I was talking to my mother on the phone and she was yelling (this is hardly the first time and it’s not even a huge deal) and I just completely lost it, I started sobbing right there. I couldn’t even keep quiet and she noticed and asked why I was crying, and to make it worse I’m pretty sure my grandparents might have heard me too. I kept trying to put a hand over my mouth to not make noise but then my nose made noise when I gasped, and then I just pinched it too, which finally made me quiet but then I couldn’t breathe […]
Had an appointment with the specialist today.
Her expert opinion was “There’s nothing more we can do for you.”
So no additional appointments were made, and as far as they’re concerned, I’m “done”.
Not even willing to discuss options about the tumor thing.
It was the oddest feeling, wheeling back out to the car, knowing I wouldn’t be coming back, but also knowing that I was still in just as much trouble.
I wonder if they just don’t want to be held liable if I end up dying while still […]
I’ve been here for a few years now, but on and off. My life’s been a rollercoaster really and I’ve been through all sorts of good and bad things. Eventually I would hit a low point, where I really would feel like there’s nothing left for me. The triggers would be different every time. Things always change and that’s so stressful.
But throughout the years, every time I’ve returned here to share my feelings or read others’ stories; this site has always been here. And it looks the same now as it did on my very first day. And there’s something special to me about that. […]
Background, bipolar, recently diagnosed as an adult in my 40’s. Have a relatively successful life, 2 great kids and am in the middle of a divorce because he is a narcissist. Apparently the only time my bipolar issues become an issue is when I am under extreme stress. Like say sharing a house for a year with someone you don’t like.
If I could figure out how to protect my kids I would be gone. That simple, that complex. I want my kids safe so I live.
I don’t know how to find the balance I need to keep going. Meds keep having weird side […]
I know I brought this up several times already, but this happens with me often, with my guidance or anyone really. Happened with the psychologist today. You know when they bring up suicide or something dire like that, you can’t help but *smile* or *laugh*.
God its embarrassing. I guess its to take the pressure off, since its a heavy topic. Or maybe its because we all have to laugh at a topic like that. Its possible, in my case, I felt like crying so bad, that all I can manage is a laugh or smile.
Its stupid. I tried so hard not to smile or laugh. […]
I don’t have bad days I have a bad brain, send the townspeople to lynch me please.
I tried to overdose on Unisom sleeping medication last night. I have the side effects of an overdose. I don’t know what to do because I have dizziness and it said the following day I would still feel weird. I don’t want my dad to found out or go to the hospital. I am at school and I can’t concentrate. I hope they wear off by tonight or early next morning due to I have a band competion and need to be normal for it.
WARNING: THIS IS A VENT / RANT. NOT TRYING TO OFFEND ANYONE, JUST AIRING OUT.
Why are people so fucking pushy? Like their ideals are the only fucking way. Here’s my list of shit…
Homosexual. Hybridsexual, Antisexual, overly-sexual… I do not give 1 single iota of a fuck how, who, or where you bump uglies. Here’s an idea, keep it to yourself. Why does everyone make an issue about how it’s not an issue?
Religion. Anti-religion. Quasi-religion. Again, I don’t fucking care what you do or don’t believe in. Jesus gives your life meaning? Awesome. On a mission for Cthulhu, more power to you. If, I find it […]
I’m really bad at taking emotional pain, not that people think about that when they give me a reason to be emotionally hurt. It’s really funny honestly, how all of it plays out. I had let a friend of mine close, like really close… We have only really been together a couple weeks, but I’ve had the crush on him and he on me for the LONGEST time… So, ask me, what did I receive somewhere between Psychology 1101 and Accounting 1100 tonight? The “I think we rushed it, we should just be friends” message!
It shouldn’t hurt this bad, but fuck y’know? He promised me, […]
So sunday after church. I had a nervous breack down .why a nervous break down well ill tell you.
A family freind tells me wonderful thing she spoke to my mom and mom book a trip for my bros and wifes to Europe great beautiful.
But my brother’s wife is still not home. I blame myself for there separation. And the trip made me feel wores because the last time we left the states it was so my older brother won’t get his es wife back.
