I’m trying so hard to reclaim my mind from self harm. It’s been five days since I last cut. The first two were okay. The third hard after these kids at school were….. Well they were them. The fourth worse. I was at my best friends birthday party when one of our friends invited a guy. (It was supposed to be just eight of us girls) I was okay at first, then he got out of his car. I got a bad feeling. Immediately after he got out of his car. I was scared. I hid. With my friends I stayed the farthest away from […]
I took this photo this morning of my dog Finnegan slurping my cat, Charlie Chow Mein. Maybe I should say his cat. Finnegan is laid back. You can take food out of his mouth and he won’t bite you. If he feels his cat is being threatened though he will become fiercely protective. He will place himself between the perceived threat and the cat, be the threat human or another animal, and he will growl menacingly, his back hairs standing up a bit. And if the […]
i thought I was doing well. I thought I had been able to overcome some aspects of depression and hit art a new, better life. But one bad day brought me back to the point I was at over a year ago. One. Bad. Day.
I feel tired. And emotionless. If I can’t feel joy, fine, I’ll choose pain as a close second. Most times I have to smoke or drink in order to feel that pain. It’s almost cathartic.
I go about my days wondering why the fuck I’m still here. The way I think, the way I do things just never seem to match up with how the world works. My personality isn’t exactly the most pleasant which holds me back in almost everything, including job opportunities and relationships. It scares me. I’m not doing anything, not contributing anything… not enjoying any part of this fucked up sedentary lifestyle. Let’s […]
Feels like eons since I’ve been on this site, but in “reality” it has only been a few weeks. I moved 4 hours away from my previous home, got a job at walmart making a pittance to run around like a headless chicken. Stressing to the max about money. And still wanting to kill myself.
I found a super awesome guy who’s letting me rent his room and is understanding about me not having the rent money until I get paid in 2-4 weeks. And he has a really cool 15 year old daughter who stays with him part time. I love teenagers. They’re so much […]
Yet another day I am woken early. Why this time? I don’t have a friggin clue! No kids to watch, no food to watch, no doors to be left unlocked & I dont need to go anywhere. Not that I can cos the only key I have is the garage door remote & they stopped working & cannot be moved manually.
So here I am, finally having a good sleep, when my friend wakes me up, to inform me that they are leaving. I dont remember agreeing to go anywhere today, & the kids are dressed & not playing xbox & she has a key to […]
It’s been such a long time. Just by being back here I feel all the hidden pain come rushing to the surface. It’s fimilar, almost comforting.
I’m ashamed to be here. Understanding my depression, and facing it head on, was my greatest downfall in life. Yet somehow, I tamed the beast. I lived two years of happiness. Oh god, it was purely amazing. Looking back, it was remarkable, something I’d never thought possible. I cannot say that I’m angry it’s over, there’s no self pity here. I am grateful for the time I was given. I always knew in the back of my mind, that my […]
What else can I say? I was clinging to the hope of things getting better last week. Then I got it. Right between the eyes. I’ve had a good run at my job that lasted over ten years – great relationships with the past three CEO’s and then the one bad ape the has wanted the job forever but just couldn’t slither her way in finally got her foot in the door right when her best friend was still board chair. Three people staged a coup and forced the current boss out and slipped the ***** in. I’ve know for several years by the questions […]
I really worry that nothing could be wrong with me. Unlike most people, I don’t experience typical signs of depression. I don’t feel inferior to others or feel sad all day. I just feel like there is no point to life, and therefore, I want to end it because I am going to die sooner or later, and nothing I accomplish has any inherent value. I have a generally negative outlook on life, but I also believe I am more aware of global issues than my family. My stepfather is a hotheaded, homophobic racist. My mother is quite the average see-what-I-want-to-see Christian. She’s wearing rose-tinted […]
So many posts I read on here, so much loneliness, emptiness, self anger and hatred I wish I/we had the opportunity to meet one another and assist each other through these times. The powers that be know I can use a friend! Were all destined to die eventually its just getting through the “now” that’s so fukin difficult. I know I wish I had an understanding individual to chill with. Well back to my lonely world, to those that plan on killing themselves, good luck and to everyone else I hope you have an understanding friend to turn to!!! Good day all
Here’s what I mean. I just came back from going upto the shops. It took me 2hrs to walk up there & back. I walk in the door, everybody is downstairs & NOBODY notices me. I walk, or rather hobble, right infront of them & no one says anything. Its like I don’t exist until someone wants something from me!
