ve been together 10 years, married 9 and I don’t know this man. He’s been keeping secrets, and I think probably has from the beginning.
A bit of background, mainly for me…I’m trying to makes sense of nonsense. He’s from Nigeria, a doctor, I’m white from the US and a nurse. We got set up on a blind date. Married 5 months later. Me stupidly thinking he loved me. Almost immediately he takes a trip to Nigeria, for over a month, over the next 4 years he probably […]
hi there I’m 28yrs old and don’t know what to do anymore i have 4 kids which at the moment i don’t like I’ve been told that due to depression which Ive suffered for years since being a kid all i want to do is end all this for me and them as i know that as long as I’m here there not going to be happy and i no that wen i go they will all have loving happy places to go to life is so shit i just don’t know how to cope i no how im gonna do it i already told […]
I canceled my next appointment with my shrink. I feel as if I’ve given up on myself already. I started cutting again and it feels amazing to wake up from such blankness. That apathy, mind over matter. However, the tolerance is already building; fast this time. I’m already running the cuts under hot water for the extra wake up sensation.
What is it about our society that makes us fear and hate death so much? We are brainwashed, conditioned to value life and disapprove of death.
Maybe it’s because we are born selfish and our actions are primarily done in self interest. For example, let’s say I […]
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