So in my head this is a repeate of blame. My mom blames me for my older brother marriage. But whatever he […]
What if, we are all angels, mischievous angels, and indeed bad angels punished by God? at the beginning Lucifer lead the revolt against god to over throw him and take over right? Well what if, when God won and cast all the angels who sided against him out of heaven they landed on earth, striped of their powers and wings, and their memories of heaven removed and thus started humans? and the really bad angels, such as Lucifer and his Dukes were sent down further to hell. Now God being merciful gave the angels a chance at redemption and those who live a good life […]
i am fed up with my life. i loose everything in my lyf, i lost my 1st love he dumps me after that i lost my 2nd love u can say 4 years relationship break up. he dump me very badly cant tell u everything, but my 2nd love is my real love. i am tottaly break. and my brother left me. i am doing mca. but can’nt concentrate on my studies due to this i have lots of supplies. and now i lose my job. my mom alwyz teasing me because i am not inteligent and also that because i have bf, not bf he […]
ok before anyone thinks I’m trying to off myself again, I mean let myself not get stuff done.
I have exams in 3 days and have done quite literally nothing to even begin preparing for them. I need to study and get organized in order to be get the grades I need. I didn’t do anything yesterday after I tried to kill myself but it didn’t work (I’m physically fine just a little inconvenienced) and I didn’t do anything after classes today either. Thinking about how much I need to do and how I have done nothing is reinforcing all the reasons I want to off […]
So for the longest time, I have had this paranoia that I was being poisoned by my folks.. every time I would eat something they made I would immediately start feeling sick, my throat started burning, my chest and stomach started hurting and I got really bad headaches later on. I’ve been trying to avoid there food for a while but I had to yesterday morning, they were watching. The same thing happened. I couldn’t take it anymore, immediately I started searching around for shit I can be poisoned with. I then found this on the bottom of one of my families bag. is this […]
And I think it’s working. I don’t feel as bad, as bad I already do. I’m sad ofcourse and thats really all but I’m doing things. Keeping up brushing my teeth and trying to eat better. That’s it SP.
So I did a bad thing. Today is my boyfriends birthday and I was scrolling through facebook and saw a post from a friend of ours who I think over steps her boundaries with him.
It was a happy birthday post, however it wasn’t good. It basically said “you’re not at uni, you don’t have a job, you don’t have any hobbies and you don’t leave your room. Maybe this is the year you’ll do something. Happy birthday my lover and my friend”
Tell me what part of that post isn’t appropriate! That, in my opinion, isn’t nice. So in a fitof misery and anger, I went […]
I lost my baby. I lost my baby. I lost my baby. This is all I can think about. I feel terrible and can’t seem to get better. I have a baby sister, I can barely look at her because she reminds of the child I lost. I know it’s not her fault but I get sad every time I see her. Today was her birthday, she turned a year old. All my family gathered and cheered and I felt miserable. I feel so alone, they don’t get me, and mistreat me. I want to be gone so bad.
I don’t know why I care so much, but yet I do. My ex is about to be homeless and penniless without a soul on earth around to help. He lives in Alaska so yeah pretty damn far away. His mom could pass away any day now. I’m scared of what could end up happening to him knowing his tendency to drink. He’s been sober for about 6 months just out of being penniless and having no way to get any money. I don’t want him in bad shape, in jail or dead. I’m so afraid for him and there’s nothing I can do.
Since last night my internet connection died unexpectedly, I had to wait until I could get out of the house and go somewhere with WiFi.
While I was offline, I decided to use the time by writing some more music.
It’s a piece I started last week, during my extra dark bad days. Some things happened that triggered a pretty nasty pit of depression. It was bad and ugly and nasty, and I’m sorry for those of you that got to see that side of me.
Now I’m back to just my usual moderate day-to-day depression.
(Yay, I guess.)
But enough about that… the music!!
It’s a […]
My guilty sentiments are very vulnerable.
Everything makes me feel guilty.
From the smallest things like knocking over a pencil,
To blaming myself for the Holocaust,
I don’t kid.
I am burdened with my own blame. My own Guilt.
Everything makes me guilty.
I am the cause of everything bad and I deserve to die horribly.
What the most recent experience? Take ten seconds ago. A peer at my school e-mailed me asking what questions we had to do for class. I wish I wrote down her parts on my paper, not just mine. But I only wrote my parts, because its only my responsibility, right?
Wrong.
I’m a selfish bastard who only considered myself […]