I just want my old life back. Where I was happy, or could pretend easily, would go out every weekend, drink, make friends. Where noone told me I should do this or that, people needed me for help, but they would also help me. Where I […]
I just went on her tumblr page and i saw she got a tattoo of a flower and im pretty sure its a sunflower… is that to remind her of me? I mean that is who i am… If it is then thats fucked up because she dosent talk to me anymore but I do hope that I mean that mmuch to her that it is… but who am i kidding it probs isnt; its most likely just a flower and i’m no where on her mind. I dont know how I went from having such close friends to basically ZERO! I would love to […]
Live, or rather, stuck on an island. No way to get back home. Was sitting on the beach last night. Early morn. Dark and deserted. Stars filling the wide sky. No real waves, just little ones lapping the shore, coming in from the black sea. No lights, no people no boats. Just me and my longing to see my daughter one last time in more than a decade. How I wish i could live. How I wish I could die.
Just walk into the dark waters. Just keep walking. Nobody there that will see, hear or rescue you. JUST FUCKIN WALK YOU FUCKING COWARD!!!!!
I tried to kill myself today the bottle pills I ended up picking them back up every time I try either back out or doesn’t so after all this I’m going to try again I learn things today no 1 no should no about so I’m going to try again
Every night, I am presented with a truth and every night I only ever speak in it’s truth. The earth trembles, harder. I won’t be going back to the weed store again. When I mean now, I need not to say it again. I’m going on a vacation, by September. My declaration of all. Godspeed.
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Well, its been a while. A long time since I’ve been viewing the stories here, an even longer time since I bothered to write; truth being I’ve haven’t been able to write (the one think I was once able to do well, now diminished). I guess you find that time of night on that particular day when you feel its about time you came back to just have a look, see how terrible it is that there are some many more people feeling that suicidal depressed way.
I’ve started intense studying. How fantastic (it isn’t). I never knew I tired like this. I’ve always been tired, […]
This is how it usually is.
My mind is whirling; an endless buzzing that steadily grows louder.
Yet when I try to talk to someone, when I try to express or explain what’s going on inside
I freeze up.
I blank out.
All I feel like I can manage to say is “I don’t know”
Just like now.
I want to get out the parasitic thoughts but when I put my fingers to this keyboard I can’t get anything to come out.
And as I reread this to myself I can’t help but laugh because of how artificial the words appear.
That they don’t do justice […]
For English we had to write an essay making something personal into a public service announcement. Naturally, I chose mental illness. This is my personal aspect:
Self preservation is the body’s natural instinct to protect itself from harm or death. In times of starvation, a human will resort to cannibalism, or in times of extreme stress, our sympathetic nervous system will release adrenaline in a “fight or flight” response. So what happens with our brains fight with our bodies on whether or not to live? When the brain wants nothing more to kill itself off than the body naturally tries to keep going? Mental illness […]
I don’t want to go back to school and be bullied even more, and yet i’m still here on this planet. What’s worse, the look on my foster families faces when they see my dead body or the daily torment of bullies?
My story of depression starts when I was 12. I self harmed for the first time. I didn’t have any friends and I was considered a loser. Looking back, I realize I wasn’t that depressed then. I was depressed, but not terribly bad. No, things started going horribly wrong my freshman year of high school. I couldn’t pay attention in class because I would start imagining my death. Blades were my crutch. I managed to make a few friends, but people still knew me as a loser. I was sad all the time, that’s all I really remember. I was never happy. Happy was as […]