Random swirl of thoughts

I have an important assignment for school, that I NEED to do today, it’s already like a week late, and it basically determines if I graduate from high school. But I can’t work on it. My mind is reeling, it’s not ordered, it’s not focused, its all over the place. I NEED to do this assignment but I can’t. I just keep thinking about all my fuckups. I keep remembering the last time I was happy, and I want to go back there. I want to but I can’t it’s in the past and I can’t get it back. I’ve been so unhappy for so long. I’ve been thinking about suicide for so long that it doesn’t take anything big to get me thinking about it. It’s always in the back of my mind, like, “maybe today is the day” even though that day was really ok. I just replay all the bad moments again and again. I’m a good person, I know I am, I take care of people, my “friends”, my family, complete strangers. Even people that are complete ass holes to me, I treat kindly. I know I’m not a complete failure as a human being I know I’m not. But today for some reason I feel like the world would be better without me. This last year, I went from having a bunch of friends to none. Every night I’d be hanging out with 5-10 different people, and I loved it. There was a girl, and I think if I had just gone for it, that maybe it would’ve worked out, she was everything I wanted. She introduced me to all those people, she was the first person that I let into my life in a LONG time, she was the first to ask me about my scars, and she actually listened. She listened to me. That almost never happens because I’m usually so quiet that people don’t pay attention anymore when I DO talk, but she did. I miss her, but she’s gone at college now, with a boyfriend. I’m stuck here in this shitty town haunted by the memories, everywhere I go, I see memories, seriously EVERYWHERE. I want to go back in time. I want to shout at her that I love her, beg for her to give me a chance. Give her everything, anything, that my broken being can possibly give her. She was my hope in someday. My someday’s gone now.